Unfortunate

Me, opening a fortune cookie: Agh! No fortune. I feel violated. [Opening a second fortune cookie, screams] No fortune in this one either.
Austin: Unfortunate.

General Tso's

Austin: The broccoli in my general tso’s wasn’t very good.
Me: I’m sorry.
Austin: It’s all right. I don’t know if it was that general tso’s or it’s general tso’s in general.

Me: It's general tso-tso?

Cupcakes Again

I promised my team cupcakes, so as soon as I got home, I started whipping up the cake batter. I had muffin tins down and had papers in them. Then Austin came home.
Austin: What time did you get home?
Me: 5:30
Austin, looking at the clock: You did all that in nine minutes?
Me: I also took the dog out.

Dream

Austin rarely comes to my room, but I hadn’t gone to his, so there comes a little knock and he slips in.
Austin: Last night, I dreamt I went to work and all I had on was a towel around my waist. I forgot that was all I had on and sat down at my chair and I spread my legs wide open and exposed myself. So then I apologize to the girl next to me. And she said it’s fine. Ted does it all the time.
Me: Well, it’s about vulnerability and exposing yourself and embarrassment.
Austin: I have to take a shower now.
He was in his bathrobe and had a towel over his arm. I went over and hugged him.
Austin: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Austin: I just wanted to tell you before I forget.
Me: That you love me?
Austin: The dream.

Honey

I’ve had a sore throat lately and have been leaving the honey out. I was making some soothing tea and was searching the counters.
Austin: What are you looking for?
Me, rasping out: Honey.
Austin reaches into the cupboard, where the honey belongs, and hands me the bottle.
Austin, a moment later: What I meant to say [he points at himself].

Hoarse

I was refilling my mug so I could make tea. I had a sore throat and tulsi tea is the only thing that helps. Austin was patiently waiting for me so he could rinse off his teeth. I was done, then saw, no, I didn’t quite get my mug filled. So I push him aside and put my mug back under the faucet.
Me: Sorry, I’m just so hoarse. Or frog. Or kitty cat.
Austin: Sounds like a$$ to me.
Me, swatting him: No, my a$$ is right here.

Getting Old

While eating out, Austin was swilling his cherry coke.
Austin: I’m getting old.
Me: Getting? Bubby, you’re already there.
Austin: If I throw this on you, they’ll give me a free refill.

Playing on the Phone

One of our friend's kids was playing with his phone. He called Austin. The first time, Austin answered and talked to the kid for a few minutes, joked with him and laughed. Then he told this five year old kid he had to go and hung up. Immediately after, the kid called back. Austin hung up without so much as a hello. I start cracking up, howling with laughter.
Austin: Was that mean?
Me: No. But it was a sure sign that we shouldn’t have kids.

Bathroom

Austin and I were walking and noticed my mother in her front yard. She headed into the house just as we were getting there. I called out to her, but she didn’t hear me. Then I knocked on several windows, but no response.
Austin: She’s already inside. We’ve missed her.
Me: Or she’s doing something crazy like going to the bathroom.
Austin: That’s right. It’s crazy, going in the house, using a toilet to go to the bathroom. Me, I like to go outside, start spraying everything.

Ankylosing Spondylitis

We were watching a commercial for ankylosing spondylitis, for a drug to treat it.

Commercial: If you have fatigue, back pain or stiffness, you could have ankylosing spondylitis. Contact your doctor and ask about treatment with X drug.

Austin: I have back pain and fatigue. I could have ankylosing spondylitis. I should contact my doctor. I don't have to get X drug. I bet I could get a prescription for marijuana.

Me: You're married, so you've got all kinds of pain.

Austin: If the doctor's married, he'll give me a prescription instantly.

Murder

Austin is flipping through shows on Hulu and finds a murder show we hadn’t watched before. Homicide Hunter. So Austin & I start watching.
The detective says, “We start out with the most probable, then move out to least likely.”
Austin: I figure alien abduction or Cthulhu ceremonial sacrifice least likely.

D&D

Austin: D&D, blah, blah, blah, rambling, rambling, on and on. I was thinking about the mistakes I made in the last game. I mean, it’s more intuitive and less rule-like and I’m more rule based. And making so many mistakes, I realize, I’m not perfect.
Me: I could have told you that.

A Lot of S*&$

Austin & I were shopping for toilet paper. Usually we buy Charmin, but the price was $$$. So we compared some other brands.
Me: What do you think?
Austin: It’s up to you.
Me: You use as much as I do.
Austin: I don’t know. I put up with a lot of s*** out of you.

Trash

Austin: But you say I never wash dishes or put them away anyway.
Me: You never take out the trash either, but whatever.
Austin: I took the trash out last weekend.
Me: Really?
Austin: Yeah, really. I thought you would have noticed.
Me: I only notice when you take the trash out if I hand it directly to you.

Before He Cheats

Listening to Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats.
Austin: Would you do that to me, key my car and slash my tires?
Me: No. I’d hit you where it hurts. I’d burn your D&D books.

