Wow

Austin: I showed this picture to one of the people in my class. He said, "Wow, you two have been together a loonngggg time."

Cute Kitty!

Baby Dill

Austin and I have been binging on baby dills. And when they say "baby dill," they mean baby dill.

Me: What's the point to one that small?

Austin: Because it's adorable!

A few minutes later.

Austin: I should have said, that's what she said.

Zombie Videogames

Ordinary Day

 Just an ordinary day in the household of Austin & Rachel.

Turns out this was the crash. We now have a hole that's one foot by a foot and a half in the ceiling. The wood is damp, so I'm going to give it a day or so to dry out before adding ceiling repair to my repertoire of home improvement abilities.

Wedding Bells

At a wedding dinner for a pair of Austin's friends.

As it was starting to get late, Me: I'm so tired. Killing me would be a mercy.

Austin, to his friends: She gets up early.

Friend A: She'll be fine. Just load her up with coffee.

Me, immediately perky: Yea! Yes, load me up with coffee.

Austin: Stop it. Rachel's allergic to coffee.

Austin's friends all aghast and how can I survive with this horrid malady.

Friend A: Are you seriously allergic?

Me: Yes, I'm really allergic.

Friend A: No, I mean, are you able to have coffee or is it something where if you kiss Austin's coffee lips in the morning while romping—

Me: What romping? We don't have morning romps.

Again, friends aghast.

Me: We haven't had morning romps in years. Austin would rather sleep. Really, we don't have sex all that much anymore.

Austin, jabbing me and trying to get me to shut up.

Me: When we first hooked up, wow, all the time. I thought I was so lucky to have a young, virile man. He's an old man now. I don't quite get enough anymore.

His friends begging for more, like how often, his penis size, etc. But we both kiboshed the subject.

Sometime later, talking about the pool party, Friend B: All we had left were deflated balls.

Me: Now look, I thought we agreed no more talk about Austin's privates.

Jelly Fish vs Cthulhu

I said, Oh, what a nice craft! But Austin would never want a jelly fish. Now Cthulhu, that the kind of kid my husband is.

Hit the Spot

Austin made this amazing dinner. After we finished eating.
Austin: Wow, that really hit the spot.
Me, slapping his cheek: Did that hit the spot?
Austin: Ouch! No.
So I slap his shoulder.
Me: How about that?
Austin: No.
Me, hitting his other shoulder: How about now?
Austin: Getting colder.
Me, hitting the middle of his chest: Now?
Austin: OK, stop it.

Half as Much

Austin, hugging me: Do you know how much I love? Because it's a lot.

Me: Well, if it's half as much as I love you . . . you could do better.

Pineapple and Pizza

Me: X's baby is a year old today. Has it really been a year? You made that comment about a pineapple. Has that really been a year?

Austin: Huh?

Me: You remember. When baby X was born, you said how disappointing it would be if X had had a pineapple.

Austin: Oh yeah. That would be disappointing. Or a pizza.

Me: I wouldn't be disappointed in a pizza.

Austin: Sure you would. If you pushed a pizza out of your vagina after nine months, you'd be disappointed.

Me: Don't tell me what I'd be disappointed in.

Austin: I'm just saying, we can walk up the street and have pizza in ten minutes. If you waited nine months, you'd be disappointed.

Drawers

Me: I finally threw out enough underwear and opened that package of underwear I bought a year ago. I'm wearing a pair too. [smiles devilishly]

Austin: I don't know how you do it. When I buy underwear, I have to open it immediately. I mean, I'm really into underwear and all, but still, you had that package sitting on your bureau for a year and a half.

Me: Well, I had to wait until the last batch got holey and needed to be thrown out. I only have so much room in my drawers.

Austin, looking at my backside: You look like you have plenty of room in your drawers to me.

Strawberry Shortcake

I turned Strawberry Shortcake Berry Bitty Adventures on Austin's TV. He came in and watched for a minute before switching it to Supernatural.
Me: You don't like Strawberry Shortcake?
Austin: Their faces all look the same.
Me: Well duh. Every pony's face looks the same on My Little Pony.
Austin: They're horses. All horse faces look the same.
Me: Not to other horses.
Austin: I'm not a horse.
Me: That's right, you're not. You're an +*%<#~|.

Steaks

Austin & I got a couple T-bones and I started frying them up.
Austin: Did you remember to salt and pepper them?
Me: Yes. I think I know how to make a steak.
Austin: Well, you know how to make a mistake.
Me: Yeah, you.

Beard Trimmer

Austin: I know I've only had it a couple of days, but I really love that beard trimmer you gave me.
Me: I'm glad you like it.
Austin: Yeah, it's great. [Holding up his arm] Look at the great job it did on my armpits.
Me, face palm.
Austin: What? You like it when I shave my pits.
Me: Yes, I do. Maybe I should borrow your beard trimmer when I take a sabbatical from shaving and I'm weed-wacking my leg hair.
Austin: Absolutely, but be careful with it. If you hit a mole, it hurts like crazy. I had blood everywhere.
Me: I don't have moles on my legs.

Flabby Gut

Me: I love looking at you. I love looking at your body.
Austin: Yeah, my big flabby gut.
Me: I especially love your gut.
Austin: That's a good thing because there's plenty of it.

Bang

Me: I'd like to bang you right now.

