St: Voyager

 ST: Voyager. Harry Kim’s girlfriend says, “Harry, you’re starting to scare me.”

Austin, mimicking the actress: Rachel, you’re starting to scare me.

Me: Starting?

Ethel, No!

 Austin put our trays of tomato soup and salads right next to our cat Ethel. She immediately goes for the chicken in the salad. 

Me: Ethel, no. No. Ethel!

Austin comes back to the trays. He rescues his tray.

Austin: It’s okay.

Me: Now she’s going for mine.

Austin: I don’t care about that.

PD

 Me, explaining my glasses prescription to my husband.

Austin: So pupil distance, is that how far you can shoot lasers from your eyes?

Beard

 Me, while kissing: Ooo, keep your hair out of my mouth.

Austin: If you decide to grow a beard, I won’t complain.

Doctor

 Austin: I think I’m going to put off going to the doctor’s.

Me: You really ought to go. There’s all sorts of things that would show up on bloodwork.

Austin: Can’t you do it? You just take a knife and collect it in a baggie and send it in.

Neurology Appointment

 I’ve been having excruciating headaches and I’ve been arguing with myself about contacting a neurologist. I finally made the decision to make an appointment. And they can get me in in December.

Me: It’s a goodbye thing this isn’t an emergency. This will give me time to convince myself that these headaches are all in my head.

Austin: Well, even if it’s real, it is all in your head.

Magnesium Deficiency

 Austin has been craving nuts lately.

Austin: I don’t know why.

So I ask Alexa.

Alexa: Craving nuts is often a sign of magnesium deficiency…. Would you like a recipe for cashews?

Me: So you likely have a magnesium deficiency.

Austin: I probably had one when I got married too.

Headache

 Me: You don’t need this receipt for anything, right?

Austin: You can’t throw out that receipt. I love that receipt.

Me: I have a headache. I can’t put up with your sense of humor right now.

Austin, indicating himself: This can’t be turned off just because you have a headache.

Drowning

 While in the pool at the Y.

Austin: No matter how you threaten me, I don’t believe you’d actually drown me.

Me: I’m not that strong of a swimmer.

Chocolate or….

 Austin: If you could only have one or the other, would you choose tea or chocolate?

Me, incredulous: Chocolate.

Austin: I thought you took your tea very seriously.

Me: I do, but not more seriously than chocolate.

Austin: What about if you had to choose between all vegetables and chocolate?

Me: I think chocolate is technically a vegetable.

Austin: What about your pets and chocolate?

Me: Now you’re just getting ridiculous.

Austin: It’s supposed to be ridiculous. If you could only choose one…

Me: I’d find a way to have both. I’d leave the house to have chocolate, so it wouldn’t impact our pets.

Austin: I’d call you on your cell and give you a play by play.

And more and more things…And I always choose chocolate.

Me: I notice you aren’t asking me to choose between you and chocolate.

Sense of Smell

 Austin, who has lost his sense of taste and smell with COVID: I think I smell rice cooking.

Me: I don't know what you smell.

Austin, strolling into the kitchen and seeing I am in fact making rice: I am trying to test my sense of smell. Don't mess with me, woman.

Me: I was put on this earth specifically to mess with you.

Wine Bottle Opener

 Austin has a fancy wine bottle opener that he keeps in a cherrywood box. But he couldn’t get his wine bottle opened.

Austin: Do we have another bottle opener?

Me: I don’t know. We might still have that one that your mom made us get when we got married that one time.

Austin: When we got married that one time?

Me: Yeah, we got married once. We’re not doing that again.

Nespresso Machine

 Austin: I don’t know what to do about my Nespresso machine.

Me: Throw it out and replace it with something else.

Austin: I know. When Black Friday rolls around, I’ll get something.

Me: Black Friday is in November.

Austin: Yeah, but I can wait.

Me: But you’ll torture me until it’s replaced.

Austin: That’s right and I’ll give a heaving sigh every time I make coffee or take a sip.

Leftovers

 Austin’s leftovers. Austin: Can you take care of this? I appreciate it. Be sure to feed it and nurture it. It’s really a lifetime commitment.

Cucumbria

Austin: There are so many cucumbers outside that they want to secede from the United States and become their own nation.

