Wal-Mart

Yesterday, a co-worker and I were talking and she mentioned she placed an order with Wal-Mart. She doesn't like to go in the store either, but she does like the prices. Me, um, not so much . . . and we discussed further in a civil manner.

Co-worker: What would you do if your man worked there? What if he was a manager? I bet you'd make your way there all the time.

Me: I bet my man would be homeless and divorced.

Co-worker: Not that man. That man [Points at the Emun Elliott picture someone graciously gave me, so I have it hanging at my station.]

Me, shocked for a moment: I hope he could get a better job than that.

Co-worker: Times are hard.

Me, cringing: Yeah, I'd probably go to Wal-Mart if Emun Elliott was there.

Heart Cutout

Austin cut out a heart and pasted it on my datebook. I cooed and cooed.

Me: I thought that was so sweet. I really liked that.

Austin: Yeah, I wouldn't have done that if I'd realized it was Thursday today.

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

Austin: It's your day off. I thought I wouldn't see you, so I left the heart. But I'm seeing you, so I didn't need to leave it.

Me, dumbfounded.

He's free. I don't even care if he goes to a good home, someone take him.

Paperwork

I was missing some paperwork from one of the trainers, so I peeked in Austin's class to see if he could get it for me. He was busy, but his assistant beckoned me in.
Assistant: This is Austin's beautiful wife.
Me: He's lying. I'm just his wife.

Readiness Row

Readiness Row is where the newbies go when they're getting practical phone experience.

Austin: So X is helping out on readiness row and apparently some &*%# was going down. She said, 'I almost had to act like your wife and put them in their place.'

Me, not even slightly amused.

Cell Phone Etiquette

Since we work in a call center, cell phone etiquette is a major part of training. So my husband pulls out his basic, dinky cell phone. And one of the newbies was teasing him for it. So he came home and told me all about it.

Austin: My phone is a tiny little thing and I love it.

Me: Your dick is a tiny little thing and I love it.

Austin: Good one!

Turkey Spread

Every year, for my mother-in-law's birthday, we stop past Anderson's and pick up a 2lb package of turkey spread. The woman at the deli told me how good it was, then the woman at the checkout. I told Austin when I got home.

Austin: They're right. It's really good. But I don't think you'd like it . . . because of

I start nodding, in unison: The mayonnaise.

Austin: But you really should try it.

Me: I'm not taking any of your mom's birthday present. Besides, mayonnaise is disgusting.

Austin: True, you shouldn't have to have disgusting stuff.

Me: Look, I have sex with you, so I can handle disgusting, I just don't like mayonnaise.

Austin: Oh-ho! Good thing you figured out how to use the vibrator yesterday, 'cause you're not getting anything out of me. Like ever again.

My To-Do List

I held off posting this because I didn't want to ruin my mother-in-law's surprise for her birthday. Thursday evening, Austin asked me to stop past Anderson's to pick up turkey spread for his mom. So I wrote it on my to-do list. The next morning, I found a post-it note from Austin. He couldn't have looked at my to-do list at all.

Chocolate

Austin & I were being ooey-gooey in love people.
Me: I don't know how you did it.
Austin: What?
Me: Tricked me into falling in love with you.
Austin: Chocolate.
Me: I don't remember chocolate.
Austin: You're kidding.
Me: Well, I remember chocolate, I just don't remember you giving it to me.

Amish Deli

This morning, as I'm preparing to go, reminding Austin what we need from the Amish deli:

Me: Be sure to tell them that we enjoyed the food.

We went to their school fund raiser for dinner.

Austin: I'm gonna tell them my wife is gone for two weeks and where they can hitch up their buggies . . .

Later, as we're walking up to meet Mom & Leah to go, Me: I'm gonna miss you so much.

Austin: You want me to say something stupid so you don't miss me as much?

Me: No, all I have to do is picture you and Amish sex and that takes care of it.

Catfood

Me: I don't think I'm going to be able to wait on catfood. I think I'm gonna have to make a special trip.
Austin: I can go with you.
Me: That's fine.
Austin: And we can get a router while we're out.
Me: That's fine.
Austin: And maybe get a bite to eat.
Me: If you want.
Austin: And we could do a little dance.
Me: I'm not dancing.
Austin: I could do a big dance, lots of twirling.
Me: It's times like these I'm glad we don't wear wedding rings so I don't have to admit we're married.

New Beauty & the Beast Movie

Austin & I went to see the new Beauty & the Beast movie this weekend. 

***Spoiler, if you're going to watch the movie, don't read this.

Me: I really enjoyed it. I'm glad I read the cast list ahead of time. That way I knew the Enchantress and Agatha were the same.

Austin: Oh, I could figure that out without the cast list; it was obvious. The way she . . .

Me: Well, yeah, I would have figured it out too, but as soon as they called the beggar Agatha, I knew.

