We Have Shared

Me: I wish there was some way, something I could do to show you how much I love you. We have shared so much.
Austin: Money.
Me: Humiliation.
Austin: No, I meant you could give me money.

Austin Saved the World!

Austin: I beat my game today and saved the world.

Me: Wow, and all I did was go to work. I didn't even feel the ground shake.

You're Awesome

Austin made dinner once again.

Austin: How did the mashed potatoes turn out?

Me: Very good. I'd say mashed potatoes are hard to screw up, except my sister has done it so many times.

Austin: That's true. There was that one time I made mashed potatoes and they were too runny, so I turned them into soup, but you said they were excellent.

Me: You're awesome.

Austin: I was going to say—no, never mind. I'll take awesome.

Me: You were going to say that your schlong is huge and amazing.

Austin: Yeah, that'd work too.

Dishes

Austin: I've gotta do laundry and wash dishes.
Me: Yeah, you've got all of like five dishes to wash.
Austin, sweeping me up in his arms: I know it's a travesty, but I'll survive.
Me: Not if I have anything to do with it.

Quiz

Without prompting, ask your significant other these questions, and put down exactly what they say.

What is something I always say?
Austin: Mhmmm—can I say that? It's a noise, not a word.

What makes me happy?
Austin: Seems like a personal question. I'll say music downloads.

What makes me sad?
Austin: Christmas

How old am I ?
Austin: Is that a rhetorical question?

How tall am I ?
Austin: Why are you asking me these questions? You know how tall you are. I don't need to know how tall you are.

What's my favorite thing to do?
Austin: That's also completely up to you. These are things I'd like to know also.

What do I do when you're not around?
Austin: I guess I wouldn't know that, would I?

If I became famous, what will it be for?
Austin: Probably for murder.

What makes you proud of me?
Austin: Everything.

What is my favorite food?
Austin: *groans, shakes head

What is my favorite restaurant?
Austin: I don't know what your favorite restaurant is. We go to so many. Anything new.

Where is my favorite place to be?
Austin: In bed.

If I could go anywhere, where would it be?
Austin: To bed.

Do you think you could live without me?
Austin, gave me a look: In a fashion, though some wouldn't call it living.

Me: Some wouldn't call what you're doing now living. [He's playing a video game]

Back to the questions: How do I annoy you?
Austin: That would take far too long to list. Any way you can.

What is your favorite thing about me?
Austin: That you love me.

I kissed Austin after this.

Austin: Did I pass?

Me: You amused me greatly.

Austin: Don't I usually do that?

Me: Yes.

Cramps

One of my co-workers was complaining about cramps. When I got home, I was telling Austin about it.

Me: Exercise always helps. Running and stuff.

Austin: Yeah, I find running the opposite way helps me.

Me: You're lucky I love you.

He made dinner, so I'll keep him.

Bongs

This morning, Mom came to visit because she doesn't know how to put photos on her computer, much less upload them to FB. Austin was awake! He got up at 8:00 a.m.! He was dressed, presentable and everything when my mom visited.

I invite my mother to view Austin's room. He's lived here almost seven years, but she's never been in his room. Austin hastily turns his bong around. I smirked. Mom raved over the TV, didn't even notice the bong. I sat next to my father-in-law's bong for years without noticing it. It's what non-drug users do. We don't know what they are and we don't think our loved ones have them.

Austin: What are you doing, letting your mom in my room? I've got the grinder out, the drugs are visible--

Me: My mom's not going to notice.

Austin: Yeah, she'll just think it's a pretty vase.

Then he points out the mouth piece.

Austin: And what about this? What am I supposed to say when she asks what this is?

Me & Austin: It's where the water goes.

Snickering.

Austin, with his baggy of weed: And this is fertilizer.

Me: That's expensive fertilizer.