Bad Math

Austin: Do you know how much I love you?

Me: I hope it's at least half as much I love you.

Austin: It's three-quarters as much.

Me, giggling.

Austin: No, five-eighths as much.

More giggling, then a long hug and contentment, the silent joy of being happy.

Austin: Wait, it's three-quarters as much. Three-quarters is more than five-eighths.

Me: Yes, it is.

Austin: I love you three-quarters as much.

Me: And I still love you.

Austin: Even though I can't do fractions?

Me: Even though you can't do fractions.

My Nephew

Mom was telling me how frustrating my nephew Z has been lately. He's fresh out of college and getting work has been stressful. She usually adores my nephew, but she was going on and on and on about how difficult he's been.

I told her Austin & I were going to La Chatelain & CAM International and invited her to come along. She said she'd be going out with Z.

Me: Enjoy yourself. And don't hit Z if you get frustrated.

Austin: Hit him. He's an adult. He can take it.

Boar Repellent

Mom & I went out together and Mom was checking out the gardening supplies. She was reading the repellent bottles, rabbit and deer, all kinds of bugs.

Mom: This one says boar repellent. Tell Austin to straighten up or I'll see if this works on him.

Vosges Haut Chocolat

This morning, I was eating the remains of the Vosges Haut Chocolat Mo's Bacon Bar and there were two squares left. I ate one square and considered giving the last square to Austin. Well, any time I've offered Austin chocolate for breakfast, he's refused and said it's too early for chocolate.

As if!

But then I thought, I could leave him the last square and he could have it when he got home from work. Then I thought of his lack of sympathy when I was telling him about the tax letter and I popped the last square into my mouth. Then he came into the kitchen and I told him what I'd done.

Austin: I'm still not sorry.

Taxes--So Over It

So I had a few issues with Ohio taxes when I was submitting them in February and Austin & I got better refunds filing separately than together . . . so when Mom texted me to tell me I got a letter from the Ohio Tax Department, I flipped. I mean, tax time was way over. I couldn't hardly leave work, but it was on my mind the rest of the day. My head was spinning.

Finally got home, took a deep breath and opened it.

The State owes me a 93¢.

So I was telling Austin all this, about the heart attack I was having over it.
Austin: You were upset. OK. Get to the point.
I fluttered my eyelashes at him.
Austin: Obviously, you got upset and then you opened the letter and it was nothing. So get to the point.

I don't know why I talk to this man at all.

Elephant Skin

Austin has a leather jacket that's probably 15 years old and it's really in bad shape. He was wearing it and caressing it fondly.

Austin: I really love this jacket. I mean, I loved it for years, but I need a new one. This one just doesn't feel like me anymore.

So I touch the jacket, then I touch his skin.

Me: You're right. You don't feel like that jacket at all.

Austin: Yeah, it kind of feels like elephant skin now. Sort of like your mom.

I start rolling laughing.

Austin: Don't tell your mom I said that.

Me: I won't tell her. I'll just let her read it on Facebook.

Austin: Don't put it on Facebook either.

So this one isn't on FB.

Ice Cream

Austin & I went for a walk because it was so beautiful yesterday, but after, we were both terribly hot, so we decided to go get ice cream.

Me: Want to invite Mom along?

Austin: I don't care. It's up to you.

Me: I bet we can wrangle her into paying for it.

We agreed that Mom would enjoy ice cream and decided to invite her. I called her on my cell phone. Well, Mom wasn't interested in going. But we had some things to discuss, like our France trip and season tickets for next year. I signaled Austin that she wasn't going, we went to his car and started on our way & Mom & I continued discussing various plans we had.

Mom: Well, ice cream would be nice on a day like today.

Me: Well, it's too late. We're already on our way. We're probably halfway to the shop now. You're not going.

Austin: Can we still get her to pay?

Screw

Austin had a screw in his pocket that he had picked up while at work. Austin stared at it perplexed for a minute, then looked at me.

Austin: Do you need this?

Me: I need a screw, but I don't need that.

Icarus

So the new guy in our department is a really cute guy that was hired last summer/fall and I mentioned that to Austin.

Me: He's the one with curly blondish hair.

Austin: Yeah, I know which one Icarus is.

Me: Icarus?

Austin: Yeah, the Greek god.

Me: OK.

I would have said Adonis. But I guess Icarus is appropriate, though more obscure. He's the one who was given gorgeous wax wings so he could fly off of Crete (where he was trapped) and he was so in love with flying that he flew too close to the sun and the wings melted. A great lesson in hubris. And My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic actually did an episode based on this myth. OK, whatever.

