Happy Anniversary

This is a reference to former post: Loire Valley Day Four 6/17/2018.
There's even pictorial proof.

Me: Oh my gosh. We got 70 likes for our anniversary. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that many likes. And I didn’t tag you. That’s strictly my friends.
Austin: It’s because we’re such an inspiration.

Normal

Austin had a tough night last night, vomited and didn’t sleep well.
Me: Don’t give it to me.
Austin: I took my temperature and it was normal.
Me: That’s the only thing normal about you.
Austin: Well, actually it was 97.4, but close enough.

Can vs. Will

Austin: Can you get the butter out of the fridge?
Me: Yes.
Then I paused. Because 'I can' and 'I will' are two different things.
Me, getting the butter: I used to have a teacher who would say yes when you asked can, then let you stand there and never do anything.
Austin: English teachers are so particular.
Me: He was a history teacher actually. We all hated it. I thought about being a bitch and not getting the butter, but then I figured what’s the point?
Austin: You’re a bitch. No need proving it.

Just Like Humans

Austin was watching Kipo and the Wonderbeasts. I was only half-paying attention.
Me: So some of the animals up top are intelligent and some are not?
Austin: Yeah. Just like humans.

Bifocals

Adjusting to my new glasses.
Me: The view is so weird. I’ve never had bifocals before.
Austin: My mom says it’s weird too. She says it’s still weird sometimes when she looks down.
Me: Oh great. I like looking down on people. I’ll never adjust.

Driving Over Kids

In the parking lot after seeing a local children's play. Kids were walking through the lot, a car hesitated before us.

Austin: You can drive over them. They’re little kids. Even in that Prius, you can make it over them.

Pancakes vs. Waffles

So my friend posted the above meme, but I didn't feel I should share it because it was too racy. But I did show Austin.

If the print is too small, this is what he said: I prefers pancakes because they’re smooth and natural. I especially likes the thin ones.... SMH. 

So then ...

Me: X liked your comment. 

Austin: Oh. Well, good for her.
Me: I thought she’d think it was funny. I wouldn’t have posted it for my friends in general, because most of them wouldn’t think it was funny.
Austin: They probably wouldn’t have liked the original joke.
Me: I married the original joke.

Chocolate

Austin says we're running low on chocolate.

Chocolate chips count in our stash.

The Machines Are Taking Over

While at work, I was reading the description of a Smart Management Module. It caused me some concern, so I brought the specs home to my husband.

Me: Isn't this a sign of the apocalypse? Machines taking over the world?

An App For That

Austin: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want to stop spending money. It’s been like water slipping through my fingers. I wish my iPad would zap me every time I spend money.
Austin: There’s an app for that.

Repaired Button

I gave Austin his folded up shirt with the repaired button.
Austin: Oh! You didn’t have to do that.
Me: You said you were putting it by my sewing things in the hopes I would sew it for you!
Austin: And you said you weren’t going to because I hadn’t shaved my beard.
Me: You knew I was going to sew it.
Austin: I take your threats very seriously. You usually follow through on your threats.
Me: I say I’m going to throw you out all the time and you still live here.
Austin: That’s true. Thank you.

Vegetable Soup

I decided I wanted to make vegetable soup and added carrots and potatoes to the grocery list.
Austin, going through the cupboards: We have canned new potatoes. If you wanted to make a small batch, you could use these instead of buying a bag.
Me: But what about carrots? I need carrots for soup.
Austin: I know. I’m just trying to avoid buying a big bag of potatoes so you can use one or two. And canned potatoes are already peeled.
Me: I wonder if they make canned Austin, so you can already be peeled.
Austin: Every day I wake up and see you, I feel like I’m being flayed alive.
Me: Then I’m doing my job.

Take Him, He's Free

Me: Mom says there was absolutely no mail today.
Austin: What about female?

Cookies

Austin pulled out the package of fake-bakes.
Me: What, more?
Austin: I’m in the mood for chocolate.
Me: We’ve had two truffles. We’ve got two Vosges bars, you’ve got Andes mints.
Austin: I want chocolate chip cookies.
Me: There’s no helping you.
Austin: Those cookies aren’t going to eat themselves.
Me: You don’t know that. They might be cannibals.
Austin: I don’t want to let them sit long enough to find out.

Driving

There was a car in the middle of the intersection, waiting to turn left.
Austin: Come on, car. Turn already.
Me: We’ve got a red light.
Austin: It’s just a light. It’s not really stopping me. The car blocking the intersection is stopping me.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

I know some of you really get into Valentine's Day and celebrate it with much chocolate and romance, but it's just another day to me and the hubs.

