Bifocals

Adjusting to my new glasses.
Me: The view is so weird. I’ve never had bifocals before.
Austin: My mom says it’s weird too. She says it’s still weird sometimes when she looks down.
Me: Oh great. I like looking down on people. I’ll never adjust.

Macadamia Nuts

Me: I didn’t realize macadamia nuts are so expensive. *Sigh, pause, groan* Well, macadamias are not a common nut.
Austin: Neither are you.

Ichabod Crane on Drugs

Austin: I was debating about shaving my beard. But when I look at pictures of myself from the last time I did that, I looked like Ichabod Crane on drugs.

What a Waste

Austin: The last time I made chicken salad, I thought it would be really good. But it was only okay.
Me: What did you do this last time that made it different?
Austin: I used pistachios in it.
Me: Oh. What a waste.
Austin: I thought you didn’t like chicken salad.
Me: I don’t. A perfect waste of pistachios. Come to that, perfect waste of chicken.
Austin, scowling: Well, I think that adding chicken to mayonnaise is a perfect waste. I love mayo. I like dipping my whole hand into it. In fact, I think people should take an ice cream spade to scoop it out.

Pistachios

Austin, eating pistachios: This one is empty (after cracking open the shell). This one is empty too.
Me: Wuss.
Austin: What?
Me: No nuts.

Ah-choo!

Austin sneezed.
Me: Bless you.
Austin: Agh! It burns, it burns!

Lemon Reamer

Austin, using a lemon reamer to juice a lemon: If stabbing a human is anything like stabbing a lemon, it’s very satisfying.
I smirked.
Austin: And it smells good too.

In case you don’t know what a reamer is.

More Home Working

Austin has his laptop computer set up in his room, has made up a little work space all for himself.
Me, coming in to wish him a good morning and offer him some coffee: Ahhh! Cassie looks so cute!
Austin: Yeah, she's completely worthless. Doesn't help out at all. Useless co-workers.

Working from Home

With Austin working from home, I get to see how much work he actually does. His shift is 7:00-3:30. Walking into the kitchen at 7:30.
Me: Shouldn’t you be working?
Austin: I’m making some coffee.
Me: Mhmm.
Austin: I’m also worried about the new work environment. I’m worried that I might have a sexual harassment suit on my hands if this keeps up.
Me: With who? I haven’t bothered you once today.
Austin: Cassie (the dog). I’m constantly touching her, rubbing her, playing with her.
Me: You’re mistaken if you think that’s unwanted attention.
Austin: I force her to run around naked! If that’s not sexual harassment, I don’t know what is.

Upgrading iPhones

Austin & upgraded out cellphones. Foolishly, Austin immediately turned in his old cell phone, but we didn't know when we got out new phones that they didn't have SIM cards with them. A week, Austin went without a phone. Me, I turned my phone in after the new one was working.

 

Me: I miss being able to text you.
Austin: I was going to text you today, but I couldn’t.
Me: What were you going to text?
Austin: I don’t remember.
Me: Must not have been important.
Austin: If it were important, I wouldn’t text you.

Fine, &^%#

Austin was trying to get around me to the sink.
Austin: Excuse me.
Me: There’s no excuse for you.
Austin: Fine. You’re in my way, @#$#.

Zombie Apocalypse

Austin, watching Kingdom (a Korean zombie show): Oh, they’re all alive. Even though they’re in impossibly freezing water. I’m so glad.
Me: Are you complaining about the accuracy of a show again? A show about zombies? Are we going to hear about this again?
Austin: Hey, we’re experiencing a pandemic right now. I’m prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I'm gonna save your life just so I can say I told you so. You’re so going to owe me. We’ll see who’s arguing about zombie realism then.

Corona Virus Brings Out the Love

Austin is working from home for at least a week due to the corona virus. I got out of the shower, dripping wet, wrapped in a towel.
Austin: That’s not work appropriate attire.

License Renewal

I had to get my license renewed this morning and I was telling Austin about taking the eye portion of the exam.
Me: He asked me to tell him when I saw the lights, but he’s like, right side, and I did it, and he’s saying middle and I’m doing it and seeing the lights at the same time. So I waved my hands around, to let him know, then after I read the line, then I told him I saw them. But waving my hands around was pretty normal.
Austin: I don’t know why you think anything you do is normal. You aren’t normal. You’re the kind of person that it takes a while to adjust to.