Well, this conversation happened two weeks ago and I now call the new associate Icarus. And when you switch over to our department, there's a lot of paperwork subterfuge, so he was gone for a few days while systems and security was updated.

Me: Icarus is back!

Austin: Yeah, I know. I got your e-mail. It took me a minute to figure out who Icarus was.

Me: You're the one who called him Icarus.

Austin: Yeah, I know. I meant Adonis.

Freezer

Austin has mentioned more than once that he wants a freezer. While watching Forensic Files, Austin pointed to the freezer in a reenactment of a crime scene.
Austin: That's the kind of freezer I want.
Me, looking up at the scene of the murderer hiding a body in the freezer: And that's why we're not getting one.
Austin: You wouldn't fit in there. I'd have to cut you up.
Me: I wouldn't put it past you.
Austin: I would never kill you.
Me: That's right. Maintain your innocence. It will help you sound more believable when the police ask.

The Shirt Off My Back

Watching Forensics Files, the brother-in-law said the victim would give you the shirt off his back.
Austin: They always say that. I wouldn't give the shirt off my back.
Me: And we don't want you to. No one wants to see you topless.

Crud

Austin: How ya doin?
Me: Pretty good. I'm not looking forward to washing dishes, but now that I've cleared out some of the crud taking up space in the sink, the job doesn't look too bad.
Austin, nodding.
Me, poking Austin in the side: Now if I could get rid of some of this crud taking up space in the house, that'd be great.

Happy Father's Day!

Co-Worker X wishes a Happy Father's Day to Co-Worker Y.

Co-Worker Y: I'm not a father.

Co-Worker X: You have Holly (the dog). [To me] Wish Austin a Happy Father's Day too.

Me: He's not a father.

Co-Worker X: He's got potential.

Me: He better not.

Toilet Paper

I came home on Sunday and Austin approached me in the kitchen.

Austin: We're out of toilet paper.

Me, panicked.

Austin: Not completely out. We've got a roll left.

Me, a bit calmer: You're just telling me we'll be rationing toilet paper until I go to the grocery store?

Mustache

As much as I love Emun Elliott's facial hair, my husband's . . . not so much . . .

Austin: I trimmed my mustache.
Me: Not enough.It's still on your face.

Shower

After I got out of the shower last night, I went to hug Austin. After, there was a single drop of water on his nose, which I wiped away with my towel.

Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get my wetness on you.

Austin, taking his hoodie-sleeved arms, starts wiping it all over me: I am trying to get my dryness all over you.

Sasquatch & Loch Ness

I don't know which is worse:

Austin thinks I'm a lunatic because I believe Sasquatch is a real mammal.

OR

The reason he thinks the Loch Ness Monster can't be real is because Loch Ness is fresh water as opposed to salt water.

Moody

Austin got a mood ring while we were in NOLA. It's a fun little toy. I put it on yesterday and it changed to a beigy green color.

Me, comparing it to the color chart: Fear or mixed emotions? I think it looks more like fear.

Austin: It looks like fear, but that must be a warning, because you cause fear. Not the other way around.

Gouda

I bought a block of Gouda. Half the block was left and a pile of shavings.
Austin: I grated more than I needed.
Me, taking out a knife to cut a slice: I can see that.
Austin: You little--
Me, turning to him with the knife in my hand.
Austin: Beautiful, wonderful woman.

Our Co-Worker, Dumb Bunny

[‎10:41 AM] Austin E:

fyi - don't say anything...but after I thought it was pretty much over, Dumb Bunny (what we call the chick who got promoted over Austin) just approached me because she said she's been keeping her distance after you told her you weren't friends, and she wanted to make sure that wasn't coming through you from me. I reassured her you are your own person & she & I are ok...but geez...I'm gonna have to do this with her all over again? after this many weeks? Really?

[‎10:42 AM]Me:

You poor baby. So sorry, lover. You can tell her I think she's a &*#^ because she's obnoxious and her paperwork is &*#^&, but ya know, be nice about it.

10:43 am Austin E: Its ok..it's not you, its her...

10:44 am Me: -It's a little bit me.

[‎10:44 AM] Austin E:

well, I like you better, so I place blame elsewhere

The Biggest &*#%^

We have a running gag at work: Austin calls one of my sweetest co-workers a &*#^&. Well, Austin is having some issues getting along with another of his co-workers and it's really getting to be a difficult situation.

Me: I was telling sweet co-worker X and she said that you could no longer call her a &*#^ because you clearly have a bigger *()#^ in your life.

Austin, taking me up in his arms: You're the biggest &*# in my life!

Me: Oh wow!

Austin: The biggest. And you'll always be the biggest.

