Steak N Shake

At Steak & Shake, Mom and Austin both got a double patty on their burgers. I got a single patty.
Austin: Me and your mom, we eat like men.
Me: At least you do something like a man.
Austin: Ohhh, I'm going to move out. I'm going to live on your porch. That way I'll scare off any men who might come around.
Me: I don't want any men.
Austin: OK, women.
Me: OK, that would be Mom and you don't scare her.

Weird Things

I was fidgeting with this odd note hanging on Austin's mirror.
Austin: I keep a lot of weird things.
Me: Like me?
Austin: You're not the weirdest thing I've kept. But you're up there.

Eye Checkup

Me: You're so sexy and so handsome. I love you so much.
Austin: Every time you say that, I think we should have signed up for the vision plan for our insurance.
Me: My eyes are fine. You're gorgeous.
Austin: You need to get your eyes checked.
Me: I did. I've only had these glasses for a month.
Austin: They need returned.

Dinner Suggestions

Me: I've got three dinners planned for next week. Got any suggestions?

Austin: Steak.

Me: Okay, four.

Austin: Surprise me.

Me: Well, I can definitely do that. I love surprises. And remember, when I'm up to a challenge, my surprises are scarier than yours.

Continued

I was making a smoothie and peeled one cutie and tossed it in the blender.

Me, showing the carafe to my husband: Do you think I need a second cutie?

Austin: Yes.

Me: Do you think--

Austin: I know you're going to say something about the cute waiter from that restaurant. Don't.

Me: Am I that predictable?

Austin: Yes.

Emun Elliott Moment

We had a cute waiter at this Mexican restaurant we frequent and I was really enjoying looking at him.

Me: Damn, he's cute. I could watch him walk away all day. Man, I could pay him to let me take a picture of him and just set it up at our table.

Austin, giving me a look.

Me: Sorry, I was having an Emun Elliott moment.

Since Austin wouldn't let me take a picture of the waiter, here's a pic of Emun Elliott.

Banging Amazing

Austin: Have I told you lately that you’re amazing?

Me: You told me yesterday.

Austin: You’re banging amazing.

Me: You banged me Saturday, but you refused me yesterday. So I had to take matters into my own hands. Literally.

Dying iPad

I was mentioning that our iPad is dying.

Austin: That has been a great iPad. I mean perfect. Free. That was so nice of X to give it to us.

Me: It was.

Austin: I owe her. I should pay her in sex. Show her how much I appreciate her.

Me: Don't do that. She'll never speak to us again.

That Face

Austin voluntarily told me this.

Austin: My co-worker said to me, "Sometimes I feel bad for your wife. She has to come home and see that face."

And he's all mine.

Ding-a-ling

Austin and I were texting back and forth.

I returned my phone to my purse and started driving. My mother was in the passenger seat.

Mom: You just got another ding-a-ling.

Me: Yeah, it's from the ding-a-ling.

Argument

My mother had made an argument and Austin was disputing it. I sided with Mom.

Me: My mother has a point.

Austin: She also has a round. And you're both wrong.

Return of the Emotional Eggs

Austin did it this time, so it's okay.

Dividing Bills

Via e-mail

Hi Austin,

I was looking at the receipt from Max Vauchee. It's not itemized. It's just the total. So I have no idea how much each of us spent. Let me know how you'd like to break down the expenses.

Love you more than life, sexy man.

Me

Austin 

Today, 7:11 AM

Wanna split it down the middle? Is that ok with you? I feel we will share the truffles and specaloos, and I don’t know how much the teapot was compared to the turtle, golf balls, and elephant suckers. If you think they were more than the teapot, then I will defer to your judgement.

Love you too,

AF

 

Me

7:13

I know the teapot was about 17 euros. I don’t know what the turtle, golf balls and suckers were. A little more than a euro each on the suckers, 5 on the turtle. I have no idea what the gold balls were. Do you remember?

