Smart ^&*#

 So I showed Austin this pic and told him that was something he'd do.

Austin: Yeah, that is pretty funny. But my New Year's resolution is to be less of a smart ass.
Me: I don't mind it. As long as you don't become a dumb ass.

Penny Dreadful Nudity

So Austin & I love Penny Dreadful. Though I made a comment about the excessive nudity.

Me: I mean, I have seen way too much of Billie Piper naked.

Austin: I could stand more.

Me: What would Angela Lansbury say?

Austin: She'd understand.

Carolers

We had Christmas carolers! I mean it, a whole twenty people or so crowded onto our porch and were singing Christmas carols to us. I was absolutely tickled. And to make it even better, they gave us a plate of a dozen cookies. Oatmeal cookies sans raisins (Austin's favorite) and Hershey Kiss cookies.

I obsessed about the carolers the rest of the evening last night. I started to get paranoid about why they may have selected us. They were with a church and gave us a brochure along with the cookies. They couldn't possibly be giving cookies to everyone. It's a small village, but still, that's a lot of cookies.

Me: Maybe it's because the porch needs painted and looks all ratty and they think we're needy.

Austin: It was me. I was upstairs smoking pot. They saw the smoke coming out of my window and it was quite obvious I was lit with hell fire, so they thought we needed saved.

Because they gave us literature about their church and I'm especially suggestible when it comes to cookies, I mentioned that maybe we should go to the church.

Me, eating a cookie: How many visits to church do you think a dozen cookies buys?

Austin: It buys us walking past.

Mini-Christmas Party

Yesterday, the girls and I went out for our mini-Christmas party. It was a couple of hours after I got off of work, so I went to CAM International and picked up some stuff while I was waiting. The girls were very interested in my exotic purchases, so I was showing them as we talked.

We all had our gift exchange and were talking about what we had left to do for Christmas.

Me: I'm completely done. Been done. Now Austin . . . he'll hand me a list tomorrow and expect me to get it for him.

The girls laughed. They've heard stories.

Me, pulling out boxes of imported truffles: These are for Austin's aunt and his mother. This is how sure I am that he'll give me his shopping list.

Busy at Work

Austin was really sick this morning, so I asked him if he had any WLB days left.
Me: We're allowed to use WLB days again. Call off. You threw up yesterday.
I touched his forehead.
Austin: It's the ten hour days. But I'm going to call off. I just feel guilty.
Me: Well, when you call, be sure to say you're actually sick this time.
Austin: Yeah, sure, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna call, “*hack, hack* I'm sick--is the car warmed up?--yeah, I know I've faked before, but this time I'm really sick.--yeah, I'm coming-- so, yeah, I'm sick and I'm not going to make it to work today.”
I'm rolling laughing.
Austin: I'm not going to do that. That call will get forwarded to a manager.
Me: Well, me and the girls will talk about it tomorrow.

*FYI, I got a text at home, so they didn't even wait until I was at work to ask.

Tiramisu

Tiramisu, Austin's favorite. I picked up a piece from an Italian bakery and wrote on the bag, "Tiramisu for someone I love." I contemplated writing, "Obviously, this is not for you/my husband." But ultimately left it alone. I could see how the whole thing would play out anyway, the fake drama, how he'd moan that I got tiramisu for someone else . . .

Austin gets home after working ten hours, goes directly to the fridge.

Austin: Oh ^&*%@

Me (having forgotten): What?

Then I immediately remember and smirk.

Austin: You got tiramisu for someone else.

Me: I so predicted this would happen. I should have written that on the flip side of the bag.

What I should have said: Since I don't love you, it must not be for you.

Missed opportunities . . .

And it didn't stop him from eating it.

Last Christmas Chat (I hope)

I thought we were done talking about Christmas. I've gotten all the Christmas gifts I'm going to buy. I may purchase a couple of perishables for food I'm making, but I'm done. Now Austin, he's planning ahead. It's not even December 24^th yet, but he's talking about what he's going to get.

Anyway, I was watching Netflix and Austin was in the kitchen washing dishes. (His turn, we alternate.) He comes in with his grill pan.

