Being Right

Austin: I was telling my class about the time I opened that package with your name on it and it was my underwear. About me being right. I told them, 'I'm not right very often, but when I am, boy, I love it. And I rub it in.' One of the guys in my class said, 'You can tell he's married.'

The Lake

For non-Ohioans, Buckeye Lake flooded a few weeks ago and turned a quiet afternoon drive home from work into misery.

I left work at about 2:50 and it normally takes me an hour to get home. Me texting Austin.

3:41 Going nuts, bumper 2 bumper on 70.

3:50 Finally news about backup. 79 still flooded. 70 closed. Backup started before 310. Go home 161. I can't picture that the traffic is going to let up by the time you leave work at rush hour. If ur late getting out, maybe, but take 161.

3:56 News now reporting 70 backed up to 256. I'm going 2 b 4vr getting home.

Realizing my husband never checks his texts, I e-mail his work address.

3:58- I'm stuck on 70. Been 50 minutes not moving so far. Not getting better. Go home 270.

Back to texting.
4:09-Ive officially bn stuck n this for an hr. Hopefully I can exit 158 soon.

4:18 News now calling 70 a parking lot. The news should have said something at 3:00 when I left work.

4:26 Wah, Im never getting through this.

4:33 Still stuck on 70.

4:42 And still . . . So bored and sweaty. Worst time 4 this.

4:51 Have u figured out that I want 2 cry? This is pure hell.

5:00 Im still not to 158 and Ive bn n my car for 2 hrs now.

5:03 158 is 1/2 a mile away, but so many ppl r on the berm u cant get to it.

5:07 At this rate I could u turn back 2 col[umbus] and drive home 270 faster.

5:15 Finally! And now 158 is all *(#^&

5:16 Ive gone 2 miles in 2 hrs.

5:25 This semi has pulled n2 middle of 158 and now no 1 is moving. Hes asking directions. Ass.

5:31 And now Im stuck on 158. Really ur going 2 beat me home.

5:36 I think Im dead. Im dead and this is hell.

5:43 And my odometer shows Ive gone just ovr 3 miles since this headache started.

5:50 I am in hell. I cant evn reach Mom. I wish I could cry.

6:00 I am finally moving but will b another 40 minutes home.

Took me fours to get home that day.

Sure enough, I get home a minute or so after Austin. I asked him if he got my texts.

Austin: No. I never check my phone. You know that.
Me: Then the e-mail?
Austin: Yeah.
Me: I'll bet 70 was backed up to Brice by the time you left work.
Austin: Nah, it was pretty clear by the time I left. I thought about chancing it. But then I thought no, she's always right. So I went home 161 like you said.

And then Austin starts in about the crappy day he's had and how awful his newbies are. My throat was dry. I could barely talk. I was in my car for four hours and was ready to die.

So then I get something cold to drink, wash off the sweat, go to my room to crash for a while.

A few minutes later, a knock on my door.
Austin: I just checked my phone. I had twenty texts. (Hugging me) I'm so sorry.

To make a point . . .

You remember Austin opening the package with my name on it, right?

I should open this just to make a point.

Pecan Pie Snack Mix

Well, this feels like a rerun.
Me, unpacking groceries: And I got pecan pie snack mix. I love this stuff.
Austin: I want to try some.
Remember, Austin doesn't like nuts, especially in sweet things.
Me: You won't like it.
Austin: Just a little.
Me, handing the bag over.
Austin, gagging: Ooo, yuck *gag, gag, hack*
Me: I told you.
Austin: I'm going to get it down. I'll swallow it.
More gagging.
Remember when he insisted on trying the toffee-ettes, toffee rolled in almonds?
Me: I told you.
Austin: I'll make it.
More gagging.
Austin: No, I'm not.
Spits it into the sink.
Me: I told you!
Drinking several cups of water.
Me: I told you.
And for those of you who keep saying I should do this as a comic strip, this is why I shouldn't do it as a comic strip.

Apricot Pirate

I've been busy, so it's taken me a bit to fix the blinded apricot preserves. But it has been done.

He's been returned to his place with the vision able foods.

Christmas Cometh

Cheesy Broccoli Soup

We had some cheese left over after the potluck, so I decided to try my hand at cheesy broccoli soup. Again. Third attempt.
Me: I'm thrilled with how it turned out. The broccoli was perfect and the sauce was nice and smooth, not grainy at all.
Austin: But there's none left.
Me: I had two bowls and gave the rest to Mom.
Austin: I wanted to try some.
Me, a look.
Austin: I know I don't really like cheesy broccoli soup, but I still would have liked to try it to see how it turned out.
Me: The next time you try something that you know you don't like, I'm going to have my video turned on and I'm posting it on FB.

