Cream

Austin was watching TV and I was in the mood, so I climbed into his lap, gave him an extended kiss.
Me: Would you like me to give you a blow job?
Austin: We’re out of cream. We have to go to Kroger. I won’t be able to have coffee until I get cream.

Nothing like being rejected for coffee. And to add insult to injury.
Me: Well, I don’t know if I can be taken out in public right now. I just want to hug and squeeze you all to pieces.
Austin: Well, you don’t have to go, but I—
Me: I know, I know. Coffee is so much more important than your wife.
Austin: Not just coffee. Tea too.

American Tail

Remember the movie American Tail? Austin is down in the kitchen singing, "There are no cats in America and the streets are paved with cheese!"
Me, upstairs at my computer: Stop threatening the cats! 

Coffee vs. Menstration

Talking about Austin’s coffee habit vs. my menstrual cycle. I’ll let your mind fathom how it came to this end. And also keep in mind, I had a hysterectomy. I don't have a period anymore.

Me: Periods don’t last all month.
Austin: Really? ‘Cause with you—
Austin elected not finish this statement.

Funeral Socks

A dear friend of mine, Jim, passed away, so we were at his funeral. At one point, someone mentioned that Jim was wearing Superman socks. He apparently requested to be buried in these socks. Me, I love footies and have a special affinity for the socks my mother-in-law knits for me.

Me: I want to be buried in a pair of socks that your mom knitted.

Austin: That's fine. I want to be buried in my werewolf costume.

Me: I'll try. I mean, I'll see what I can do. I plan on throwing you in a ditch. It'll probably be me on the phone with Mom, “Yeah, come up and help me clean the blood off the floor. Then we need to carry the body out.”

Pizza

We have sworn off the local pizza place due to poor service. We also no longer call it by name. My husband calls it Dick's...

Austin: I love Blaze Pizza. I can get my pizza exactly how I want it. It's a great substitute for Dick's, since I'm not allowed to eat there.

Me: You're allowed to eat there, you'd just encounter your wife's wrath.

Austin: So it'd be exactly the same as every other day.

Leah's Car

Austin, driving behind a car: That's your sister's car.

Me, checking the license plate: That's not Leah's car.

Austin: Sure it is. I'll just give it a little bump hello. Oh whoops, no, that's not Leah's car after all.

The Rachel Assist App

Mom and I were both commenting on how excellent the GPS app Austin has is. Then he was in the lane to exit to I-71, but he should have been in the lanes to continue on I-270.

Me: You need to get over. I'm surprised the app couldn't tell you were in the wrong lane.

Austin: I need to download the update. The Rachel assist app.

GPS

The GPS tells Austin he needs to be in the left lane and Mom and I are both impressed.

Me: See, even GPS knows you're in the wrong lane.

Mom: I don't know how GPS can know that.

Austin: I do. I don't even have to be near Rachel and she knows when I've done something wrong.

Hard Heart

I ordered a sandwich, which was okay. I'm not a big fan of sandwiches. But Austin usually is.

Austin: The bread they serve it on is hard. I don't feel like dealing with it.

Me: But you feel like dealing with me? My heart is hard.

Austin: No it's not. It's cold. Like ice cream.

Sugar Substitute

Yesterday afternoon, Austin, Mom and I ate at La Chatelaine. Austin had coffee. And he put eight sugar packets in it. Mom was pushing the empty papers around the table and shrieking. Me, I wasn't all that surprised. We (I mean he) go through a 4 pound bag of sugar a week. At least.

Austin: I'm looking for a sugar substitute. Basically something that tastes just like sugar, but isn't bad for you. An awesome sugar substitute.

Me: I'm looking for a husband substitute. Something that cleans house and pays all the bills. An awesome husband substitute. But I'm stuck with you.

Brio's

Austin and I were talking about our visit to Brio. I love Brio and we must visit this restaurant more often.
Me: I liked the lasagna, but I wouldn’t get it again. It wasn’t what I expected.
Austin: Yeah. It wasn’t very meaty. And it was very cheesy.
Me: Just like you. You would think I’d like it more.

