Ummm, blood

Gee, I hope Austin isn't missing or dead through mysterious circumstances. I just cut myself while cooking and there's blood everywhere. Who knew a thumb could bleed so much?

Austin: Thank you for sacrificing your finger for me while making dinner.
Me: I didn't do it for you. I was just being reckless, careless and not paying attention to what I was doing.
Austin: I'm not talking about ten years ago when you met me. I'm talking about tonight when you were making dinner.

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Austin got a box of Capri Sun pouches because they were one penny cheaper than the Kool-Aid pouches.
After we got home, Austin: No high fructose corn syrup! Why, back in the day, we had high fructose corn syrup in everything. And I turned out OK.
Me: No, you didn't.
Austin: Fine, but I'm gonna continue to eat high fructose corn syrup. And when Tasia's born, she's gonna eat it too.

The Death Thing

I was kind of depressed that my friends thought it was so shocking that I have a morbid fascination with death. I mean, I loved vampires as a teenager. And Egyptian mythology is fascinating. And I really have seen some incredible mummies from many diverse cultures (non-Egyptian African cultures, South American cultures, China, really all around the world). I wanted to be a paleontologist as child . . .

Me, pouting: My friends are all freaking out over the death thing.

Austin: It's fine.

Me: I just find it fascinating, all of it. That we kill each other, what we do with the bodies, how we honor the dead, all of it.

Austin: It's fine, Rachel.

Me: I'm not a death freak. Really. I also like My Little Pony. Do you think that's strange?

Austin: As long as you're not fantasizing about dead My Little Pony characters, I think it's fine.

Forensic Files . . . Again

Austin: Are you enjoying Forensic Files?
Me: I've seen all the episodes before, but it's been a while. And they're showing all these crime scene pics of the dead bodies. They didn't do that in the originals. That or they were highly edited. But these, they got clear shots of the faces twisted in agony and detailed angles of the decay. In this one, you can see the backside of this woman in her nightgown. I mean, no nudey parts, but still, you can tell she's not wearing anything. You couldn't air that stuff on TV before. It was against the law. They've either changed the law or it's OK for streaming.
Austin: You scare me sometimes.
Me: What?
Austin: Do you hear yourself? Enamored with looking at corpses. You sound like Silence of the Lambs or something.

No More Cats

Me: Debbie thinks she's got a couple more people who might take the stray cat off her hands.
Austin: That's good.
Me: It's a long hair. We can't have anymore long hairs.
Austin shoots me a threatening look.
Me: In the future. We have too many cats now.
Austin: Yeah. No more cats. I like the cats; we just have too many... Once we have a more manageable number, I'd like to do some work on this house. There's so much I'd like to replace.
Me: Yeah. ... Like the husband.
Pause. Austin crosses the kitchen, pulls the paring knife from the block and points it at me.
Me: You should use one of the bigger ones. It'd be too hard to kill me with that.
Austin: I just grabbed the closest one. It'd be too hard to get out the electric knife and plug it in.

Emerald City

Austin was watching Emerald City. I came up to visit and peeped over his shoulder at his iPad to see he was browsing mens underwear on X website.
Me: Did you find anything?
Austin: Nah, just looking.
Me: We have a $10 reward certificate.
Austin: Yeah, I know. That's why I was looking, to see if there was anything I want.
I glance up at Emerald City on the TV.
Me: The sets are really nice, very colorful and fantastical. They did a great job with the look.
Austin, still browsing X: Yeah. It's the only thing keeping me watching, the gorgeous, whimsical sets.
Me: Yeah, I could tell how rapt you were by how you were scrolling through X, looking at underwear.

Later, Austin: I bought a couch. I used our reward certificate. It's green.

Lamp

Me: The lamp in my bedroom won't stay on.
Austin: Need a new lamp.
Me: Looks that way. The switch has been finicky for sometime.
Austin: That's too bad.
Me: Yeah. I was under the misapprehension that lamps never need replaced.

Incidentally, Austin's brother told me how to replace the switch on a lamp, so I don't need a new lamp.