Fortune Cookie!

Me: They gave us three fortune cookies with our order!
Austin: I saw that.
Me: They probably thought there were three people eating, since you got a large order of pork lo mein and I got small order of vegetable lo mein.
Austin, touching his stomach: What are you saying?
Me, touching his stomach too: You're eating for two now, dear.

Dragon Phoenix Soup

Me & Austin ordering Chinese food.
Me: I wonder what dragon phoenix soup is.
Austin: Well, obviously it's a soup made with dragon and phoenix.
Me: Oh. They should charge more than $3.95 for it then.

Shower Curtain

So this happened shortly after we cleaned the bathroom, but I forgot to include it with the bathroom bits.
Austin picked out four shower curtains and asked me which one I liked the best. I narrowed it down to two, one with a Parisian motif, and one with a white flower on a black background.

Austin: I really like the Parisian one better, but it's cloth and we'd need to buy a liner and that one's $34. The flower one is only $19.00 and we wouldn't need a liner.

Me: Don't worry about the money. Get the one you want.

Austin: I like both of them. And I do like the flower one. It's just a shower curtain.

Me: Well, remember when you were cleaning the bathroom and you took the black valances down and you said how much brighter it was in the shower? The Parisian one is white. The flower one is mostly black, so you'll be back to a dark showering experience.

Austin: The flower one is see-through.

Me: What?!?!?!!?! No, we're definitely getting the Parisian one then.

Austin: You have a problem with a transparent shower curtain, but you leave the door open when you go to the bathroom. I'd rather have you see me in the shower than taking a poop.

The Night Shift

Austin's working nights for the next three weeks. He's coming in at one a.m., probably going to bed around 3:00. I was up at 6:30 a.m., got laundry done, changed litter, paid bills, etc. Around 10:30, Austin got up to use the restroom. After, I gave him a hug and told him that I love him.

Austin: I love you too.

Long, lingering hug.

Austin: I want to go back to bed.

Permission

A mutual friend of ours was invited to the cookout, but couldn't go because her husband wouldn't let me. I had fits when I found out she had to “ask his permission” to go. I railed about that to everyone.

Me: I can't imagine asking my husband's permission for anything.

Austin: Absolutely not. She doesn't even ask me where I want the bruises. She just gives them to me.

Time for the Cookout!!

So, telling Austin how to get to the cookout last night. With Mom in the car.
Me: It's a straight shot down on 661. You just stay on that all the way.
Mom: 661 becomes 37. You want to go straight to pick up 37.
Me: Yes, 661 becomes 37, but it's a straight shot south.
Mom: You have to turn right then left in Granville to stay on 661, then after Granville it becomes 37.

Now keep in mind, this is how Austin & I go to work every day, so he knows the route. I'm having a silent huff in the front seat next to my husband.

Austin, trying to pacify me: Don't worry. You can tell me exactly what to do.
Me: Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Ever.

Eggs

My husband thinks he's funny. The message says, "Ouch! You broke me!! I'm dying *cough, cough* Why!?!?! *gurgle*" In case you can't read it.

I think I'm funnier. Yeah, I ate an egg for breakfast, just so I could do this.

And this is what happened when Austin discovered these little beauties.

Eehn

I showed Austin a pic of my latest crush.

Austin: Eehn.

Me: Eehn? He actually looks like that.

Austin: I'm not impressed.

Me: You should be more concerned. I'm going to see him Wednesday night when we go to see South Pacific.

Austin: I'm not worried. I know the real way to a woman's heart. Through her stomach. And since I'm going to get dinner for us right now--

Me: That's a man's heart.

Austin: It goes both ways.

Me: You're going to make me say something bad if you keep it up.

My Latest Crush

Remember Mr. Same Age As My Laundry Basket that I mentioned drooling over yesterday?

I was sharing my fondness for this guy at work and my co-worker asked to see him, so I found a pic of him on inet.

Co-Worker X: You have good taste in men.
Me: Yeah, Austin was a fluke.

I don't know what show he's in there, but this is from one of his performances (Much Ado About Nothing, peut-etre?).

And that's his headshot.

Laundry Basket

I started doing laundry at 5:42 am today. (Because I'm an adult and that's how I roll.) There is this totally cute guy at the local summer stock theater that I totally have a crush on who is like 23 years old. (Austin so doesn't care.) As I was carrying my clean laundry up the steps this morning, I realized my laundry basket is the same age as this scrumptious child I've been ogling this summer. Yep, thanks for making me feel old, kid.

