Overworked

Sunday is the only day Austin and I get to spend much time together.
Austin: I wish we didn't have to work so much.
Me: I wish I didn't have to work so much. I don't mind that you have to work.

Hunky-Dory

Me and Austin were discussing grocery shopping.
Me: That'd be hunky-dory.
Austin: Well, I might be dory, but I don't think I'm the hunky part.
Me: You're not. That's why I didn't stop at the hunky part and kept going with the dory part.

Memory

Austin: I think I have a very good memory.
Me: You don't.
Austin: You think you have a very good memory.
Me: I do.
Austin: It's not as good as you think.
Me: I don't remember who I've told what, but that's people. I don't like people.
Austin: You also don't remember when you're wrong.
I should have told him I remembered marrying him, but trying to do the whole Christmas spirit last all year thing.

Frequent Shopper Card

I'm going to end up with a frequent shopper card to the Lion's Den if I don't get to see my husband more often soon.

Pick 'Em

Austin introduced me to one of his co-workers today, one of his assistants. She was telling me how lovely I was and what a beautiful couple Austin and I make.

Co-worker: Austin certainly knows how to pick 'em.

Austin: But Rachel doesn't. She picked me.

Ankles

No alcohol, drugs or anything induced this conversation . . .
Me: Do you know why we have ankles?
Austin: I think it's so we can run and stuff.
Me: That's what feet are for.
Austin, long, involved explanation about bones and muscles and how they're all attached and work together.
Me: But your ankles stick out. It's just kind of weird.
Austin: Your nose sticks out. That's kind of weird. What's your nose for?
Me: Smelling.
Austin: No, the holes are for smelling. The thing on top just sticks out. You don't need that part. We could just have slits. Those would be as good.
Me: I've said that about a million times.
Austin: No you haven't. You've said that about twice. Who have you said that to a million times?

Office Romance

One of my married, gay co-worker friends and I are having a fun little flirtation.
Homosexual co-worker: I'm off. I won't be back till After New Year.
Me: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, lover.
Co-worker X: I'm gonna tell your husband.
Me: He knows.

Stirring Occasionally

So, Austin brought home a meal in a bag both yesterday and today. I don't remember what the one from yesterday was called, but the one today was Bertoli's.
Me, as he's preparing: And be sure to actually stir it this time.
Austin: It said to stir occasionally.
Me: You stirred it once.
Austin: Yeah, that's occasionally.
Me: No, that's once.
Austin: Christmas happens occasionally.
Me: No, holidays happen occasionally. Christmas happens once a year.
Austin: Fine. Since you think you can make dinner better than me, you can stir it.
Me: Oh no, you're stirring it. If I did everything around that house that I do better than you, I'd be doing almost everything around the house. Oh wait--

Big Packages

Austin's Christmas gifts arrived today. It was a little late, but it made it.
Austin: That's for me? All of it?
Me: Yep.
Austin: Big packages are awesome or wait. Good things come in small packages. What comes in big packages?
Me: Things for you.

Chores

My boss came over to chat with us, full of Christmas cheer. He teases one co-worker for not being done.
Boss, to me: You're done.
Me: My family doesn't do anything. Now Austin's family . . . and on December 25, Austin will come to me about his stuff and I'll end up taking care of whatever Austin doesn't finish.
My boss, round-faced, blue eyes wide, mouth open. I shrug it off. My boss reacted with such shock, I felt bad for bashing Austin. I generally don't mind helping and Austin's been so much better about taking care of his own %&#.
I got off work so early and had to pick up choco chips to finish a project, so I offered to pop in to pick up a this or that for who and them wherever.
Austin: Nah, I have to pick up X anyway.
Me: Fine.
So I get chips. I'm in my car. Not pulled out of the parking lot yet.
Austin calls me on my cell: I was thinking, if I pick up dinner, it will be cold by the time I Alpha Beta Zed. Would you do it for me?
Me: Sure.
Then I went to YYYYY and it was a madhouse. And then I stood in line. The line was clogging up the aisles it was so long. Then the attendant had so many people to help she kept abandoning me when I finally got to the front. I turn to the woman next to me and start singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
Finally, I get checked out and get to leave.
Then suddenly, I don't feel so bad for bashing Austin about not doing his own chores.

