Chocolate

Austin: This house is seriously lacking in the chocolate area.
Me: There’s mini-chocolate chips.
Austin: Those are for cooking.
And before I can suggest the milk chocolate chips.
Austin: And I don’t want to open a new bag of chips either. And I don’t want to break into the Kit-Kat’s.
Me: We bought that bag just for you.
Austin: I know, but I’m trying to wait for Halloween.
Me: We’ve got $20 of candy for Halloween hidden away. The Kit-Kats were just for you. I charged them to you!
Austin: It’s not even October yet.
Me: Five hours!!!!

The 80's

Austin: My coworker said it’s supposed to snow next week. But I think he was just trying to get a rise out of everyone. I looked at the forecast and it said it’s supposed to get up to the 80’s next week.

Me: Oh good.

Austin: Not ‘oh good.’ I don’t like the 80’s.

Me: Don’t dog the 80’s. The 80’s were a good decade.

Austin: That’s because I was born in it.

Thirteen Cents

Austin has a passing ambition to get me into video games. But aside from trivia games, I just don't get into it.

So Austin bought a game where we go around collecting watermelon slices. I like watermelon and the goal was pretty straightforward. He was very optimistic about my opinion.

Me, after playing the game: You wasted your money on that one.

Austin: It was 13¢

Me: You wasted 13¢

D&D Chocolate

Austin: I’m trying to decide what kind of treasure to give to the characters. I always give too much or too little.

Me: It's never just right, Goldilocks? You know it doesn't matter, right?

Austin: Of course it matters!

Me: It's not real treasure. If you gave them chocolate, that would matter.

Austin: There is chocolate in Dungeons & Dragons. Magical gnomes make chocolate...

Me: Your treasure has no value. It's symbolic treasure.

Austin: They get points toward the game. I also try to make the treasure go along with the theme of the game.
Me: So if I were a monster in Dungeons & Dragons, they'd get chocolate for defeating me?

Austin: If you were a monster in D&D, there’d be no treasure, because you’d kill them all.

Austin's Japanese Steakhouse

Austin: I’m going to have my own Japanese steakhouse at our house. I’m going to pull out the stove and put stools around it. Then I’ll take a machete and carve up steaks. I’ve been practicing my onion volcano. And then we’ll do an egg toss.

Me: Didn’t you catch the eggs the last time we went?

Austin: I always catch the eggs. Whenever we’re going to a Japanese steakhouse, I practice all morning. I toss Goldfish to practice. It’s just like catching the scrambled eggs.

Me: Seven years married, thirteen years together.

Austin: What?

Me: Your family thought getting you a girl would fix you.

Hot Tea

Austin: I’m going to make a cup of hot tea. Would you like one?

Me: I don’t want anything hot.

Austin, pressing a hand to his chest, a pronounced frown on his face.

Me: That’s why I married you.

Paint Balls

Seeing a sign for paint balling.

Me: I’ve never understood paint balling. Who would really want to do that with their spare time.

Austin: Come on, you’ve never wanted to shoot a member of your family?

Me: Of course. My family would never go paint balling.

Tiny Creatures

Austin was watching this show Tiny Creatures on Netflix and I was only half-watching. First the kangaroo rat takes on a rattle snake, then a gila monster. I look up and cock my head.

Austin: Next, it's going to solve a murder.

Fake Crying

 I battle cholesterol issues, so I avoid fats. My tolerance for grease is very low.

Austin: KFC sounds so good right now.

Me: I can't do fried food anymore. Just thinking about it makes my stomach feel like it has a lead weight in it.

Austin, whining: This is me fake crying like your mom.

Mother-in-law-icide

 Me, Mom & Austin were going to lunch together. Austin parked very near the line.

Me: Look! Because of how you parked, Mom has to walk in the street.

Austin: That was my plan.

My mother starts fake-crying from the backseat.

Metal Straws

On our way to lunch, picking up Mom.

Me: I forgot our straws.

Austin: We can just use the plastic ones they give us.

Me, twitching my lips, knowing I've become a full-on hippy: Do you want to go home and get them?

Austin: Yeah.

As Mom is walking to the car, Austin: Quick, before she gets in.

Legend of Korra Finale

Austin & I were watching the season finale of the final season of Legend of Korra. In case there's someone out there who hasn't watched Legend of Korra and actually wants to, I'll be vague.
Austin, regarding the last scene: I guess that is a little suggestive.
Me: A little!?!?!
Then I pause.
Me: Well, you missed that Untamed was about a couple of gay guys. I guess I’ll allow it.

Still dreaming...

 I admit to a certain amount of discomfort over my latest infatuation. I mean, he's 23. I'm twice his age.

In my defense, I'm married to this:

I have to fantasize about this:

Strictly speaking, if I didn't have an active fantasy life, I would dig a tunnel to the fireworks factory that's a few miles from my house and blame a natural disaster for the ensuing catastrophe.

BTW, I don't own the rights to the Wang Yi Bo photo, just stole it off FB.

Asami's Superpower

 Austin: Asami's superpower is perfect car hair.

Mako

Austin: Those eyebrows aren't natural. I've never seen eyebrows like that.

Me: Learn to pluck, Mako.

Meelo

While watching Legend of Korra, season one.

Austin: I was worried about air benders, but now we’ve got Meelo. He’s obviously a lady’s man. There’s going to be two countries of air benders.

