Whole Life

Austin was in bed when I got home from work. And he was still in bed when I went up to check on him at 7:00. And he was still in bed when I checked on him at 8:30. But then he finally got up.
Austin: I’m sorry I didn’t spend more of the evening with you.
Me: We’re married. You’re going to spend your whole life with me.
Austin: Wow. I was trying to say something sweet. And you just turned it into this ominous threat.
Me: That’s what I’m here for.

Dying

Austin is having fun dying clothing this weekend. Part of his dying antics included a kitchen rag that I won from JCP. I never win anything, so this towel was near and dear to me. Now it’s kind of grayish.
Me: I don’t appreciate you dying my towel.
Austin: It’ll be fine. We’ll eventually replace it.
Me: I won that towel.
Austin: You won me.
Me: You are a booby prize.

Orchestral Pie

Me: The sound system says this is Orchestral Pie. I wonder what that tastes like.
Austin: It’s kind of stringy.

Community Property

I accidentally turned on the oven without checking to see if there were any items inside. Unfortunately, I melted the plastic packaging on some rolls.
 

Austin: See, when I do things like that, you complain endlessly. But when you do things like that, I just let it slide.
Me: Because I own this house and you will be living on the street if you give me flack.
Austin: You and I divided the bill on this oven, so I own half this oven. If you kick me out, I’m taking half the oven with me. I claim the left side.
Me: The side I melted the plastic on?
Austin: Yes, but it’s also the side with the oven controls. So while you will have half the oven, I will be the one who can turn it on.

Face Palm

Austin: I’m going to make some tea. Would you like some?
Me: It’s always nice to have tea.
Austin: It’s always nice to have you. And V. 

Bored

I’m bored and trapped in my house. Rain is pouring down outside. I put on my shoes.
Austin: What are you going to do?
Me: I don’t know. Tromp around the house since I can’t go anywhere.
Austin: Well, I’ve got a suggestion, if you want to do something.
I immediately think, he better not remind me that I need to wash the dishes.
Austin, yanking out this old, hair-covered comforter with a yard-long tear in the seam: You could sew this.
Me: Thanks.

Cookie Brittle

Austin was making something call cookie brittle so I went down to see how it was going. The slab was out of the oven, cooling on the counter. Me, my nose hovering over the dessert.
Me: When are we cutting into it?
Austin: It’s not ready.
Me: It looks done to me.
Austin: You have to wait for it to completely cool. It says so on the directions.
Me: Where’s the man that I married?

Hot #&*@

For Austin's birthday, we got a couple of filet mignons. I stood patiently while Austin was at the microwave, blocking the cupboards.

Austin: What do you want?
Me: I want to get in that cabinet to get a frying pan. I don’t know how else you think I’m going to be able to fry these filets.
Austin: You could fry them on that hot a$$ of yours.

In the spirit of his birthday, I didn’t point out that he was my hot a$$.

Happy Anniversary!!!!!

Happy Anniversary to the Best Husband Ever!!!! 

It’s not my husband, but there’s a fantastic husband out there having an anniversary and I just want to make sure he knows I want it to be great.

Emoji

I made my emoji.
Austin: You can’t have that as your emoji.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
Austin: You look like an old lady.
Me: I am old.
Austin: I’m not saying it doesn’t look like you. I’m saying you don’t have to make yourself look like an old lady.

Girth

My waist has grown excessively and I’m very distressed by it.
Me: I’m fat.
Austin: You’re not fat.
Me: My tummy is huge. Look at it. [Lifting my shirt] look at it! It’s awful. My girth is the worst.
Austin: Do you need a Peloton?
Me: You know exactly the right thing to say.

Earl Grey

Austin & I were at World Market this afternoon and I grabbed two boxes of Earl Grey.
Austin: Are you sure you want to get two boxes? Without a coupon or a sale?
Me: We have a coupon, 15% off.
Austin: Really?
Me: Yes. I told you in the car. Weren’t you listening to me?
Austin: Listen to you? That’s crazy talk.

Birthday

Austin: I’m taking my birthday off. It’s a Monday.
Me: I know. Leah’s birthday is Easter, so yours would be the following day.
Austin: Yeah, I put in for it to be off.
Me: I’m not putting in for it off.
Austin: That’s fine. It’s just our thirteen year anniversary. I’ll celebrate it by myself.

Pepper Mill

The pepper mill was being persnickety. I was grunting and fussing with it. Then I tried to put more peppercorns into it.

Austin: The pepper was being fussy for me earlier too. I had to loosen the top to get any pepper to come out of it. Now the can opener, that is everything I dreamed it would be.
Me: I’m astounded by your dreams.

