The Day Off

Me: Have I told you how much I love today?
Austin: Yes, you have.
Me: Have I told you how much I'm going to love you tomorrow?
Austin: No, you never do that, because you might not.
Me: Oh no, I will. Especially when I'm lying in bed at eight o'clock and you're already at work.
Austin: Oh, shut up.

Happy Birthday, Uma Thurman!

Listening to Dance Like Uma Thurman by Fallout Boy
Austin: Why would anyone want to dance like Uma Thurman? She doesn't dance in any of her movies.
Me: Pulp Fiction
Austin: Oh . . . Well, then wouldn't you rather dance like John Travolta?
Me: I wouldn't want to do anything like John Travolta.

Kismet

Me: I had half a headache all day yesterday. It's not as bad today, but I still have a headache.
Austin: Take something for it.
Me: Allergy meds make me drowsy. I have to go to work today.
Austin: Aspirin.
Me: Those just upset my stomach.
Austin: Ibuprofen.
Me: Those only work on my cramps. They don't do anything for a headache. It's just a pain I'm stuck with. I've learned to live with it.

At the same time as I say, "Sort of like you," Austin says, "That's how I feel about you."

It's kismet.

"You Look More Like a Man"

Austin: X stopped me in the stairwell yesterday. She said, "Marriage agrees with you. You look better, your clothes are nicer, you've put on weight and it looks good on you. You look more like a man." I quote.

And I laughed and laughed.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Austin has been binge-watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I have periodically watched a minute or two when I've gone to check his pulse.
Austin: This show is really funny. And they've had some amazing people on the show. Like that episode you watched with me, where Bruce Jenner guest starred as Dee and Dennis's dad.
Me: That wasn't Bruce Jenner. That would be ironic if it was. That was the guy from Seventh Heaven.
Austin: Oh. Well, who's Bruce Jenner?
Me: The guy who had a sex change operation.
Austin: Yeah, that would have been ironic.

Trash

So, this morning just before I left for work, I noticed that the trash needed to be taken out.
Austin: I'll take it out.
Me: So that will make four times since you moved in. That's an average of once a year.
Austin: Yeah.
I went to work, worked five hours, came home, with drive time, Austin had 7 hours to take out the trash.
When I got home, the trash was still there. I went up to Austin's room to greet him.
Austin: I didn't get around to taking the trash out. But I'm going to do it.
Me: That's OK, I'll do it.
So Austin's number is still 3.

My Cold

Discussing lunch tomorrow.
Austin: I wouldn't mind going to X, walking up the street, eating lunch with your mom, then going home.
Me: I don't want to walk if it's cold and wet again.
Austin: It wouldn't be bad. We could take the umbrella.
Me: Hello? I have a sore throat from my cold.
Austin: I thought your nagging muscles were just worn out.

More Birthday Fun

So I got Austin tickets to Book of Mormon 4/22, his birthday. I was having such a good time pranking Austin for his birthday, I just realized I wrapped both tickets up for him. I can see it now:

Austin: Two tickets to Book of Mormon! I love it! But it's late notice. I don't know who to bring with me.

I told Austin I realized a way he could abuse me with his birthday gift.
Austin: How?
Me: I can't tell you. It's your birthday gift. But I posted it on FB, so if you do it, I'll post it there.
Austin: Well, if it's a blunt object, I'll hit you with it.

Austin decided to open one of his gifts 4/21, the day before his birthday. I gave him the choice of which gift to open. He discarded the Book of Mormon tickets.

Austin: That's obviously a book.

I hollowed out an actual Book of Mormon and put the tickets inside.

Me: Any guesses what book it is?

He's working on the box with a T-shirt in it.

Me: What book have you wanted so bad that when I found it, I jumped out of my skin and bought it for you a year ago?

Austin: Oh, that's cute!

Holds up Fallout Four tee with “My Wife Thinks I'm S.P.E.C.I.A.L.” on it.

https://www.wish.com/c/5694d5ed2b85551bdead04e4 (if you want to see the shirt).

At Cooper's Hawk, Austin: Can I have your olive? I know you don't like them.

Me: I like olives. I don't like the black ones.

Austin: Racist!