Underwear

Remember the long story about Austin opening the package with my name on it? Well, Austin loves the underwear, so he went on the Internet to get more, but he thought maybe he could find some he liked better that were cheaper. So . . .

Austin: These new ones I bought, they're like wearing rubber bands. Really, the problem is my ass. My ass is too fat.

A General Malaise

This is a link to an absolutely hilarious clip of Sean Cullen and his James Bond bit. Watch to the very end, through the Irish Villain's plan to take over the world. Then you'll understand why this is so funny to me and Austin and why it applies to this particular moment in our life.

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/2200pj/comedy-central-presents-james-bond

 Austin & I went to Dairy Queen. Austin got a chocolate Moo-latte. I got a pineapple mango smoothie. On top of Austin's Moo-latte was a shot of whipped cream with a drizzle of chocolate sauce. I mentioned how good it looked and Austin offered to let me have some. So I swiped my finger through the whipped cream and chocolate, careful not to get any Moo-latte. I stuck it in my mouth.

Me: Not as good as I thought. It's that cheap chocolate syrup, not the good chocolate fudge stuff.

Austin commiserated for a moment, but the pineapple mango was terrific, so I was soon recovered. Austin loves mango, so I let him try my smoothie and he loved it. Then he starts in on his Moo-latte and it's quiet for a bit as we're driving home.

Me: How is it?

Austin: Meh. The chocolate syrup is grainy and cheap.

Me: I'm sorry.

Austin: They put it all the way through, so it's contaminating every sip. If I had known, I'd have gotten caramel. Next time, I'm getting a pineapple mango smoothie. Can I have more of yours?

So I pass it over to him.

Me: I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Austin: It's OK. It's just that the chocolate is cheap. It's not like the chocolate we normally have.

Me, laughing, affecting Irish accent: Oh, we have arrived. That's some poor quality chocolate.

Austin, laughing too, also in an Irish accent: Yes, and a general malaise has fallen over the car.

Potluck

Mom made fun of me for this. I don't want to go grocery shopping five minutes before the potluck because I forgot to tell Austin hands off the ingredients.

Clean Bathroom!!!

Austin cleaned the bathroom!!!!
Me: I love you. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud to call you my husband.
Austin: Yeah sure. When you're not calling me all those mean names. 

Since Austin cleaned the bathroom, we realized how ratty and disgusting our shower curtain was. I went on the Internet to try to find another shower curtain with music notes and roses to fit the theme in our bathroom; alas, it was not meant to be. So we picked out a new bath curtain, one that was beige, cream and blue and featured Paris and la tour Eiffel.

Well, with the change of the shower curtain, that meant we needed new hand towels, the switch plate with notes and roses had to come down, the whole bathroom needed redone. So Austin and I sat on Amazon.com and ordered hand towels and a switch plate with an Eiffel Tower theme. We didn't have enough for free shipping, so I added some thread. Still not enough, Austin added some underwear to the order.

A week or so passed, we got the hand towels :D And then the switch plate :D !!!! I put these things up, redid the restroom. A few days later, when I wasn't home, another package arrived. When I came in from work, I found this package with my name on it opened and the contents gone. Oh, and a spool of thread was sitting on the microwave. So I told Austin not to open packages with my name on it. He blew me off. We bickered a bit more and then went on with life.

Well, such a big event in my life, I told my mother that Austin opened the package that had my name on it.

Mom: Well, that could have been a Christmas present.

Me: Exactly.

So feeling justified in my previous outrage, I went back to Austin and told him that my mother agreed with me and he shouldn't have opened the package.

Austin: I knew it was my underwear.

Me: Maybe it wasn't.

Austin: I knew that it was.

Me: But it could have been something else.

Austin: But I knew that it wasn't.

Me: It could have been a Christmas present.

Austin: Not in July. Well, with you, yeah, summer Christmas purchases, yeah, but I knew it wasn't. If you ordered something for me, you would have told me twenty or thirty times that you ordered something and to not touch it.

Me: Look, I'm just saying I don't want you opening anymore packages with my name on it.

Austin: So all those times I've ordered from JCPenney and put the order under your name, even though it was mine, I should let you pick those up.

My brow crinkled.

Austin: Backed into a corner aren't you?

Me: &#$%

Austin: And I should link those orders to my account and pay for them with my credit card and I'll earn all the rewards and I'll keep them for myself.

Me: Boy, you're really rubbing in this being right thing.

Weyer Shave Pains

When Austin wakes up, I'll have to remember to ask him what this says. It looks like Weyer Shave Pains to me, but I'm betting it's actually Kroger Snack Packs.

Austin's finally up, so I asked him. Sure enough, Kroger snack packs. 
Me: We need to write more clearly. 
Austin: I heard "we", but I'm sure that's not really what I heard.