Austin: I knew right off. I mean, her cleavage, you could tell she was a young woman. Good-looking. They could have actually cast a hag, but they went with someone who had nice breasts.

 

Sometimes I wonder about my husband. No, I always wonder about my husband.

Two Weeks

I'm going to be gone for two weeks. Don't worry. I've figured out how to use the scheduling function.

Austin: How can you leave me for two weeks?
Me: I'm very concerned for the house.
Austin: It's very irresponsible for you to go and leave me here alone for that long.
Me: I already said I'm worried about the house.

Chicken Boobs

My grocery list hangs on the cabinet so Austin can write any needs we may have. Imagine my amusement when I saw we needed chicken boobs.

Me: I told the people at work about you and the chicken boobs.
Austin, rubbing his man chest and doing the chicken dance: You like my chicken boobs?
Me: I was talking about the grocery list.
Austin: We needed chicken boobs.
Me, rolling eyes.
Austin: Admit it, it made you laugh.
Me: I smirked.
Austin: There. Then it served its purpose.

Tea @ Work

I was telling Austin what all I need to make tea for work and have it with me for the whole day. I like loose leaf tea, so I'd have to have a French press. To have it all day, I'd have to fill the French press to the brim. That's two tablespoons of loose leaf tea. And I would need a thermos to keep it warm. I like a teaspoon of sugar with each cup, so that's two tablespoons of sugar per thermos. And really, a thermos of tea only lasts me two hours. So, I'd need a French press, loose leaf tea, a sugar canister, a cup and teaspoon. And a thermos. A very convoluted process.

Me: X says I should keep tea at my desk. She also offered me some of her tea. I don't think I should do that. If I get too into eating at work, I'll come off as crazy.

Austin: You're already crazy.

Me: OK, yeah, but then my co-workers will know it.

Austin: They already know it.

Fireplace

I admit it, I like watching the fireplace on Netflix. It's entrancing and there's just enough noise . . .

Austin: We should get a real fireplace.

Me: Nah. Way too expensive, knocking out walls, insurance goes up.

Austin: We can afford it.

Me: Well, since we can afford that, let's have a baby.

Austin, panicked: Are you serious?

Me: No.

Boobs

So I was mentioning the bills I'd paid and the money I had left after that was done. And mentioned when I'd get paid next.

Austin: Don't worry about when you're going to get paid next.

Me: Well, if we never get paid again . . .

Austin, poking me in the chest, the left one: You're so funny. I love you.

Me: Of course you love my boobs.

Austin, poking me in the left breast again: Just this one. Not the other one.

Cheesy

Austin was goofing off for no particular reason and I teased him for it.
Austin: It ain't easy being cheesy.
Me: You just make it look that way.

Cheap Plastic

I was tugging at the plastic garnet necklace Austin got me for our anniversary this past year.
Austin: You really love that thing?
Me: I love the thing that got it for me too.
Austin: We're both cheap plastic.

The Metal Piece

The metal piece in the center of the heating coil of the stove had come off again and was hiding in the pan beneath. I've complained a lot about it, mentioned to Austin not to shake the skillet over that particular burner. I fished it out and Austin gave me an innocent look.
Me: Why would I think my husband who just made this fantastic dinner did it?
Austin: Cassie is a very mischievous dog.

Austin's Bday 2018

On March 11, 2017, I officially purchased Austin's birthday gift for 2018.
Austin: I don't think I'll like it. It's probably a horrible gift.
Me: Maybe I'll be divorced by then and will be remarried and will give it to my new husband instead.

Just Dance

Austin: And I got us a copy of Just Dance. I picked the one that's old music, so we'll know it.

Picture my amusement. We go through so much trying to stay physically fit when it's chilly out. So, he convinces me to try this last night. I beat him twice and he pulverized me twice. But we did work up a sweat, so it serves its purpose.

Austin: When I get really good, I'm going to choreograph a song just for you.

Me: You'll have to perform it at work. X will want a front row seat.

Later, co-worker X: I think we all want a front row seat for that. I did not know you and Austin dance. Look out world.

Me: I don't think anyone would call it dancing.

More to Love

Me: Mom and I are going to Mt. Vernon tomorrow and we're gonna stop at Ferrari Bakery. Do you want me to pick up any tiramisu?
Austin: Yeah, I like tiramisu.
Me: I know. I just got you that four-serving tiramisu. I wanted to make sure you'd still want some.
Austin: Yeah, but just a single-serve. I'm putting on weight again.
Me: I love your extra weight.
Austin: No you don't.
Me: There's more of you to love.
Austin: In that case, I'll grow out my beard.
Me: That's not more of you I'd love.
Austin: See?

BJ

Austin looked incredibly handsome yesterday morning, a brand new deep brown shirt with khaki stripes and khaki slacks. I went over, gave him a hug, kissed him, told him how sexy he was. Austin opened his trousers to fix the shirt that was bulging at the front.

Me: Oh! You're going to let me give you a blow job!