ME

7:15

Also, I got Mom a mother’s day gift. I don’t remember what it was. About 5? If you want to split down the middle fine, but I think I spent 5-10 more than you.

Austin

Today, 7:16 AM

I think splitting it is fine – plus I wanna help eat what’s left of the teapot…

Me

7:17

K. 50/50 split it is.

Loire Valley Day Five

Tour is over. Heading back to America.

As Austin's going off to the restroom, Me: I love my man.

Mom: Or whatever he is.

Austin was showing us that his iPad organized his photos by date and which chateau we visited and even put it on a map! All by itself!

Austin: My iPad is smarter than I am.

Me: That's not too hard.

I told Mom that one of the guides thanked me for my smile.

Me: He doesn't know me very well. He said I had a positive attitude.

Mom: It's a vacation. Everyone was in a good mood. Show me who didn't have a positive attitude.

I pointed at Mom.

Austin put his teeth in the checked luggage instead of wearing them for the flight home.

Austin: I had a horrifying thought. If we lose our luggage, I won't have any teeth.

Mom: You can borrow one of my old sets.

If I never hear either of these sounds ever again, I'll be all too happy. One sounds like a murder mystery blip and the other sounds like it comes out of the old black and white Phantom of the Opera.

Loire Valley Day Four

Tourist Z was calling me and Austin an inspiration.

Austin: They think we're an inspiration. That young couple that owned the vineyard and had all that money, that's what I think of as inspirational.

Pictorial proof: It says, "Thank you for all the laughs and inspiration."

In a poppy field:

Me: Did we drive out here just for the poppies?

Guide: Was that Rachel?

Guide: Laraine (my mother), I'm going to have you help us out.

Mom: Maybe.

Guide: I want you to be in the center.

Mom: Oh, then it's okay.

Austin, in the stable: I'm gonna take a picture of Laraine's first car.

At Max Vauchee, chocolatier.

Tourist Y: Are you in heaven?

Me: We haven't gone in yet.

Later, Me: Now I'm in heaven.

Austin: I'm not claiming anything with customs. I don't have anything of value.

Me: We already know that.

Guide, taking a picture: Point at the wall.

Mom: Watch which finger.

Wild boar are out of season right now, but . . . 

Austin: I want to come back in the fall. I want to hunt boar.

Me: You're already married to one.

One of the things we discussed at dinner was the random porn available at night on French TV. Mom said she found some after ten the previous night. 

We got from the day's tour. First thing I did was head to the tub for a nice relaxing bath. I was shaving my legs and I heard the French TV switch on. Sure enough, it's after 10:00.

Me: Thank you for being an excellent lover.

Austin: You're welcome. Just don't tell anyone.

Me: I didn't. I only hinted.

Austin: I told you before. I don't like it when you tell people about our sex life. Now, if you want to tell people that I have an incredibly huge schlong, that's fine.

Me: I'm not going to lie.

Austin bought a couple of bottles of wine and worried about getting them back to the U.S. He spent several hours packaging them.

Austin: I feel like my wine is solid.

Me: Most people prefer liquid.

Loire Valley Day Three

We took a tour of a local winery. They sell their wares at a store, La Cave, if you're interested. The owners had several pets, including two dogs and a bird.

Austin: Hey beautiful.

Me, turning around: Hey.

He's petting a dog.

Wine tour guide talking about marketing wine and making the labels, and the things that make the wine sell better. Like animals. Humorous pics.

Austin: If you put both, I'll definitely buy it. I'm easy to convince.

Me: I know.

One of our hosts looking at pictures our guide took: Oh, it's an all-girls tour.

Whoops. Poor Austin.

Our group started talking about the Paris police and how unpleasant they are.

Austin: As many times as I've been arrested--

Me: The myriad of times?

Austin: Okay, but with my brother too. The police have always been really nice.

Mom: They like repeat business.

We learned that in the Medieval times, the reason men and women were staggered at the dining table is because men would use the dresses of the ladies to their right as napkins.