Gas

 Me: Our gas bill is up this month. It’s almost twice our normal bill. I figure it’s because it’s our budget anniversary month.

Austin: I just figured it was because of all those tacos we ate this weekend.

Calcium

 I take calcium supplements. I was complaining about them.

Austin: Take a break from them. Soften your bones.

Me: Hard bones for a hard heart.

Austin: I want your bones soft. So it will look more like an accident when I push you down the stairs.

Breast Implant

 Austin: Look at this lone mushroom growing up in our yard. It looks like someone discarded a breast implant in our yard. 

Naked Feast

While defrosting chicken breasts, Austin makes some innuendos that are predictable. I growl at him.

Austin: I’m a naked feast of eye candy.

Me: I’m on a diet.

To-Do List

 I have a four-day weekend, so I have a long to do list. 

Me: I need to clean the drains and the toilets, I need to get into the yard and cut down the weeds. I also need to caulk the tub tonight while you’re gone. 

Austin: You’ll want to wash the dishes too.

Me: “Want” is the wrong description.

Catsup

 Me, as the fridge won’t close: I’ve tried everything to get the catsup to stand up in the door, but it keeps falling over. 

Austin: If you want to catch up to stand up, use tomato paste. 

Me, face palm: Ba-dum-dum.

Austin: I heard it from a reliable sauce.

The Ski Machine

 Austin: That ski machine is a $?!:%*. A heartless /%*!?. Just like you.

Me: I’ll talk to her.

Austin: No, ‘cause then the two of you will become friends.

Threats with Knives

 Our AI assistant asked if I would take a cross country cycling trip, so I said yes.

Austin: Yes? You wouldn’t make it across the state. I’d have to pick your carcass up before the vultures get you.

Me: I don’t need an electric knife. I can use one from the butcher’s block to stab you.

Austin: I used one from the block after the electric knife died. I cut the watermelon up all pretty and symmetrical. Not like you with a spoon, ripping its innards out.

Me: Like the psychopath gutting its victim.

Taking Out the Dog

 Me: I took Tess out.

Austin: Did you bring her back in? 

A minute later, Austin: Did you take her to dinner and a movie? Did you show her a good time?

Me: A better time than you would have.

Austin: Oh, ouch!

Watermelon

 After deciding the electric knife was dead, Austin put the cut up half of watermelon into a container.

Austtin: The other half won’t fit.

Me: You don’t leave the rind on.”

Austin: Yeah, you do, that’s what you hold onto when you eat it.

Me: You don’t have room in the container with the rind.

Austin: You get another container.

Like he doesn’t know the selection of containers in our cupboard.

Austin: What do you want me to do with the other half?

Me: I’ll take care of it.

Austin, mocking me: You break my grandmother’s 41 year old electric knife. You make a mess and complain about how I cut a watermelon. Get out of my kitchen.

I laughed the whole time he fake ranted.

My Grandmother’s Electric Knife

 My grandmother died in 1983. Sometime around 2000, my mother gave me her electric knife that had only been used a couple of times and was still in the box. I promptly put it in a cupboard and never used it. Fast forward to today.

Me: Since you complained about how I cut the watermelon up last time, I thought I’d let you do it this time.

Austin: I would, but we don’t have an electric knife.

Me: Yes, we do. It’s in the cupboard. I’ve never used it, but it still works.

We test it and it does indeed work.

Austin, after putting it together: I don’t think this is right. The button…

Me: The blade is upside down.

Austin: That’s not the right word. It’s… 

Yada yada. We flip the blade around.

Austin, after cutting up half the watermelon, starts to have trouble with the knife and takes the blade out, fools with it, puts the blade in.

Austin: I think I broke it.

More fooling around with the blade.

Me: The blade is upside down.

Austin: I still think that’s the wrong word. You want to use something else.

Me: I want to use that knife to stab you.

Strawberry Lemonade

Austin, putting a near-empty pitcher of strawberry basil lemonade into the fridge: I left enough so you could have the last little bit and then make some more.

Garden Hose

 Austin: I can’t wait to get my hose. 

Pause.

Austin: That sounds so bad when I say it out loud. 

Empty Space

 Austin, on his garden: Now that I’ve harvested the shallots, I have all this space I need to fill.

Me: you could just leave it empty. 

