The Wonderful Wizard of…

 Austin: I’m off.

Me: To see the wizard?

Austin: I wish. Maybe he could give me a brain and a heart.

Me: A brain for you and a heart for me?

Austin: Yeah, and a way to my real home.

Still Freezing

 Me, bundled in layers: The furnace is running constantly and it’s still only 67 degrees in the house. At least, the thermometer says it’s 67. Undoubtedly it’s colder in some places.

Austin: Like around your heart.

Merry Christmas

 So I’ve been working six weeks straight without a break. I’ve put off doing laundry, so…

For anyone who doesn’t know, my bedtime is 9:00.

Austin, presenting a Milka chocolate bar: I thought we would enjoy it together.

Me: I need to get a shower and get to bed.

Austin: But chocolate.

Me: I’ll have one piece quickly.

Austin: But chocolate is something to be enjoyed and savored.

Me: Austin, I’m tired. I’ve been doing laundry all day. I have done almost twelve loads of laundry today. I’ve successfully completed 10 loads.

Austin, singing: Ten loads of laundry, nine separate piles, eight bottles of detergent.

Then he couldn’t continue anymore because he was laughing so hard. Just a minute ago, I heard him laughing again. Clearly I married a comedian.

Frozen

 Me: The storm door is frozen shut.

A little bit later, Austin: I got the door open.

Me: Thanks.

Austin: Just be careful, because there’s glass everywhere.

He's a Prince

 Me: I need to potty.

Austin: Like it’s 1999?

Have I Told You Today?

 Me: Have I told you today that I love you?

Austin: You’ve shown me.

Me: I don’t recall anything. What have I done to show you?

Austin: I’ve learned the right things to say. It’s training.

Eccentric Couple

 Austin: We need to be that eccentric couple.

Me: We are.

Austin: I mean, we need to be loud about it. 

Me: You already are.

Austin: I need you to do it with me. We need to make sure everyone in the neighborhood knows.

Me: They do.

Thanksgiving Leftovers

Me: I almost made a batch of cookies, but then I remembered we still have half a pumpkin pie in the fridge.

Austin: I wouldn’t mind it.

Me: I don’t do things for you.

Weight

 Austin & I have been on a health kick since September. I’ve lost 10 pounds so far. This weekend, I put on a pound. Well, this morning, I gained another pound. And Thanksgiving…

Me: I gained another pound.

Austin: Don’t feel bad. I gained weight too.

Me: How is that supposed to make me feel better about my weight gain?

Austin: I thought my suffering would make you feel better.

Me: In general, it does, but it doesn’t help me with the pounds I’ve gained.

Cthulhumas

 This tee is perfect for Austin. (Teeturtle.com, if you’re interested.)

But Austin doesn’t want it.

Austin: I don’t like shirts you can’t wear all year round.

Me: You can wear that any time you want.

Austin: No you can’t. It’s Christmas themed.

Me: Cthulhu can have a holiday whenever he wants. Just because it has -mas on the end doesn’t make it Christmas.

Austin: Yes, it does.

Me: It’s like Michaelmas; it’s in September. Cthulhu can have a holiday whenever.

Austin: What?

Me: Michaelmas. It’s—

Austin: You made that up.

Forgetful

 Austin and I were arguing about which of us has the better memory. It’s me.

Me: Excuse me? You don’t even know when I was born.

Austin: I know when you were born.

Me: When?

Austin: It’s either January tenth or January twelveth.

Me: See?

Austin: I can remember important things.

Me: My birthday isn’t important?

Austin: It doesn’t matter if I don’t remember it. If I need to know it, I can get into your wallet and pull out your driver’s license to check the date.

Take Over

 This is what I always say when I’m going to be in the bathroom for a while, getting ready, etc.

Me: I’m going to take over the bathroom.

Austin: Don’t do a hostile takeover. Maybe peaceful negotiations will work.

Yogurt

 Austin and I have become yogurt making fiends. We use 6 oz. Evaporated milk and 36 oz. 2% milk for a batch. Usually Austin uses one of the cups to measure out the ounces. I start making a batch of yogurt. We had half a can of evaporated milk leftover, so I dumped it in. I then used the can to measure out the milk.

Austin: What are you doing!

Me: This is a 12 ounce can. Three cans will complete the batch.

Austin: That’s just craziness.

 

Tension Tamer Tea

 Me: There is catnip in my Tension Tamer tea. Seriously, what )&#$ kind of conversation was going on at Celestial Seasonings for someone to say, “And let’s put catnip in this.”

