Surgery Cancelled Continued

It's a good thing I'm in good health, because this medical &^%# is killing me. I sobbed for 1/2 an hour today on Austin’s shoulder. After I calmed down.

Austin: You’re right. You’re very good at fake crying.

After a half hour of copious tears and getting snot all over him, I was insulted by this observation.

Austin: I'm just saying. A week ago or so ago, you were fake crying and I blew you off. I’m pretty good at knowing when you’re faking or when you’re sincere. Next time you’re faking, I’m going to do a double take. Just to be sure.

Surgery Cancelled

Me via text: My surgery was just cancelled. I feel like crumpling into a ball of tears. I wish you were here so I could hug you. I love you so much and appreciate your support.

Austin's text re work: I love you and appreciate all of your support two [he dictates to Siri. I get these errors all the time]. I also need a hug desperately. Got into another argument this morning with my manager, and then he told me to go talk to his manager about it, so I did that and had a heated discussion with him also. Now I just feel like I'm shaking and grinding my teeth down to the bone.

A minute later, Austin: Plastic, whatever.

The Big Day

Today is the Big Day!!!! It's Emun Elliott's Birthday!!!

Wine is for . . .

Me: I was going to open a bottle of exotic pop, but I guess I won't.
Austin: We can still open the pop.
Me: But you've already got cranberry juice and wine.
Austin: Wine is for sipping.
Me, the look.
Austin: You're looking at me like I'm crazy.
Me: You are crazy.

Partner Up

Austin: X at work was talking about how she’s finally settled and she’s looking to partner up. You know, she’s got the apartment, the job, she’s on top of her bills. She feels like she’s ready to have a relationship.
Me: Uh-huh.
Austin: I remember feeling like that, about eight years ago, having the stable job, paying bills, had my apartment.
Me: Eight years ago?
Austin: Nine or ten.
Me: Try again.
Austin: Eleven?
Me: Eleven and a half, but I'll take it.
Austin: And really, I was just sad and alone and wanted to be in a relationship.
Me: And then I came along.

Hit the Bathroom

Austin: I’m going to hit the bathroom before we leave.
Me: What did that bathroom ever do to you?

Gifts

Yesterday, I got Austin a pigs & taters bar *his favorite* and he ignored it. Today I got Austin a packet of 6 glow rings (Halloween clearance). And he just tossed them aside.
Me: I’m gonna stop buying you things.
Austin: You say that a lot.
Me: One day I’m going to mean it.

A Walk

Me: I’m going to go for a walk.
Austin: If you give me two shakes, I’ll join you.
So I wiggled my rear twice.

Scents

My favorite scented oil merchant is closed for the next two weeks due to illness. I had a little tantrum over it. But Austin didn't care.
Austin: I don't really need any scents.
Me: I beg to differ. You desperately need sense.

Recycling

Austin told me he had a lot of recycling and asked if he could take it with us and dump it at the recycling center on our way out. So I said sure. He comes down the steps with four bags of recycling!

Me: Good lord, that's a lot of recycling.

Austin: Yes. Except for the good lord part. The good lord isn't recyclable.

Visit the Deli

I wanted to stop past the local deli and pick up some chicken.

Me: It's been close to two weeks. If I don't stop, they'll forget what I look like.

Austin: They might forget how you look, but not how you sound.

Austin made a squawking noise. I punched him.

Parmesan Chicken

Austin ate out at Melts with his friends. While I stayed at home and enjoyed a quiet evening.

Me: I made Parmesan chicken. Turned out really nice and juicy. It wasn't like your Parmesan chicken.

Austin gives me a look.

Me: I used a different recipe.

Austin: Nice save.

Party Pain

Austin and I had a party to go to on Saturday and my fibroid pain was particularly bothersome, but we hadn't seen this particular set of friends in two years, so we agreed to make an appearance. I put on a brave face. As the evening wore on . . .

Friend X: Rachel, are you okay?

Me, snapping out of it.

Friend X: You look like you're in pain.

Me: Nah. He's just next to me [hugging Austin]. I bring him with me all the time.

Choir

Austin's friend has a choir performance and we were getting ready for it.

Austin: I support X's choir activities. I'm really proud of her for continuing to sing post-university. I should be against it because her choir practices are the same time as our dungeons and dragons get-togethers but I’m not.

Bowl Continued

Austin: You posted my bowl on Facebook?
Me: Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny. So did my friends.
Austin: You know, that's not the only bowl in my closet.
Me: I can't post that on Facebook.

Bowl

Me: Why do you have a bowl in your closet?

Austin: Because we're not doing anything with it.

Me, perplexed.

Austin: I figured since we're not using it, I can keep it in there.

Me: That's not the Goodwill closet [where we store things to donate to thrift stores].

Austin: I know.

Me: So why do you have it there again?

Austin: Do you want me to keep it somewhere else?

Me: Well, generally, we keep bowls in the kitchen. But if you want to keep it there, you're right. We have plenty. We don't need it.

 

 

Adam Ruins Death

Austin and I have been watching Adam Ruins Everything. We just watched the death episode. And, well, there's less than a one percent chance that surgery could kill me, but . . .

