College Football

Austin was looking up info on college football for Mom. She yanked the iPad out of his hands, started reading the article herself.

Me: You're not getting that back.

Austin: Oh yes I am. Your mom might be a black belt, but I'm a fifth degree in dirty fighting.

Wise

Austin: My manager thinks I should write an autobiography because I’m so wise.
Me, laughing uncontrollably.
Austin: It’s because I know what a merkin is.
You don’t want to know what this is.
Then he told me how impressed they were that he had so much knowledge of underwear.
Austin: It’s because guys try to search for banana hammocks. They’re call string bikini thongs for men.
Me, shaking my head.
Austin: Look, my boss called me wise. You can’t take that away from me.
Me: A wise *&^# maybe.

Dishes

Yesterday, Me: How are you going to make my dreams come true today?
Austin: I’m going to wash dishes.
Me: Really?
I was very happy, since I thought it was my turn.
Today, dishes still not washed. I was bored, so I washed them. Austin came in as I was washing and hugged me.
After, I went upstairs.
Austin: You’re amazing.
Me: I know. The mystery is why I still put up with you.

Cooking Class

Austin: I’m so excited. We’re going to have a cooking class.

Me: Two.

Austin: We’re going to be so awesome after this.

Me: We’ll be able to take on those chefs on Cutthroat Kitchen.

Opinion

So I asked Austin how he liked some of the grooming I’d done.
Austin: It’s nice.
Me: Good. Because I don’t think it’s going to get any better than that.
Austin: I don’t know why you ask me if you’re not going to listen to my opinion.
Me: It’s what women do.

Creeps

Austin was staring at me. So I glanced up at him, expecting him to tell me why he was staring. But he just kept staring. Another minute went by.
Austin, finally: I’m giving you just the slightest hint of a smile.
Me: You’re giving me the creeps.

It Sucks To Be Me

Austin was singing, "It sucks to be me" from Avenue Q.

Me: It doesn't suck to be you. You've got it pretty good.

Austin: I'm balding.

Me: No, you're not.

Austin: My forehead's getting bigger. My brain isn't.

Me: You've got me there.

Layers

Austin was talking about an app, Procreate, that's an artist app.

Austin: X said to work in layers.

Me: That’s what they say about offices with air conditioning.

Austin: You’re funny, kind of.

Me: You’re definitely funny. In the wrong way.

Driving

Austin, Mom and I were on our way home after lunch. We got stuck behind this old car that was going 5-10 miles below the speed limit. The car was weaving and a guy in the backseat had his arm hanging out the window and we were making several comments about it.
Austin: You can tell that the driver is an old guy and you can see his handicap sticker hanging from the mirror. He needs to stop turning his head to talk to the old lady sitting next to him in the passenger seat.
Me, from the passenger seat in our car: Careful, Austin. One day that will be you. You’ll be driving and I’ll be the old lady yapping at you. You know how I yap. Wait until I’m that lady’s age. That guy doesn’t have any choice.
Austin: I don’t need to turn my head and weave all over the road. I can reach across the passenger seat, open the door, push you out and keep my eyes on the road. All at the same time.

My &(#

I was working in the yard and didn’t get much done, but some weeds had grown up the side of the house and I had to go up and down the ladder a lot to pull them out.
Me: Damn, my *&#^ hurts.
Austin: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

SMH.

Blatantly Lie

Austin: I love you. You're so beautiful.

Me: I never trust you when you blatantly lie to me like that.

Breakfast for Dinner

Austin & I decided to have breakfast for dinner.
Austin: I don’t think I want hash browns anymore. I think that would be too much food. And I want sand dollar pancakes. I want my eggs over easy.
Me: I’ve never made eggs over easy.
Austin: Sunny side up is fine. I just like the yolks runny.
Me: Do you want two pieces of bacon?
Austin: I want THREE pieces of bacon.

Internet

Me: I'm going to turn off the internet unless you have a good reason for me to leave it on.

Austin: No. I have dark and sinister reasons for you to leave it on.

Password

Me, after work: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm sick of typing Emun Elliott's name.

Austin: Why?

Me: I made him my password at work.

The following day, Me: I changed my password.

Because I haven't posted a pic in a while.

Juicy Orange

Me: You got a package from Juicy Orange. I've been wondering all day what you bought from Juicy Orange.

Austin: Well, I'm not going to open it now. It might be something I got for you.

Me, peeling from the room: Fine.

Austin: Just kidding. I didn't get you anything.

So I punched him in the arm.

Austin: You don't deserve it.

So I punched him again.

Choir Concert

Austin & I had a choir concert to go to yesterday. We needed to leave at 1:45 to be on time. So at 1:43, I went to get Austin up. I sat on the bed, checked the time. 1:47.

Austin: I'm trying to get up.

Me: You're failing miserably.

