Ingenious Solution

 The switch on our lamp fell off and was lost. Austin’s solution:

Toilet Paper

 Austin: I took the last two rolls of toilet paper out of the cupboard. So unless there’s more somewhere else, we’re out.

Me: I would appreciate it if you’d put it on the grocery list.

Austin: I don’t think we should waste it that way. We should use it on our butts. Not on the grocery list.

Me, the look.

Austin: Yes, dear. I’ll write TP on the grocery list.

Over Forty

 For Labor Day Weekend, Austin was sent a bundle of ads. As soon as he opened it, I saw an ad for coins and started chuckling.

Austin: Hearing aids, a walk-in bathtub, wheel chair—Oh no!

Me: You’re over 40 now.

Austin: Shut up!

Jerk Chicken Pizza

 I brought home leftover jerk chicken from the Caribbean restaurant and Austin brought home a whole pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar’s.

Austin: Did you have any of the pizza?

Me: Yes, I had some for breakfast.

Austin: I had some last night before going to bed. I put some jerk chicken on it and a dollop of Greek yogurt, then put it in the air fryer.

Me: How are you still alive?

Austin: Well, I was on the toilet for a long time, but I didn’t &%$#* out any organs I need.

Me: Just your brain then.

Little Shop of Horrors

 Band camp is in full swing.

Me: Sounds like the band is doing‘Little Shop of Horrors” this year.

Austin: That band is a little shop of horrors.

Wasp Bite

 I have a huge wasp bite on my thigh right now, like a 5 inch diameter.

Me: If I didn’t know any better, I would think I developed this awesome muscle on my thigh.

Austin: It’s me. I sneak into your room at night and hold wasps to your thigh to see if they’ll sting you.

Me, eye roll.

Austin: I’m just kidding. I would never hurt you.

Me: And yet you married me.

Mythbusters

 While watching Mythbusters reruns on Pluto,

Austin: I want Jamie and Adam to get back together and bust MAGA myths.