Aftermath

After we got home from Cooper's Hawk and Book of Mormon, having thoroughly celebrated Austin's birthday and our nine year dating anniversary, around midnight.
Austin: Dinner was wonderful. The day was wonderful.
Me: Any day with you is wonderful.
Austin: We'll see about that.
Me: Be careful. The staircase is right behind you.

Happy Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my husband, Austin!!!! Who knew nine years ago that we'd be married and driving each other crazy? Love that man to death. And I do mean, to death.

The Flash

So Austin has gotten me onto watching The Flash and I really like it. He's tried to get me to watch Arrow too, but that show just doesn't grip me.
So Austin starts singing, "Oliver Queen, brrump, Oliver Queen" to the Miser Brothers theme. (If you don't know the song, get on YouTube & look up Snow or Heat Miser.)
Me: It's times like these I need you to remind me why I married you. 

Mornings

Austin came into the kitchen just as I was finishing up my tea. I launched into his arms and hugged him.

Me: I love you so much. You make me so happy.
Austin: You make me pretty happy.
Me: You're lucky this mug is empty.

CAM International

Austin and I discussing CAM International (international grocery store) visit.
Austin: We really need to make a habit of visiting that place. It's close. We were in and out. We saw everything, but we still got out fast. You know how your mom is when we linger someplace and she's bored. Your mom didn't have any time to whine.

Whenever me, Austin & Mom go out, I'm always the one done first. And usually I linger, bored until the other two are finished. So my brain is working . . .
 

Me: Are you sure it's my mom you're talking about?
Austin, nodding vigorously: Definitely your mom.

Chef Boyardi

I never buy canned food, but there was a can of Chef Boyardi something or other in the markdown bin, so I got it for Austin.
Austin, trying to uncrumple the label after tossing the empty can in the recycle bin: I always do that. I always throw the can out before reading the cooking instructions.
Me: It's canned food. You put it in the microwave for thirty seconds, pull it out, stir it. If it's not warm enough, return it to the mic.
Austin: You and your whimsical ways. I don't know how I live with such chaos.

Mucous

So a couple of days ago, I had a great mucous story, but no one wanted to hear it. When I got home, I moaned about no one wanting to hear my story.
Austin: Fine, I'll listen to your mucous story.
So I told him.
Austin: Gross, but I've heard worse.
Me: Well, next time I need to fart, I'll do it in your general direction.
Later, I farted.
Me: I'm sorry.
Austin: Why?
Me: I promised I would fart in your general direction. Well, I forgot & just farted in general.

Austin's Gag Gift

I gave Austin his gag gift today (a box with one of his towels in it).
Me: You didn't think I'd give you your real gift before your birthday.
We teased each other for a bit.
Me: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Austin: I already have everything I want.
Me: Then how can I give you anything for your birthday?
Austin: The corny answer: Every day with you is a gift. The smart ass answer: Every day with you is like opening an empty box.

The New Job

Survived my first week in the new department. One of my co-workers spotted a picture of Emun Elliott hanging on my cabinet.

Associate X: Oooo, I see you have eye candy hanging up.

Me: Yep.

Associate X: Is that your husband?

And I laughed and laughed. 

 

This is the picture at my desk:

 

 

Cheese

So Austin wanders into the kitchen while I'm cutting the cheese. No literally, I was cutting some of the muenster cheese I'd gotten for Austin.

Me: I'm eating some of your cheese.
Austin: That's fine, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't eat my cheese.
Me: If you were smart, you wouldn't mess with me while I have a knife in my hand.

Wise Crack

Austin & I were watching Hulu and Austin made a comment which provoked a wise crack from me (how could it not?).
Austin: I'll teach you a lesson.
Me: Is that what dinner was?
Austin: It sure was. And you'll learn even more tomorrow when it's coursing through you.

Chicken

Me, Mom and Austin went grocery shopping today. After, I was breaking down a package of chicken breasts to freeze.
Austin, comes over, kisses my neck, then he slips his hand over the chicken: I love your breasts. They're so firm.

He's for sale. Cheap. His birthday gifts and TV are not included.

Limerick Time

Me: Is there anything else I can do today to show you I love you?
Austin: You can write me a limerick.
Me: I don't think I can do that. I mean, I guess I could write one in general . . .
Austin: No, it has to be about me. I'll get you started. Austin was brave and true.
Me: But he never knows what to do.

Silence.

Austin: Everyone called him crazy.
Me: Because he is Austin, baby! . . . And now I'm gonna go to the loo.