I Got Your Nose!

Me, teasing Austin: I got your nose [and I do the thing with my thumb like a nose].

Austin: Give it back! I can't smell without it.

Me: Yes you can. You smell plenty.

Interpretive Dance

Me: I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.
Austin: Interpretive dance is an excellent medium. 

 

I write little notes to myself about Austin's quips so I don't forget to post them. 

So a few days later, Austin was going through the papers at my desk.

Austin: I will never be able to tell you how much I love you. Interpretive dance is an excellent medium. You never said that.

Me: No, %^$#. You said it.

Engaged, the Memories

December 19, 2012: The five-year anniversary of Austin proposing to me. Remember that we got married on January 12, 2013. The reception hall was rented, my house was cluttered with decorations and I had to-do lists coming out of my ^&#%&. 

Austin was kissing me goodnight. 

Austin: So, you wanna be my wife? 

Me: Yes. 

We kiss again. 

Me: So, is that my official proposal? 

Him: Yeah. I was gonna wait for it to snow, but it's been so warm lately. 

Me: It's supposed to snow tomorrow. 

Him: Oh. 

So that's the official proposal. 

Five years ago. SMH. And he's still mine and no one else wants him.

Platonic Love

A (female) co-worker and I declared our love for each other today. Poor Austin. What will he say?

Homemade Sprite

Austin: I mixed some tonic water and limes, thinking it'd be kind of like Sprite. It's not. In fact, it's kind of gross. You want to try some?
Me, all like you can't be serious and Austin giving me puppy dog eyes. So I try it. And it was sour, like sucking a hundred limes. Squishy face and tongue out. Go to bathroom and swish with Listerine.
I return a few minutes later, reading some French.
Austin: Do you want some more?

Love Note

I wrote Austin a love note, told him I loved him, but not because of his money. For his soul. You know, BS.

Austin: Thank you for the note.
Me: You like it when I tell you I don't love you for your money?
Austin: I like it when you tell me you love me in general.
Me: How about in captain?
Austin: And in corporal.

Secret Santa

Austin, text one: We're having a Secret Santa exchange at work. Describe me in three words.

Before I can reply, Austin, text two: It has to be work-appropriate.

My first response: Bizarre hippy gourmet.

My second: Radical Dungeon Master.

The Ceiling

Austin told me I had a little dirt on my cheek and how cute it looked (especially avec mon bonnet de douche).

Austin, switching his phone to selfie mode: Here, look.

Me: An all-time low, using your camera as a mirror.

It looks like I got this done in a day, but it took a month between letting the plaster dry and work.

And pics, in case you care. The last one, that's as good as it's getting. I give up.

Stomach Grumbling

I go into the kitchen.
Austin: I mixed the bacon and blah blah blah, but I can't finish it because blah blah blah.
I go through the fridge for some munchies. Austin keeps talking. Nothing strikes my fancy in the fridge.
Me: Why is there no bacon?
Austin: Because I cut it up and put it in with the quiche mix. We have more bacon if you want to cook it.
Me: No. Why don't we have quiche yet?
Austin: Because I have to wait for the pie crust to reach room temperature. You realize I just told you this not five minutes ago and this proves you weren't listening to me.
I leave the room without food or comment.

Anniversaries

Me: X forgot about his wedding anniversary.

Austin: What did his husband say?

Me: It's OK. He forgot too.

Austin: Maybe I should have married a man.

Me, the look.
Me: They should do what we did and have dating on one birthday and our wedding on the other.
Austin: Yeah, very easy. Wedding on January twelfth.
Me, looking at him.
Austin: It is, isn't it?
Me, still staring.
Austin: It is? Rachel, isn't it?

