Wedding Bells

At a wedding dinner for a pair of Austin's friends.

As it was starting to get late, Me: I'm so tired. Killing me would be a mercy.

Austin, to his friends: She gets up early.

Friend A: She'll be fine. Just load her up with coffee.

Me, immediately perky: Yea! Yes, load me up with coffee.

Austin: Stop it. Rachel's allergic to coffee.

Austin's friends all aghast and how can I survive with this horrid malady.

Friend A: Are you seriously allergic?

Me: Yes, I'm really allergic.

Friend A: No, I mean, are you able to have coffee or is it something where if you kiss Austin's coffee lips in the morning while romping—

Me: What romping? We don't have morning romps.

Again, friends aghast.

Me: We haven't had morning romps in years. Austin would rather sleep. Really, we don't have sex all that much anymore.

Austin, jabbing me and trying to get me to shut up.

Me: When we first hooked up, wow, all the time. I thought I was so lucky to have a young, virile man. He's an old man now. I don't quite get enough anymore.

His friends begging for more, like how often, his penis size, etc. But we both kiboshed the subject.

Sometime later, talking about the pool party, Friend B: All we had left were deflated balls.

Me: Now look, I thought we agreed no more talk about Austin's privates.