Breast Cancer Awareness

 It’s that time of the year again. *Sigh* My mammogram showed that my breasts were newly asymmetrical. This is often caused by changes in estrogen levels, but occasionally, cancerous cysts are the cause. Since I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, I figured it was hormonal, but in the spirit of safety, I was signed up for a more extensive diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound.

Me, to Austin: It’s probably nothing, so don’t mention breast cancer to anyone.

Austin’s boss, the following day: Are you okay?

Austin: Yeah, I’m fine.

Austin’s boss: Okee-dokey.

Austin: In the interest of complete transparency, my wife may have breast cancer. She’s at the hospital right now having tests.

BTW, I am fine. I DO NOT HAVE CANCER.

Halloween

Cassie got lots of good loving from enthusiastic trick-or-treaters. Once inside and the festivities were over, she whined to go out again.
Me: No, Cassie. You’ve had enough.
Austin: If you eat anymore trick-or-treaters, the neighbors will get suspicious.

Trick-Or-Treat

Me: The neighbor thinks trick-or-treat is on Thursday.
Austin: That’s what I said.
Me: Yeah, but Mr. X actually talks to people and interacts with the community.
Austin: I talk to people. [Raising his fist and shaking it] ‘Get off my lawn.'

In the Spirit of Halloween

 Austin: What are we doing for dinner?

Me: Some kind of chicken.

Austin, urging me with his eyes to elaborate.

Me: I don't know. On the stove. In the oven.

Austin: Which?

Me: Frankenstein.

Sorry

 Unfortunately, COVID is having a toll on us. We simply have very little new or exciting in our lives.

This blog is going to become more sporadic.

If you'd like, I do post fiction on WattPad, user ID RLand 9701.

It's not humor. I mostly write sci-fi & fantasy. I've just started posting, so not much there.

Love you!

MeUndies

 Austin, still going on about Christmas: X friend loves this website, MeUndies.

Me: You and your obsession with underwear.

Austin: We could have matching underwear, you and me. Me in boxers, you with bra and panties.

Me: No.

Austin: You wouldn't like that?

Me: No.

Austin: They have a lot of different patterns. We could all have dinosaurs. Imagine, Christmas day, knowing everyone will have on dinosaur underwear.

Me, rolling my eyes.

Austin: I think we can customize underwear even. You wouldn't want Untamed underwear?

Me: No.

Austin: Just imagine, Lan WangJi saying "Hi," on your @$$.

Untamed Christmas

I have purchased all of Austin's Christmas gifts. 

Knowing that my Untamed obsession is still going strong (I just finished reading Scumbag Villain), Austin was looking for merchandise related to the show to get me for Christmas.

 

Me: I'm not really into stuff.

Austin: I know, but I thought you might like this pillow.

Me, red-faced: No.

Austin: You wouldn't want that between your legs.

Me: No.

Austin: I could sneak it into your room, then you'd just discover these guys on your bed.

Me: No.

Austin: Or I can wrap it up for Christmas, have you open it in front of your mother.

In case you're interested, here's a link to the pillow:

Lan WangJi & Wei WuXian Pillow

To a Point

I was telling about Austin being *&#^ about helping me with the dog food, then referenced the time Austin wouldn't help me change the spigots when I was hooking up the washing machine and made me call me my mother. 

See "Washing Machine" on February 25, 2016 if you missed this one.

 Friend X: You love your husband.

Me: I love my husband to a point, a knife point.

Dog Food

Me: I carried in the rest of the groceries, but if you'd get the bags of dog food, I'd appreciate it.

Austin, playing a video game: I'm busy.

Me: You don't have to do it right now. Just as long as you don't forget.

Austin: You get them into the trunk. You should be able to carry them into the house.

Me: Those bags weigh 50 lbs each. I look like I’m epileptic getting those bags in the trunk.

My @$$

Putting on a pair of leggings.

Me, looking at the waistband: I hate it when clothes put the tag information directly on the fabric instead of on a tag. After a couple of washings, the info is gone and I can't tell which side is the front and the back.

Austin: I don't have that problem. My @$$ makes a huge impression, so all I have to do is look for the sag.

Tub Tiles

The tiles in the bathroom needed a little work, so I advised Austin that the tub was off-limits for the weekend.

Austin: When can I take a shower again? Monday?

Me: Yeah. I thought it would take me all morning to fix the tiles, but I only tinkered in the tub for a few minutes.

Austin: What did you say?

The Fun of Being Married to a Millenial

Discussing Halloween.
Austin: We’ll have to get glow sticks or something so everyone will know we’re giving out candy.
Me: Switch on the porch light.
Austin: It doesn’t work.
Me, stunned silence. Then I realize who I’m married to. I go get a fresh bulb, go out, swap it with the old.
Me: Flip the switch.
Austin did.
Me: Ta-duh!

You're Not Funny

Austin finished his BLT.
Austin: I’ll take the rest of the package of bacon now.
Me: You’re not funny.
Austin: I saw a little chuckle out of the corner of your mouth.
Me: Just because I laugh at you doesn’t mean you’re funny.

Warm

Austin: These sweatpants are so comfy. So warm.

Me: Unlike your heart.

Austin: I’ll put on a sweater. That’ll help.

Play It Dumb

 Austin: I'm going to tell my boss that I couldn't get a hold of the manager.

Me: You think your boss is going to buy that?

Austin: I'm going to play it dumb.

Me: That's what you do best.

THAT?