Friend X: Catnip is a herb lol, just don’t start running around the house or rolling around on the floor lol.

Rabid Badger

 “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon was on the radio. It gave my chills as I recalled my 14 year old best friend from school and her eighteen year old boyfriend used to sing this to each other. This was their song.

Me: I just feel the need to let you know this was X and Y’s love song back in school.

We mumbled a bit about the fact that we don’t have a song.

Austin: I guess this could be our song.

Me: Yuck. No. Have you ever felt the need to fight your feelings for me?

Austin: I don’t fight anything with you. Fighting with you is like fighting a rabid badger with no hands while blindfolded.

Harriet Tubman

 Me: I watched a biography on Harriet Tubman. Very good. Very informative.

Austin: Harriet Tubman was a very important person. She did a lot for America. She invented the bathtub. before her, we only had showers.

Me: If the NAACP show up, I’m letting them take you.

Hall & Oats

 Listening to the radio and Hall & Oats come on.

Hall & Oats: One on One, I want to play my game tonight. 

Me: Hey bubby, they’re talking about you.

Austin: That’s right. Elden Ring. Go away, I want to play my game.

Blood

 Me: I don’t think the blood translates.

Austin: Technically, skeletons don’t bleed.

Naked Nutcracker

 Me: There’s a show called Hip Hop Nutcracker coming to CAPA.

Austin: I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Me: I didn’t say that it was. 

Austin: I’ll bet the dancing is amazing.

Me: From the pictures, it looks pretty good.

Austin: I’ll bet over the centuries, there’s been several different incarnations of the Nutcracker.

Me: Probably. In the 70s, they probably had a Naked Nutcracker.

Austin: No. No man would be in a show called Naked Nutcracker.

Low Sodium Turkey

 Me: Sugar & Spice is out of low sodium turkey. The girl at the counter said she didn’t know if they would be able to get it back in. They were having trouble keeping it stock.

Austin, deflated.

Me: It’s always the stuff you like, bubby.

Austin: Next thing you know, I’m going to run out of wife. 

Me: Nah, I’ll probably just die.

Austin: I don’t know how I’m going to find another turkey. Everything else is so salty.

Me: I’m pretty salty.

Neighbors

 Me: Another of our neighbors put their house up for sale.

Austin: I wouldn’t think they could smell me from all the way up there.

Six Pack

 Austin & I have been to the Y a couple of times. He’s even made plans of making our dinners more healthy.

Me: Hey, you sexy, gorgeous man.

Austin: Just wait until I have a six pack…

Me, snickering.

Austin: of beer in my hand.

Tool

 Austin & I ate out at a little diner with disposable dinnerware. I picked up the paper plates and plastic flatware.

A fork fell on the floor, so I picked it up and slipped it in my purse. Austin gave me the stink eye.

Me: This guy didn’t want to go in the trash. He wants to come home with us.

Austin: A tool. It. Is. A. Tool.

Me: Tool. You. Are. A. Tool.

Birthday

 I’m making a cake for a birthday party next week. Austin suggested I buy a mix. Sometimes I love that man so much. Other times, it’s like I’m married to a stranger.

Vacation Con’t

 Austin and I are long overdue for a vacation and the hot tub with our lodge is working overtime.

Bubbles rise up from Austin’s swim trunks.

Austin: That’s from some oxygen that got trapped in the trunks.

Me: Sure it is.

Vacation

 Austin & I were enjoying some time in the hot tub relaxing.

Austin: These jets are just like a massage.

Me: I can give you a massage.

Austin swims over to my side and parks himself in front of me, so I rub his shoulders.

Austin: I know what you’re thinking. Don’t shove me underwater.

Me: I had that thought a minute ago and have already moved on.

Doctors

 Me: I know you don’t want any details, but I need to call my gynecologist. I’ve got a discharge and some burning down there. I’m pretty sure I know what it is, but I just want to talk to her about it.

Austin: X is a competent dentist. I bet he could spray some clean you up and spray some water and everything would be fine.

Little Old Lady

 While Austin & I were out on our walk, car zipped pasted and honked at us. We both jumped, then as the car continued past, we realized it was my sister’s car. My sister is 57.

Austin: Your sister scared me.

Me: She did fly up through there pretty fast.

Austin, singing: It’s the little old lady from Pasadena.

Me: You sing that to my sister and she’ll drop you on your ass.

Remember the Lentils?

Remember this? It’s that time again.

Austin: I took out the trash.

Me: In your room or in the kitchen?

Austin: The kitchen.