Austin: What do you think of me getting you a frying pan? Just a good, basic pan. Denise got me this one and it's fantastic. I could do something like that. What do you think?

Me: I think I could use yours.

Austin: Not for you, for my friends.

Free Hugs

Austin's having a bad day & many people have hugged him. X stopped by my desk & I told her to hug me. Then Austin brought me some stuff X forgot.

Me: I told X to hug you.

Austin: I'm gonna go collect.

Christmas Planning

Austin, talking about Christmas gifts: I was thinking about getting clipboards for everyone with paper and pens for when we play D&D.
Me: Seriously? Your great D&D gift idea is clipboards?
Austin: I'm off my game. But you know, some bright colored, transparent, cool-type clipboard. That would be neat, right?
Me: Search Google for D&D gifts. Really.

Potential Christmas Gift

Austin & I were talking about my ridiculous tea rituals.
Me: Fortunately, it hasn't been cold, so I haven't brought tea to work. And I definitely can't make tea at work. Could you imagine me with all my paraphernalia laid out?
Austin: You've got that side desk, all that room where you've got your chocolate and cocoa. I see a Christmas present coming on. I could sneak into work. Lay out some doilies, get you sugar cubes.
I start shaking my head.
Austin: I could get you the Pinkie Pie Glitter Fun Party Tea Set. Wouldn't you love that? With the doilies and the cubes of sugar?
I start giggling.
Austin: I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that.
Me: If the Pinkie Pie tea set existed, I'd love it. Not the doilies and everything else, but the Pinkie Pie tea set would be wonderful.

OMG, the Pinkie Pie Party Tea Set exists!!!??!?!??!!!!SMH. Wow! Austin called it. I said maybe Fluttershy or Twilight Sparkle would have a tea set. Or just a generic MLP tea set, but no, Pinkie Pie has a tea set. Not currently available, but in years past, yes, I could have had a Pinkie Pie Party Tea Set.

Hugs

So, people see Austin & I hug at work all the time, so my co-workers are starting to get this misguided idea that I'm a hugger. So, I hugged Austin before I left for the day.

Co-worker, arms open: I want a hug.

So I hug him.

Me: Don't blame me for any diseases you contract.

Co-worker: Diseases?

Me: Just fair warning.

Austin: You never warn me about diseases.

Me: It's too late for you.

Co-worker: I just wanted some love.

Me: That's not what I'm giving out.

Christmas Shopping

Me: The Iron Man action figure that I got for Collin at Toys'Rus for $12 .99 was $7.67 at Aldi and $7.99 at Kroger. I mean, when I bought it, the Thor one was $7.99 and Iron Man was $12.99, but I decided that Iron Man is way cooler than Thor.

Austin: Yes, Thor isn't even close to Iron Man.

Me: But anyway, seeing it everywhere else for $7.99? That's five bucks! I was pretty steamed, but I decided that it wasn't worth the my time or money to return it and buy again, so I resisted the urge and didn't buy the cheaper one.

Austin: I think you should return it.

Me: I make X an hour. That's *&#^ percent of my hourly wage. The amount of time I'd spend waiting to return it and buying the other one isn't worth it. I can work X to make it up.

Austin: Five bucks is five bucks.

Me: So last night I lay awake thinking I need to return the thing.

Austin: Just return it and be done.

He starts to walk off.

Me, calling at him and following: That wasn't the whole story. I had made up my mind that I was going to return it and then I looked at my Toys'RUs receipt and saw they had only charged me $7.99. If you'd had stayed for the whole story, you'd know the punchline.

Austin: I think you need to shorten your story.

Secret Santa Gift

This should come as no surprise to anyone. Yesterday, I have a long to-do list, change tires (had to glue hubcaps back together because the tire people discovered they were falling apart), paint the car (have same paint damage from hitting a deer), had to stop past the craft store to pick up a couple of things for a project, was going to make zuppa Toscana, so I needed to stop past Kroger to pick up a couple of ingredients, was going to spend the day with Mom, which meant running around with her. And I told Austin my whole long to-do list that I started on at 8:30 in the morning. I knew he was working a ten-hour day, so like a good wife, I offered to help him out.

