Quinoa

Austin: I might need your help with the quinoa.

Me: Boil water, add half a cup of quinoa, bring to a simmer and cover for 20 minutes.

Austin: Oh. I think I can handle that.

Me: If you want to dress is up a bit, you can add chicken stock and dill.

Austin: Whoa, now you're getting fancy with me. I may not be able to remember that.

Me: Simmer for 20 minutes.

Austin: You're so much smarter than me, remembering stuff like that.

Me: It's on the back of the package.

Uber

Austin: I've decided I'm going to become an Uber driver. I'm going to play classical music in my car, wear a tuxedo, serenade customers with my tenor solos, wow them with my violin skills, leave an Andes mint on the seats. Don't you think that would be nice?

Me: It's a good thing you've got a car, because you're going to be homeless if you do that.

Supermarket Sweep

In case anyone forgot, Austin & I live in the middle of nowhere. You can drive 10 miles in any direction and still be nowhere. A couple of years ago, our grocery store shut down. They wanted $3.00 for iceburg lettuce and $5.00 for canned peas. Their closure is a mystery to one and all.

Nevertheless, driving past their lot, sprigs of grass overwhelming the cracked asphalt, I saw two dozen cars corralled.

Me: What in the world are all those cars doing gathered at the abandoned grocery store?

Austin: It's the location of the new Supermarket Sweep. I'm going to call Guy Fieri, tell him to get down here quick. Guy's Grocery Games vs. David Ruprecht, middle of nowhere, Ohio.

The Man You've Become

Me: I love the man you've become. You used to be self-deprecating and now you're confident.

Austin: Well, yeah. But I used to think I had potential. Now I know I don't.

Walking Along

Austin and I were walking along.

Austin: Hey, watch that poop.

Rachel: I see it!

Austin: Well, if I didn’t pointed out and you stepped in it, then you’d be mad at me.

Me: Well, yeah.

Austin: So I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Been that way since the day we got married.

Me: The day we met.

Shower

Me: I’m debating about taking a shower.

Austin: It’s still raining, if you want to go outside.

Me: The neighbors might object to me standing outside naked with shampoo in my hair.

Held Over

Me: Sorry I’m late, two minutes before I was supposed to leave, I got a problem. It was AWS, so it should have been straight-forward, but he took his computer out of the dock and lost internet connection, lost power. He was panicking for a minute. I called him and got him calmed down, but it took a minute.

Austin: Wow.

Me: He was 27, just a kid. He’s not used problems. It’s like, chill ax.

Austin: Those tests are expensive. He probably was scared he was going to be out the fees.

Me: Yeah, that’s probably rent.

Austin: Groceries.

Me: Those tests cost more than groceries.

Austin: Not when you’re 27. He’s got a girlfriend to take care of. He’s buying steaks. He’s got the breakfast spread. Expensive wine. Bacon.

Me: You’re right. And he’s not buying that spinach on sale. He probably shops at Kroger.

Austin: Worse, Giant Eagle!

Sausage & Quinoa

A regular dinner entree Austin & I make is kielbasa, quinoa, sweet potatoes and yellow squash.

Austin: I added a special ingredient to the sausage and quinoa tonight.

Me: Was it love?

Austin: No, it was pepper.

Sweet Potatoes

Austin, making dinner: There’s one sweet potato left, but it’s kind of scary. It’s grown feelers. They’re like arms. It reach out and grabbed me. I had to fight to get the other potatoes out. It screamed and scream. I almost had to knife him.

Going to Work

Complaining about “going” to work this morning.

Me: Thank you for listening to me when I’m being a whiney baby.

Austin: That’s okay. That’s what I’m here for.

Me: That’s what I say to the test takers.

Austin: You’d do the same for me.

Me: You really think so?

Austin: Sure.

Me: I picture myself more like a hard *&^

Austin, reaching around and pinching: Nah.

Me: Thanks.

Poop

At 8:50 a.m., Cassie comes down and alerts me that she needs to go out. I put on a trench coat and take her out. At 9:00, my husband comes down the steps.

Me: You missed it. I just took Cassie out. She pooped and everything.

Austin, to the dog: You pooped! What a good dog!

Me: She’s already been given a treat.