Me: Wow!

Austin: I figure if I can wave around the thing about the lentils once a year, I can take out the trash one a year.

 

Toilet Talk

 I work from home and my boss was complaining to the team that we were away from our computers too much. 

Boss: If you need to go to the bathroom, stretch your legs, whatever, it’s fine. But if you’re going to be away from your computer for more than five minutes, let me know.

So I was telling Austin this conversation.

Austin: Well, I don’t always know how long I’m going to be in the bathroom. Sometimes I go in there thinking it will be a two minute thing and it turns out to be a 10 minute thing. Sometimes, I have a dump so huge, I come out of there limping.

How Much I Love You

Me, lying on the couch, splitting headache, having gotten up too early after a poor night’s sleep and working in the yard at the crack of dawn.

Austin: Have I told you enough today that I love you?

Me: Not even close.

Austin, standing at the end of the couch, arms open: I love you.

Me: If you loved me, you wouldn’t make me get off of this couch.

Austin, arms still open.

Me, finally sitting up. He bends over to embrace me.

Austin, awkwardly hunched: If you loved me, you’d stand up.

Me: You can see how much we love each other.

Knife

 Austin: You know, now that I’m doing a lot of camping, I should get a hunting knife. I mean, I already have a battle axe.

Strange New Worlds

 Apparently Star Trek: Strange New Worlds’ Captain Pike’s hair has a strong following.

Austin: I get it. Captain Pike’s hair is mesmerizing. How do they get the gray and white to stay like that, the wave in his hair? And in a man so young. It’s like watching hypno-toad.

Me: And yet, here I am, a heterosexual woman and I don’t care.

Watch Out

 Austin, while playing with his Occulus: Watch out, Sarah!

Me: She’s blind. How exactly is she supposed to’watch out’?

Baby Pears

 Me, examining the miniature pears on our tree : Ah, ain’t dem coot?

Austin: Yeah.

Me: What do you think they’ll be when they grow up? 

Austin, shrugging.

Me: Maybe apples?

Austin: I think that one’s going to be a stripper.

Errands

 Austin & I ran errands this morning.

Austin: Should we go to TSC first, then Home Depot, then Aldi?

Me: We should go to Aldi first. Or Home Depot. I usually park at Aldi then walk to home depot, but I know how you are. Then Kroger, then TSC.

Austin, getting into the middle lane of the street: I think we should go to TSC.

Me: Why ask me if you’re going to do what you want anyway?

Austin: The pleasure of defying you. It’s the little wins.

Celebration!

 Me, squealing.

Austin: Are you all right?

Me: A miracle has happened. I have lost three pounds.

Austin: Let’s celebrate.

Me: Want to get ice cream?

A Sign

 A sign of how tired I am.

I needed a nice long bath. I turned the knob on and went to put my hair up. I worried that the water would burn my foot off, so I dunked my toe in to test the water.

JESUS! That was cold. I darted across the room. 

I emptied the tub, distressed that the water was cold. I turned on the other knob and it too was cold. Why wouldn’t it be?

I went to Austin. He had taken a shower that morning.

Me: The water was fine when you took a shower, right?

Austin: Yeah. Maybe I used up all the hot water.

Me: Our hot water tank is only two years old. 

Austin: And that was several hours ago. It should have refilled.

Time went by. Austin made dinner. I decided to see if the water in the kitchen sink was cold. Nope, it was hot. 

Damn, that meant there was a problem with the upstairs shower. I’d switched the faucet to bath, so maybe something had rusted and broken, cutting off the hot water line. But it was getting late and I had work in the morning. I wouldn’t have time to get into the panelling and look at the plumbing till the weekend.

I sat on the ledge, a strange thought creeping into my brain as I stared at the corroded knobs.

I turned the knob at the left. (I had previously turned the one at the right.)

Jesus, I turned on the wrong knob. After a minute, the water was hot, just like it always is when you turn on the knob with a corroded H on it.

Sunday

 In Ohio, EST, it’s 8:52 a.m. Austin has weekends off and he is enjoying sleeping in. Especially after the adventures we had canoeing yesterday. 

However, in 8 minutes, our cat Guppy is going to start yowling. 

Guppy wants milk froth. Austin has trained her that when he makes his morning cup of coffee, that she should have a little of the milk froth he puts in his mug. She loves it. And Austin starts work at 9:00 each day. So in 8 minutes, when he’s not out of bed, Guppy will remind him that it is time for him to give her milk froth.

And when he grumbles and slouches past me, I will remind him that he trained her to do this.