Austin: I hate empty space.

Me: what about all that space in your brain? 

Austin: it’s filled with thoughts of you. 

Freezer Scavenger Hunt

 Our freezer has been bursting with stuff lately. I opened it and found it was neat and clean.

Austin: I organized it . I also took a lot of stuff and hid it around the house. Like a scavenger hunt. I think you’ll find the fish first.

Heatwave

 Our kitchen was sweltering hot today, so I was looking at window fans.

Me: Forty to fifty dollars. I guess we don’t need one. We can always take the one that’s in my window and move it down to the kitchen while we’re cooking, then take it back upstairs.

Austin: Our we can have a water balloon fight or get some squirt guns.

An Unfortunate Face

 Me, looking at a picture of Austin and I: My hair looks pretty good, but I’m stuck with this face.

Austin, indicating his own visage: What about me? I look like Skeletor. From He-Man.

Me: I know who Skeletor is. You don’t look as good as he does.

Austin: That’s true. He has a nice body.

Beauty

 As I’m applying neck firming cream, Austin: I’ve already applied my nightly beauty treatment, as you can tell by my youthful appearance.

Me: By your immature behavior?

Serving Spoon

 Austin, rummaging through drawers.

Me: Are you looking for this serving spoon?

Austin: Yes. 

Me: I moved it to this drawer.

Austin, grumbling: Moving stuff around…

Me: You do it all the time.

Austin: Yeah, but when I do it, it makes sense.

Migraine Cause

 I’ve been having migraines and blurry vision lately, but today hasn’t been too bad.

Austin: Maybe you’ve been staring at your husband too much. Staring at me is like staring into the sun.

Me: I was going to compare it to Hell.

Austin: Well, Satan was God’s brightest son.

Quota

 Me: Have I told you enough that I love you today?

Austin: There’s not a quota and it’s still pretty early.

Life Insurance

 Austin: What do you think about these life insurance policies? Do you think it’s a good deal?

Me: I pay $200 a year for mine.

Austin, doing the math: That’s about what this costs. Do you think I should sign up for it? 

Me: It’s up to you.

Austin: Is it going to increase the likelihood that you’re going to murder me if I get this?

Me: I need you for thirteen more years.

Soap Nibbling

 Me: This bar of soap looks like someone nibbled on it.

Austin: That was me. I thought it was chocolate.

The Bunnies!

 Bunnies ravaged Austin’s garden while we were gone, so Austin got some netting to cover it.

Austin: I saw videos of bunnies climbing fences. Those bunnies are still going to come after my tomato plants. They’re going to develop smelting technology so they can build ladders and cut through the nets.

Happy Father’s Day

 Austin: Wow, look at how busy Home Depot is.

Me: Father’s Day. It’s stereotypical, but it’s true.

Austin: Well, I suppose if I picked it out, I would like a power tool. But I’d also like flowers. You didn’t do anything for me for Father’s Day.

Me: If you want flowers, I’ll get you flowers.

Austin: No. I only want flowers when I don’t have to ask for them.

Signs of Divorce

 Austin: I’m having so much fun going out with Pete & Sonya frisbee golfing, then going to bakeries and coffee shops in the evening.

Me: It’s been fun for me too, exploring chocolate shops, finding parks and hanging around the hotel room.

Austin: I’m glad. Separate vacations is the first sign of a divorce.

Me: I need you for thirteen more years.

I Love You So Much

 Austin, dramatically and highly affected: I love you. I am the luckiest man in the world. I’m so glad I have you and I married you eleven years ago. I can tell you anything and I know—

Me: I’ll put it on Facebook.

Lemon Reamer

 Austin: That is seriously the scariest butt plug I have eber seen.

Me: It’s a lemon reamer.

Fun With Toilets

 Me: The toilet doesn’t work. You have to jiggle the handle or the tank won’t fill up.

Austin: I’ll just pee in the tank, then it will fill up.

Parmesan

 Me: We don’t need more Parmesan cheese. We have a whole container in the cupboard.

Austin: I know. I just pulled it down.

Me: Okay, just. We don’t need to stock up.

Austin: We have room in the cupboard.

Me: Look at all this stuff we have stocked up. We don’t go through Parmesan cheese that fast.

