Chicken-Quinoa...Thing

I had some chicken thawed, but no plans for dinner. After looking through the cupboards, I started to cook the chicken.
Austin: What are you making?
Me: I don’t know.
Austin, giving me a look.
Me: I’m just kind of guessing. I’m going to make some kind of quinoa and chicken thing. You know, like cook some chicken and mix it with quinoa. I’m not really sure. A chicken-quinoa sort—
Austin gives me another look, so I punch him in the arm.
Austin: I can’t help it when my face does the face thing.

Tacky Floors

I decided to refinish the floors... below are before & after shots.

Me: The bathroom floor is still tacky in the middle, so we’ll need to take it easy again tomorrow.
Austin: That’s okay. I’ve learned to be careful since I moved into this house.
Me: I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or sincere.
Austin, sinisterly: I love you.
Me: My love is so much more threatening than yours.

Frozen Veggie Burgers

I pulled out veggie burgers from the freezer. To my dismay, they had developed a layer of frost.

Me, texting: My veggie burger has a face.

Me: So does yours.

Austin sent this back.

Raspberry Sherbet

Me: I looked it up. Kroger doesn't even make raspberry sherbet.

Austin: They have rainbow sherbet.

Me: I know, but they don't sell the raspberry individually.

Austin: They offer lime and orange individually. That's sherbet racism. Somebody needs to fight Kroger on this. Call the news.

Bagel Dream

Austin's bagel dream: To see or eat a bagel in your dream suggests that there is a key element missing from your life. You are not completely whole. This can also refer to your sexual urges.

To dream of having an abundance of a certain item indicates that you need to conserve your resources and energies. This dream may be a compensatory dream for something that you are lacking in life. More directly, abundance signifies happiness.

Austin: Velvet offers raspberry sherbet, but it's $3.59. Kroger brand is $2.50 and it's a quart and a half. Velvet is only a quart. But Kroger doesn't have raspberry. There wasn't even a slot for it.

Me: This is why you're dreaming of bagels.

Monthly Cleaning

It’s time once again to clean the sinks, toilets, etc.
Me: Do you need to use the toilet before I clean it?
Austin: No.
Me: Well, I’m going to use it really fast before I clean it.
Austin: What are you going to use it for?
Me: If I could find a way to use it to kill you, I would. But I’ll keep thinking about it.

Austin In Bed

Austin was in bed when I got home from work. And he was still in bed when I went up to check on him at 7:00. And he was still in bed when I checked on him at 8:30. But then he finally got up.
Austin: I’m sorry I didn’t spend more of the evening with you.
Me: We’re married. You’re going to spend your whole life with me.
Austin: Wow. I was trying to say something sweet. And you just turned it into this ominous threat.
Me: That’s what I’m here for.

Vacation

Austin is on vacation. Tomorrow he returns to work.
Me, hugging him before I need to leave for work: Last day of freedom, Bubby.
Austin: I said good-bye to that when I got married.

Chocolate

Me: We should have gotten chocolate today.
Austin: I did buy chocolate today. I got Andes Mints.
Me: I want chocolate that I like.
Austin: Well, like what?
Me: I don’t know. But we’re out of good chocolate. I mean, I could order chocolate, I guess.
Austin: That’s a lot of chocolate.
Me: Not of the kind I like. It’s like six bars. And chocolate is viable for like nine months.
Austin: Not in this house. You’re like a velociraptor with chocolate.
Me: A chocoloraptor.

Mythica

Austin’s watching this B-movie series, Mythica.
Me: I don’t know how you can stand to watch this &^%.
Austin: I can’t. I just put it on to get you to leave the room. Then I put something I like on.

Friday

Me: It feels like Friday.
Austin: Don’t get my hopes up.

Glasses

Me: You're so handsome.

Austin: You're not wearing your glasses.

Me: Whoops. Never mind.

Thai Food

Usually we order Thai food in person and usually, I have the menu in front of me. Not this time. I winged it.

Well ... the Bao buns can be ordered in pairs or individually. I wanted a pair of buns, one sweet, one spicy.

I'll leave it to your imagination, me trying to order Thai food with an individual who has a heavy accent and me not remembering how to speak properly.

Me: Mostly that was easy, but I felt weird with the buns.
Austin: I feel weird with buns too.
Me, pinching Austin's bum: Your buns are just weird.

Marriage of Convenience

Any time Austin or I start a new job or meet a new group of people or have a new interaction, we're always met with shock.

For some reason, Austin & I seem tremendously happy in our marriage. Many people find this inspirational and idealize our relationship.

Shock of shock, Austin and I sleep in separate beds. In separate rooms. We always have. We tried sleeping in the same bed when we first got involved, but one of us always ended up on the couch, so when we moved in together, we didn't even bother. He has his room. I have mine.

Yes, we have sex. Yes, we're both heterosexual. Yes, we like each other.

After having this rant, Austin: People think we're in a marriage of convenience.
Me: It's not convenient.

Beverage

Observing Austin’s dresser, with a glass of water, cranberry tea and a can of Crush cream soda.
Me: I was going to offer to make you a beverage, but it looks like you have plenty.
Austin: Not really. I’m out of cranberry tea and I didn’t feel like making more. I took the can of Crush so I’d have something. But once I open the can, I’ll have to drink the whole thing. And then it will be gone.
Me: What a devastating life you lead.
Austin: I’ll survive.
Me: Damn.

Our Furnace...

Me: I turned the furnace off. I figured we could have it on for a couple of hours in the morning when it’s cold, turn it off in the afternoon, then turn it on for a couple of hours at night before we go to bed.
Austin: That’s fine. I prefer it a little cold. I’m comfortable wearing a sweater around the house.
Me, hugging him: I am comfortable with my arms around you.
Austin: That’s good. I was thinking it would save us on funeral costs if we could share a casket.