Netflix Profile

Austin put on Untamed on my profile.
Me: Don’t be messing with my profile. Switch over to your own profile.
Austin: I’m going to rename it and change the profile picture.
Me: The windows are wide open. Don’t make me swear at you.

Stay Up

Austin wanted me to stay up watching Legend of Korra with him, but I'm over 40. I go to bed at 9:00. 

Me: I’m sorry, but I’m going to bed.
Austin throwing a fit.
Me: I’m sorry. This isn’t Untamed. I’m not willing to lose sleep over it.
Austin: If I put on Untamed, would you stay up with me?

Sleep Inn

There was zero chance I'd agree to camping, but after canoeing, I was more exhausted than expected. I pointed to a hotel across from us.

Me: It's probably not too expensive to stay there. Bed, shower, TV, wifi. Might be nice.

Austin: I don’t know. We’d have to get your mom to feed the cats and the dog. She’d leave a mound of food for the cats and there’d be open Chinese take-out containers on the floor for the dog.

 

 

Exhausted

After getting up early, driving an hour and a half to the river, spending 2-2 1/2 hours canoeing down a river, I didn’t feel like driving the hour and a half home.

Austin: It’s fine. I’ll drive home.

We stopped at a restaurant to eat before hitting the road.

Austin, to the waitress: Can I see the drink menu?

Canoeing Innuendo

After canoeing, even though we took a leisurely two and a half hours for a 5-mile trip, when I tried to stand up, my legs immediately gave out.

Me: I can't believe I'm having this much trouble walking. This never happens after sex.

Austin: It was the paddling.

Nose Flute

While watching the Legend of Korra, a whole bunch of people are suddenly transforming into air benders. Korra and the gang are trying to get them to come with them to train as air benders.

Austin: If you suddenly discovered you were a bending prodigy, would you give up everything, your house, your family, your job, to go study bending?

Me: No. [Thinking for a minute] I might sacrifice everything for something else, for being a musical prodigy--

Austin: So if you were a nose flute prodigy--

Me: Also no.

Teenagers in Water

Some teenagers were hanging out at the edge of the river, their kayaks idling.
Teenager 1: I love communing with nature.
Teenager 2: I like exploring. I don’t understand people who stay in the same place. Staying in the same place as your parents. Never going beyond what you know. You have to open your mind to possibilities and exploring.
Teenager 1: Yeah, like even if you move out of your parents’ house, you still stay in the same town. Or if your parents move, you move to the same place where they moved. Never moving away and being your own person. I couldn't do it.
After Austin & I were somewhere up the river and out of earshot of the teens.
Me: Is there anything we can do about teenagers besides waiting for them to grow up and grow out of it? I mean, besides killing them?

Ellen Page and Ozzy Osbourne

 Austin is convinced Ellen Page looks like Ozzy Osborne.

Austin: It’s the jawline.

Me: If you say so, Bubby.

Closed Captioned for those of us who can't understand Chinese

I've moved to the next stage of my Untamed obsession. I've been watching almost every video I can find on the Untamed. This is a gem for a different reason. View this link with English subtitles while also listening to the hostess speak. 

I can help but laugh at the closed-captions rewrites of the names... and pretty much everything else.

 https://youtu.be/WOZXz-IM5jE

 

If you don't want to watch for yourself, highlight below for the best captions.

 

JinGuangYao, JinGuangShan, Jin XiYuan, Nie HuaiSang, Wei WuXian and Lan XiChen

neophytes, Hmong Y'all, Jean Valjean, Boston, he won't yell, Julio, wind clan, Tim Wong Y'all, Jesus is his heir, ninja, ammonia, way woosh yellow, nearby son, so do you want y'all, Steve-O wants y'all, teomile, G-miles, Gi Yahoo, lassie Chen, Jiwon Yacht, wilson lamonte

I missed some, but really, I fall on the floor when I read Jesus is his heir. Christianity in China, y'all.

 

Do You Love Me As Much As...

 Me: Have I told you today that I love you?

Austin: Do you love me as much as Lan WangJi loves Wei WuXian?

Me, thinking that Lan WangJi risked his life saving Wei WuXian multiple times, took 33 whip strikes for standing up for him and continued to love him for 13 years after he died: I don’t love you quite that much, but close.

Roovy Glassware

Me: Oh, groovy glassware. I thought it said roovy glassware. I wasn’t sure what that was.

Austin: You know what groovy glassware is.

Me: Yes I do. I thought it said roovy glassware. I figured it was something to do with That dog and meddling kids.

Chicken Breasts

Discussing the chicken I bought.

Me: I didn’t like the look of any of the breasts, but I figured this one was the best.

Austin: You’re so shallow. You shouldn’t worry about the appearances of things. They're inner beauty is what matters.

Wei WuXian in the Grass

 Austin: The backyard is quite Untamed.

Me, groaning.

Austin: I was just trying to entice you into trimming the weeds. I thought if you were lusting after Wei WuXian, it might make yard work more entertaining for you.

Me: I’m Team Lan WangJi.

Inheritance

While Austin & I were walking, Austin pointed out my shoelace was untied.

Me: I know.

Austin: We can stop so you can tie it. I don’t want you to have an accident.

Me: I would think you’d want it untied so then you’d inherit all the money I’ve squirreled away into my retirement fund.

Austin: You’d just fall. You wouldn’t die. It’d be worth the laugh, but I wouldn’t inherit anything.