Austin: Yeah, we do.If I make Parmesan chicken, I go through a third of the container.

Me: I hope not.

Austin: Yes, I do. I like to dust it on my body and under my arms, invoke the Parmesan god when I’m cooking.

Gardening

 

I love you

 Me: I love you.

Austin: I tolerate you.

Tomato Plants

 Austin: My tomato plants are so big! They’re out growing the hydroponics system. Soon they’ll have flowers.

Me: Flowers? We’ll need bees to pollinate them.

Austin: I’m going to do it myself.

Face palm.

Austin: Actually, what you do is put fans on them and it causes the pollen to get in the air and blow around.

Me: Then we don’t need bees at all. Don’t let the save the bees people find out.

First Time Gardener

Austin: I’m amazed by my plants. The cucumbers smell like cucumbers. The tomatoes smell like tomatoes.

Austin and I lock eyes.

Together: and the snozzberries smell like snozzberries!

Gardening

Austin: I love my hoe. This hoe was so cheap. I have the best hoe. I worked this hoe so hard. I hope I don’t break my hoe.

Doctor Time

 Me: I’m not looking forward to seeing the doctor. I need a mammogram and I need to get my cholesterol checked.

Austin: Yeah, me too. He’ll probably want to his finger up my butt. 

Me: Just be sure to clean out back there. Use your toothbrush.

Austin: I’ll use yours.

Happy Mother’s Day

 I preheated the oven. Austin was having some yogurt. Yes, I know it’s Mother’s Day, but all my children are fur babies. I pulled out a hashbrown.

Austin: Could you make me one too?

Me: I seem to recall someone saying they were going to get up early and they were going to make me breakfast in bed.

Austin: The cats kept me up late last night.

Happy Anniversary

 Our 17 year dating anniversary is next Monday.

Me: Seventeen years. Seventeen years next Monday, bub. Can you believe it?

Austin: Yeah.

Me: That’s almost half your life.

Austin: Sometimes it feels longer.

Me: I love you.

Compost

 Me: I’m dying.

Austin: If you are, go lay down. Like in the garden bed.

Me: So you can turn me into compost?

Austin: Yeah. I just got that eight foot garden bed, so you’ll fit.

Vinegar

 Over the weekend, Austin asked me to clear out the last of the gallon vinegar container so he could use it to plant more vegetables. So I emptied the liter or so of vinegar into one of our numerous water bottles. I put some masking tape on the side and write “vinegar” in large letters.

This morning, Austin: Last night before bed, I was taking my fish oil and…

Me: And you used the vinegar instead.

Austin: Yes.

Me: I wrote vinegar on the side.

Austin: I know. It was an eye opening experience. But it was sitting on the counter with the other water bottles.

Me: It clearly said vinegar.

Austin: I know. It’s my own fault. But you didn’t tell me what you did with the vinegar.

Me: It was on the counter in plain sight.

Austin: I know. Clearly it’s my own fault. I’m just telling you a funny story.

It’s like he wants me to put these stories on FB.

Musselly

 Me: Your hands are kind of clammy.

Austin: Yeah. And my feet are oystery.

Me, groaning.

Austin: And my arms are musselly.

Gs

Austin: You complain about my handwriting. Look at those Gs. That looks like sin, not gin. And that’s a fishing hook in yogurt tubes. I don’t even know what that mess above it is.

Oh What a Beautiful....

 Austin: I'll probably leave around noon or twelve-thirty to go meet my brother.

Me: You got out of bed at eight o'clock this morning when you don't have to leave until twelve-thirty!?!?

Austin: I wanted to. The sun was shining brightly. It's a glorious, wonderful morning and I couldn't wait to see your gorgeous face.

Me: You are full of it, with a S-H in front of it.

Acute

 Me, putting angel hair pasta on the grocery list: I've seen angel misspelled so many times on FB lately, I almost put down angle instead of angel.

Austin: Angle hair. Hee-hee. Sometimes I have angle hair. It's kind of acute.

Me: You are obtuse.

Austin: You are acute.

Me: You are a cutie.

Dinner

 Austin : Paraphases, blah, blah. What do you want the rest of this week for dinner?

Me: I don’t care. 

Austin: I’m responsible for cooking this week. You’ll care if I don’t feed you. Next thing you know, it’ll be on Facebook.

