Vanity Plates

We saw an inordinately high number of vanity license plates today. 5HWIFTY, GR8 LMT, LVQUILTS.

Austin: Does that say FRY BOYZ?
Me: It says FRV 8012.

Monkey Bread

Me: If I make monkey bread out of the leftover rolls, would you want me to put dried cherries—
Austin: Absolutely not!
Me: I didn’t figure you’d want any, but the recipe I found calls for them.
Austin: No, no. No dried nothing. That ruins desserts. You bite down into this warm, soft, delicious bread, all sweet and gooey, then all the sudden, your teeth hits this dry, wrinkled up, bitter piece of yuck.
Me: And all of the sudden, you’re describing my mother.

I'm Thankful For...

Austin: I'm thankful that I have you. I love you. I’m so lucky you're in my life.
Austin & I embrace deeply.
Austin: The only thing that would be better than you would be two of you.
Me: Boy, you’re a glutton for punishment.


I’m thankful for this guy. Happy B-day, Emun Elliott.

Pre-Christmas Gift

 As a pre-Christmas gift, my mother-in-law gave us a Google assistant. Austin was raving over it, how wonderful it was and broke it open instantly. He was playing with it, programming it, checking its features. My mother-in-law mentioned sci-fi horror movies and how much closer we are to those becoming a reality. Austin was ignoring it all.

Austin: Check this out. Hey Google, what’s my name?
Google: Sexy hunk man.
Me: Hey Google, what’s my name?
Google: Sexy hunk man.
Me: I don’t think we have to worry about AI’s taking over the world just yet.

Surprise

Our Thai basil was looking exceptionally wilted, so I ran over to water it.
Austin: Make sure you water the sweet basil too.
Me: They’re right next to each other. Of course I’m going to water them both.
Austin: I’m just saying. You surprise me constantly. Even after twelve years, you always surprise me.
Me: What have I done lately that’s surprised you?
No answer. We finished putting away groceries.
Me, sometime later: You never said what I’ve done to surprise you lately.
Austin: Well, I woke up alive this morning. That’s always a shock.

Bad Day

I had a bad morning, so since Austin was getting off work early, he offered to take me out to eat.
Austin, walking in from work: You ready to go?
Me: Actually, I just shut down my computer and was going to take a nap when I heard you come in.
Austin: Okay. You go take your nap. I’ll go without you.

Going To Bed

Me: I think I’m going to bed.
Austin: Remember to sleep in it also.

Cranberry Tea

Austin: You made cranberry tea!
Me: You told me to.
Austin: I told you to start it. I can’t believe you finished it.
Me: You told me how to.
Austin: I’m impressed. That saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, would never work with a b*#%$ like you.

OfTen

We were watching TV and a character said: I hope you don’t ask me to do that too ofTen.
Often is pronounced offen, but is frequently mispronounced.
Me: I wonder if he would mind if I asked him to do it offen.
Austin: As long as it’s not too offen.
Me: I was disputing the pronunciation, not the modifier, Austin.
Austin: It’s Aussin. The T is silent.

Corn Dog

I made a big batch of kettle corn, then went up to Austin’s room. Normally, I snuggle in his bed while he sits at his desk, but he was in his bed, so I took his desk chair and continued to munch.
Austin, a few minutes later, hovering over me: Can I steal your seat?
Me: This seat has kettle corn.
Austin: That’s why I want it.

After giving a few kernels to Cassie.
Austin: Don’t give her too much. She’ll turn into a corn dog.

Freudian

Austin was talking about lunch.

Austin: I wasn't going to pay $11 for a little empanada and a pile of fries. Fries are only good when they're warm. After a minute or two, they're cold and limp.

Austin reached down and scratched his crotch.

Me: That was Freudian.

Trouble

Mom: How do you like your new phone?

Austin: I love it.

Mom: Then it's treating you better?

Austin: I never had a problem with it.

Mom: I thought you just bought something and you were having problems with it.

Austin, turning to me: I can't think of anything that I've been having problems with lately.

Me: Notice, he looks directly at me.

Love My Baby

I was brushing my teeth. Austin and the dog emerged from his room. I sat my toothbrush aside, crouched down and loved on my dog.

Me, baby voice: How's my girl? Are you a good girl? Of course, you're a good girl. Mommy loves you!

Austin: Hi.

Me, going back to the bathroom and picking up my toothbrush: Yeah.

Ominous

Austin was standing over me with an ominous expression on his face.
Me: What are you thinking?
Austin: I was thinking how beautiful you are and how lucky I am.
Me: That’s not what it looks like you’re thinking.
Austin: What does it look like I’m thinking?
Me: It looks like you’re planning to flay my skin off with a razor blade.
Austin: Now that you mention it, good idea.

Killing Flies

Austin & I were talking about killing flies after he took a dish towel and tried three times to swat it before actually killing it.
Me: My grandmother had trouble with fly swatters, but she could clap her hands and squash anything. Grossed me out at the time, but now that’s how I do it, then go wash my hands.
Austin: I couldn’t do that. I prefer to zap them with hairspray.
Me: See, I couldn’t do that, listening to the buzzing as they slowly die.
Austin: That’s the part I like. I like to gather their bodies into a jar and sit it on my desk and listen to it all night long.