Me: Is there anything you'd like me to get while I'm out? Any chores you'd like me to take care of while I'm at it?

Austin, preoccupied with getting ready for work: No.

Today, tired and having accomplished almost everything on my chore list and coming down off a 40 hour week after several weeks of overtime and exhausted beyond belief, my big plan for the afternoon: Don't get dressed and lounge around the house.

Austin: I'm out of Greek yogurt. If you're going out today, can you pick some up?

I wonder what my Secret Santa would say if I gave her Austin instead of the gift I have wrapped up for her.

More Ice Cream

Austin E 1:23 PM

hey love, do you have $3 by any chance? long story short, I owe X $3 & I'd rather owe you than him

Rachel 1:24 PM

Remember me & no cash for tip on Saturday? I have some change. I can go out to the car and get quarters after I'm finished. I'll probably be off between 2 and 2:30

Austin E 1:28 PM

no, that's ok. thanks tho. I will get change on the way home then

is there anything we really need at Kroger, since that's where I'll probably stop to get money out & get chabe

Rachel 1:29 PM

You know, a man asking for $3.00 from his woman should get her a $1.00 ice cream cone when she asks . . . no, there's nothing at Kroger. And what's chabe?

Austin E 1:30 PM

change*

and if you want the ice cream so bad, you do have WLB days to use 

Rachel 1:31 PM

&*^#%&^$%%$

Vasectomy Again

So we were talking about Austin getting a vasectomy again. I don't personally issue illness recovery time, job accommodations, leaves of absence or even deal with the paperwork. I just note them if someone else approves them, so Austin was talking about getting an IRT for the surgery. (Nothing's scheduled, we're talking again.)

Me: You'd only be out for a week. Max. They're very non-invasive.

Austin: You'd be plucking the cherries from my nether regions, snatching my low-hanging apples.

Me: Most doctors perform the surgery in under half an hour in their offices. You get a local anesthetic. You're awake for the procedure.

Austin: They'd have to hold me down. And I'd be out for more than a week. I have an extraordinarily large scrotum.

Me: I'll testify that it's not.

Austin: When they cut off my testicles, I'm going to have them put them in a bag to I can carry them around in my hand.

Me: I already have your balls in my hand.

Austin: I'll keep the bag on the shelf next to my dad's ashes. So my balls and my ass will be next to each other.

I shake my head.

Austin: If my dad were alive, he'd have liked that joke.

Ice Cream Sale

So this internationally known ice cream vendor is having $1.00 ice cream cones today, 12-3p. I'm working so, I'm going to miss out on it, but my co-worker suggested Austin could go. I laughed. Later, I suggested Austin could get me a cone as my co-worker said, and put it in the freezer. No, he's got a friend he's going to meet in Columbus. By the time he gets up, gets ready, he won't have time to go to the ice cream shop two miles from our house. Austin wasn't in the mood to cook, so we went out for dinner.

After we go home from Olive Garden, Austin: Have I told you how much I love you today?

Me: You don't need to tell me. I know. You won't go two miles to get me a $1.00 ice cream cone.

Austin: No, I love you enough to take you out to Olive Garden for a three-course dinner. With a coupon.

Austin & I: And a gift card.

Texas de Brazil

So Austin & I are going out to lunch today with my sister and brother-in-law to celebrate his birthday. Texas de Brazil. The wine list is expected to be amazing. I don't drink, but Austin does love a good wine sampling.

Me: If you want to partake, I can drive home.

Austin: I'm not drinking this early on a Sunday.

Me: Yeah right, but a bong for breakfast is perfectly acceptable.

Austin: It is. It even has its own name.

Me: Really? A breakfast bong?

Austin: No, a wake and bake.

I laugh.

Austin: Wine for breakfast also has a name. It's called alcoholism.

Penny Dreadful

Austin was telling me about this show he's watching, Penny Dreadful, and it sounds like something I'd like, so I said I'd might have to watch it.

Austin: I hope you don't start to like Dorian Gray.

Me: I like strange things.

Austin: Yeah, look at me.

BTW, I loved Penny Dreadful. And I did not fall in love with Reeve Carney, though he did a fantastic job as Dorian.