Because he thought it was cute.

Spaghetti

 Making a good spaghetti sauce takes hours. When I started this morning, I sent Austin this picture, because I thought it looked really good. However, Austin sent me back a scream emoji.

Later, Austin: wow, it smells good in here.

Me: I’m surprised you think so. What with the scream emoji.

Austin: what did you expect? The picture you sent me looked like vegetables and mice chopped up in a blender.

We’ll see if I share.

Priorities

 Austin and I are taking a couple of mini-vacas in August.

Me: X is busy August fourth through the seventh. She’s also house sitting for another friend August eleventh through the fourteenth.

Austin: Well, you need to tell X that she needs to recognize who her real friends are.

Me, picking up my phone to text X.

Austin: Don’t tell her I said that.

Waxing

 Austin: X likes waxing so much. I’m thinking of making the switch.

Me, a little shocked, but then I roll my eyes: X is a masochist.

Austin: I’m married to you, so I am too.

Blind

 I have retinitis pigmentosa. I’ve known my whole life, but I was told that it was a mild form and I wouldn’t go blind. Well, at my last visit with the ophthalmologist, he said that the vision in my eye was so bad, that there was a danger of retinal tearing, that I might in fact go blind, at least in one eye.

Our dog Sarah is blind and she isn’t bothered by it, but she’s a dog.

Me: I won’t be able to drive anymore. I won’t be able to go to the grocery store by myself on the weekdays like I like. We’d have to go together.

Austin: Nah, I’d go alone. Unless I can put you on a leash and drag you around the way we do with Sarah.

Yogurt

 The hubs pulls out one of this Greek yogurt containers.

Austin: Oops, this one has an expiration date of May sixth.

Me: Well, that’s only a couple weeks. Yogurt is like wine, the cultures have more time to grow. Should be okay.

Austin, a few minutes later: It tastes okay. Now, if I fall on the floor, writhing in pain—

Me: We have lunch with X. We’d have to cancel.

Austin: You’d go without me.

Me: You’re right. I would.

Grocery List Guessing Game

 

Any idea what this says? Any guesses? 

There’s a clue in “mayonnaise.”

Me: Does this say Hellmann’s?

Austin: Of course it does.

Me: That doesn’t look anything like “Helllman’s”

Autsin: Yes, it does. The H is just a little wonkey. 

Weed Eating

 So, I gave Austin the run down on how to use the weed eater and not break the cord.

Austin: Okay. If I break the cord, I’ll let you know.

An hour in and many breaks later, also some whining.

Austin: I broke the cord. Can you help me?

So I fix it.

Austin: That looks really easy.

Me: It is. [I explain how easy it is.]

Austin: Next time it breaks, I’ll have you show me.

Me: Well, it probably won’t break again for a while.

Not five minutes later.

Austin: Honey.

So I show him how to fix it.

Austin: Okay, that’s really easy. I can do that. But next time, I’ll want your supervision, just to make sure I’m doing it right.

Me: I don’t have super vision. I have 40/20 vision and that’s with brand new glasses.

Not ten minutes later.

Austin: Honey.

Chocolate

I just spent over $100 on a couture chocolate collection. For some reason, this led into a long conversation about restricted diets and limited food consumption, food elimination

 A lot of my friends have developed dietary restrictions. Once upon a time, you were old in your 40s, but it doesn’t seem that way to me now. I have a few friends who are glucose-free, lactose intolerant. I have a friend who caught a rare disease after traveling and is on the FODMAP diet FOR LIFE and another who is stuck on a strict Mofitt diet. And then I have an older friend whose kidney function is poor and is on a strict diet for that.

Austin: A lot of people have food allergies. Imagine if you were allergic to chocolate.

Me: I had a friend who was allergic to chocolate in school.

Austin: Some people have horrible allergies like that. X’s kid was allergic to eggs when he was little. They couldn’t have eggs for a long time. You’re the only person I know allergic to coffee.

Me: I know a couple of people, besides me. But they drink it anyway.

Austin: Really? I know more people allergic to chocolate. But seriously, imagine it. If you had to give up chocolate. You life depended on it. You would die if you ate chocolate.

And I did think about it. Because continued from above, I also have a lot of friends with diabetes. My entire life I’ve known people with diabetes. My grandmother was diabetic and baked cakes for a living and… um, the doctor would have to give her long heart-to-hearts. And a couple of years ago a friend died of heart disease because he couldn’t get his diet in line. 

And on and on and on.

Me: I would die.