 

Austin: Today, the manager isn’t there. I hate having to call the store again and again. I don’t even bother asking the associates. They hem and haw, well, we need to talk to the manager. And even if they say, ‘pick it up,’ if the manager doesn’t want it picked up, then it’s a waste of time. Then it makes me feel stupid.

Me: THAT makes you feel stupid?

Austin: And you.

Disappointing Videogame

 Sorry for the delay...

Unfortunately, Austin & I have not been very funny lately.

Austin bought another videogame.

Austin: It's disappointing, not what I expected. I should give it up. It was only a dollar.

Me: I don't know. This marriage is disappointing, not what you expecting. Thoroughly disillusioning. It cost a lot more than a dollar. And here you still are.

SPA

Guppy comes whining to me.

Me, to Guppy: No. You're only getting fed twice a day. Go away.

Austin, give me a look.

Me: Guppy was really skinny when we first brought her home, but now that she's starting to fatten up, I'm trying to cut back how often I feed her.

Austin: She is getting fat. A little stout, a lager.

Me: She's a pale ale.

Austin: Exactly, she's an India Pale Ale.

Me: She's Siamese, not Indian.

Austin: Fine, she's a Siam Pale Ale. We'll call her spa for short.

Universal Translator

Austin is showing me this new translator app that Apple is giving us free on our phone. With my Untamed obsession lately, I've really been pretty hung up on the language and how every word in Chinese sounds the same and wishing I could just understand every language.

Me: Oh! That's wonderful! I love you. Embrasse-moi!

Austin, comes over to hug me, then I kiss him.

Me: It means hug and kiss both.

Austin, to the phone: Hug me.

The phone: Embrassez-moi.

Austin, to the phone: Kiss me.

The phone: Embrassez-moi.

Me: I just told you they were the same!

Austin: I just wanted to see if the phone agreed with you.

Memes

I was laughing at memes on Facebook and Austin wanted to know what was so funny, so I showed him.

Austin: I don't get it. Explain why this is funny.

Me: I love you so much, it hurts sometimes.

The Mummy Who Came In From the Cold

 God, I love my husband...

So Austin & I were watching yet another documentary on mummies, The Mummy Who Came In From the Cold.

Austin: That's the biggest Hot Pocket I've ever seen.

Walk

 Every day on Austin's break, he takes a walk. Every day, every single time, sometimes after work and in the evening, Austin asks me to join him.

Austin: I'm going on a walk.

Me, curled up in bed, reading a good book: I'm in my jammies.

Austin: So you're not coming?

Condiments

Still at lunch, same group. Me, Mom, Austin, Friend Y & Friend X.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I don't like condiments. I get a lot of flack for this. Like when people find out I'm allergic to coffee; therefore, I don't drink it. A lot of people act like I'm a blue wombat with tusks growing out of my forehead. 

We were going through the self-serve bar, pulling napkins, flatware, condiments. Friend X was grabbing stacks for everyone and then putting it in the center of the table for anyone who wanted them.

Me, feeling awful about the excessive condiment packets that we're not going to use and how wasteful we're being, to Friend X: You may not know this, but I don't like condiments. 

Austin: Yeah, she doesn't put ketchup or mustard on hotdogs.

Me: Hotdogs are bologna cylinders and are disgusting all by themselves.

Austin: She doesn't like mayonnaise, so no potato salad.

Friend Y: I don't like potato salad either.

Austin: Yeah, but she doesn't like ketchup on French fries.

Friend Y: I don't like condiments either.

Me: I love you!

Mulan

 Me, Mom, Austin, Friend Y & Friend X all go out to lunch together.

Friend Y expresses interest in seeing Mulan. She's heard a lot of good things about it.

Friend Y: I'm house sitting this weekend. They stream Disney, so I'm going to watch it.

Me: It's not free on Disney until December 4. If you want to watch it now, it's like $30.

Friend Y: That's outrageous!

Me: I think so too.

Friend X: Well, if you think about going to a movie theater to see it, it probably costs that much with popcorn and everything.

Mom: And if you've got a bunch of kids, you take the whole family...

Me: I guess, but I'm just a single woman alone--

Austin: It's like I'm not even here.

BLT

Austin finished his BLT.

Austin: I’ll take the rest of the package of bacon now.

Me: You’re not funny.

Austin: I saw a little chuckle out of the corner of your mouth.

Me: Just because I laugh at you doesn’t mean you’re funny.

Literally

After cleaning the kitchen floor.

Me: I have got a ton of splinters in these pajamas. I think I’ve gotten them all.
Austin: So, you literally have a stick up your butt.

Wallhanging

Austin works full-time, so even though I occasionally work full-time, even over-time, most of the household fix-it jobs are mine. So when our wedding certificate fell off the wall, it was my job to rehang it.

I should have thrown it out...

 
Me, letting Austin know it’s fixed: She’s hung.
Austin: What did your mom do to deserve it?

Holiday Tree

Austin: I almost had a crazy idea.
Me: I’m sure it was completely crazy.
Austin: I was thinking we could get a Christmas tree.
Me: We have a Christmas tree.
Austin: I was thinking like a Halloween Christmas tree, then a Thanksgiving Christmas tree, then a Christmas Christmas tree.
Me, making a face: I could see a Halloween tree, but not a Thanksgiving tree.
Austin: You don’t want a tree with a cornucopia and all the delicious food?
Me: Delicious food belongs in my stomach, not on a tree.
Austin: I think we can do both.
Me: Just for that—wait, I can’t quite get it to come. Oh, there it is. [Small flatulence.] I fart in your general direction.
Austin: A for effort.
Me: And an S for smell.
Austin: That was an A and two S’s.