I Like Big Butts

Austin & I talking about lies and I told him lying was not OK. Austin said he thought he'd led me to the dark side, where I accepted white lies were permitted.
Me: Keep it up. I'll kick your butt. And since you've put on all that weight, I've got a bigger target.
Austin fake cries.
Later, Me: I love you.
Austin: I love you too.
I whisper into his ear: I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Dumas

Me: I just want to hug you and squeeze you all to pieces. And shove you down the stairs.
Austin: Silly woman.
Me: That goes without saying. I married you, dumb ass.
Austin: That's pronounced Dumas.

Groceries

So I carry in five bags of groceries in one trip. As I'm putting them away, Austin wanders into the kitchen and starts going through the bags.
Austin: By the way, we need milk.

Austin's Birthday

Austin won a 32" TV today! Woo-hoo! Now Austin is trying to talk me into buying a new entertainment center so we can house it downstairs in the living room. And here I thought he'd want to have it upstairs in his room so his video games would have any better definition. 

Ultimately he did decide to set it up in his room. He hasn't left that chair yet. Netflix now has Animaniacs and Austin can sit three inches away and watch it with wide eyes.

Now, Austin's birthday is coming up. I bought Austin's birthday gift 3/17/15. Yep, over a year ago. About two weeks, I asked Austin how he wanted it presented to him. He said gift-wrapped, of course, which is a challenge. So I put a towel in a shirt box (his towel, in case he gets any ideas) and wrapped the box with a note saying, "My nephew told me to wrap an empty box. That idea should have occurred to me without his help." And every day since, I've been shaking the box at him. "Do you know what you're getting? Any guesses? You can unwrap it now."

Yesterday, I told one of our friends all the ways I'm going to prank Austin for his birthday and one of the pranks I decided not to pull.

Me: X said I should prank you mercilessly.
Austin: That &*^#
Me, shaking the box at him: You can have it. It's only 16 days early.
Austin: You can't threaten me. I've got a TV.

What is Marriage?

You don't really believe it till it happens to you. Mom was trying to convince me to get Austin a mini-fridge for his room the other day and I was telling her absolutely not.
Me: He's not a college student. He's my husband.
Mom: Are you sure?

Steamer Basket

Me: One of the black rubber feet came off the steamer basket. I looked through the dish rack and around, but I don't see it.
Austin: They've fallen off before. Once two fell off at the same time. I just put them back on. It doesn't matter who lost it.
Me: Well, considering you used it last and you washed the dishes, it's your fault.
Austin, sighing: I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You'd blame me even if it wasn't my fault.

Scalloped Potatoes

So Austin made scalloped potatoes for a pot luck at work today and specifically made individual ramekins for us.
Austin: I'm pretty pleased with how they turned out. I think I did a good job for my first time and all that stirring. They even have . . . (poking at the top) I think you'd call that a crust.
Me: It's called burned.
(It's tasted wonderful though.)

Big and Talls

So Austin got some new clothes and was modeling them for me. He looked fantastic in them and I told him so. But he was depressed.
Austin: I had to move up another size. Soon I'll be in big and talls.

If you don't think this is funny, go back to the first post where I have a pic of us. My husband is 5'11. He was 135 pounds when we started dating. Now he weighs 170. He acts like this is a travesty.

Practicing for the Police

Me: I've been practicing for the police. "But I love my husband," so when I kill you, I can sound convincing.
Austin: Well, now we've got something in common. I've been practicing, "I swear, officer, I haven't seen my wife in days."
Me: So, you're going to wait until after my mother's dead to kill me? She's not going to let that much time lapse between seeing me.
Austin: Two birds, one stone.

Dog Massages

Me: Mom left a packet of dog biscuits with the mail.
Austin (examining the packet and card): Pawsitive Journey. Canine Education, Seminars, Canine Massage.
Me: I didn't read it, I just saw that she left it.
Austin: That's what it says, Cerified Trainer/Instructor, Certified Canine Massage Therapist. Certified. That means there's a whole school out there teaching people how to massage dogs and certifying them.
Pause for moment of horror.
Austin: Cricket, would you like to have a dog massage?
Me: What about me? I'd like to have a dog massage. I mean, I like it doggie-style, why not a doggie massage?
Austin: I was just about to say the same exact thing.