Math Fun

I have leftover marshmallows and decided to make more rice crispy treats, since Austin nor I like marshmallows and I don't want them to take up space in the cupboard. I had 8.5, almost 9 ounces of marshmallows. The recipe called for 12 ounces of rice crispies to 20 ounces of marshmallows. Now, I can do a decent amount of math in my head, but...

Me: Hey Google, if 3 over 5 equals X over 9, what is X.

Google: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Me: Hey, Google, divide 9 by 5.

Google: 1.8.

Me: Hey Google, multiply 3 by 1.8.

Google: 5.4.

Me: You're like talking to Austin sometimes.

Murder, She Potted

Me: That pot is hideous.
Austin: That one? I love it. I want to search the internet right now to find a replica so we can sit it on our front porch.
Me: Absolutely not. No, wait. That’s a pretty big pot. You could hide a body in there. That would be perfect to hide your body in when I murder you and need to get away with it.
Austin: No, it wouldn’t. That’d be a horrible spot to hide a body. And on our front porch? You’d be caught in five minutes.
Me: Nah, this is a Murder, She Wrote episode. It’d take at least an hour for Jessica to put it together. And it’d be based on who’s holding a glass. Not a body in a pot on my front porch. In fact, it won’t possibly be me. I’d be the obvious conclusion. Jessica will show that in fact, you committed suicide and put yourself in the pot to make it look like me.

Mango Chutney

Austin: This mango ginger chutney you got me is awful. It’s not sweet at all.
Me, noticing the price tags in pounds, then the best by date: I got this when me, Mom and Leah went to Scotland & Ireland. That was five years ago.

Billy Lee's Chop Suey House

Late last night.

Austin: I'm still craving Billy Lee's. You probably don't want to eat at Billy Lee's Chop Suey House.

Me: You want to drive all the way out to Heath and back?

Austin: They deliver.

Me: Not out here.

Austin: I say we find out the end of their delivery range. Drive to that person's house, sit in the front yard. Then when the delivery person comes, flag them down and say no, no. That's for us.

He thinks he's funny.

Exhausted

Austin: Man, I’m tired.
Me: I was tired before we started.
Austin: You don’t have a 100 pound dog dragging you around the neighborhood.
Me: You don’t have a five inch scar on your abdomen.
Austin: You don’t have a five foot something pain in the #$%@ next to you.
Me, punches him.

Walk

Austin: If I put on jeans, would you like to go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on jeans, I will go on a walk with you.
Austin: If I put on Daisy Dukes, will you go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on Daisy Dukes, I’ll walk behind you with a camera and post it on Facebook.

Fortune Cookie

Me: I checked your fortune cookie. There’s no fortune in that one either.
Austin: I make my own fortune.
Me: And yet, we live in squalor.
Austin: I live in controlled chaos.