Me: The good thing about me working this many hours, I won’t have time to post on Facebook.

Austin: You’ll make time.

Tess Takes After….

 Austin: Tess has a little rat face. So in that way, she takes after me. And she’s a little b&@$*%. So in that way, she takes after you.

Oreos

 Our package of Oreos wouldn’t quite fit in the gallon bag, so I cut an inch of the plastic shell off. Austin shrieked soundlessly as if being raped.

Me: Now it fits in the bag. Now the cookies will stay fresh.

Austin: I’ll remember this when you die. I’ll cut your feet off, so you’ll fit in your casket.

Me: I want to be incinerated and turned into ash.

Austin: I’ll cut your feet off before we stick you in the oven. Cremation is expensive. I’ll cut you into tiny bits, then we can do it at home in our own oven.

Pampas

 Me: X store is giving away free pampas grass. Who would want pampas grass?

Austin: What’s pompous grass?

Me: Pampas.

Shrimp

 I don’t like shrimp.

Austin: I’m going to take that shrimp and cover it in teriyaki. Teriyaki is just barbecue sauce. Then I’m going to wrap it up in something and feed it to you, hidden in something and wait to see if you noice.

Me: Oh, I’ll notice. And I’ll say to the officer, “ It was self-defense. He gave me shrimp.”

Plans

 Austin: Do you have any plans for today?

Me: Well, I’ve got to brush my teeth.

Austin: Do you need to go out for that or can Guppy help you?

Noodles, the End

 Austin: What a beautiful morning.

Me: I can see you’re still riding the high of being right yesterday.

Austin: Oh, how I love you, my glorious wife.

Me: Alexa, call my husband an &$*+!!!

Alexa: I don’t have that name in your contacts. Do you have a phone number?

Me: Alexa, never mind.

Noodles Con’t

 Me: I finished the noodles and threw away the takeout container.

Austin: Well, I’ll just have to get into the trash and dig it out. There’s only two places it could be.

Me: You aren’t going outside to get that takeout container.

Austin: ha, you just narrowed it down to one.

Me: This is like when I used to put what I was getting you for Christmas on FB. That’s how confident I am that you aren’t getting that takeout container.

Noodles

 Austin and I, while eating out. The waitress asked if the to-go box would be big enough. She brought a tiny box. 

Me: I don’t think so.

Austin: Yeah, that’ll work.

Me, to the waitress: We’ll try it. If it doesn’t fit, he’ll eat what’s left.

By some miracle, this huge pile of udon noodles and peanut butter sauce fit in this tiny box.

Me: You were right. Better add that to your list of reminders so you can enjoy the anniversary, like you do when you were right about the lentils.

Austin: Nah, I’m going to bronze the box. Then I’m going shellac the layers.

Me: We’re not wasting my leftover noodles so you can rub it in my face that you were right. 

Austin: You can eat the noodles, but I’m still bronzing the container and storing it in my closet so I can bring it out any time we have an argument and prove I was right.

Me: This is the second time in 17 years. I’ll let you have it.

Pastries

We got three pastries as we were leaving the restaurant. I pulled down an airtight container to store them in.

Me: Which pastry do you want for dessert tonight?

Austin: I don’t want any of them. I just bought them to package up and torture you. 

Me: You don’t need pastries to torture me.

Austin: But pastry temptations are a special kind of torture.

Me: Shut up while you’re still funny.

Thank You

 Me: Thank you for buying me dinner.

Austin: I had to. It would look pretty funny if I bought dinner for myself then ate it in front of you.

Keys

Austin and I on our way out. 

Austin: I forgot my keys.

So I pulled out mine and offered them.

Austin: Nah, I’d rather have my own in case I want to leave without you.

Apple Milk

 It’s warm today and I wanted something cold and sweet to drink. Then I remembered the stockpile of Asian beverages in the fridge. I picked out the apple milk. As I go to open it.

Austin: Go ahead, open my Chinese drink.

Me: Oh, did you buy this?

Austin: Yeah.

Me: Oh, I just remembered buying a lot of weird drinks in November that time I went without you.

Austin: Yeah, well, I bought the good ones.

The Bridge Con’t

 Austin: Where do you want to eat out tomorrow?