Me, going over to Austin and sitting down next to him: When I die, I don't want a funeral or anything. Just cremate me. I mean, if I die young, maybe have a wake here [at home].

Austin: I was planning on pretending you were alive several weeks after your death to throw off suspicion. I was going to take your face, wear it like a death mask. Sound like you [squawking noise-I hit him].

Me: You'll have to learn how to use Facebook.

Austin: Yeah, that'll suck. But I'll do it. Now, for my tomb, I want gold. Solid gold, not plated. And I want Indiana Jones level booby traps.

Vinegar and Molasses

So, I have fibroids and two of them are the size of grapefruit. My uterus is consistent with the size of a woman pregnant 25 wks. I've been calling the pair the twins. I've had an ultrasound, an MRI, an endometrial biopsy . . .

Me: Oh my god! Bubby, look! Vinegar and Molasses cures fibroids! What was I thinking? I could have saved thousands of dollars.
Austin: Call the doctor!
Me: Cancel my surgery at the end of the month.

Chorizo

Chorizo was the freebie at Kroger, so Austin and I were making plans for how we were going to handle the ingredient for dinner.

Austin: I think tacos or tortilla are the obvious ones.

Me: I'd rather do tacos.

Austin: I think tacos too. I mean, you can only do one thing with tortillas.

Me: That sounded suggestive.

Austin: What?

Me: You can only do one thing with tortillas.

Austin: Like what? You mean [making a jerk-off gesture with his hand].

Me: You're the one that said it suggestively.

Austin: Ooo, yeah! That's why the guys at our favorite Mexican restaurant are so happy all the time. 'Hey guys, tortillas are ready! Ole!'

Christmas Gifts . . ,

So, Austin was running some Christmas gift ideas by me. This year, he wants to do homemade Christmas gifts.

Austin: We make detergent and fabric softener at home ourselves all the time. I was thinking we could make that for Christmas gifts this year. Dress it up a little, add fragrances. Some of our friends and family would really appreciate that.

Me: Don't ever get me detergent or fabric softener for Christmas.

Austin: Well, I know who isn't getting anything for Christmas this year.

Inversion Table

Austin: WOW! They have an inversion table for only $80!
Me: If I can use it as a torture device, I'll consider it.

Eraser

Me, showing off a purchase I’d made several years ago: I forgot about this. Ain’t it cute?
Austin: Waste of money.
Me: Nineteen cents.
Austin: And space.
Me: I’ve had the solution all along. I’ve been begging people to take you off my hands for years and here I could have gotten rid of you ages ago. [Rubbing it at him] Erase you.

Later:

I was making quinoa and had timer set on the microwave. Austin came in, decided to make an organic quinoa bowl frozen dinner, reset the microwave and put the bowl in the microwave. I snatched up the eraser and scrubbed it over him.

The Cat and the Pitcher

Me: I just put that stuffed cat there to get it out of the way, but now I kind of like it, peeking around the pitcher, cute little eyes, sparkly puffballs. It's a bluish gray so it matches.
Austin: I'd like it better without the puffballs.
Me, frowning.
Austin: They look like fuzzy, sparkly testicles on his face.
AND, eye roll.

Matching Underwear

Austin: Oh my gosh! They’re a matching set. The one has a sperm design. And look at them, they’re standing outside. I hope their socks match too. Who would take that photo and think they’re going to sell those? Do you want those? Wouldn’t you like to be like those guys? No!

Fuzzy, Sparkly

Me: I just put it there to get it out of the way, but now I kind of like it.

Austin: I'd like it better without the puffballs.

Me, frowning.

Austin: They look like fuzzy, sparkly testicles on his face.

AND, eye roll.

Star Wars

A month or so ago Austin announced this.

Austin: The new Star Wars is on Netflix.
Me, blank stare.
Austin: Episode Eight.
Still blank.
Austin: It’s OK, it’s the one we just saw.
I glance at the screen to see what he’s talking about.
Me: Oh. I thought you were talking about Star Trek. I get those two confused sometimes.
Austin: And yet I still love you.

Wedding

Me: X couldn’t make it to his sister’s wedding because he had plans, but it was a second wedding. Very low key. Sort of like me and Austin’s.
Mom: We didn’t think you and Austin were going to get married.
Me: It was touch and go for a while.
Mom: It’s still touch and go.

Paint

Austin & I officially bought the paint for the kitchen.
Austin: Don’t forget to charge me half for the paint.
Me: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. In fact, I’ll charge you an arm and a leg for it.
Austin: Don’t charge me too much. I only have two of each. Besides, I pay for being in this marriage anyway.

Chicken Breast

Me, as we’re driving past our favorite meat market: $1.49 a pound for chicken breast.
Austin: It’s probably bone-in chicken breast.
Me: We’ll stop on our way home and see.
Austin, who was driving: Maybe we will and maybe we won’t.
Me: We’re stopping on our way home.
Austin: Well, okay, just remember to tuck and roll after you open your door.

Rare Form

I was telling Mom some of the stuff Austin has been saying lately.
Mom: He's in rare form.
Me: He's always in rare form.