Gardening

Yesterday, a friend brought me a cucumber the size of my arm and a zucchini the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm. My lovely friends told me to name the zucchini Emun Elliott. I said, "If I'm going to shred it for zucchini bread, I can't name it Emun Elliott." So they compelled me to name the cucumber Emun Elliott. So the rest of the day, whenever I touched Emun Elliott cucumber, everyone got the giggles. Even worse, I told Austin I named my cucumber Emun Elliott. He said this was fine, as long as I name my next cucumber after him. Poor Emun Elliott, he has no idea how much joy he brings to my little corner of the world.

Create & Multiply

Since Father's Day, the girls at work have been bothering me about having a baby. I'm 4%#^&*!!! for pity's sake. Nevertheless, our boss is pregnant and a girl on the neighboring admin team is pregnant, so I'm the victim on our team.

Co-worker X: You'd be a good mom.

Me: Of course. That's because I don't have kids.

Co-worker Y: God says to create and multiply.

Me, creating a paper airplane: Three times four is twelve.

Mermaid Pillow

I got Austin a mermaid pillow (the sequins pillows you can write messages in or draw pictures on).
Austin: I love you.
Me: I love you too. The pillow says so. Forever and ever and ever.
Austin: Until I change the message.
Me: To what? Fart?
Austin: Well, now that you say so . . .

I don't have a picture of it saying "fart".

 

Air Conditioner

At the hotel this weekend, Austin was complaining about how hot the room was. I had turned the air conditioner down.
Me: You can turn the air conditioner up if you want.
Austin: I already did. While you were in the bathroom.

Coffee . . . Whitener

Me: I don't know why anyone would put this in their coffee. Whitener?
Austin: That's creamer?
Me: You can't t call it creamer; there's not a single dairy product on the ingredient list.
Austin: I thought it was one of those individually wrapped wet wipes. Throw that out.

Granules of Sugar

Austin: It is so humid this morning.
Me: That's all in your head.
Austin: No it's not. I can tell by the granules of sugar and how they pour.

Blinded!

By the fridge, a plastic googly eye.

Me: Oh no! Something's lost an eye.

Austin: It was probably a potato.

It was the apricot jam.

 

In case you forgot:

 

The eyes are still staring at us. Maybe I'll have to do a piratey sort of eye patch for the apricot jam, since one of the eyes fell off . . .

Mustache

My husband's love of his facial hair continues . . . He'd love this shirt.

Snuggling

I was curled up with a blanket because though it's been 90 degrees out, my husband has had the air conditioner on and I was freezing.

Austin: Turn around and I'll give you someone to warm you up.

Snuggling from behind commences.

Me: It doesn't feel like Emun Elliott. Is it someone else?

Austin: Shut up.

Paranoia

Austin: What's your favorite kind of pudding?

Me: Why do you want to know?

Austin: Just a random question.

Me: Vanilla.

Austin: Really?

Me: Yeah, really. There's pretty much only two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I prefer vanilla.

Later, Austin, while watching Forensic Files: If I murdered someone, would you divorce me?

Me, pausing to think: I wouldn't expect to remarry. I guess not.

Austin: Really?

Me: Yeah, you've lied to me. I know you're two-faced. With all the stuff I've let slide, yeah, I'd probably stay married to you if you killed someone. It's not like I like people all that much.

Austin, little smile on his face.

Later still, Austin: Vanilla is really your favorite flavor of pudding?

OK, this is the second time he asked. This isn't just trivial info.

Me, growling: Yes, why do you want to know?

Austin: With all the flavors out there, vanilla is your favorite?

Me: There's not bunches of flavors.

Austin: Tapioca.

Me: Not bad, but has those little jelly beads in it.

Austin: Butterscotch?

Me: Ooo, no.

Austin: Or pistachio?

Me: Look, there's more than two flavors, but vanilla is the best pudding flavor. Why do you want to know?

Austin: Just curious.

Clearly, we have priority issues regarding the questions that make us paranoid.

Later, I was telling a co-worker about this.

Me, talking about the murder question: Of course I wouldn't divorce him. I can picture it now. Austin all concerned about me being mad, “I murdered somebody.” Me, “Good, I have a list.”

Co-worker: And you want it done before dinner.

Dinner

Last night while Austin & I were making dinner, Me: It's a bit late for me to eat, but it's a gorgeous night.
Austin: It's not night. It's not even dark yet.
Me: It's 8:00. That's night.
Austin: It's summer. Night doesn't come as early.
Me: Summer has nothing to do with it. It's 8:00.
Austin: It's evening.