Yellow Light

The light at the intersection was yellow.
Austin: If I put on the gas, I can make it.
Me: Better not. We’re in X. A cop will ticket us for going through.
Austin: You’re right. The guy behind us will magically transform into a cop just to spite me.

Children

Austin went over to visit one of his married friends. His wife, X, had a kid with her first husband. The kid is 13. She also has a kid with her second husband, who is 5 years old. While he was away, I was reading random articles. When I got home, I started sharing the random trivia I had learned.

 Me: Statistics show that children don’t make us as happy as we think they will.
Austin: X was just saying that. She says the only reason people want others to have babies is so they’ll be as miserable as they are.
Me: That’s a good excuse for the first one. What’s her excuse for the second one?

Upside Down Pineapple

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like going to work. Austin told me to take the day off and use PTO, since I had enough built up.
Me: I can’t. Tom will miss me.
So I went to work and told my buddy Tom this.
Tom: Uh oh! You shouldn’t say things like this. Austin might get jealous!
So I tell Austin this. He laughs.
Austin: Tom’s married. Get a picture of his wife.
Me: You’re telling me you want me to place an upside down pineapple on my desk? 

If you don't know what an upside down pineapple means, Google it.

I Love You Today

Austin: I love you today.
Me: I love you today too. I probably love you tomorrow.
Austin: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
He didn’t notice I said *probably*.

Bookmark

Mom was using my computer while Austin & I were out. A pillow was on my computer chair. Austin said he didn’t do it.
Austin: Whose pillow is it?
Me: Yours. I hope she didn’t go into my room. My dildo is sitting out in plain sight.
Austin: Don’t worry. She probably thought it was a weird bookmark.

Fake-Bakes

We were down to two fake bakes. I ate one and left the last one for Austin. On our way to the store.
Me: I left you the last fake bake.
Austin: It’s gone.
So apparently it was reasonable to make the whole pack.

Coupons

God bless Austin. I had a hankering for something sweet, so Austin mentioned the fake bakes in the fridge. He's opening the package and putting all 24 chocolate chip cookies on the baking sheet.

Me: We don't need to make all of them. I only want a couple.

Austin: Nah, we need to make them all so we need to buy more so Kroger will send us more coupons.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Coupon

Me: Kroger sent us a coupon for break-and-bake cookies. Should I give it to Mom or should we keep it?
Austin: Of course we should keep it.
Me: But we have a whole package of break-and-bakes in the fridge right now.
Austin: Well, this coupon gives us motivation to eat them, then we'll need to buy more.
Me: I don't need motivation to eat cookies.
Later, at the grocery store, Austin: When does the coupon expire?
Me: December eighth.
Austin: So we've got some time.
Me: Why wait?

Math Fun

I have leftover marshmallows and decided to make more rice crispy treats, since Austin nor I like marshmallows and I don't want them to take up space in the cupboard. I had 8.5, almost 9 ounces of marshmallows. The recipe called for 12 ounces of rice crispies to 20 ounces of marshmallows. Now, I can do a decent amount of math in my head, but...

Me: Hey Google, if 3 over 5 equals X over 9, what is X.

Google: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Me: Hey, Google, divide 9 by 5.

Google: 1.8.

Me: Hey Google, multiply 3 by 1.8.

Google: 5.4.

Me: You're like talking to Austin sometimes.

Murder, She Potted

Me: That pot is hideous.
Austin: That one? I love it. I want to search the internet right now to find a replica so we can sit it on our front porch.
Me: Absolutely not. No, wait. That’s a pretty big pot. You could hide a body in there. That would be perfect to hide your body in when I murder you and need to get away with it.
Austin: No, it wouldn’t. That’d be a horrible spot to hide a body. And on our front porch? You’d be caught in five minutes.
Me: Nah, this is a Murder, She Wrote episode. It’d take at least an hour for Jessica to put it together. And it’d be based on who’s holding a glass. Not a body in a pot on my front porch. In fact, it won’t possibly be me. I’d be the obvious conclusion. Jessica will show that in fact, you committed suicide and put yourself in the pot to make it look like me.

Mango Chutney

Austin: This mango ginger chutney you got me is awful. It’s not sweet at all.
Me, noticing the price tags in pounds, then the best by date: I got this when me, Mom and Leah went to Scotland & Ireland. That was five years ago.

Billy Lee's Chop Suey House

Late last night.

Austin: I'm still craving Billy Lee's. You probably don't want to eat at Billy Lee's Chop Suey House.

Me: You want to drive all the way out to Heath and back?

Austin: They deliver.

Me: Not out here.

Austin: I say we find out the end of their delivery range. Drive to that person's house, sit in the front yard. Then when the delivery person comes, flag them down and say no, no. That's for us.

He thinks he's funny.

Exhausted

Austin: Man, I’m tired.
Me: I was tired before we started.
Austin: You don’t have a 100 pound dog dragging you around the neighborhood.
Me: You don’t have a five inch scar on your abdomen.
Austin: You don’t have a five foot something pain in the #$%@ next to you.
Me, punches him.

Walk

Austin: If I put on jeans, would you like to go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on jeans, I will go on a walk with you.
Austin: If I put on Daisy Dukes, will you go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on Daisy Dukes, I’ll walk behind you with a camera and post it on Facebook.

Fortune Cookie

Me: I checked your fortune cookie. There’s no fortune in that one either.
Austin: I make my own fortune.
Me: And yet, we live in squalor.
Austin: I live in controlled chaos.