Stakes

I wish I could remember what Austin said that induced me to say this:
Me: That's like a stake through my heart.
Austin: Interesting that you say stake instead of knife. *giggling* You don't even pretend to be human like the rest of us. That's the way to embrace your inner-vampire.
Me: You know I have Facebook up right now as we speak.

Bad Breath

I was getting ready to go on a walk. Austin was just finishing up a piece of pizza bread on garlic naan.
Austin: Do you mind if I come?
Me: Sure, if you want.
I leaned in to kiss him and got a whiff of that breath.
Me: But if you do go with me, be sure you don't breathe on anyone or kiss them. Your breath reeks.
Austin: OK, I'll try not to kiss any strangers while we're walking.

No Kill Shelter

My sister-in-law is a smoker and has a heart condition. She's been battling the smoking thing for years. She's successfully quit for years. But she's tripped up again. So she was throwing a Halloween party for all of her son who is 10 and her grandkids (she has two adult sons who have--eek!--8 kids between them).

As Austin and I were leaving, sis-in-law put down her cigarette so she could hug me. I razzed her about smoking. She said she'd like Austin & I to take care of her son if she dies from smoking too much. I told her we'd find a nice no-kill shelter for him. Yep, this is our typical family interaction.

Rose Petals

Watching Lady Dynamite & the love interest does a path of rose petals to the kitchen where he's made a rose petal omelet.
Austin: How would you like it if I did that, the path and rose omelet?
Me: I'd like the path, but not the omelet. Roses are often grown with chemicals that are toxic. You'd have to make some real strides to make sure the rose petals can be consumed.
Austin, maniacal smile: Oh, I'll make sure they're not toxic.

More IM'ing

Austin  11:00 AM

I picked out another robe I can get for cheap...so now I've decided that I can finally get rid of my older, ratty robe 

Rachel 11:01 AM

SMH, stop shopping.

Austin 11:01 AM

aparently s inside of parenthesis is  

I know...but I'm so bored...I can't help myself

Rachel 11:02 AM

You can help yourself. And I have a knife at my station.

Austin E 11:07 AM

now I'm loking at appliances..X only carries one portable dishwasher...and it could be ours for only $539 

Rachel 11:07 AM

You could be homeless in only 10 minutes.

Austin E 11:09 AM

lol...also, free delivery & installation..18 or 30 mo. speacial financing, & up to 30% off (+assoc discount)...it would end up being about $340 + tax...you know you want one

*rolling eyes*

IM'ing

Austin's been bored at work, so lots of im'ing.

I told Austin he needs to get his own department store cc, because he's been giving mine such a workout.

Rachel 9:41 AM

And you can make purchases at the store without me, if something ever strikes your fancy . . . like me hitting you with a brick.

Austin 9:41 AM

If something fancy ever strikes me, I'll know you threw it.

Austin making horrible typos:

Austin 10:01 AM
having a c & o problem.

Rachel 10:01 AM
you are a c&o problem.

Austin 10:02 AM
better than a bo problem

PDA

At work, I was having a tough day because all of our systems were down. When Austin came over, I gave him a great big hug. Later, at home.

Austin: I don't think you should hug me like that at work.

Me: It was a bad day.

Austin: Yeah, I know, but it's still work. I don't want people thinking I come over for hugs.

Me: Fine, I'll go back to plotting your murder.

Murder Show Reruns

Watching Forensic Files reruns:
Me: You know you make my world go round, but if you ever murder me, I hope you get profiled on a show like this.
Austin, kissing me: That will never happen. Because I won't get caught.

Six Pack

So Austin can do that thing where you sit down on the floor without using your hands and return to a standing position, again, without pushing off the floor or balancing with your hands. The girls at work were so impressed, they made him come over and demonstrate.
After Austin was gone, one of the girls: Does Austin have a six pack from doing that?
I told Austin and we laughed and laughed.
Austin: If I had a six pack, it would hurt now from laughing so hard.

Lighting Fires

Austin & I were going to the grocery store together and he finally came downstairs. I followed him into the kitchen.

Austin: I'm getting coffee and still have to put in my teeth. You don't need to stop what you're doing yet.

Me: I came to light a fire under your butt.

Austin: You also light the fire in my heart.

Me: Oh, that's so sweet. You make me puke.

Mr. Mercedes

So Austin just finished reading Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King. Took him three days to finish the whole thing. He turned off his TV in favor of reading this book. I know. Serious.

So Austin is telling me how devastated he is over this woman who is killed when she gets into this car rigged to explode.
Me: That could happen to me. I could get into a car with a pipe bomb. Boom, I'd be dead tomorrow. But then, I don't have any life insurance.
Austin: That's why it won't happen tomorrow.

Life Insurance

Austin & I were talking about how awful our marriage is and fixing the problem.
Me: That's why I watch all those crime and forensic shows. Except I don't have a life insurance policy on you.
Austin: How's that gonna fix our marriage?
Me: I'm getting all these tips for killing you and getting away with it. But I need to take a policy on your life.
Austin: No, no, no. That's my plan. We can't both have the same plan. You come up with something else.

Like God was listening, I received a brochure for life insurance today in the mail . . .

Stay Home

Me: I want to stay home tomorrow with my handsome husband.
Austin: Liar. You just want to stay home.
Me: You're right. Now if my husband was Colin O'Donoghue, then I'd want to stay home with my husband.
Austin, fake stabbing me: I stab you with a knife.
I laugh.
Austin: I'm just kidding. I'd never stab you with a knife. It would be a crime of passion. I'd use whatever was handy. Probably a fork.

Innuendos at Work

Me: I did the X report by myself today. And I'll probably be doing it tomorrow alone too.
Austin: Don't masturbate at work.