Austin speculating about where to sit, left or right.

Fellow Tourist: Napkins are on the right. Do the right thing.

Implying Austin should use me as the napkin.

Our meal, roasted chicken and potatoes, mixed veggies.

Austin: I died and went to heaven. And heaven is make of potatoes.

Je parle francais un peu and did all the translating with the locals.

Austin: I wish I spoke another language.

Me: You do speak another language.

Tourist X: I've never smelled a dead bodies, but I think it has to be pretty strong.

Me: We had mice in February. We took care of them back then, but there's a dead one under the sink. I can't get to it. It still smells and it's pretty hideous. I would figure a dead body has to be similar to that.

X: So the smell lingers.

Me: Yeah.

Tourist Y: So a dead body would be this a hundred times.

Me: Yeah.

X: So no dead bodies in the house.

Me: I didn't say that.

Laughter, gets Austin's attention.

Me: She's giving me tips, Austin.

Austin: I didn't hear. Was it about murder?

Me: Yep.

Austin: That's always my fear with international travel.

Loire Valley Day Two

I paid for lunch and Austin thought it was his turn next.

Me: No, it's Mom's. We're going in alpha order by last name.

Austin, stunned silence.

Austin: That's stupid. Let's go by most years completed of college. And if that doesn't work, then by age. Then by number of uncles we have.

The toilets didn't have toilet seats. The true squatty potty.

Austin: That's why everyone was wearing them around their necks at the airport.

Me, puzzled.

Austin: You know, the cushioned ones.

SMH.

Austin had a food-gasm over the almond cookies.

Me: You're not allowed to make that noise in public.

Austin, tipsy, walking along the street: I'm easy to hit now.

Me: You've always been easy to hit.

The ladies were calling Austin amazing.

Me: What did he do that was so amazing?

Ladies: Everything.

Me: Shocking, maybe, but not amazing.

Austin: Lover.

Me: They better not know that.

Mom, on the olives: Salty, like your wife.

I called the last of the three cheeses we tasted the doughnut. And it had a pretty sharp taste, which I announced to the group.

Austin: The first two were subtle, but the last one was pretty strong. But I was prepared for the doughnut.

Austin: Not only am I the only guy, I have the longest hair.

He was also the youngest by seven weeks.

Austin just confided that Mom answered the door this evening in her bra.

Me: I don't believe you. You're not sufficiently distressed about it.

Austin: I was trying to be polite.

Took some photos of Amboise and explored the ville. Got a little lost while looking around.

Austin: I think it's this way. Do you have a feeling?

Me: I feel like I have to go to the bathroom.

Mom: Let me get one with the two of you.

Me: You've already got the two of us.

Austin: You can't get rid of us.

Mom: I don't know. We're pretty high up.

Loire Valley Day One

This year, my family went to the Loire Valley in France for our vacation. Austin said it was the best trip he's ever taken. Among other things. If you're interested in checking it out, follow the link below. It's a six day tour, but we didn't quip too much one of them, so I combined the notes.

Loire Valley Trip

Three of our five flights were delayed . . .

Me: What causes delays?

Austin: Weather, pilots. Runways of unicorns.

Later, Austin: If I saw a bunch of unicorns, I'd stop. 

 

I mentioned all the walking we were doing at the terminal in Canada.

Me: I'm glad I didn't take my walk this morning. We're putting in a lot of steps here.

Austin: The only extra steps I'm taking are away from you and your mom.

Austin: The urinals are flooded. Gross.

Me: I'm sorry you couldn't use the bathroom before take off.

Austin: I still went. I had to go. I just didn't enjoy the go.

Me, singing the Charmin commercial: We all have to go. Might as well enjoy the go.

Austin: Sir, can you tell me where the garbage is so I can dispose of my wife and mother-in-law?

Miraculously, we arrived to our hotel in time. And after all the fun in Canada, Austin felt entitled to a liberal drink.

Austin, regarding drinking too much: I might embarrass myself.

