Teeth

When Austin ticks me off, I threaten him with petty violence. I used to threaten to Nair the dog, but now Cricket's passed . . . So I started threatening the safety of his teeth.
Austin: They came with a life time guarantee.
Well, fine. Besides, most of the time when I threaten Austin's teeth, he's wearing them.
So I decided I'd hide them one day when he was sleeping and had the day off. I didn't even hide them that well. Then I went to work.
I went about my business, did my job, went home. I completely forgot about them. When I came in, Austin floated into the kitchen like a wraith.
Austin: I can't find my teeth. I looked everywhere.
I almost felt bad. Almost.
Me: You didn't look very hard.
I opened the cupboard, pulled them out. They were in the front, visible as soon as you open the door.
Austin: Yes, I did. I looked everywhere. I thought the dog got them and ate them.
Me: They were in the soaking dish.
Austin: I know. I thought she'd knocked the dish down. I scoured the basement for it. I looked through her poop to see if I could find bits of my teeth in it.
So I went over to hug him.
Austin, pushing me away: I don't want to hug you. You hid my teeth.

Supernatural

Austin & I have been watching Supernatural. Austin loves it. Me, it's OK. I like it. Incidentally, I looked up some bio info on Jensen Ackles. He has three kids, Justice, Zeppelin and Arrow. I mention this to Austin.
Austin: Poor kid, being named after a blimp.
Me: I think it's a reference to Led Zeppelin.
Austin: I'm just saying, Jensen Ackles better hope his kid isn't fat.

Sole

A vise was lying on the counter and Austin asked me about it.
Me: The sole of my shoe was coming off all day. The first thing I did when I got home was glue it back on.
Austin: Psh, you haven't had a soul for years.

Shaved

I shaved my legs, because we're going out tonight. My poor legs, they're red, cracked, pretty bad looking. Austin & I commiserated over it last night.

Today, Austin: You're legs look much better.

I was shocked. He reached down and rubbed my calf.

Austin: Because you're wearing hose.

Someone Broke In

Me: While you were at work today, someone broke into the house and put Cassie out on her leash. They didn't take anything or mess with the house. All they did was put Cassie outside.
Austin gives me this incredulous look.
Me: I swear to God, I do not remember putting Cassie outside. I just noticed she wasn't in the house and finally found her in the backyard on the leash.

Maraschino Cherries

Me: I had to go to Wal-Mart. I feel dirty.

Austin: For what?

Me: Maraschino cherries with stems. Not surprised that Aldi didn't even offer them. Kroger had two jars of regular maraschino cherries left and an empty spot where stemmed cherries usually sit with a sign posted that they're out. So to Wal-Mart I went. And they had them in the ice cream section. But they didn't have your tiger sauce either, so the Internet lied.

Bday Card

Austin was using the card I got him for his birthday as a coaster, so I pointed it out.

Me: You should show more respect to cards from your wife.

Austin: Most cards I throw out. I haven't thrown yours out.

Happy Birthday & Many More!

Poor Austin, he's been sick all this week. For the fun of it, I got him one gift for every day of the week.

Usually, I have to force celebrating Austin's birthday down his throat. Austin slept through Saturday. Sunday, when Austin was still lethargic and just getting out of bed, he reminded me that he missed one of his presents. 

Austin: Can I have it now?

Vomit

I was getting ready to leave for the day. Austin was sick, but gave me a big hug. I could hear his stomach was gurgling and his throat was contracting.
Me: Don't you dare vomit on my shoulder.
Austin, hugs me tighter: What if I lean over like this and get it down your back?
Me: You're not funny.

Austin's Sick

Austin called off, but did it the normal way. One of my department's functions is to listen to the call-offs and note them.
Austin: The next time I call off, I'm going to be one of those calls you really like. "Yeah, this is Austin, I'm a champ two and I'm sick. I'm coughing. *hack, hack* I've got some diarrhea, it's getting all over everything. And I threw up. There's this odor. It kind of smells like cheese . . . but I haven't had cheese in the last forty-eight hours. And I have this tender spot on my testicles."

User Error

Me, slam the door, won't shut. Slam the door, won't shut again.

Austin: What's wrong?

Me: I can't get the stupid door to shut.

Then I realize the deadbolt is switched on. I switched it off just as Austin was coming in.

Austin: User error.

Microwave

Austin drags me into the kitchen.

Austin: I just want to know what you think. So, over the stove, we could put a shelf. I think there are a couple of studs right here.

He is pointing to an area where my cat hanger is anchored to the wall, along with some other of my decorations. Also, this will impact all the spices we have hanging on the wall next to the stove.