Austin, looking at the coat: Are you cold?

Me: No, I didn’t want to get dressed and I also didn’t want to terrify the neighbors with in my pj’s, so I grabbed the trench coat.

Austin: I think you’re lying. I think you’ve become a crack detective who solves intricate murder plots.

Me: Really too bad you didn’t come down a few minutes earlier, because you and Cassie are both full of poop.

Yams

Austin, looking at the grocery list: What does that say?

Me: Yams.

Austin: Yams? Like sweet potatoes?

Me: Yes.

Austin: You and your mom and your wild names for things.

Me: You’re lucky I don’t hit you with my shoe.

Puff Pastry

While grocery shopping, Austin was scanning the grocery list.

Austin: Where do I find puff pastry?

Me: It’s in the dessert freezer section. When hot dogs are behind you, puff pastry is to the left.

Austin: I never let hot dogs get behind me. I *&^&*# [just imagine what he said here]

Me: You have the Kroger app. You can find the puff pastry all by yourself.

Austin: I only use it when you’re around to look impressive. When you’re not around, I just wander around helplessly.

Me: I have nothing to do with your helplessness. Your helplessness is boundless.

Fantasy

I was reading off the heights of the characters in Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.

"Nie MingJue 191 (6’3)

Lan XiChen 188 (6’2)

Lan WangJi 188 (6’2)

Wei WuXian 186 (6’1)

Jin ZiXuan 185 (6’1)

Jiang WanYin 185 (6’1)

Xiao XingChen 185 (6’1)

Wen QiongLin 183 (6’0)

Mo XuanYu 180 (5’11)

Nie HuaiSang 172 (5’8)

Jin GuangYao 170 (5’7)"

Austin: Well, that’s obviously a fantasy written by a woman.

FYI, Chinese men have an average height of 5’6”.

Umbrella Academy

While watching Umbrella Academy, one of the character talks about leaving her husband after ten years.
Austin: Don’t leave me after ten years.
Me: We’ve already been together ten years. That ship has sailed.
Austin: I mean after ten years of marriage.
Me: Hey Siri, set a reminder.

Guppy

The new cat was whining.

Me: Hey, Guppy.

Austin: What?

Me: I’m talking to the cat.

Austin: Oh. I thought you said Bubby.

Me: We might have to pick out a different name for her.

Austin: Nah. It’s an excuse for me to have more selective hearing. I can just say I thought you were talking to the cat.

Happy Holidays

Austin had a leftover breadstick in the oven. Austin moved it so he could start dinner.

Me: You haven’t eaten that yet?

Austin: I’m saving it for a special occasion.

Me: You save it long enough and you’ll have something green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Legend of Korra

 I went to the living room, turned on the 50” big screen TV and switched on Netflix. I had a particular hankering to see Lan WangJi refuse the loquat Wei WuXian throws at him. I love the expression Wang LiBo makes in that particular scene.

Me, my eyes large: Austin! Legend of Korra is on Netflix.

I immediately switch it on.

Austin: And just like that, you’re over Untamed.

Me: Dream on.

Chubbikins

We have a new cat. As soon as her kittens are weaned, we're going to have her spayed.

Me, feeding the cats again: Guppy puts away the food.

Austin: She was whining for me to feed her last night, but I didn’t.

Me: She just had kittens. Cats need a lot of food to recover from that. If we feed her extra, it’s okay. I don’t want her to become a chubbikins, but she’s really skinny right now.

Austin: Well, she will become a chubbikins. After cats get fixed, they plump up.

Me: What? Because she’s not going to be looking for a man anymore, she’s going to let herself go and fill the void with food?

Sandalwood

Me, still obsessing over Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: The first time I read it, I thought Lan WangJi wore sandalwood because Wei WuXian liked sandalwood. They reference that he buys a sandalwood box, which implies he likes sandalwood. But now that I’m rereading it, I see that the punishment boards the GusuLan Sect uses to punish their disciples is sandalwood, so it’s like a vicious circle. Wei WuXian gets punished all the time, associates GusuLan Sect with the fragrance, associates Lan WangJi with the fragrance, likes the fragrance, Lan WangJi wears it to please Wei WuXian.
Austin: I have sandalwood fragrance, if you want to smell it.
He lathers himself with it. It has a warm, somewhat smokey smell to it.
Me: It’s nice.
Austin: You know what I associate it with? Urinal cakes.