Buns

Austin was buying hamburger buns for a cookout at work. After loading 16 lbs of sugar into the car, he almost fell over lifting four packages of buns.

Austin: Whoops! Those buns are too heavy for me.

Me, swatting his rear: Those buns are too heavy for me.

Like a Crazy Woman

I frequently say I have to pee like crazy/I have to pee like mad. Because I have a bladder the size of a pea... Stopping at rest stops and making detours is kind of just a way of life right now.

Me: I have to pee like a mad woman.

Austin: You are a mad woman. What do mad women pee like?

**rolls eyes

Later, at Easton, Me: And I kind of have to pee, so once we get in, I'll have to run to the restroom.

Austin: Do you have to pee like a crazy woman?

Me: No, more like a mildly irritated one.

Austin: I think a crazy woman would pee standing up.

Me: I can pee standing up. Remember? My roommate told me about her boyfriend peeing in the shower and how gross it was and I was a raging feminist, so I taught myself.

Austin: I also think that peeing like a rainbow would be crazy. A peeing dance.

Sugar Scoop

The sugar bowl was almost empty, so I pulled out the scoop and set it aside. Austin was trying to put sugar in his tea. He's been drinking my tea lately... I pulled down the bag of sugar. So I poured about two pounds of sugar into the canister and turn to put the scoop back in. And it's not where I just put it.

Me: Tell me you didn't put the scoop back into the canister before I dumped the sugar in.

Austin: Yeah, I put it back in the canister.

!!!!!!!!

So I grab a tablespoon scooper that came with a canister of coffee.

Me: An interim scoop until we (you like we, like I consume more than a tablespoon of sugar a day?) consume enough sugar to reach the regular scoop.

Austin, taking the canister: I'll just get it out.

So he dumps the canister of sugar back into the sugar bag and digs out the scoop.

Me: Seriously, you thought that was a better idea than just using a different scoop for a couple of days?

Yes, he's OCD.

Cupcakes

Me: I hate to tell you this, but everyone voted for the strawberry chocolate cupcake. A few voted both, but everyone who chose a side chose the strawberry chocolate.
Austin: Well, it’s a good thing my vote means so much more than everyone else’s.

Le Sucre

Austin was in my way as usual.
Me: J’ai besoin du sucre.
Austin: What?
Me: I’m in need of some sugar.
Austin swept me up in his arms and hugged me.

The Cookie

Yesterday:
Me: I just want you to know that there’s one cookie left and I left it for you.
Austin: Thank you. Those are my birthday cookies and I want them.
Me: Yes. I just want you to know. I left it for you.
Austin: Thank you.
Me: I want you to recognize that. I left it for you.
Austin gave me a look.

Then today.
Me: I saw that the cookie was still downstairs.
Austin: I know.
Me: I didn’t eat it.
Austin: I know.
Me: I just want you to know that.
Austin: I trust you.
Me: You shouldn’t. That cookie is still downstairs.

The Orville

Austin & I are a few episodes behind, so we’ve been binge-watching The Orville. Watching Lasting Impressions.
Me: OMG, another sad episode. Gordon just had a sad episode. He can’t have another one.
Austin: Don’t forget Identity. Those were sad for Isaac. And Alara just got written off.
Me: This show is so sad. The real Star Trek is funnier than this.
Austin: Someone needs to write Seth MacFarlane. Tell him to take comedy lessons from Voyager.

Girlfriend

Austin & I celebrated twelve years of being together a couple of weeks ago. Wellll, my nephew was celebrating six months of being with his girlfriend, had it posted on Facebook and everything. And while she spent Christmas with us, I wasn't really suspicious of six months. I knew he knew her a while before they technically started dating, so I didn't think much of it. But when I saw him on Mother's Day, I mentioned it.