Austin: Right, you tease me now, right before I have to leave for work.

Me: If you want, I'll give you one when we get home.

Austin: Sure you will.

Me: I'll sign a contract.

Austin: Get some paper.

Well, my allergies were going haywire all day, mucous coming out of every orifice.

Me: I'll write you a BJ IOU.

Austin just laughed.

Toffee-ettes

So I stopped at See's Candies and picked up some delectables. I had a small $10.00 package of Toffee-ettes. Hunks of toffee rolled in nuts.

Austin: I want to try one of those.

Me: You do realize they're rolled in nuts.

Austin: I want to try one.

Me: You don't like nuts.

Austin: I like hazelnuts.

Me: They're almonds.

Austin: I want to try one.

He's 32 years old. I gave him one. He said nothing. But he hasn't touched them since.

Mocha Chip

Austin had a craving for Velvet mocha chip, so we decided to trek to the local place. Austin scanned the back seat of his car.
Austin: Ah, man. I took all my hats in the house. Now I'll look crazy with this hair.
Me: And without your teeth. You'll fit in with the locals perfectly.
Once there, no mocha chip ice cream.
Me: Let's go to X town. If W doesn't have something you'd like, we can go up the street to Kroger.
Austin: But I look so lazy with my hair and teeth.
Me: You embarrass me in public all the time.

Emun Elliott Wins!

So this was running around FB and I'm always amused by my friends' responses. BTW, my best friend's name is also Rachel. I call her Mrs. Rachel, because she got married right out of college ... and I didn't. But she too voted for Emun Elliott. You have to click on the picture to see it. But yes, among the votes for My Little Pony and garden vegetables, Emun Elliott had a resounding four votes for my love. Austin had one definite vote from his sister. Lisa mentioned, but it's in the responses, so you can't see it. And I think Barb mentioned him.

And I'm thinking Emun Elliott doesn't care at all about how amusing I find this.

Since he won, here's a pic:

The Dog

 Austin made a turkey sandwich with provolone cheese, mayonnaise, the works, grilled it up, set it on the plate. After all this, he realized he needed to take a potty break. He tells the DOG Cassie not to touch his sandwich. Sure enough, between his piddling he hears claws on the counter. He yells at Cassie to get down, to no avail. By the time he's finished, the dog has taken the top piece of bread and gotten the rest of the sandwich all over the counter. He tells me this as though the DOG DID SOMETHING WRONG.

I Bought This

I bought this tiramisu for someone I love. That's right! Emun Elliott's coming to dinner. (Just kidding.)

Austin's response:

If you can't read it, it says, "Yummy! --Emen"  He spelled Emun wrong. If he'd put Nummy, I could almost forgive him.

Back from NOLA

Mom: I didn't sleep on the bus at all.

Me: Yeah you did. I took pictures.

On the bus, Austin took an aluminum can from Mom's stash and put it in the trash bag.
Me: That's aluminum. We can take that home and recycle it.
Austin: We're not taking home junk to recycle. We're not hauling trash around New Orleans.
Me: Well, if we find a recycle bin here, we can recycle it here, but we're recycling it.
Mom, hearing us snipping at each other, so I explain.
Mom: What? I had a can in my things.
Me: Yeah, that's the one.
Mom: I was going to recycle that when we got home.
Austin: We're going to have enough to carry around without empty cans.
Mom, hand out: We're recycling that can.

Austin: Look, Econo-Gas. They're so economical, it's free!

Me: Austin, we're not going to be able to steal trial size shampoos from the hotel. They've got a dispenser stuck to the wall. Looks like they just refill that. Probably cheaper that way. There's a bar of soap if you want that.
Austin: Oh yeah, we're definitely taking that.

So a week ago, my sister Leah asked me to stop at this NOLA cafe, "Willa Jean" and get her some cookies. She'd seen them profiled on a food show. They're three for $10. The cafe was right next to our hotel, so it was nothing to stop in a get them. I wrapped them up and put them in my luggage for her.

On our way home, we stopped to eat at Arby's. I noticed that Arby's had some delicious cookies also, for $1.59 each.

Me, to Mom as we're standing in line: Do you think Leah would notice if I bought three of these and just put them in the Willa Jean package?

Mom: Probably not.

Austin was sitting at the table, holding our spot for us. We came over with the tray of food, start laying it out.

Austin: Hey, did you notice that Arby's sells cookies? We could buy those for Leah and eat the Willa Jean cookies ourselves.

Mom: Rachel already suggested that.

Reduce Stress

True, but Austin's still convinced Emun Elliott would consider it stalking.

Hair

I cut my hair because it was long enough to donate (I currently donate to Pantene). I put my hair into two braids to make it more manageable and it was still like cutting through a sapling. Austin asked me to cut his while I was at it. *sigh* I took his into my fist and cut the paltry four inches in one snip. Don't worry, Austin still has long hair.