Me: When I was taking a shower just now, I noticed my toothbrush wasn’t in the holder. It was still on the ledge of the shower. But I clearly remember brushing my teeth this morning. [Hesitation]. I must have used your toothbrush this morning.
Austin, audible groan.
Me: I know it upsets you and I apologize, but I think it’s important that you and I keep open honest pathways of communication.
Austin: It’s all right. Sometimes I use your toothbrush to brush my butt.

I Don't Like Chicken Salad

Me, looking through cupboards: I’m still hungry.
Austin: I still have some of that chicken salad that I made last night.
Me: Why are you telling me?
Austin: I wasn’t telling you. I was telling the cat. You just happen to be here.

More GPS fun

As we got closer to home from Cambridge.
Me: We can either go up SR 62, or we can go the back way up X road.
Austin: I don’t want choices. I just want a woman’s voice to tell me what to do.
Me: You married the perfect woman for that.

GPS

On our way home from our Cambridge (a small town in Ohio) adventure, we reached SR 586. To save data, I turned off the GPS.
Me: I know the way from here.
Austin: How many miles?
Me: Screw you.
Austin: Siri would know.

We're Both Going to Hell

Me: Did I tell you that X is expecting a grandbaby?
Austin: Yeah.
Me: The baby is due in July. She doesn't think she'll make it that long.

Austin: She's in the fourth stage of renal failure?

Me: Right. She's in a lot of pain from her spinal injury, so she doesn't want to do dialysis. I told her if she thought it wouldn’t be too much trouble, she could do dialysis until the baby’s born, so she could see it.
Austin: Oh yeah, great idea. Then she can feed on her grandbaby’s soul.
I laughed and put a hand to my cheek.
Austin: Don’t put that on Facebook.

Me: I'll wait until after she dies.

We're both going to hell.

Thank You For Thinking of Me

Austin: What did your mother say when she was hugging you?
Me: She said, “Thank you for thinking of me.”
Austin: She wouldn’t make such a big deal about it if you knew how often you think of her.
Me, smirking a little.
Austin: Now, if you knew what you were thinking of her, that would be a different story.

Austin: What did your mother say when she was hugging you?
Me: She said, “Thank you for thinking of me.”
Austin: She wouldn’t make such a big deal about it if you knew how often you think of her.
Me, smirking a little.
Austin: Now, if you knew what you were thinking of her, that would be a different story.

Out of the Way

Me: Thank you for putting away the groceries. I appreciate that. And you did it so quickly.
Austin: Well, I knew you’d want me to be out of your way while you were making spaghetti sauce.
Me: As a general fact, I want you out of my way.

TMI

My co-workers were over sharing about another co-worker going to a different bathroom for “privacy.”
Me: I don’t want to know things like that.
Austin: Whenever my co-workers tell me stuff like that, I tell them I don’t do things like that. It’s dirty. I only go in there to look in the mirrors. I don’t even know what those porcelain things are.

The Serial Murderer Strikes Again

I know I've mentioned this before, however...

At work, talking about matching clothes and I mentioned that serial murderers only kill people with matching bra & panties and that I didn’t have to worry about it, because my bra and panties never match.
Me, telling Austin: They said that was TMI. How is X’s bowel movement appropriate work chatter, but my serial murderer bra and panties never match gag is TMI?
Austin: It’s not. Now, if you’d said your bra and panties start out matching, but by the end of the day they don’t, because your panties turn brown, that would be TMI. 

My House Loan

Austin, reading spam: My house loan has been approved.
Me: Awesome. You can finally move out and get your own place.

Nipple Assembly

While working, I saw Nipple Assembly under a bill of materials. I couldn’t help it. I had to look it up.

This is not what I expected.

Dead Dog

Whenever Cassie lies on the floor unmoving, we tease her about being a dead dog. They dog is not dead.

Me: Dead dog. We’ve got a dead dog on the floor. What are we going to do with a dead dog?
Austin: Bury her.
Me: No. She’s too heavy. We’ll have to let her sit there and turn to carrion. Then maybe we’ll be able to lift her.
Austin: I’ve got a better idea. We call the shelter, tell them we’re interested in a new model. We want to take advantage of their haul away program. If they refuse, we’ll tell them Home Depot has one. “Yes, we want a new dog. I want chrome, but the Mrs. prefers white.” Then we demand free removal and delivery.

Love

Me: Have I told you that I love you today?
Austin: You haven’t quantified it.
Me: I love you enough to admit it in front of other people.
Austin: No you don’t.
Me: I say it in front of Mom all the time.
Austin: Yeah, but we’re always trying to make her sick when we do that.

February

Austin: I like it when you correct me.
I laughed.
Austin: No, really. I do. Like pronouncing February and often.
Me: Mhmmm.
Austin: I don’t like it when you treat your opinion like fact and you tell me you're right and I’m wrong.
Me, still skeptical.
Austin: I really like it when you’re wrong in my head. 

By the way, it's pronounced Feb-Ru-ary

  and Off-en.