Birthday Cupcakes

I made cupcakes last night for a co-worker’s birthday. And I made a point of telling Austin that I had set aside a cupcake just for him.
Austin: Can I have my cupcake now?
Me: Well, you can. But I was letting them cool down so I could ice them with ganache.
Austin: I’ll wait.

Cupcakes

Debating about making cupcakes. So on FB, I took a poll. Do you think I should do tiramisu cupcakes or a vanilla cupcake filled with strawberry and topped with chocolate ganache whipped cream? I had two boths and the rest said chocolate and strawberry.

Me: I hate to tell you this, but everyone voted for the strawberry chocolate cupcake. A few voted both, but everyone who chose a side chose the strawberry chocolate.
Austin: Well, it’s a good thing my vote means so much more than everyone else’s.

Vanquish Monsters

Austin had a spider in his room and he kept calling me to get it, but every time I’d come, the spider would be gone. Finally, the spider escaped and Austin returned to his regularly scheduled gaming session. He decided to make his character look like me, but alas, his PS4 overheated and he moved on to watching Voyager. I headed off to bed.
Austin, kissing me goodnight: I’m sorry I couldn’t make you vanquish any monsters tonight.
Me: Oh trust me, you tried.

Virginia

Austin & I were having a spat, so I threatened to run away to Virginia with my boss (whom I've been having a "clandestine affair" with). He's in Ohio temporarily for a project.
Me: He's going back to Virginia this weekend and I'm going with him. We can continue our romance and I can visit my friend Kirsten as often as I'd like.
Austin: Tell Kirsten I don't give you permission.
Me: I do what I want.
Austin: Just tell her.

Oreos

The reality of my life: I didn’t have a coin to flip, so I took apart an Oreo cookie. Heads (chocolate side), I wear a skirt. Tails (cream side), I wear pants. Cream side, pants.

Live Wire

My boss called me a live wire. I told this to Austin.
Austin: You know, he’s right.
So I told my boss that my husband agreed with him.
Boss: Your husband is a smart man.
Me: You’ve never met him.

Something Stupid

Austin: I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.

Me: You will.

Better

Austin: You make me a better person.
Me: I agree.

Asparagus

Me: We have asparagus, so we need to get that eaten.
Austin: I’ll make the chicken and you can take care of the asparagus.
Me: You just wet a paper towel—
Austin: I know, but I don’t know how long to put in the microwave.
Me: Two minutes.
Austin: Then it won’t take you long to do it.

Dinner

Me: I made dinner last night, so you can make dinner tonight.
Austin, reaching into the freezer and pulling out a Hot Pocket: Sure. I’ll eat this half and you can have that half.

Some obscene gestures and inappropriate spousal abuse.

Hummus Pancakes Return

Since Austin psyched me out with the hummus, I decided to make pancake batter myself.
Me: I have made real pancakes, not the fake pancakes you left in the fridge.
Austin: It wasn’t fake pancakes. It was hummus. It wasn’t trying to be pancakes. You made a mistake.
Me: Bah hummus bug.

Typical Woman

Tink hissed at Mouse.
Me: Tink, stop. You’re fine.
Austin: She’s been hissing at him all morning.
Me: I don’t get it. Most of the time, she’s fine with him and they’ll cuddle up together. Other times, she hisses at him.
Austin: Typical woman.

Hummus Pancake

This morning, while getting ready for work, I noticed a storage container in our fridge with beige stuff in it. I was so excited, I fired up the burner, grabbed a frying pan and prepared my taste buds. Then I took the lid off the container.
Me: Oh. That’s awfully thick.
Sinking feeling in my stomach. I dip a spoon in. Gloom gathers around me.
Me, texting Austin: I thought you left pancake batter in the fridge. Imagine my surprise when I prepared to make breakfast.
Then thunderous clomping down the steps and Austin storms into the kitchen.
Austin: Did you really make a hummus pancake?

I should have thrown it at him.

You're Weird

Austin: I got this black bean hummus from X. It's really good. Try it.

Me: Nah.

Austin: You ate hummus at your friend's house.

Me: Yeah. It was good.

Austin: You should eat this because it's good for you.

Me: I don't eat things just because they're good for me.

Austin: Yes, you do.

Me: No, I don't. I eat things I like.

Austin: You're into things that are good for you.

Me: Look, hummus is like avocado. I don't particularly like it, but I don't dislike it either.

Austin: So you're weird. Which I knew before.

Painting

And I'm working on the pantry floors.

Me: And I’ve got to mop the floor tonight so it can dry by morning, then I can paint it so it will be dry enough by the time you get home tomorrow.
Austin: Don’t worry about it.
Me: If I don’t get it done, you’ll have to go around to the front door.
Austin: So I’ll go around to the front.
Me: It’s just a pain in the ^&#%.
Austin: Well, look what I married.

It’s amazing he’s still alive.

Halloween is Coming Up!

Austin's working on his Halloween costume.

Me: You’re scarier without the mask.