Me: Peony Bistro. It’s been a bit. I might change my mind tomorrow, but that’s what I feel like right now. I know, it’s not as easy to get to the Y from there with the bridge closed.

Austin: No, that’s not it.

Me: Really, you just turn down that one street, go a little bit, then turn back and onto Church Street.

Austin: Actually, if we go fast enough, I think we can clear the bridge.

The Bridge

Austin & I go to the Y to work out twice a week. We used to take the bridge, but now that it’s out, we have no choice but to drive past Fetter’s Dairy Isle. I think the dairy isle deliberately sabotaged the bridge.

Ethel

 Me: Then X said she couldn’t believe anyone would throw Ethel out. I thought she belonged to a preacher’s wife, but maybe that’s who found her. 

Austin: Had to be.

Me: I thought the preacher’s wife got her declawed and then they couldn’t keep her. I mean, who would put that kind of money into a cat, then throw them away? Maybe she got out and ran away.

Austin: I can’t picture that cat running anywhere.

Birthday

 Me: X hasn’t contacted me yet about her birthday.

Austin: Technically, we don’t need X to go out and celebrate. We don’t even need her for a picture anymore. I can just use the phone function to insert a sticker of her in the picture. Next time we see her, ‘Wasn’t that fun?’ ‘I don’t remember that.’

Later X texts me. Me: Speak of the devil…

Austin: You know the devil!

Would You?

 Watching the Ooku and this scenario is posed in the episode.

Austin: If I suddenly disappeared and someone came to you with fifty million dollars and you had to keep it a secret that I was gone?

Me: Well, your mom and sibs would ask questions. I would have to fake incidents on FB.

Austin: Yeah, you’d have to do that. But you’d have 50 million dollars, so you could travel, go out of the country. Would you do it.

Me: Yeah.

Austin: Would it be the money or—

Me: Well, yeah.

Tree-fitty

 The $5 foot long cookie from Subway.

Austin: That is a good cookie. No wonder it keeps selling out. Subway’s going to end up raising their prices for that.

Me, a little later: I looked up the fake bakes on the Kroger app and they’re about $3.50. 

Austin: Tree-fitty?

Me: Yeah. So $5 isn’t out of line for Subway to make a profit. 

Austin: I suppose so. We used to get cookie dough from Kroger for a dollar or two.

Me: That’s what I just looked up and they’re three-fifty.

Austin: Tree-fitty.

Me: Yes, tree-fitty.

Chocolate chip cookies

 Austin and I were discussing our dinner plans at Subway tonight.

Me: I was trying to decide whether I should get the foot long cookie or churro.

Austin: We’re getter them both.

Me: Oh. Hooray! That’s good. Chocolate chip cookies are like on my list of top three desserts, after turtles. But churros are different.

Austin: That cookie looks nice and thick too.

Me: Yeah. It should last at least a couple of days.

Austin laughs at me.

Me: What?

Austin: That cookie will be gone in two minutes with you.

Me: I’m trying to restrain myself. 

Austin: Yeah, the only thing restraining you is a leash.

Gifts

Me: Our cupboard is filled with chocolate. Not just that, my room is filled with wonderful chocolate Christmas and birthday presents. 

Austin: What about our anniversary?

Me: What about it?

Austin: Your birthday is also our anniversary, so some of those gifts were for our anniversary too.

Me: Our anniversary stopped being a gift a long time ago.

Flavor Adventure

 Austin & I got some Hot & Sour Lemon Braised Chicken Feet Flavored Lay’s potato chips. Austin doesn’t like them. I just don’t understand that boy.

Dental Visit

 Austin, getting home from the dentist: They told me what I already knew. I lost a filling in that one tooth. And the tooth next to it has a shadow, so it probably needs a filling too. It might need a crown. They both might need crowns. Of course they need crowns. They’re the only real teeth I have left. They need to be treated like royalty.

Superbowl

 Austin and I yesterday.

Me: Guess what today is.

Austin : What?

Me: Superbowl Sunday.

Austin: Oh. [Pause]. I’m for the one team. 

Me: I’m for the other one.

Austin: B&$€#%.

Superbowl Part 2

 Me: The Chiefs won.

Austin: What?

Me: The Superbowl. The Chiefs won.

Austin: Oh. I wanted the othe team to win.

