Paranoia

Austin: What's your favorite kind of pudding?

Me: Why do you want to know?

Austin: Just a random question.

Me: Vanilla.

Austin: Really?

Me: Yeah, really. There's pretty much only two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I prefer vanilla.

Later, Austin, while watching Forensic Files: If I murdered someone, would you divorce me?

Me, pausing to think: I wouldn't expect to remarry. I guess not.

Austin: Really?

Me: Yeah, you've lied to me. I know you're two-faced. With all the stuff I've let slide, yeah, I'd probably stay married to you if you killed someone. It's not like I like people all that much.

Austin, little smile on his face.

Later still, Austin: Vanilla is really your favorite flavor of pudding?

OK, this is the second time he asked. This isn't just trivial info.

Me, growling: Yes, why do you want to know?

Austin: With all the flavors out there, vanilla is your favorite?

Me: There's not bunches of flavors.

Austin: Tapioca.

Me: Not bad, but has those little jelly beads in it.

Austin: Butterscotch?

Me: Ooo, no.

Austin: Or pistachio?

Me: Look, there's more than two flavors, but vanilla is the best pudding flavor. Why do you want to know?

Austin: Just curious.

Clearly, we have priority issues regarding the questions that make us paranoid.

Later, I was telling a co-worker about this.

Me, talking about the murder question: Of course I wouldn't divorce him. I can picture it now. Austin all concerned about me being mad, “I murdered somebody.” Me, “Good, I have a list.”

Co-worker: And you want it done before dinner.