Thongs

Me: You know, those thongs that I used to wear for you, those all came from that rummage sale.

Austin: What kind of church is this?

Me: It's the Methodist church up the street.

Austin: I don't want you going to that kind of church.

Me: I'd think that was exactly the kind of church you'd want me going to.

Donating Sexy Underwear

I haven't worn sexy underwear for Austin for a while, so I made a point of buying some lacy crotchless underwear for him. We had our sexy time, but he really didn't seem all that impressed.

Me: I got them just for you.

Austin, shrugging: I like your regular underwear.

I wear cotton bikinis. Sometimes solid color, sometimes lackluster patterns.

Me, a little disappointed: Well, I guess I'll give them to a rummage sale.

Austin: You can't give those to a church rummage sale.

Me: I only wore them once. I washed them. They're clean.

Austin: No, you can't have sexy underwear at church rummage sales.

Me: Nothing in the Bible says I can't give sexy underwear to a church rummage sale.

Austin: Yes it does.

Me: I've read it. I would have remembered a part about sexy underwear.

Austin: It's in an old translation, like the Dead Sea Scrolls, that got lost from the version we read.

Garbage Disposal

Austin sent me an e-mail to tell me that we carry garbage disposals. Like the e-mails about a dish washer, I think this is a hint.

jcp garbage disposal

Austin E

Thu 5:47 PM

You

We carry garbage disposals! 877-0111... less than $80.

He must not realize how easy it would be to get rid of a body with a garbage disposal. BTW, he's not getting a garbage disposal for Christmas.

Goldfish Crackers

I picked up some toiletries for Austin, so I took them up to his room. A bag of pizza flavored goldfish crackers were sitting on his desk, so I was going to eat a few. There were only ten left, so I finished off the bag. I went down to the kitchen. Austin just came in from work.
Me: I finished off your bag of goldfish crackers, so I was going to get a new one and put it up in your room.
Austin: Don't do that. They keep disappearing up there.

So I hit him with the bag.

Up Late

Austin: I'm tired this morning.

Me: Me too, but it's OK.

Austin: How is it OK?

Me: Because I went to see Music Man last night. I didn't get home till eleven.

Austin: I didn't go to bed till eleven.

Me: Yeah, and it's your own fault.

Austin: How is it my own fault?

Me: I had Music Man to see so I had to stay up. You just chose to stay up so it's your own fault.

Austin: But going to bed at eleven is normal for me.

Me: There is nothing now and will never be anything normal about you.

Austin: I was just about to say something like that.

The Cats

So our cat Thirteen is usually the mouth in our house. But Mouse was whining this morning.

Me: Shut up, Mouse. You're starting to sound like your brother.

Austin: I dont think they're brothers.

Me: There are no steps or halves in this house.

Austin: Oh really?

We live in a two story house with a basement.

Me: Fine, yes, there are stairs.

Austin: Actually, I was going to make a joke about a half-wit.

Emun's Cuffs

Austin had a jacket with a torn cuff, so yesterday, I sewed it up. I showed Austin the darning job I'd done, but his response was lackluster.

Me: You didn't even know this cuff was torn.

Austin: No.

Me: I'll bet Emun Elliott would have noticed if I had mended his cuff.

Austin: Yeah. He also would have noticed the strange woman who doesn't live in his house.

Hit the Bathroom

As soon as we got home, after an hour long drive after lunch, both Austin and I were in the same situation.

Austin: When we get in, I've got to hit the bathroom.

Me: I've got to hit the bathroom too.

I stood in the doorway taking off my coat, gloves, setting down my purse.

Austin: Move or I'm going to hit you too.

Christmas Shopping

So I was watching a Christmas special, characters shopping for gifts:
If it's the thought the counts, why are we spending so much time at the mall with all these crowds? Let's go home and think really hard.

Austin & I placed our Christmas order through Amazon together to save on shipping. So I know what I'm getting.

Austin's now being a little pookie butt because I know my gift, but he doesn't (I placed the order). So I remind him that he kind of knows what he's getting.

Me:If you really want to know, check Facebook. I was so confident you wouldn't look that I posted it to my page.

I'm still confident he's not going to know what I got him for Christmas.