Austin: I know you mean that you want to kill me, but I'm going to be optimistic and take it as a compliment.

Killing With Kindness

Austin & I were discussing an associate I not-so-lovingly call DB/Dumb Bunny (as opposed to Dumb ^&*#% and Dead Body). We talked long and hard about special things about her.

Austin: We pretty much talk civilly and that's it.

Me: She's trying to be nice to me. Not like buddy-up nice, but she makes a point of saying hi and saying my name every time she sees me, so I can't pretend she's greeting someone else. I think she's trying to kill me with kindness. She better be careful, because I use a baseball bat.

Austin: A golf club. Like the one you sleep with by the bed.

Me: Actually, everyone in our department has a baseball bat. I don't have one yet, but it's what you get for doing a good job in our department. So yeah, she tries to kill me with kindness one more time, I'm going to kill her with a baseball bat.

Love

Me: I love your $&/-@
Austin: Unfortunately, it doesn't love you back. It doesn't have a heart or emotions. It's a machine. But if it could, it would love you back.

Paint Job

Paint came up at my in-laws, so I was telling them about the neighbors painting their house in two days. Austin mentions that they only have one floor, it's a dinky house, garage not painted, two people painting, paint job is patchy, just one coat.
Me: Two days versus three years.
Austin: You have to wait for perfection.
Me: I have to wait for you too.

Upper Echelon

Me: Mom's gonna be here in ten minutes.
Austin: I know.
Me: You should put in your teeth.
Austin, waving dismissively.
Me: Wow, Mom is now part of the upper echelon.

Eggs *tears*

This was on the grocery list this morning. Because apparently it's too traumatizing to break open eggs that are crying.

And the egg war rages on.

 

After the last batch that was swearing, Austin literally made me stand there while he opened the latest carton while he made sure there were no pictures whatsoever on the eggs.

Saging

When Austin was waving a lit incense stick, Me: Are you saging the house?
Austin: Because I'm in it, this house is already saged.

Plain Greek Yogurt

Austin made ice cream last night. I went down just before going to bed and found him with his prize.

Austin: I used half and half, Greek yogurt--

Me, knowing the answer: The plain or the mango?

Austin: Plain.

Me: I use that instead of sour cream when I make pear pie. I had that reserved for the pear pie I was making for your class's pot luck this Friday.

Austin: I was going to tell you.

Me: When? Tomorrow after I got home from the grocery store?

1/2 Piece

Austin was giving me flack about eating the last 1/2 piece of pear pie.
Me: A little pear pie never hurt anybody.
Austin: I don't know. You'd find a way to make it hurt me.

Last Piece

I felt like having some pie, so I pulled it out.
Me: Uh oh, only one piece left. Who's gonna get it?
Austin: You can cut in half, then we could each have a piece.

Pear Pie

Austin was in the shower when I cut the pear pie. I took my piece up to his room.
Me: Do you want a bite or do you want a piece of your own?
Austin: I just want a little taste.
Austin took the fork, cut a teeny bit off.
Austin: Mmmmm.
He took another bite, bigger this time.
Austin: That's really good.

Flour

Me: Pear pie's in the oven. We ran out of flour while I was making the crumble.
Austin: *gasp* What will we do!
Me: I subbed cake flour.
Austin: We have every kind of flour out there.
Me: Close. We have masa, cake flour, self-rising flour and Bisquik.
Austin: What other flours are there?
Me: All-purpose, wheat, graham-
Austin: Wait so I can write these down.

Nom Nom Nom

I bought a couple of things for Austin from a rummage sale today.
Austin: Thank you for the gifts.
Me: It's always tough when I spend 75¢ on my husband.
Austin: That's all? Seventy-five cents?
Me: Yeah, twenty-five for the book, fifty for the boxers.
Austin: Well, it would mean just as much if you spent hundreds of dollars. You can have my blood, all of it.
Me: I want your heart.
Austin: You have it.
Me: I want to eat it.
Austin: You do. Over and over again. It's chewy. Nom, nom, nom. Now my liver, you can't have that.
Me: I don't want your liver. Liver tastes disgusting.

Spread

Me: The spread's seal just came off when I opened it, but the stuff never goes on sale and it didn't look like it was tampered with, so I ate some anyway. It seems fine. But if I die suddenly of poison, it was the spread.
Austin: I want some too.
Me: There's some left. You can have some.
Austin: But if it's poison, they can't test it.
Me: There's plenty left. Just make sure you leave enough so scientists can test the spread if we both happen to get poisoned.

Bitter Potion

Watching Forensic Files, Bitter Potion, the profile of the murderer: Highly intelligent, white male-mid 30s, resolves conflict without confrontation, reads about murders, watches violent movies, fantasizes about murder. Me & Austin, our eyes lock.
Me: That's you, bub. You could be the murderer.
Austin: I don't fantasize about committing murder.
Me: And yet you've mentioned how you're going to kill me a few dozen times.

Cilantro

Austin grumped and grumped that he wanted cilantro this year, but I haven't been able to find any reasonably priced. Mom brought in a couple of plants and set them on the stoop for us a few weeks ago. And my thing lately has been, “If he wants to do it, he has to do it himself. I'm not doing it for him.”

Mom: I'm going to take the cilantro plants and plant them in my own yard if you don't plant them soon.

Austin: I have to plant them? In my yard?

Mom: Yes.

Austin: This year?