Travel Time

Austin: When do we have to leave?
Me: Probably around 11:00 if we’re going to get there by 12:00. It’s about an hour. I’m not sure exactly, but about an hour.
Austin: Hey Google, how long does it take to get to Zanesville from here?
Google: It takes 48 minutes to get to Zanesville with light traffic.
Me: We still want to leave by at least 11:00. We have to pick up Mom.
Austin: And it said with light traffic. And Google told me it takes 47 minutes to get to the Newark BMV from here, so it’s not always accurate.
Me: Hey Google, how long does it take to get to the Newark BMV from here?
Google: With light traffic, it takes 26 minutes to get to the Newark BMV.
Austin, mouth open: That’s not what she said before.
Me: Mhmm.
Austin: Or maybe she’s just like every other woman and her answer changes every time you ask her a question.

Thermometer

Austin: The thermometer came off of the tree last night and I couldn’t see the nail to hang it back up. So I just put it on the porch.
Me: I’ll hang it back up.
Austin: I’m not sure we need to. I mean, we can ask Google or Siri for the weather. I’m not even sure it works.
Me: It works a little.
Austin: Water gets into it and freezes and there’s that moss that’s grown in it. Actually I kind of like the moss. It gives it personality. I like stuff like that, moss, fungus...
Me: Of course. Because you’re a fungi. 

Austin's Hometown

Driving past Frazeysburg today.
Me: Does it feel like home?
Austin: No. Usually people hang out of their cars waving hankies at me and saying all hail the king. But not today.

Smart Assistants

Austin: Hey Siri, tell me something enlightening.
Siri: No, I don’t see any storms in the area.

Beer vs. Whine

Austin was stomping around, being sulky.

First, he didn't have the right cheese. Then he messed up dinner.

Austin: I want to go buy beer. I’ve not been in a wine mood lately.
Me: Really?

Hot Oven

Me, while baking coconut bars: This oven turns me on, but it will never be as hot as you.
So then Austin strikes a pose.
Me: I can’t handle the oven and you at the same time.

Adulting

Austin and I went out with a pair of his friends, Loni and Megen. We had a really nice afternoon, eating brunch together, then going to their house to play party games. I lost every game, no surprise.

Austin: You know, I had a really great time.

Me: Me too.

Austin: I'm settling into being an adult. Being an adult isn't so bad. It's kind of nice.

I've been an adult for a long time.

I reached over, patted his hand.

Me: Wait.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Austin: We need to add chocolate chip cookies to the grocery list so we can get more coupons from Kroger.
Me: We haven’t gotten any chocolate chip cookie coupons from Kroger in a while.
Austin: We can’t give up. We have to keep trying.

Hey Google

Austin: Hey Google, play romantic music.
Google gives the same spiel about trying Google music free for thirty days, blah, blah blah, then this sound, very much like bagpipes starts wheezing out of the speaker, but it has an Indian sound to it. Then a flute or pipe with a Celtic sort of sound. Then a man and a woman whining in a Middle Eastern tongue join in.
Austin: Hey Google, stop.

God Has a Sense of Humor

 I don't believe in karma, but for all the fools out there blowing Coronavirus out of proportion...


Bad Year For Lyme Disease

I Have No Reason

Austin: Do you want some of this Symphony bar?
Me: I brought it for you to make you feel better.
Austin: It would make me feel better if you would eat some of it with me.
Me: Then I have no reason—
Austin: Stop there. You don’t have to say anything else.

Please Squeeze

Me, hugging Austin: I just want to squeeze you.
Austin: At first I thought you said please, but then I thought it better of it.

The Wrong Finger

Me, holding up my hand: I burned my finger while making caramel.
Austin, taking my palm: Oh no! I see it. It looks awful. I’ll kiss it, make it feel better.
Me: You’re kissing the wrong finger.

Inaccurate Cartoons

Austin, while watching Netflix’s Green Eggs and Ham: Cold air balloons? A cold air balloon makes no sense.
Me: This reminds me of the time that you complained that Scooby Doo is inaccurate.

Controllers

Austin was playing on his Occulus and mentioned how sweaty the controllers are and he might need to put on the wrist straps.
Austin: I wouldn’t want these controllers to accidentally fly out of my hands and hit some unsuspecting spectator watching me while I’m playing.
Me: It wouldn’t be an accident.
Austin: I would never intentionally throw these controllers at someone.
Me: Yes you would.
Austin: These controllers are too expensive.

Nancy Drew

Austin & I were watching Nancy Drew. A friend recommended it to us, said if we like Riverdale, we'd like this.

So...

Austin: Wow, sex already.
Me: It’s just like Riverdale.
Austin: They didn’t have sex this fast in Riverdale. We haven’t watched ten minutes. They make it like kids are just having sex all the time.
Me: Kids do.
Austin: Not when I was in school.
Me: See, there is a group over here that has sex all the time and trade partners all the time. Then there’s a group over here that you and I are in--

Austin started laughing so loudly, I couldn't finish my sentence. 

Dyed Socks

Austin dyed a whole mountain of socks. After the dye job was complete, he had them all nicely paired up.
Me: What are these two over here?
Austin: I miscounted.