Party Time!

Us: We're having a party! All are welcome!

X: What's the occasion?

Me: The house is clean. Take pictures.

The House is Clean!!!

Austin is gleaming over how clean our house is. I’m eyeing a clump of fur that has already fallen onto our newly swept floor.
Austin: Next time around, it won’t be such a big job.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Austin: Cleaning the house. Now that’s it’s clean, all we have to do is put in a little effort to keep it that way.
Me: You remember when we moved the couch box off of our new area rug and there was a visible line where dirt had collected on the exposed part?
Austin: Yeah, but it won’t be as bad. It won’t be monstrous bad. It’ll only be medium bad.

New Everything

Renovating the house. New carpet, new couch, new everything.

 Me: Mouse already has marked the carpet as his.
Austin: What? Where?
So I pointed it out.
Me: I cleaned it up.
Austin: That little brat. Because we moved the litter box a few feet. We should invest in deer urine. That deters everything. Or human urine. I’ve heard that’s a good deterrent. We can keep it in jars. It also bleaches leather. 

Pizza

Me: Are you ready for me to throw together dinner?
Austin: Sure. What are you making?
Me: Pizza! You said you wanted pizza!
Austin: I do, but I was just asking. You don’t always accommodate my requests.
Me, indignant for a minute: With all the effort I put into accommodating your needs, wants, requests.
I start to head for the kitchen.
Austin: Can you put Parmesan cheese on mine?
Me: Maybe.

Pipe Dream

Me to Austin: Our house being clean is a pipe dream.

Austin: You’re almost done. What we can do with the rest is box it up and put it in your room until you’ve got more time to go through it.

Me: NO!

Austin: What?

Me: Remember when you moved in? Your room used to be my junk room. I spent hours, days. Weeks, actually cleaning it out for you.

Austin: Yeah.

Me: And when I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t figure out what to do with the rest, I boxed it up and stacked it in my room.

Austin: Oh, yeah.

Me: And now you’ve been here seven years and all that crap is still in my room. 

Austin: Yeah...

Hysteria

So in February I had to have surgery for fibroids and went through a multitude of tests to find out the extent of the issue and if it's cancerous. Austin was telling a pair of his female friends.

Austin: She had fibroids. Apparently they were rather large and her uterus wasn't where it's supposed to be.

Female friend: So she had a wandering uterus.

Austin: I guess.

Female friend: So Rachel had hysteria.

Cemetery Hop

Me: You’d be proud of me. Mom asked me to go to the cemetery with her today and I told her I needed to get my work done.
Austin: You just went to the cemetery.
Me: That was Mount Vernon. We were going to go to Eden.
Austin: Well, we should just have a cemetery hop. Go from cemetery to cemetery.
Me: The Mount Vernon cemetery just put in that funeral home right in front of the cemetery.
Austin: Grand Opening! Big Sale. As many people as you can fit in a casket. You break it, cut it off, we don’t care. If it fits, we bury it.

High-Waisted Jeans

Austin & I were watching Supernatural and a pair of women were wearing high-waisted jeans.
Me: Did you know those are called mom jeans?
Austin: They’re back in style. They make them look good. Just like if you called this a dad bod (indicating his topless self), I’d make it look good.
And I laughed and laughed.

Living Room Off-Limits

I just painted the living room floor and coated it with polyurethane. So no one is allowed in there for three days. But I still have a lot to accomplish before our big party.

Me: Something else I can do tomorrow while the living room is off-limits is clean off my desk.
Austin: That’ll take more than one day.

Gun Sale

We drove past a gun store while running around.

Austin: Look! The local gun store has guns on sale! So you can celebrate the second amendment by shooting a gun in the air!

Me: Or shooting your husband. And we just bought new rugs. I'd just have to lay them down over the blood stain and get rid of the body.

Austin: Don't forget the couch. We just bought a life proof couch.

Me: A what?

Austin: Life proof. For all those little spill and drips. Just wipe it up. No blood, no problem.

Mom Text

I hear my phone beep, but I’m putting caulk around the sink in the bathroom. Austin comes in from cleaning off the tray tables.
Me: Can you check my phone? It’s probably Mom.
Austin: Your mom wants to know if we’re home and can she come up and borrow our Gorilla Glue.
Me: Yes.
Austin: I told her yes. This message is brought to you by Austin Frazee, but it is endorsed by Rachel Landis.

Boxes

Austin & I finally took the boxes the couch was in up to the recycle bins. The boxes were hanging out of the car, threatening to hit the street the whole half mile. I mean, we opened the couch box and the couch was inside another box! We had boxes going on for days.
Austin: We haven’t lost a box yet. But we might be losing our minds.
I belch loudly.
Austin: And our self-respect. 

Home Depot

At Home Depot, picking up more cement, porch paint, stain and light bulbs so we can finish up home repairs. While checking out, I found a wedding gift card, complete with a three-tiered wedding cake and a couple on top.

Me: If someone gave me a Home Depot gift card as a wedding gift, I'd hit them.

Mom: Some people would like getting a Home Depot gift card as a wedding gift.

Me: It'd be like giving a woman a frying pan. No.

Mom: What about the couples who have just purchased a new home? They'd welcome a Home Depot gift card.

