Chocolate Catastrophe

Austin & I placed an order with World Market yesterday. They’ve got the best price on Cote D’Or chocolate. Unfortunately, they were out.

Me: I could order from World of Chocolate and it would cost $10 more dollars. Or I could order from Amazon and pay $25 more. Or I can forget the whole thing.

[Me pouting.]

Austin: We have plenty of chocolate. Cote D’Or is good chocolate, but it’ll be okay. We’ll get Cote D’Or again.

[Still pouting.]

Austin: Unless the factory burns down. Then it will take years to rebuild. And by then the ingredients will change and the bar will taste completely different. And you know, Yellowstone is supposed to blow and chocolate beans are the first thing to go—

I kicked him so hard he spilled his coffee.

Baby Corn

Austin: I think the vegetables need another minute to soften. It’s hard to bite through the baby corn if it’s not completely cooked.

Me: It’s so tough when you don’t have any teeth.

Austin: That’s right. I think I might take a couple of the baby corns and put them in my gaps and those will be my new teeth. What do you think?

Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Me, looking at the ice cream: I admit I’m confused by mint chocolate chip ice cream that isn’t green. 

Austin: Wuss. It's just food coloring.

 

A few days later, I opened the vanilla ice cream and found a big scoop of ice cream just sitting on top of the rest.

Me, scooping it out: What is this?

Austin: Why are you accusing me?

Me: Because the dog can’t get into the freezer.

Austin: You’re right. It was me. I thought it was the mint chocolate chip ice cream, then I realized there were not chocolate chips, so I put the scoop back.

Me: See? Mint chocolate chip ice cream is supposed to be green.

Garlic

Austin bought a large bulb of garlic.

Austin: Yum. This looks delicious. I can’t wait to take a great big bite, then kiss you on the lips.

Farmer's Market

Me: Do you think $20 is enough for the Farmers’ Market? We never really get much.

Austin: I’m going to get some herbs.

Me: I'm not taking care of any herbs for you.

Austin: I'm just getting them so I can watch them die. I like having control over life and death.

Rabbits

Me: Oh, there’s a rabbit. Isn’t he cute? Or she. It’s not like I know the sex.

Austin: I think it’s male. You always hear about jack rabbits. You never hear about Jill rabbits.

Electrical Work

Me: On Wednesday, I’m going to turn off the electric to the house while I’m replacing the lamp socket in the basement and I want you to hold the flashlight while I’m doing that, okay?

Austin: Yeah. I just think it’s funny you’re phrasing it as a question like I have any choice in it.

Tortillas

Austin: You know that package of tortillas I have in the fridge?

Me: Yeah.

Austin: I don’t think they’re any good.

Me: Then throw them out.

Austin: I want to use them to make a lace curtain. I think that’d be pretty in the bathroom.

Hard ^&#

Complaining about “going” to work this morning.

Me: Thank you for listening to me when I’m being a whiney baby.

Austin: That’s okay. That’s what I’m here for.

Me: That’s what I say to the test takers.

Austin: You’d do the same for me.

Me: You really think so?

Austin: Sure.

Me: I picture myself more like a hard *&^

Austin, reaching around and pinching: Nah.

Me: Thanks.

Face Palm

Austin called me over. His teeth were out.

Austin: Hey look! I can touch my nose with my tongue. Wait. That’s my mustache.

BMI

I went to the doctor's today. Not considering, I put my hair up in a bun on the top of my head. I'd post a selfie, but nobody wants that.

Me: I unintentionally added three-quarters of an inch to my height.
Austin, chuckling.
Me: I'm glad though. I unintentionally gained ten pounds. I needed something to balance it out.

Don't Go Breakin' My Heart

A loud clatter came from the kitchen.

Me: What are you breaking in here?

Austin: I’m not breaking anything.

Me: Don’t go breakin’ my heart.

Austin: I can’t. You’d have to have one for me to break it.

National Ice Cream Day

Me: Tomorrow is National Ice Cream Day.
Austin: We celebrate ice cream day everyday. Have you seen how much ice cream is in our freezer? We have five packages of ice cream right now.

Me: It's hot.

Austin: We have two types of vanilla. 

Schrodinger's Cookie

Austin: Did you eat the cookie I left for you in the microwave?

Me: Of course!

Austin: I haven’t opened the microwave to see. There may be a cookie in there. I don’t know.

Me: Trust me. I am the great-great-great granddaughter of a very honest man.

Austin: It’s like Schrodinger’s cookie. There both is and is not a cookie in the microwave. Until I open it, there may be a cookie in there.

Me: If there’s a cookie in this house, I’ve eaten it.

Alternative Religion

Austin and I were watching Star Trek: DS9, Ascension. A poet emerges after disappearing for 200 years, claiming to be the Emissary, a religious figure. A priest ends up killing another priest because of something the Emissary said.

Austin: That makes no sense. Just killing someone.