Restaurants

Me: Almost all the restaurants I initially selected are really pricey. I must have been too focused on non-seafood options to have missed the $40-$50 price tag on entrees. We'll probably just have to eat on the fly like we usually do.
Austin: I wouldn't worry about it. Your mom will be with us. We won't starve.
Me, chuckling, seeing where this is going.
Austin: She's salty and tough, but I like beef jerky.

Taxes . . .

Austin & I were talking taxes again. OK, so this was back in February.
Me: You'll probably get your tax refund Monday or Tuesday.
Austin: Nah, I haven't even mailed it yet.
Me: You don't have to mail State or Federal anymore. I submitted those electronically. You just have to mail Local and School. I put all that on the post-it note. I paper clipped all that together. That's why I only made out envelopes for those. I'm sorry if I didn't explain that.
Austin: You probably did. I wasn't listening.

Quality Time

Austin went to his room, switched on his TV and brought up Netflix. I sat on his lap, as is my habit, and started telling him about my day, that it was short, that everyone was talking about the game, my boss's birthday coming up. Austin abandoned the TV, focused on me. I continued to tell him about the work I'd personally done, that he'd taken his class on tour and brought them to the nook where I work. Then I got up to go. Austin stared at me attentively.
Me: What?
Austin: What?
Me: You have a look on your face.
Austin: Oh?
Me: Wait, never mind. I recognize it now. It's the, "are you done talking yet so I can stop pretending to listen and go back to watching TV" look. Yes, I'm done.

Late Lunch

Me & Austin on our way to a late lunch.
Austin: Which way do I go? Do I turn right?
Me: Straight. And I'd tell you to go to hell, but you never do what I tell you to do.
Austin: You should be glad I don't- Because if I did, we'd be going to hell and you'd be going with me because you're in the passenger seat.

Can't Get What You Want

After I finished washing dishes, Austin: Do you want to call your mom and go to X like we discussed?
I glanced at the clock, 2:18.
Me: I think they close at 2:00.
Austin: Really?
Me: I think so. Maybe four, but it's early, focuses on the lunch crowd. We still need to take the recycle out. We could drive past and check.
Austin, on his iPad: Nah, I've got it. Three.
Me: Too late for a meal by the time we get there. Want to go somewhere else?
Austin: The only stuff local is Subway and pizza places. I don't really want Subway and I'm not in the mood for pizza. You want pizza?
Me: Hello, they have that major local game today. Pizza places are going to be mad houses.
Austin, browsing his iPad: What do I want, what do I want?
Me: I want a loving husband who's strong but sensitive.
Austin: I want Santa to be real, but we can't always get what we want.

Bored

Now that the election is long behind us, I feel it safe to post this:

I was desperately bored, so I broke down and washed dishes (it was my turn). Austin wandered in, started rubbing my shoulders.
Me: See what you've reduced me to? Leaving me alone bored on a Sunday. I don't even want to get on FB because it's such a political hotbed right now. There were a couple of things I thought were really funny this morning, but I didn't click like and I definitely don't share it. Then that &$/?$ will be on my wall. . . Everyone just needs to take a huge chill pill.
Austin: It should be a suppository.

Your ^%#&

Austin walked past me on his way to take a shower. I was sitting, eye level with . . .

Me: I love it when you shake that &*#$#*& for me.

Austin: It shakes on its own.

More Belated Birthday

One of Austin's birthday gifts was an array of trick candles. I had candles that wouldn't blow out, candles that had a special color flame when lit and I had a musical candle that played happy birthday while spinning (search Incredible Candle, if you want to see video).

I pulled out a camera to take a pic once I got everything lit up.

Austin: Do you want me to do a fake blow?
Me: I get fake blows from you all the time.

Also I gave Austin his birthday/anniversary (yes, we've been dating 10 years, 4/22/17-married 4, 1/12/17!) card.

Austin, laughing: That's pretty funny.

More laughing.

Austin: I'm gonna keep that. It'll make a good coaster.