Patience

Austin and I had a "fight" over patience. He said I wasn't patient. I said I was. Keep in mind we were laughing the whole time. So I got the dictionary and looked up patience, four definitions:
1. The quality or habit of enduring without complaint. Austin felt the need to point out without complaint. OK, so I complain about everything.
2. The exercise of sustained endurance and perseverance. I'm definitely that one.
3. Forbearance toward the faults or infirmities of others. I laughed out loud when I read that one. So that's a nope.
4. Tranquil waiting or expectation. So yeah. Austin said, that's pretty much the first one . . .

So two yes & two no. We called it a tie.

Salad

Austin pulled out lettuce, bacon bits and cheese.

Me: A salad sounds good to me too.

Austin: In general, I find salads don't sound like anything at all, because they don't talk.

&*(#^

Austin was giving me grief about this TV show.

Me: Why are you being such an *(#^? Never mind, forget I asked.

Chestnuts

I've been eating chestnuts and have ruined my nails cracking the bad boys open, so I was looking for articles on how to make peeling chestnuts easier.

Me, panicked: Oh my gosh! This article says you can't eat chestnuts raw. They're poisonous. They have to be cooked.

Austin: So?

Me: I've been doing it wrong for forty-three years!

Austin: Don't be so hard on yourself. You haven't eaten chestnuts your whole life. You probably started eating them when you for five or six. So that's only thirty-five years.

Wood Glue

Austin: I have six more packs of tofu to eat. I didn't like the last one. I'm afraid I won't like the other ones either.

Me: Don't worry. They probably taste like paste.

Austin: Well, that's fine. But what if they taste more like rubber cement? Eau d'Elmer's? That one has a definite scent of wood glue.

Control

Austin: I'm giving you control of my phone.

Hands over his iPhone.

Austin: Because I trust you.

Me: I thought it was because I control everything else.

Tofu

Austin was eating some tofu.
Austin: You want to try this? It tastes like paste.

Reception

Austin: It’s going to get up to 88 degrees today. That means the reception is going to be topless.
Austin then struts his tubby tummy and pasty white chest for me.
Austin: Informal reception. Dress comfortably.
Me: I’ve still got a lot of work to do on that floor. I’ll have to call Chris and tell her I can’t make it to the reception.

It's Amazing!

This is one of those things that few of you will relate to. And yet, I can’t help but share. Austin got a D&D book, the Yawning Portal.
Austin: Look at that map! It’s amazing!
Me: Look at that map. Look. At. That. Map. It’s amazing!
Both of us: Look at that map. Look. At. That. Map. It’s amazing!

Austin & I will break into this song at any given time.

Hot

Austin’s room has air conditioning. The rest of the house doesn’t. I left, then came back.
Me: It’s pretty hot out there.
Austin: That’s because I’m so cool. I’m cold as ice. Ice, ice, baby.

Bat

We had a bat in the house last night. We lost track of her and went to bed.
Me: But we’ll be prepared this time. We’ll get her tonight.
Austin: That sounds so ominous. Are we gonna use torches and pitchforks? Paint symbols on the wall to cast off demons? Where’s Sam and Dean when you need them?

Said bat, released at 1:00.

Coats

We just moved the fridge so I can paint the corner.
Me: That will give me just enough time to do a coat tonight. Then I’ll do a coat in the morning.
Austin: I don’t know. It’s pretty hot. I think you should do a T-shirt.

Shower Curtain

I currently have cat shower curtains hanging as drapes in the pantry. Since Austin & I are updating the house, I automatically started browsing shower curtains again. I picked these.
Austin: You can't hang shower curtains like curtains. It makes us look like hippies.
I don't know how he could live here for six years and not tell me that having the cat shower curtains in the pantry make me a hippy.

Guanabana

Austin and I got this juice this week, guanabana mandarin. All week, I’ve had to listen to Austin singing, “Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo. Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.”

TSA Flight Security

Have you flown lately? Well, yes, I flew to France. Prior to that, I hadn't been on a plane for three years. So I was brushing up on my luggage restrictions. Seriously, I don't even have to embellish this.

Good to know the TSA will let me bring my antlers.
Antlers

Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes

You may transport this item in carry-on or checked bags. For items you wish to carry on, you should check with the airline to ensure that the item will fit in the overhead bin or underneath the seat of the airplane.

Artificial Skeleton Bones

Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes

And I can bring my skeleton bones!

Axes and Hatchets

Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes

And I can bring my axes and hatchets, but they can't be in my carry-on luggage.Murder will have to wait for the destination.

Bear Bangers

Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: No

I don't even know what bear bangers are, but you're not allowed to have them.

https://www.tsa.gov/.../security-screening/whatcanibring/all Seriously, just read this. It's hysterical.

https://outdoors.stackexchange.com/questions/8261/how-effective-are-pen-launcher-bear-bangers-compared-to-bearspray