Ethical Tea Partnership

Me: Our tea is from the Ethical Tea Partnership. I never noticed that before.
Austin: Well, I personally prefer immoral tea.
Me: It’s pronounced immorality.

The Crunch of Items Out of Stock

COVID-19 is hitting me where it hurts. Schools shut down, grocery stores with limited hours, items out of stock...

Me: Home Depot is out of dirt. Seriously? Where am I going to get dirt if I can’t get it from Home Depot?
Austin: Well, we do live right across the street from the school. I can get a shovel and go with you.
You can imagine what I want to do with my husband and a shovel, right?

Dishes on the Stove

Austin: I thought I’d speed up drying the dishes by turning on the stove.

Scones

This morning, I got this pain in my chest. It really hurt and seemed to be right over where my heart would be. Being a mid-forties something women, it kind of scared me.
Austin: That’s heartburn. Haven’t you had heartburn before?
Me: No.
Austin: Take some Pepto. You’ll be fine.
And I am.
Later, making scones. I put the scones in the oven. Four minutes elapse.
Me: &*@^. I forgot the butter.
Austin: I wondered.
Me: Well, with the heartburn and all, it slipped my mind.
Austin: Heartburn doesn’t affect the brain. It may be the Coronavirus.

More Than Jock Straps

Austin got an ad for masks. From a jock strap company.
Austin: I don’t know if I want to buy those. I don’t know where they’ve been.

Take-Out

Once a week, Mom, Austin & I try to get take-out once a week to support the local businesses.
Me, texting: Mom & I are going to get food. I’m taking your car. Be back in five.
Austin: I’ve waving at you from my window.
Me: I’m waving back.
Mom, complaining.
Me: Mom says we’re disgusting.
Austin: Now I’m air kissing you just for your mom.
Me: Air kissing you back. Mom is making gagging noises.
Austin: I’d keep going, but I don’t want your mom to throw up in my car.

National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day

Today is national pet disaster preparedness day. Be sure to keep your animals away from pillows, blinds, furniture and other items to prevent pet disasters.

 None of these are my dog. Not that my dog is more behaved....

I told Austin today was National Animal Disaster Prevention Day.
Austin: Does that mean that it’s raining cats and dogs?

You're Brilliant

After returning from the meat market, unloading groceries.
Me, trying to slam the trunk shut, but it just keeps popping open again.
Austin, calling from the upstairs bedroom where he’s working from home: Check the trunk switch in the car. Maybe it's stuck.
Me, going back to the car, finding the trunk switch stuck in the open position. I put the switch back in place and sure enough, the trunk shut.
Me: You’re brilliant.
Austin, calling from the window: What?
Me, yelling back: You’re brilliant.
Austin: What? So everyone can hear.

Going to the Meat Market

For the most part, I'm living my life normally, making dinner, cleaning house... But little things like going to the grocery store, thinking I could get COVID-19, makes me a little more unsettled.

Me, hugging Austin extra tight before going to the meat market with Mom: I love you so much.
Austin: You’re just going to Lanning’s, right?
Me: Yes. But every minute could be our last.
Austin: Oh. Okay, don’t kill me please.

Quarantine Day ???

This quarantine stuff is hard. I've been to the grocery store three times and went to a cemetery with my mother.

Austin is working from home and has gone to help his friends twice.

Otherwise, we've both been home. With each other.

Austin: I’m going to go upstairs and put myself on away then go for a walk, if you want to come.
Me: That’s the only reason I put on pants.

Cinco de Mayo

Austin: If we're still in quarantine for Cinco de Mayo, I think we should invent Social Distancing Pinata. It'll be just like regular pinata, but instead of hitting it with a stick, we throw rocks at it from six feet away. And after the candy comes out, we disinfect it and have to wait three days to eat it, just in case.

Broken Washer

Our washing machine is broken. I’ve ordered the replacement part, but it hasn’t arrived yet. Out of desperation, I reset the machine and put in a load. I was hoping I’d get through a few, but the motor is really grinding, so will be calling it quits after this load.
Me, through text: I don’t think I’ll be able to get more than one, maybe two loads done, Bubby. The load that’s in right now is entirely underwear, so at least we’ll have that.
In response, Austin sent me this GIF.
Me: I’m so in love with you right now, I’m at a loss for words.

I don't own the rights to this video. Stole it from YouTube.

Dying Extravaganza

Austin found a whole lot of dye on clearance for $0.76 yesterday. He bought all of it.
Austin, walking toward the checkout, then pausing, walking again, pausing again: I’m just not sure if I should buy all this.
Me: Usually I would have a problem with you bringing in that much junk, but you’ll use it. You love dying stuff. You’re constantly killing my soul.
Austin stops, stunned.
Me: A pun on dying and killing. Who are you today?

Chocolaraptor

Austin & I haven't been going as crazy as some Americans with the stocking up thing, but we are trying to cut our grocery shopping to once every two weeks. 

 

You stock up on what you want, I'll stock up on what I want...

Me, observing our bags: We should have gotten chocolate today.
Austin: I did buy chocolate today. I got Andes Mints.
Me: I want chocolate that I like.
Austin: Well, like what?
Me: I don’t know. But we’re out of good chocolate. I mean, I could order chocolate, I guess.
Austin: That’s a lot of chocolate.
Me: Not of the kind I like. It’s like six bars. And chocolate is viable for like nine months.
Austin: Not in this house. You’re like a velociraptor with chocolate.
Me: A chocoloraptor.

Running Out of Blog Material

Me: I’m running out of witty banter to put on my blog. You’re not as funny as you used to be.
Austin: Reality has set in. It’s a dark place where I live.