This is a different card from the one he was using as a coaster . . .

Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 starts, it's dark and the theater had quieted. The year 1980 popped onto the screen and the song "Brandy" started to play.
Me, whispering: This song is from 1974.
Austin: Shhh.
Me: It was number one in late July.
Austin, ignoring me.
Me: Do you know how I know that?
Austin: Shut up.
After the movie was over and the very last credit had rolled.
Me: I'm sorry for talking during the movie.
Austin: It's all right.
Me: I just really hate continuity errors.
Austin: It wasn't an error. They said the year was 1980, not the song.
Me: I get why they picked the song. Thematically, it fit. They should have done better at having a time appropriate song to match.
Austin: They couldn't fill the show with all 80's music.
Me: They didn't have to fill it, just the opening part where they had the year.

Squeaky Toy Franchise

Austin can't get the idea of squeaky toys in bras out of his head.

Austin: We could make a killing in the novelty underwear arena if we added squeakers to bras. We'd sell millions. We'd be set for life.

Mom: How about we add them to jock straps instead.

Me: We don't have to corner the market or buy one. We could have them now. Just take apart the dog toys and sew them in.

I was convinced these things already existed. Try as I might, I can't find novelty underwear that includes squeakers. Austin might be onto something.

Happy Mother's Day

As we drive past a sign for a Mother's Day luncheon,
Mom : I'm going to that.
Austin: If I shave, I could go to that.

D&D

Austin & his friends haven't played D&D since January and I have gotten to enjoy hours of whining, in addition to having my husband as a constant companion these past few months.
Austin: It looks like we're still on for D&D tomorrow.
Me: Nice to know your friends don't hold Mother's Day as sacred as anniversaries (last one was canceled because of a first year anniversary).
Austin: That's right.
Me: I'm just glad you're getting out of the house. I'm sick of you being around all the time. Great Mother's Day gift to me.

Happy Belated Birthday Cake

As Austin was getting ready to leave for work.

Me: I'm going to make your birthday cake tonight, since I have to work tomorrow. But you're not allowed to have any until I get home tomorrow.

Austin: Well, I won't get home until midnight tonight. Technically, it'll be my birthday and I'd be allowed to have my birthday cake.

Me: If you touch that cake, I'll reek havoc on your brownies.

The Porch for the Last Time . . . This Year

It's been unusually cold this week, but Austin has said he's going to paint the porch. Austin has had some time off and it's on his to-do list.

Co-worker A, when I told her: It's supposed to rain all week.

Co-worker B: There's freeze warnings in the forecast.

I shrugged it off.

Co-Worker A: Your porch isn't getting painted.

Well, by golly, he did it. The porch has been painted white. I took pictures and showed my co-workers and everything.

Co-Worker C: Huh, so that's why it's so cold today. Hell finally froze over.

The Porch

I made a snide remark about the porch not getting painted.

Austin: If it really bothered you, you'd do it yourself.

Me: If I paint the porch, I'm divorcing you.

I was telling Mom about it.

Mom: Tell him he's sleeping on the porch until he gets it painted.

Well, the threat must have gone a long way, because Austin announced he was going to paint the porch during his break.

Except he needs me to go with him to buy the paint. He wants to make sure he buys the right color. I want the porch painted white. Don't make excuses for him.

Wasp Season

I go into the kitchen.
Austin: I just killed another wasp.
Me, gasping, rushing to his arms: How bad's the trauma?
Austin, sighing: Pretty bad. I might have flashbacks.
Me, patting his back.
Austin: Or PTSD.

Squeaky Toy

I showed Austin this meme.

Later, Austin mentioned that he loved my boobs more than anything. I wasn't amused.
Austin: What I really meant was I love to touch them.
Me: Mhmmm.
Austin: I love that they're mine and I can be with you and touch them. I love squeezing them.
Me: What you mean is for your next birthday, you'd like me to get a breast augmentation and have a squeaky toy put in them for even more fun.
Austin: Well, yeah. But we should save that money for a vasectomy.
Me: We're pretty close to having enough money for your vasectomy.
Austin: And I'm pretty sure you can just buy a bra that has a squeaky toy in it.
Me: I could go downstairs, rip apart one of the dog toys and pull the squeaker out and put it down my shirt.