Sew, Sew Much

Me: I love you so, so much.
Austin: I love you. Knit, knit much.
Me, kind of wincing.
Austin: I also love you crochet, crochet much.

Free, free to anyone willing to take him.

Obituary

The older my mom gets, the more obsessed with dying she is. And the more critical of obituaries she is...

Mom: When I die, don’t put any lies in my obituary, like “she was surrounded by her loving family.”
Me: We probably won’t have any part of your obituary. We’ll probably be in jail, under suspicion of murder.
Austin: We’ll be singing, “Ding dong, the witch is dead.”

Flashback

The great thing about streaming is discovering fantastic shows from a decade or so ago. We're currently watching Dresden Files.
The show had a flashback and a date was posted: 1982.
Austin: 1982?
Me: I was 7.
Austin: I wasn’t born yet. I wasn’t even a twinkle in my father’s eye yet.
Me: You were never a twinkle in your father’s eye.
Austin: No. I was that funny looking mole.

D&D

We’re watching Scooby Doo. This particular episode is doing a spoof on D&D, calling it C&C. Shaggy is talking about playing C&C by himself.
Austin: That’s not possible. You can’t play C&C alone.
Me: You’re complaining about the accuracy of a show that features a talking dog? 

Quinoa

Austin, while making dinner: Will you get me the little grainy things down out of the cupboard?
Me: Quinoa?
Austin: Yeah. I couldn’t remember what it was called. I keep wanting to call it couscous, but I know that’s not right. So I don’t want to call it that.
Me: Little grainy things is much better.
Austin: I’m glad you agree.

iPhone

Me: One thing I hate about my phone. Sometimes it won’t open. I have to swipe it, shake it, then maybe it will open.
Austin: I just make it look at my face.
Me: That’s one way to threaten it.

Touche

Austin: I love you more than all the sand on the beach and in the ocean.
Me: I love you more than all the stars in the galaxy, the universe, the heavens above.
Austin: I love you more than all the lies you’ve told me.
Me: Touché.

I Love You As Much As Possible

Austin: I could never tell you how much I love you.
Me: I know you don’t have the mental prowess to express your feelings eloquently. I accept that shortcoming in you.
Austin: You *&**#$

Schubert's Unfinished Symphony

Austin had Classical 101 playing on our Google assistant. All he listens to is classical music. And Book of Mormon.

Austin: It's amazing how many unfinished symphonies there are. Every morning, Classical 101 features a different unfinished symphony. Schubert's is the most famous, but a lot of composers had unfinished symphonies. Because it's the most famous, everyone thinks of Schubert.
Me: No, everybody does not.

NAACP

Austin was making some stir fry with battered chicken. But as he was frying the chicken, it was getting burned. It looked kind of scary.

Me: If that chicken gets any blacker, we're going to have to call the NAACP.

Austin: That's racist.

Me: What you're doing to that chicken is a hate crime.

Jonathan Firth

Emun Elliott isn't the only actor I care about ...

Me: I know you don’t care, but it’s Colin Firth’s brother’s birthday.
Austin: Colin Firth’s brother’s birthday!
Me: I don’t remember his name right this second. Jonathan Firth.
Austin: Oh no! Why didn’t I send him a birthday card?

Still Working from Home

Austin: I’m restless. I’m almost done with my list. I wondered if you wanted to go for a walk.
Me: Last I looked, it was raining out.
Austin, going to a window: You’re right.
He sighs listlessly and paces a moment.
Me: You could sit with me a bit and tell me how much you love me, how lucky you are to have me, how glad you are to live in this house.
Austin: Nah. I’ll just tell Trish I’m done and have her give me some more work.

If I Were A Medium..

Austin & I have been binge-watching Nancy Drew on the CW. A mediocre teen drama. The town is being haunted by a ghost, so they seek the help of a medium.
Austin: If I were a medium—
Me: As opposed to a large?
Austin: You &^#*

Felonies & Misdemeanors

Austin and I took another stab at Nancy Drew. It was hard, but...

Nancy Drew sneaked into this suspect's house. She's creeping around. Her inner monologue is talking about breaking and entering.

Austin: She's not breaking and entering. That's a felony. That comes with prison time and it won't be expunged from your record. She's trespassing. That's a misdeamenor.
Me, hand over my face: I'm so glad I married a man who understands the nuances of the legal system.

Gyros for Lunch

Austin: That was a good gyro and they gave me a lot. If it had been much bigger, I would have been bringing home gyros.

Me: There are no heroes in this car.

Nipple Coupling

This is a nipple coupling. Not what I pictured. It’s like 10 year old boys named all hardware parts.