Me: The Emissary told him to do it. He’s a priest. Faith demands that he follows the Emissary.

Austin: I guess that would be easier. I wish God would just tell me what to do.

Me: I do.

Onion Sauce

Austin & I making dinner. Initially, chicken, quinoa and broccoli. Now chicken, quinoa and a strange onion sauce.

Me: I’m going to put the broccoli away.

Austin: Why? Do you think it’ll be too much?

Me: It just seems like onion sauce and broccoli don’t go together.

Austin: Onion sauce goes with everything. Ice cream. Pie.

Oculus Reprise

Austin: I thought you were posting a video of me playing Oculus. [Much relief that I wasn’t.]

Me: You already told me I’m not allowed.

Austin: I should trust you. But I don’t.

Oculus Again

I pushed past Austin.

Austin, playing Oculus: Hey, be careful. I’ve got a couple of guns here.

Me: Sure you do.

Austin: I don’t want you to get hit.

Me: That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that.
Austin: I don't want you to get hit by me.
Me: Oh, I thought you wanted that privilege to be exclusive.

Dinner

ME: I'm going to take trash up. Dinner's in the oven. It'll be ready in 30 minutes.

Austin: Okay. I'll watch the oven while you're gone.

Me: I don't think you'll need to. The oven is pretty big and it doesn't have legs.

Austin punched me.

Me: Hey! I was just saying what you'd say.

Austin: I know. I thought we were switching roles.

Glitter Continued

Austin: I remember what I dreamed now. It was you. And it came true.

Me, puking noises.

Austin: Is there glitter in it?

Glitter

Austin & I are both working.

Me: I got my new upbeat attitude with test takers from you.

Austin: I don’t know what you’re talking about. My energy has improved from listening to you.

Me, copying him: Fantastic! Excellent! Wonderful! Thank you so much!

Austin: Those are all things you say.

Me: I got it from listening to you.

Austin: If I tipped you upside down, glitter would coming out.

D&D

Austin: We didn’t have Jake for our campaign yesterday. We were Jake-less. He was celebrating his anniversary with Emily. Apparently his anniversary with Emily is more important than Dungeons and Dragons.

Me: Our anniversary had better be more important than Dungeons & Dragons.

Austin: It is. As long as it doesn’t fall on the same day.

Band Camp

This time last year, we were on week three of band camp. Who could have guessed that this year we'd be trapped in our house and missing that incessant noise.

Austin: I’m going to call the police. I’m going to be a nuisance caller. I’m going to complain to them every day. I’m going to hold out the phone. Can you hear that noise? I’m going to shake my fist. Damn kids.

Lentils

Austin: I love you so much. I love your sense of humor. I love being with you. And I love that sometimes, rarely, not very often, but every once in a while, you hint that you might be wrong. Not that I’m right, but that you could, might, possibly be wrong.

Me: I appreciate your understanding.

Austin: That’s right. And the lentil anniversary is coming up. I have it in my phone. “You were right about the lentils.” [Pointing at a remind on September 25th], Right there.

 

Hot Tea

Me: I don’t know how you can drink hot tea in this weather.
Austin: With my mouth.

Fan

Me: I’m going to go back to bed once you leave. Well, I mean your bed. My room’s sweltering. I’m surprised I slept as well as I did with my room being so hot and no fan.
Austin: I’m not a fan of that either.

Bank of America Commercial

There was a Bank of America commercial on. It was about making it through this tough time. It talked a lot about cracks. “All cracks are to let in the light.”
Austin: I have a crack in my &*#%. I’m pretty sure it’s not for letting in the light.

Bank of America Commercial

Stouffer's Lasagna

Austin: The Stouffer’s box said 1/8 of the tray is a ‘thoughtful’ portion. &^# that &*(#. I’m eating as much of this (*&*# as I want. 

Crack

Me: I threw out the measuring cup. It had a huge crack in it.
Austin: I have a huge crack and you haven’t thrown me out.
Me: Wait.

Untangling

Austin: I untangled the wind chime strings.
Me: I did that a couple of weeks ago.
Austin: My way is more effective. I used scissors.

A Little Smoked Salmon

Me: I thought smoked salmon was on sale 2 for $5; I almost called you and asked if you wanted to stock up, but I’m glad I didn’t, because I must have read the sign wrong. It rang up $8.49.
Austin: I wouldn’t want to stock up anyway. I’ve never really worked with it before. I’m not really sure what you do with it. I mean, I’d cut it thin, but it’s smoked, so you wouldn’t cook it. I don’t think you cook it.
I shrug.
Austin: I don’t think it needs cooked. It’s smoked. And besides, I’ve eaten raw salmon several times and look how I turned out.
Me, smug look on my face.
Austin: A little fishy.

Love, Love, Love

Me: Your support has been so wonderful. It has allowed me to become a better person and I can never thank you enough. I love you more than life.
Austin: I love you too. Remember that the next time you try to murder me.
Me: It won’t slow me down.