Cthulhu Toilet Paper

So a few weeks ago, I was concerned because you could see little Cthulhus all over our toilet paper. Austin was vaguely surprised, but unconcerned. Well, I was disturbed, so I bought a competitor brand. What a disappointment. I guess I will have to reconcile seeing the most unholy of deities on my tp.

Zyrtec

Since my allergies were going haywire yesterday and into the evening, I decided to take a shower and go to bed early. I don't do well with most medications, so I don't usually bring them in my house. But Austin recently requested Zyrtec.

Austin: Take some Zyrtec before you go to bed. That's supposed to work for 24 hours.

So I did. I pulled down the bottle read the directions, etc. Popped one in my mouth. This morning, in bed, congestion was sitting in the right side of my head, the side I was lying on, but now that I'm up, my sinuses are clear.

After Austin took a shower this morning: By the way, you're only supposed to take one Zyrtec tablet.

Me: A little late to tell me that this morning.

Austin: Well, I figured you read the bottle, but just in case . . .

Two Fortunes

Once again, I must have been a very good girl! Two fortunes in a single fortune cookie!!!

Me, reading out one of the fortunes: Your ability to pick a winner will bring you success.

Mom: No, no, you picked Austin.

 

 

Clothespin

Austin & I use clothespins to keep our plastic bags in place in the trashcan. As I was pushing the trash down to add more, I heard the snap of the clothespin. Sure it enough, it disappeared. I refused to root through the trash for it, but I did a fair job of searching the floor and surrounding area.
Me: I hate that.
Austin: It's fine. They're cheap.
Me: I know. I got one hundred for two dollars.
Austin: See, cheap. There are so many different clips and colors and things. I'm glad we use plain old clothespins.
Me: The colored ones are more expensive.
Austin: Good. We don't need colored ones.
Me: I thought you'd like colored ones.
Austin: No way. Then someone would accuse of us being racist. You know someone would say, "Hey, look at all those happy faces on the yellow ones. You think all Asians are happy all the time?"
Me, smirking.
Austin: Your mother would be the first one to complain. She'd say the red ones are Indians. And the black ones--

Me: The color pack doesn't have black ones.

Austin: See, racist. Nah, I like the plain ones, that I can customize myself. And that burned one, he's become my favorite. 

In case you forgot:

Salad Spinner

We got a salad spinner for Christmas and I was pretty sure this thing was useless. Neither of us much like salads. So I immediately suggested giving it to Goodwill.

Austin: Nah. I'm pretty sure Alton Brown said that they have a lot of uses.

I was pretty sure Alton Brown had called them a unitasker and a waste of space. But time passed. 

I looked up a couple of articles on the Internet about the uses for a salad spinner: salad spinning, of course. Berries, veggies and pasta can also be spun (though I wouldn't recommend angel hair, as that would go through the holes). And . . .

Me: The article said you can use it to dry your bathing suit after swimming.

Austin made several jokes about that and the value of drying your bathing suit.

Me: Can I get rid of the salad spinner [still in the box] now?

Austin: Yeah, you can get rid of it.

Peeling an Onion

Austin pulled out the trash can to peel an onion. The trash was spilling over.
Me: Are you going to take the trash out?
Austin: Yeah, sure.
Me, after a pause: Before or after you paint the porch?
Austin: Must drive you crazy that I have all this time off and you have to slog to work. Making you a real %$#&.
Me: You think this is bad? Remember what happened when you thought the dog ate your teeth.

Mug

I got a mug for Austin that says, "Morning, Handsome." No "good", just "morning". Perfect, right. And Austin has been using it religiously.
Me: I'm so glad you like your mug.
Austin, rubbing his chin and jaw: Yeah, I love it. I love looking at it in the mirror.
So I pseudo-punched him in the mug.