Picture

Austin: My class was asking to see pictures of you and since I got my new phone, I took the pictures out of my wallet and we can't have phones on at work . . . so no pictures. One of my students said, "I know exactly what kind of woman your wife is. She's young, she's beautiful and she's all hippy."
Me, rolling laughter.
Austin: Well, you're beautiful.

Me: You just say that because you have to live with me.

Apps

Austin: This phone has a compass. I also downloaded a translator app for our France trip next year. Oh it costs. Never mind.

Background Noise

I was working on the ceiling. Austin got up as I was working, so I paused Moana. Austin started telling me about his day, work, the people in his class. I return to working on the ceiling.
Austin: Are you watching Moana?
Me: Not really. I just put it on while I'm working, so that I have some noise in the background. But since you're up, you're my noise now.
Austin: I knew you were going to say that.

Siri

I went to my room to put away laundry.
Austin, knocking on my door: Can I bother you?
Me: Yes, you frequently do.
Austin: You want to play with Siri with me?
Austin asks it a few questions.
Austin: You want to ask a question? (I signal disinterest) Ask it a question.
Me, groaning: Siri, do I love my husband?
Siri: I'd rather not say.
Me: Ha!
Austin: Siri, where's a good place to hide a body?
Siri: I used to know the answer to that question.

Remember, I just bought jigsaw blades. I'm ready.

Jigsaw Blades

While fixing the ceiling, we needed a new blade for the jigsaw (the one we got at a yard sale for $1.00).

Me: The hardware up the street is still open. They'll have a blade. The only bad thing about that place is that you have to use case or check.

Austin: They don't take Apple Pay?!?!?!

iPhone

Austin has been talking about getting an iPhone for months. AND HE FINALLY GOT ONE.
He comes in, opens his brand new phone and hands it to me. So I start playing with it.
Austin: I went in to pick it up and blah blah blah blah blah blah. And these are the directions.
Me, still looking at the phone: Mhmmm.
Austin: I know you're not listening to me. I shouldn't have handed you the phone first. Can you at least look up for a minute so I can show you the directions?
Me: Mhmmm (acknowledging the couple of pages vs the book Verizon gave us).
Austin: And this is the key. And you're already not listening to me again.

Patching the Hole

Remember when the ceiling collapsed? Finally getting around to fixing it.

Me, wailing about the difficulty of fixing the ceiling, because it's made of plaster.

Me: It's not going to be as easy as it looked in that one video. I'm not going to be able to screw through plaster. The wood slats are too close to the plaster bit, so I'm not going to be able to fit two by fours up there. And that hole is 30 inches by 19 inches. That's not a patch job. But it will get done. And I know one thing. When I patch my hole, it's gonna look better than when Mom patched her hole. And don't say what you're thinking.

Austin, snickering. 

A Beard

Mom & I discussing happiness.
Me: You have to be happy yourself. Things don't make you happy. People can't make you happy.
Mom: I know at least one person who makes you happy. He has a beard.
I immediately think Santa Claus and smile.
Mom: And long hair.
Me: Oh. 

Yeah, my husband, completely Santa.

More Iron Fist

Watching more Iron Fist.
Me: You know that guy was probably 33 when this was shot.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: He doesn't look as old to me now.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: I think it's mostly the hair.
Austin: And the suit. They've made him up to look older. You could make me up to look 40.
Me: Easily.
Austin: Especially if I took out my teeth.

Christmas Presents

Austin: I don't know what to get my brother for Christmas.

Me: You were really nice to him for his birthday. Just something small will do.

Austin: I love my bro.

Me: Which shows poor judgment on your part.

Austin: Yep, and I also married you.

Marshmallow Cocoa Mugs

The tiny marshmallows on top are called micromallows on the package.

Austin: I can't wait to break into those [micromallows]. I'm gonna put a whole handful in my hot chocolate.

Me: Be sure to leave enough for my marshmallow project.

Austin eyes the package of thousands.

Austin: I think you've got enough.