Austin: What do you think of us putting a shelf here, then putting the microwave above it?

Me, terrified actually: Well, I think that's going to create a lot of shadow here. 

[I indicate the stove and wall area where we keep the salt and pepper and some utensils on the back of the stove.]

Austin continues to explain to me calmly what a good idea this is, that putting the microwave above the stove, higher than my head so I can't reach it, is a good idea. That it frees up all this space. I didn't even mention the fact that we could clean off the kitchen table that's obscured under his camping gear. (It's been at least two years since he's gone camping.) And I'm trying really hard to remain calm while Austin suggests change. Then, to show me that there's not going to be significant shadow by a shelf, he picks up the box that our new 12-cup food processor came in. I put this box on the floor for the cats to play with. So he picks up this dusty, dirty box and holds it over the stove (that he just cleaned) to show me what the shadow is going to be like. I definitely don't like it. So then we dispute the amount of shadow that will be created.

Me: Well, we could replace the whole stove, get a new stove that has a hood and a light built in so we could put the microwave on top of that.

Austin: Yes, Austin, let's get a whole new stove in seven or eight years instead of changing something small like adding a shelf right now.

So my "ick, I don't want to change anything" face was obvious.

Later, Austin was talking about getting something done and that it wasn't going to be any time soon. Austin is slow. It's a fact. So I razz Austin about the six months it took for Austin to get his car repaired after he was broadsided. And the years that he hasn't gotten the porch painted.

Austin: I'm a creature of habit.

Me: You don't like change.

Austin: The only change I like is quarters.

Me, grabbing his arm: No! And you just gave me a hard time because I don't like change.

At least this is something we have in common.

The Aquatic Scent

Austin: Today was horrible. I was sitting next to X and she smelled awful. You know how women get that scent when they don't wash.
Me: BO.
Austin: Yeah, that horrible, rancid aquatic scent. I mean all women get that scent when they don't wash. Only women get that. Men, they get that other scent.
Me: Musky.
Austin: Yeah, that jungle sweat sort of scent. But women get that aquatic smell. That thing they say about tuna is true.
Me, face palm.

Chatter

Austin started in on his D&D stuff. I groaned and he stopped. I don't remember what we talked about after that. Then . . .

Me: So while I was at work, I had to take a &*(#

Austin: You can't listen to me and my D&D talk, but I have to listen to you talk about your BM?

Jeans

Austin: We're having that associate night coming up at work. I can order X, Y and Z for my friends. Maybe even my mom. And I can also get another pair of these jeans. I love them, but I'm not sure what kind they are.
So, I go around to his back and bend over, read the tag on his bottom.
Me: They're Levi's.
I go back around to his front. Austin has his face in his hand.

Hard

Austin and I both got new slippers.
Austin (regarding the soles): Mine are hard.
Me: Just like your-
Austin: I know what you're going to say.
I giggled because we've been predicting each other's pot shots lately.
Austin: My butt isn't hard.
Me: I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say your heart.
Austin: Oh. Well, you had your hand on it. I thought that's what you were going to say.
Me: No, just 'cause I was copping a feel doesn't mean I was going to call it hard. In fact, your butt's kind of gushy.

Dairy Shortage

Me: There was a major shortage of dairy. Both Aldi and Kroger. I got you one package of half and half 'cause that's pretty much all they had.
Austin: That makes sense. After the great cow combustion I heard about on the radio.
Silence.
Austin: Dairy is going to be really expensive, but the price of steak is going to drop.
SMH.

Take the Trash Out

Me: I'm going to take the trash out when we get up to Mom's.
Austin: No you're not. This is my car and I'm driving.

Heavy Lifting

Me: I told Mom we'd pick her up at 11:00.
Austin: That's fine, but my back hurts, so you'll have to do the heavy lifting.

Allergies

Austin & I both have been battling allergies all weekend with varying degrees of success. Today, out with Mom garage sale-ing and thrift store shopping, we pause to tend to our hunger. We offered to go to Easton, Mansfield, Zanesville, even Newark and Heath, Austin just sighed at every suggestion.
Austin: I just need a couple of allergy pills to feel better.
Me: Really? So any time you're being a pain, I can hand you a couple of allergy pills and it will be fixed?
Austin: Last I checked, there're no pills to take care of nagging wives.

Promotion

Austin didn't get a promotion at work. He's been with the company 10 years and he's been a leader in the department he's currently in for over two years. X, the woman they chose for the promotion hasn't been with the company for as long as Austin has been leading in the department. Anyway, there have been some hard feelings. A lot of people know Austin was disappointed and I have been blowing off steam.