My sister pipes up: It's ten months. Charmaine counts ten months, because that's when they started dating. Six months is when he asked her to be his girlfriend.
Me: Ooooohhh!

So I told Austin this story later because he didn't come visit with my sister and her family that morning.

Me: They're young. They celebrate everything.
Austin: You celebrated us being together six months.
Me: I didn't post it on Facebook.
Austin: Oooohhh, the true marker.
Me: Besides, you never asked me to be your girlfriend. We had a discussion about six months after we started dating to discuss the state of the relationship. Which I initiated.

Austin gets down on his knee, takes my hand, holds it to his heart.

Austin: Will you be my girlfriend?
Me: No.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Moi: Aujourd’hui est appele la Fete Des Meres.
Austin, Mon Mari: I sometimes have day mares too.

My Mother’s Day gift. Our itinerary for our trip specifically recommends lip balm. I’m gonna be the only one with ice cream pop coconut scented lip balm.

Colon

I was sending a text.

Me: I can never find the colon.

Austin: It's usually by the rectum.

Mom: How do you have time for all the humor?

Austin: You make time for the things that are important.

We Have Verizon

A Verizon commercial just came on. A man fell in the woods, shattered his hip. Thanks, Verizon, because of you I had a signal and could call my wife.
Austin: We have Verizon. I could go hiking in the woods, break my hip and then call you.
I give him the look.
Austin: Then I’d call 9-1-1, ‘cause you wouldn’t do anything about it.

Because my husband loves puns

Me: I think X at work is a troublemaker. She keeps saying that she’s going to get fired. I mean, I don’t know anyone else who gets threatened to be fired. I think she used to be important at her old job, so she’s used to complaining to management and getting her way. Anyway, it gave me pause.
Austin, taking my fingers and stroking them: And yet you still have hands.
(Paws if you missed it.)

Chilling Adventures...

Austin and I were watching the finale of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, ten minutes left. Lucifer puts his hand out for Sabrina.
The electricity goes out, lights, the television turns off. Thunder crashes, the heavens open up and all the rain in the world beats down on us.
Austin: Well played, God.

Chocolate

Doctor's Appointment

Me: Mom thought she had a doctor’s appointment today, but it’s actually next week. So she went to the doctor’s office for no reason.
Austin: She should have demanded that they see her anyway. ‘I’m old! I might be dead by next week.’

Conscience

Watching the Price, an episode of Star Trek Next Gen with Austin. The end of the episode, the guy is asking Troi to run away with him. “You could be my conscience.”
Austin: You could be my conscience.
Me: You could be my conscience, but then we’d both go to hell.

Zoot Suit & Women

Austin and I were speculating about my nephew's potential marriage in the future.

Me: It'll be a formal wedding, of course.

Austin, groaning: I'll have to get a suit.

Me: You won't need a suit. Just your slacks and button-down shirt, like what you wear to work.

Austin: Oh no. I want to pimp it out. I want to get a zoot suit and I'll have a couple of women on my arms.

Me: Good luck getting a couple of women.

Austin: I figured I'd get Loni and Megen. We don't have to tell anyone they're married.

Me: Well, yeah. That's the only way you're going to get another woman.

Moles

Austin had an appointment with a dermatologist yesterday because he had at least one questionable mole and he mentioned another one to his doctor.

Austin, recounting his words to the doctor: There's this one between my legs. It's huge. It bothers my wife.

Me, hand over face: The big opening in the middle of your face bothers me more.

Woke Up Early

Me: I was awake a while before I got up this morning.
Austin: Me too. I find I’ve been doing that a lot when I have a day off. I wake up at three. Then I go back to sleep for an hour. Then I lay in bed until I want to get up. I figure it’s my day off, I’ll do what I want.
Me: As long as you’re married, you’re not allowed to do what you want.

Lanning's

Me to Mom: Don't forget we're stopping at Lanning's.

Mom: I know.

Me: Just saying. Austin tends to forget those kinds of things. It's always touch and go when Austin drives. Mostly, I touch him hard across the face.