Me: I don’t know who the other team was.

Austin: The 49ers.

Me: Oh, yeah. I do like them. When I was a kid, I was a big fan of [brain fart]. I almost said Joe DiMaggio.

Austin: I think he was a baseball player.

Me: Uh yeah and he was briefly married to Marilyn Monroe.

Moon Anniversary Plaque

 Me: Would we do the day you were an intern at Weathervane and were 16 years old. The first day you were in readiness row at JCP or your birthday when we officially started our relationship?

Austin: Actually, it doesn’t matter what we pick; that’s just our perspective of what the moon looked like when we met. In fact, the moon has looked exactly the same for thousands of years. Now if you want to commemorate our relationship with my moon….

She Wrote

 Watching Murder, She Wrote. A pregnant woman is eating pickles.

Me: That’s one thing about Murder, She Wrote. It plays into stereotypes constantly.

Austin: What?

Me: A pregnant woman eating pickles.

Austin: Well, that’s normal. ”Here, have some coffee on the house. And here’s some pickles. You can eat the ketchup too.” I ate a plate of pickles the other day.

Me: Are you pregnant?

Austin, touching his tummy.

Me: Is it the return of Tasia?

Murder!

 Austin periodically binges Murder, She Wrote.

Austin: If I murdered someone, would you still love me?

Me: Depends who you murder. If you murdered X….

Austin: What if I end up in jail for the rest of my life? Would you divorce me?

Me: The second I can’t get health benefits off of you, you’re useless to me.

Hot Tub

Austin was fooling around with the controls on the hot tub.

Me: You just blasted me with cold air on my back.

Austin turned another knob. Then switched around something else.

Me: There’s directions in the cabin.

Austin: Instructions are for babies.

Me: Spoken like a true man.

Leftovers

 Austin and I went out to eat at a hotpot restaurant and had broth left. I was going to eat my leftovers for breakfast and pulled out both packages.

Me: Wow, look at how much fat is in yours compared to mine.

Austin: I think there was a potato left in mine.

Austin looks.

Austin: Oh, yeah. You’re right.

Birthday

 Me: I want one of these with a candle on top for my birthday.

Austin: Okay, but I don’t know if I can fit 50 candles on there.

*I’m not 50.

Yogurt

 Austin & I were late getting home from the gym last night (yes, we both go to the gym). We completely forgot about the batch of yogurt on the counter. 

Me, this morning, gasping. I collect the yogurt and put it in the fridge. Then I go to my iPad and check how long it’s safe to leave yogurt out.

Two hours.

Me: Oh well. Austin is the one who eats it.

Rummage Sale

 Me: I donated the Asian print with flowers and the characters for wisdom to the Y rummage sale. The purple clashes with our walls and there’s really no other place to hang it. I suppose we could hang it in the kitchen, but nothing resembling wisdom happens in there.

Austin: Oh I don’t know. Sometimes I cook.

The Milk

 Because Austin and I don’t have enough shenanigans in our house. I got this from a meme.

Austin: Why does our milk look so angry?

Me: I think it’s going bad.

A Man

Me: They are starting girls so early with needing a man. ‘You need a man.’

Friend X: I don’t need a man.

Me: I don’t need a man. That’s why I married Austin.

Google Assistant

 Me: The Google Assistant is definitely dead. I’ve tried unplugging and resetting it several times. I figured we should throw it out unless it can be recycled.

Austin: I thought we would bury it. [He’s getting teary eyed now] In the backyard. *Sniffles* By the tree.

Me: Next to Sarah?

Austin, little nod.

Vegan Brownies

 Me, scowl on my face: They’re edible, but I wouldn’t make them again. They’re not sweet. There’s just something wrong with them. When X shared the recipe, one of his friends said, ‘Yuck! These things are awful.’

Austin, digging in. I tried to stop him, but I also wanted to know what he thought. His face squished up.

Me: I’m sorry. I don’t know what went wrong. I almost followed the recipe.

Candy

 Me: My candy was scanned in New Jersey on December thirty first and hasn’t moved since.

Austin: Someone ate it.

AI

 Our Google Assistant is dead, so we moved our Alexa. 

Austin: Hey Alexa, how do you like your new home in the kitchen?

We need a life...