Me, to co-worker Z: Austin loved Y, who was in the position before, and he'd help her out and do projects for her all the time. Now if he helps out X, I'll be furious. I'm telling you, he better not. If he does, I'll absolutely—you have no idea.

Co-worker Z: Oh, I have some idea. I'm married. I do some pretty scary things to my husband.

Me: You and your husband are nowhere near as creative as Austin and I.

Morning Walk

So, I came in at 8:30 a.m. from my walk. And was shocked to see Austin up. On a Sunday! He came over, hugged me and went on.
Me: Hey, you didn't let me hug you back.
Austin: That's how I roll. I hug and run.

Have I Told You?

Me: I've told you I love you today, haven't I?
Austin: Yeah. Between telling me where I can stick my dick--
Me: And calling you an Emun Elliott drag queen--
Austin: Yeah, it was sandwiched in there somewhere.

Plastic Surgery

Me: I wish there was another way, a new way, a different way to show you how much I love you.

Austin: You could get me plastic surgery so I could look like Emun Elliott.

Me, extended pause: How's this me showing you that I love you?

Austin: You could pay for it.

Me: That'd be a lot, like thousands. You'd have to have your face widened, your jaw widened, your nose widened. And your skin would have to be darker. Your eyes brown. Your hair too. I don't think there's any plastic surgery that can permanently change your eye color or your hair color.

Austin: I could be Emun Elliott with long, dazzling blond hair.

Me: That'd make him look like a drag queen.

Socks

Yesterday, Austin gave me a package of socks. A really cute trio, dogs on one pair, argyle on another, then a block pattern.
Me, to my coworkers: They're so cute. Austin's not for sale today. I'm sure in a few days, he'll be for sale again, but not today.
When I got home, Austin was pouring bleach down the sink. Foolishly, I thought it's the first of the month and he was helping me with the chore of cleaning the drains and the toilets.
Austin: The sink is clogged.
I groaned, plunged, etc. Drain is still clogged today. Mom came in with the mail. I was telling her about the socks. Then she asked me about why I was plunging the sink.
Me: Well, the sink was clogged and then Austin put his coffee grounds down the sink. Could. Have. Killed. Him.
Mom, snickering: So, Austin is for sale again today? Half price, right?

Washing Dishes 3 Avril 2010

 Notice the date, 3 Avril 2010 (oui, mon FB est en francais). On April 3, 2017, Austin took out the trash. Again. He just took it out two weeks ago. I now assume he's going to take the trash out voluntarily once a month. I no longer count, because he does it regularly.

Helping me with household chores must be an unknown anniversary thing. (Technically, our dating anniversary is 4/22, but I'll take it.)


I think this is a new way to kill me, slowly shocking me to death.

Orders

Austin, coming in with a package: This is the order I place on Sunday. My order from Wednesday still hasn't shown up, but X said it was on the reconciliation report.
Me: What?
Austin: That means it's probably short.
Me: Ah, man, that sucks.
Austin: Yeah, I had two clearance items and used three reward certificates.
Me: Yeah, that's awful.
Austin: But X will make it right. I'm just concerned about the clearance items. Even so, I'll still reorder the rest. X will just have to fix it. And she loves me. She'll take care of it. And if she doesn't--
Me, expecting uber-threat.
Austin: I won't wave at her or smile at her in the hallway anymore.
Me, mystified: That's the best you've got?
Austin: Well, yeah. Can you imagine how upset she'd be if I didn't smile, wave or talk to her in the hallways anymore?
Me: Why don't you threaten to move in with her? That would actually scare her.
Austin, faking a pout.

Dog Food

Austin & I are buying more community property, a food processor. I did the research, the best one for us for the price, looked at Good Housekeeping and customer reviews. 

Austin: I'm so excited. Now we'll be able to make our very own dog food.
Me: Our very own food out of the dog.
Austin: You read my mind. Stop doing that.
Me: But there's so little to read.
Austin: Oh, wah-wah-wah.

One Minute

Austin was still in bed, but we were planning to go out at noon. I saw that the clock read 11:00, so I went to wake him.
Austin: Eleven, really?
Me: Yes.
Austin, reaching for his cell, which says 10:59: See?
Me: Oh my gracious! The clocks in our house aren't synchronized!
Alarm goes off.
Austin, lying back down: Just for that, I'm getting my minute back.

April Fool's Day

OK, so I don't usually post links on this blog, but I'm so going to pull at least one of these on Austin.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/genius-april-fools-day-pranks-your-kids-will-totally-fall