Me: You don't need alcohol to do that.

Guide: If it's wine and cheese you want--

Austin: I whine a lot.

Austin, re guide driving the minibus through the narrow gate: Is she a jedi?

Me: By the end of the week, I'll want to kill my family.

Austin: That's every week.

Austin: You don't want to offend people that don't know you.

Mom: Oh, I don't know about that.

Our guide took a picture of us and unfortunately, Austin and I were commiserating about our appearances.

Me: We look fat in the pic.

Austin: We'll delete it.

Me: Don't do that.

Austin: It's the first day. We'll have plenty of time for good pics. We don't need to keep one pic with bad photography.

Me: I'm not sure that's the photography.

Smother

Someone thinks this is me and Austin.

Poppies

Me: I have seven poppies in full bloom!
Austin: You know what they do with poppies.
Me: I do.
Austin: They’re for popping weasels. Weasels will go after chickens. We need to get some chickens, so the poppies will protect the chickens from weasels.

Cranberry Joose

Someone thinks he's funny.

Putt-Putt

Austin & I went putt-putting last night. We invited Mom along, but she said it was too hot.
Austin: Do you think it's too hot? I mean, I think there's a nice breeze and it's humid, but I don't think it's too hot.
Me: I don't have a problem. Well, I have you.

Chinese Food

Me, to Mom: Austin says he'd be up for Chinese food on our way home. He'd be even more up for it if you'd pay.

Stomach Bug

Me: X has a stomach bug.

Austin: Oh, that's too bad. Tell him not to swallow any pesticides.

Me: Why would he do that?

Austin: To kill the bug. It doesn't work on stomach bugs.

Me: Oh, good god.

Austin: Don't tell him I said that.

Truffle

Austin: You got me a truffle?
Me: Yeah.
Austin: What did you get for yourself?
Me: Nothing. I wasn't in the mood for chocolate.
Austin: Who are you? Get out of this house. You're not my wife.

You Make Me So Happy

Me: You make me so happy.
Austin: That's what I live for.
Me: That's a Herculean task you've set up for yourself.
Austin, fake crying: I know.

Scratch

My rear end itched, so I scratched it. Austin gave me a look.
Me: Sometimes, when your &$; itches, you have to scratch it.

Because Austin had given me a look, I went over and scratched his chin, then giggled.

Me: I love you.

And I kissed him.
Austin: Apparently sometimes you have to kiss it too.

Chicken Nuggets

Austin picked up a large fry and a 10 piece chicken nugget on our way home. I had no problem helping him with the French fries, but limited myself to two chicken nuggets.

Austin: Is that all you're having?

Me: They're your chicken nuggets. I'd feel bad eating them all.

Austin: I got ten because I thought you'd share them with me. Please, eat more. You can have all the chicken nuggets you want.

Me: Clearly, I'm limited to ten chicken nuggets, since that's all you bought, so I can't have all that I want.

Grendl

While watching the mud show, Austin picked out a guy in perhaps his sixties who was rolling around in the mud and playing Grendl. He was really throwing himself into the role, getting mud on the kids, taking one of the patron's sunglasses.

Austin: I could picture me doing that.

Me: Mhmm.

Austin: I even kind of look like that guy. Once my hair starts to recede, I'll look like him. In twenty years or so, that could be me.

Me: Sooner.

Grey Wolf

Austin loves wolves, among other things.

Me, pointing out the window: Look, a Grey Wolf camper.

Austin: I already knew there a brand of campers, Grey Wolf.

Me: I was just pointing it out, so you know, you could buy one. So you'll have a place to live when I throw you out.

Flamingo Light

Me: Every morning when I leave for work I can see my flamingo glowing in the yard. I love that little devil.

Austin: I'm glad you like your five anniversary gift so much.

Me: You didn't get that for me for our anniversary. You got it for Mother's Day.

Austin: ^&*# I knew it was one or the other. What did I get you for our five year anniversary?

Me: I don't remember.