Me: Well, Time and Attendance is frequently abbreviated T&A . . .
A moment later, Me: And Andrew kept touching stuff.

More Murder

Watching Forensic Files with Austin, this man murdered his son for the life insurance, because the killer was living beyond his means.
Austin: I'm going to live beyond my means so that I have a reason to commit murder in the future.
Me: You have reason to commit murder now.
Austin: I love you.

Showing Love

Austin was hugging me, telling me how much he loves me and how he couldn't love me any more than he does.

Austin: I don't know how I can show you how much I love you.

I start chuckling.

Austin: In these moment of silence, the love swells and I appreciate you so much.

Me: You know I'm coming up with a list.

Austin: Yeah, I could tell by the laughter.

The TV

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a hundred dollars to have a kitchen sink leak repaired. The sink still leaked, so I fixed it myself. And I did a fantastic job. So I decided to get rid of the DVR that hasn't had a satellite connection for two years. And then I couldn't get the TV to work after. I spent a good hour trying to fix it, reading directions, checking wires, hooking and rehooking.
As soon as Austin got home, I seized him and made him fix the TV. Which he did in under one minute.
Me: It takes a special kind of stupid to mess up the TV like that. Only I could do that.
Austin: Nah. Your mom could do it too.

Time & Attendance

So I'm in Time & Attendance now, so big shock, it annoys me when people are late and leave early. And pull stunts with the time clock.

Me: X annoys me so much. He does it all the time. Punches in at the time clock, but doesn't sign into his computer right off. And he always leaves a minute early.

Austin: I do that all the time.

Me: Yeah, but I can get even with you.

Embellishing

A coworker was sharing way too much about her sex life and I was telling Austin about it later.

Austin: Well, if you want to share about our sex life, embellish. Tell her how you can't get out of bed and you can't walk the next day, how I last for hours. Tell her how hard it is for me to buy underwear because I can't find any that fits.

Me: Because you're @$$ is so fat?

Austin: Yeah, lie.

Baby

Me: Holly had her baby.
Silence.
Me: You didn't know Holly was pregnant.
Austin: That's right.
A little while later.
Austin: I'm glad Holly had her baby. Imagine, if after nine months, she had given birth to a pineapple. That would be very disappointing.

I Really Love . . .

Austin: I really love that book.
Me: I really love you.
Austin: Everyone makes mistakes.
I start laughing.
Austin: I wasn't joking.

Wii Bowling

I'm a sore loser, in case someone out there didn't know. Austin's final score of 199 on Wii bowling came up. Turkey is a bowling term for three strikes in a row. In case you didn't know that too.
Austin: Your turn.
I kind of growl.
Austin: You're still going to beat me. You just got a turkey.
Me, prodding him: Yeah, and I married him.

Gorgeous Man

Austin was going down the stairs in our house, strutting like he always does and the cats were clustered in the window on the landing.
Me: Hey, you gorgeous, sexy man.
Austin turns, looks at one of the cats.
Me: That's right. I was talking about Mouse.

Where To Go

On our way to Cleveland Museum of Art.
Me, to Austin: You can turn right up here and take 13 north.
Austin: I've never been. You definitely need to tell me where we're going.
Me: I tell you where to go all the time. You don't do it.

Chicken

Me, Mom and Austin went grocery shopping today. After, I was breaking down a package of chicken breasts to freeze.
Austin, comes over, kisses my neck, then he slips his hand over the chicken: I love your breasts. They're so firm.

He's for sale. Cheap. His Christmas gifts, TV and Playstation are not included.

Hookie

So, for those of you who haven't heard, I'm back to full-time at work. So I was off yesterday. Austin was scheduled to work, but feigned a headache in the morning and called off. In the afternoon, when Mom and I went out to get groceries and eat, Austin felt better and was able to join us. Of course, I was giving him a hard time for playing hookie.

Austin: You're working full-time again. I've got my sugar mama back. I can call off all that I want.

Me: It's like you don't realize there's that window right there in your room that I can open up and toss all of your belongings out of.

Just to prove how much of a threat I am, Austin played hookie again today.

Bags of Dirt

So, I pulled a few weeds in the yard. The big rock is starting to stick up again.
Me: I need to get another bag of dirt to cover that rock.
Austin, poking Thirteen (our vocal cat): We've got plenty of bags of dirt.
Me, prodding Austin: That's right, but I'm not putting you in the backyard.
Austin: Really? You don't want me six feet under?
Me: Not in the backyard. That's the first place the police are gonna look.

PB

So I eat peanut butter a lot and usually I leave it on the counter. I was scanning the kitchen for it.

Austin: What are you doing?

Me, opening the cupboard: Looking for the PB. Found it.

Austin: I put it where it belongs.

Me: You put it on the bottom shelf. That's where all the dog treats go.

Austin: I put it where it belongs.

Me: Are you calling me a b&^%&$?

Austin: I didn't say that.

Me: Mhmmm.

SMH

Sometimes my husband does things like this and it just makes me love him so much.

Other times, he does stuff like this and I want to sell him.

Better Face

Mom was talking about lunch with a couple of friends from work.
Mom: They said how wonderful Austin is, how he's always smiling and laughing, whistling.
Austin: Only when I win TV's. Every other time, I'm putting on a face.
Me: Don't I know it. I've seen the real one. I'd like you to put on one that's better looking.
Of course, Austin shook his fist at me.

YOURFOREVERARMS

So, I gave Austin this big hug and he cuddled me to his chest.
Me: I want to be in your arms forever.
So Austin went to his desk and wrote on a notepad. He then presented me with a piece of paper that said, 'YOURFOREVERARMS.'
Me: What's this supposed to be.
Austin: In your arms forever.
Me: There's no in.
Austin: Forever is in your arms.
I wish I could post a picture of my face when I realized my husband had been playing too many word games.