Cookout

Me, going over the menu for the cookout: Every kind of salad you can imagine. I'm particularly looking forward to the hit dogs. I hope they're like some kind of roadkill.
Austin: I'm sure they'll be fine. Maybe she even hit the wrong letter.
Me, howling laughter: I'm sure she did.
Austin: Why do you do that to me?
Me: I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious that my sister the vegetarian wouldn't have roadkill at her cookout.

Brownies

Austin made coffee-brownies. I'm allergic to coffee. :(

Creamy Dressing

Austin: I put Caesar dressing on the list.
Me, looking at the list: Caesar creamy.
Austin: Yeah, the creamy part is important.
Me: As opposed to what?
Austin: I use it on sandwiches, not on salads, so it needs to be the creamy kind.
Me: I'll bring you what I bring you and you'll like it.
Austin: Don't you be bringing me lumpy or clumpy or crazy salad dressing, woman. I won't pay for it.
Me: Yeah you will. I don't itemize your bill. I just put down "groceries". I could be slowly charging you for airfare to London for a rendez-vous with Emun Elliott. You wouldn't know.
Nevertheless, I check out the empty bottle in the recycle bin. Classic Caesar dressing. Kraft.
Yesterday, I went to this fabulous wedding dinner party, stayed up a bit too late, but all is well. Just tired. Today I got out of work, went to the grocery store, checked out the wall of salad dressing. A foreign place to me as I consider salad dressing a condiment. Rows and rows. Kraft. Rich and creamy. Cool and creamy. Fresh and creamy. There are so many creamies I'm speechless. A thick and creamy, but not Kraft. Nope, better stay on script. Kraft rich & creamy into the cart.
Me, home, holding the bottle out to Austin: I hope this is right one. There were a lot of creamies.
Austin: This is ranch.
Me: &$:;/-&!!! 

And after all that, we made a special trip to the grocery store to pick up Caesar's dressing. Notice, absolutely nowhere on this bottle does it say creamy.

 

Because We're Bored

Which Willy Wonka Character Are You?

While taking the which Willy Wonka character are you quiz:

Me, when asked my favorite treat: Do you think I prefer money or chocolate?

Austin: Depends on the chocolate. If it's the right kind of chocolate, you take the chocolate. If it's not the right kind of chocolate, you take the money and buy chocolate.

In case you'd like to play:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/which-willy-wonka-the-chocolate-factory-character-are-you?utm_term=.sjVyPeoyE#.tdqdbO9dp

Knock Knock

Austin: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Austin: I eat mop.
Me: I eat mop who?
As soon as I said mop-who, I heard it.
Austin: You said it!
He started rolling laughing, red-faced, tears down his face. I shook my head. Minutes later, he's still laughing.
Austin: You don't think that's funny?
Me: Not as funny as you do.
Half an hour later, he started laughing again. Then later that night, again.
Austin: I eat ma poo.
How did I end up marrying a five year old boy?

Girlfriends

Austin went out with his brother and future sister-in-law on Friday. The future sister-in-law was really disappointed that I didn't go.

Me: Why?

Austin: Well, she said she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends and she really wants to be friends.

Me: She thinks I don't have a lot of girlfriends.

Austin: No. She doesn't have a lot of girlfriends and she wants to make friends with you.

Me, thinking this girl has diabetes and is an ex-heroine addict who has spent time in jail. I don't do anything resembling drugs and I definitely haven't been to jail. I could be a good influence. Oooo, but girlfriends.

Austin: I told her you weren't the type.

Sick Day

Austin called off sick today. We were watching DS9 together. He left the room. A few minutes passed. A few more. I went downstairs at the same time Austin was returning.
Me: I thought you weren't coming back.
Austin: I considered it. But then I thought of you.
Me: And you thought about how happy I'd be. And you just couldn't stand it.

Hygiene

After Austin was doing better, I started to head for the door.
Austin: You're going to take a shower?
Me, pausing: I was.
Austin: But you're not now?
Me: Of course I am. I'm not going to work dirty. What do you think I am? *I go into this long story about some cookies getting dropped on the floor* I told them I believe in the five second rule. In fact, when it's cookies, I'm not too picky about seconds. After that story, if I didn't shower, they'd think I had no hygiene skills at all.

Bad Night

Austin had a bad night last night. I stayed up with him for a bit.

Austin: You're wonderful. Where would I be without you?

Me: You'd be living with your friends, probably Megen or Craig. And you'd be out of work, because you wouldn't have reliable transportation and you'd have been fired ages ago.

Austin: That's probably true. You've done so much for me.

Me: Yes. You'd think that'd warrant you taking out the trash from time to time.