Austin: Yeah. If you've already got a project in mind, like killing your mother-in-law, you could buy a chainsaw, chop her up and bury her. Funded by someone else.

 

Rugs

Austin and I were looking at rugs and these were a couple we liked.
Austin: I think the one on the right would be better. It’d hold up better and look new longer.
Me: Because the rug in the pantry held up so well.
Austin: The one on the left is too light. It’d show dirt instantly. The one on the right—
Me: Would look good for a week, versus two days for the one on the left.
Austin: Exactly.

The Day Off

Austin: I'm still tired.

Me: You're off today. Go back to bed.

Austin: [indecipherable noise] With that attitude, I'll go into work.

Me: No. Of course, the books from the bookshelf are still on the floor. If you don't want to hang another bookshelf, that's fine, but we at least need to get the books that are on the floor picked up and put on the shelf.

Austin: I'm definitely going to work.

More Cleaning

Austin: What do we still have on the to-do list?
Me: Clean all the junk out of the living room.
Austin: That’ll be easy. I’ll just take everything in there, pile it up and stack it in your bedroom.

Austin's boo-boo

Austin tackled Cassie as she was trying to run outside. Austin collided with the door and cement.

Me: Are you all right?
Austin: Yeah. I just feel like I fell really funny.
Me: Anytime you fall, it’s really funny.

 
Austin: This looks a lot better.
Me: I think it looks horrible.
Austin, flexing his bicep: I’m not talking about this. I’m talking about this (indicating scratched up arm).

Austin: That bruise looks worse and worse.
Me: It kind of looks like a fist wrapped around a candle.
Austin: Well, keep in mind, that’s where you’re always punching me.

Out to Lunch

Me: Thank you for paying for lunch. You’re so wonderful. I love you so much. I appreciate how gentle and kind you are. I appreciate that you put your teeth in.
Mom giggled.
Me: Austin was joking about it this morning.
Austin: It wasn’t a joke until I saw Rachel’s reaction.

Fantastic Sex

Austin: Do we have any other plans tonight?

Me: Well, if you're up for it, there could be some fantastic sex in your future.

Austin: Who am I having fantastic sex with?

Me, punched his arm and scowl.

Austin: I'm kidding. Seriously, I think I might only be up for mediocre sex.

Me: I don't know who you're going to get it from.

Lunch Snacks

Austin told me earlier that he needed more Hormel snacks for lunch. I mentioned that he also had Lunchables.
Austin: Only one or two. We need to start watching for coupons and sales and buy some more.
Later, the two of us in the kitchen together. I open the fridge and find a stack of Hormel lunch snacks, among others.
Me: You’ve got plenty of lunch snacks. One, two, three... ten, eleven, twelve.
Austin: Where are you looking?
So he joins me at the fridge and I move the water pitcher aside.
Me: See? One, two, three... ten, eleven. Oh, I miscounted last time. But eleven, that’s plenty. We don’t need to run out and get more.
Austin: Count again. It might only be ten this time.

Priorities

Austin was watching one of the Thor movies and I asked him a question and he yelled at me. So I blew it off and went back to working on the house.

A bit later, Austin: I'm sorry I snapped at you. I wasn't actually mad at you. I was just in a bad mood and I was watching my movie.

Me: It's fine. I know your priorities.

I should dowse his jock strap with Hellfire & Brimstone Itching Powder.

It's True Love

In a parking lot as an elderly couple is crossing the aisle.
Austin: I’m gonna ram these old people.
Me: I’m gonna ram you.
Our eyes meet, in unison: Bah Ram Ewe.

Underwear

Austin & I were watching Supernatural. Sam points out that Dean hasn’t changed his boxers in four days. The thought process of every man on the planet: Dean says, “I turn them inside out. Two and two.”
Austin: That’s a good idea.

Shut the Door

Austin had a wrap and a glass of tea in his hands and was heading upstairs.
Me: Don’t forget to lock the front door when you get a chance.
[It’s a bear to latch ever since I added insulation around the door.]
Austin, indicating his food: I’m not going to do it right now. My hands are full.
Me: I’m just telling you. So I can yell at you tomorrow if you don’t get the door shut.

Guess what I get to do when Austin gets home.

Router

Me: Mom's iPad is losing connection again.

Austin: She probably needs a new router with a larger radius of service. She has a pretty big house.

Me: That's something else we can do today.

Austin: You know what that means.

Me: Yes.

Austin: Stopping at Wal-Mart.

Me: Look, I can stand there a few minutes while you get the router.

Austin: Oh no, we're going on a spree. We're taking a few hours. I want to go up and down every single aisle.

Dinner

Me: Do you want quinoa and chicken or—
Austin: Whatever you feel like making.
Me: Mom gave me a butternut squash.
Austin: I don’t feel like butternut squash soup.
Me: You don’t look like butternut squash soup either.

Psychic Workshop

Mom was pointing to a sign for a free psychic workshop.
Me: That’s next weekend. We can go.
Austin: I can get my chakras rotated.

Turning Around

Austin pulled into a parking lot off of High.
Austin: I’m just turning around.
Me, nodding.
Austin: The car, not me. If I was turning around, it’d be hard to drive.