Ashes

Austin: I was thinking, when you die, I could take your ashes to China and scatter them where Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi used to walk.
Me: They're fictional characters. They didn't walk anywhere. The places in the novel are fictional.
Austin: I could take you to Scotland and scatter your ashes there, so Emun Elliott can walk over your grave.
Me: I think he lives in London now.
Austin: You want me to take you to London?
Me: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Austin: I could get your ashes, pack them up in an urn, scatter your ashes anywhere you dream of.
Me: You'd never get me past TSA.

The Paradise

Austin: You haven't mentioned Emun Elliott for a while.
Me: You want me to mention Emun Elliott?
Austin: I just noticed that you hadn't.
Me, still reading Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (again): I've had other things on my mind.
(I've also watched the first two seasons of Mo Dao Zu Shi, an anime--I hate anime.)
Austin: I was just thinking we could watch The Paradise.
Me: Are you all right?
Austin: Desperate times.

Have I...

Me: Have I told you enough today that I love you?
Austin, coming in from the other room: Oh, you’re talking to the dog.


Not my dog, a friend's dog.

Also, clearly not my house. Far too clean.

Yes, I'm still going on about Untamed...

Though I'm only posting a week's worth of Untamed obsessing, I in fact got tangled in this thing a month ago and my poor heart is still suffering. Suffer with me.

I’m reading Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation for the third time. I came to a scene Wei WuXian has Lan WangJi lift him onto the donkey.

Me: If I asked you, would you take me by the hips and lift me onto a donkey?

Austin: Huh?

Me: I just finished the scene and Wei WuXian can by such a &*@#, but it’s such a cute scene and it gets me feeling all lovey-dovey. Would you lift me onto a donkey like that?

Austin: Well, I’d lift you onto a donkey if you needed help, but I’d kneel down and do the cup thing with my hands and boost you up. I wouldn’t lift you by the hips. I’m afraid I’d drop you and you’d crash into me and we’d both end up on the ground looking like idiots.

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (Untamed Again)

If you happen to become so obsessed with Untamed that you wanted to read the novel it's based on, the English translation can be found at this web address:

https://exiledrebelsscanlations.com/novels/grandmaster-of-demonic-cultivation

Austin: I'm going to break now.

Me: I'm stuck on a problem.

Austin: You're not going to break with me?!?!

Me: We're married, we live together, we see each other every single day. It's not the end of the world if we don't take breaks together.

Austin: Yeah, but I smoke pot in my spare time and you have your book.

Said book cover:

Untamed Continued

Did I mention that I'm totally obsessed with Untamed now?

In the middle of this binge, sitting at the local cafe, Austin started to blow on the straw that was nestled in his caramel mocha macchiato.

Me: What are you doing?

Austin, playing more: I'm trying to control you. Maybe I need a blade of grass.

Again, I don't own these right. Taking pictures of the TV.

Untamed

Austin started watching this Chinese TV series, Untamed, on Netflix. Like seriously, Austin loves anime and Asian shows, but I rarely take much interest. Why I paid any attention at all is beyond me.

Me, noticing a gaze between Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian: Are these two guys gay?

Not a farfetched idea. A lot of our friends are gay and we watch a lot of shows geared toward that audience.

Austin: I don't know.

I didn't think much of it. Several episodes later, a shot of Lan WangJi with an umbrella, pan shot of him.

Me: Oh my god! They are so gay. How can you not see that?

Austin: You're being melodramatic.

Having watched a few episodes, I become engrossed and begin watching on my own.

Me: Holy Jesus, Austin! It says it on the main page!

If you can't read that, it says, "In a magical world of inter-clan rivalry, two soulmates face treacherous schemes and uncover a dark mystery linked to tragic events."

I don't own the copyright to either of these images. I literally took pictures of the TV screen.

Ice Cream Scoop

Remember a few weeks ago when I found a random scoop of ice cream returned to the container?

 

Me, finding a scoop of ice cream in the container: Look, I’ve talked to you about this before.

Austin: I’m not a physics instructor. I don’t know what happens inside the package.

 

 

On a Diet