Dream

 Austin came down the stairs. I was reading on the couch, nibbling at a bagel.

Austin: What are you doing up so early?

I check the clock. It’s after 10:00.

Me: It’s not early.

Austin: Oh. You’re just like a dream. I thought I was still sleeping.

Me: Don’t say crap like that while I’m eating. I’ll choke.

Austin’s Creative cooking

 A Pac Man eating a heart pancake.

Walking

 

Legible Grocery List

 Someone broke into our house and wrote legibly on our grocery list. I can’t imagine who would do that. I have no doubt what onion flakes is. We don’t need them, but boy, that is well-written.

For 4/20 Day

 Austin and I match underwear. It’s a new thing we do. Or not so new. Anyway, Austin was asking which pair of underwear we should wear today.

Me, a bad joke coming to mind: We should do bees.

I smirk to myself.

Me: Do you get it?

We really do have bee underwear:

Resurrection

 My sister invited my husband & I to church for Easter this year. Teeth-cringing, telling her no.

Austin: It was nice of her to invite us. But we celebrate zombies on Halloween.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not in line with the resurrection she’s talking about.

In the Shoe

 Austin wanted to go walking, so I rushed to get dressed, but as I made my way to the kitchen, a little pebble made itself known. There was no way I was going to be able to take a walk with a pebble poking my foot.

Me: just a minute, I have something in my shoe.

Austin: yeah, a foot. Either the left one or the right one.

PB Pie

When COVID hit and we couldn’t go out for my sister’s birthday, I asked her if she’d like me to bake her a cake. My cakes are awesome. No, she wanted a peanut butter pie. So now it’s a tradition. Every year for her birthday, I make her a peanut butter pie. And it’s amazing, though it will cause a heart attack due to the calories.

This year I’m working and still dealing with my mother’s estate.

Me: It’s going to be tough, having time to get the pie done, and your tiramisu and ice cream for Easter.

Austin: You can skip your sister’s pie.

Me: I ca not.

Austin: Sure you can.

Me: You tell her. I dare you.

Austin: Or you can get her a Reese’s peanut butter cup. It’s a pie. Miniature.

But & Pis

 So I made butter ice cream and pistachio ice cream and put them in two separate containers. To simplify life, I put But and Pis on the containers, so we would know which was which.

Do I really need to explain how this came back to bite me when Austin opened the freezer?

Listening

 Austin was rambling on and on about work. After the long diatribe.

Austin: Thank you for listening to me.

Me: I only do it about half of the time. Actually, that's an overestimation.

Dressed

 We were getting low on groceries, so I had to make the trek out of the house.

Me, whining: I don’t want to get dressed.

Austin: You don’t have to. I’m pretty sure they’ll still take your money.

Me: I’m going to Aldi, not Wal-Mart.

God Likes Me

 So, I have a tall mug with the Eiffel Tower and some French writing on it. It’s presently my favorite mug. And Austin broke it.

I forced myself not to get upset, because it’s just a mug and we really don’t need a bunch of mugs cluttering up our cupboards. But it was my favorite.

Today, Austin’s favorite glass tumbled out of the dish drying rack, but it was inside a plastic take out container, so it didn’t break.

Me: God was with me today. This glass is a lot more delicate than the mug you broke yesterday, but it was saved by the oddity of the way it fell inside of the plastic take out container, then to the floor.

Austin: Yeah, like God cares about mugs and glasses.

Me: God likes me better you. 

PETA

 I do not support PETA, nor do I believe in the &*#% they spew. However, Austin & I were watching Penn & Teller: Bullsh*t on Hulu. Not a bad show, but biased and dated.

Their first season on PETA showed that PETA thinks that we should abolish animal cruelty. They don’t even believe we should have pets, that we’re enslaving animals.

Me, carrying Sarah up to Austin’s room, because she’s blind, old and can’t handle the stairs.

Austin: I think PETA has this whole animal-enslavement thing backwards.

Blue Violin

 Me, texting Austin, going through Mom’s stuff: Do you want this?

Austin, texting back: Set it aside. I might put it in the bathroom for a while before getting rid of it.

Me: There’s also a brown.

Austin: I don’t want the brown one, just the blue.

Me: Racist.

 

Poor Quality Chocolate

 I am slowly but surely eating the day after Valentine’s Day marked down candy. Chocolate hearts with crispy rice. Austin called me a heretic for eating it.

Austin: That is poor quality chocolate!

Me: There’s not enough chocolate in this for it to be poor quality.

Underwear Mania Continued

 Austin: It’s your turn to pick what underwear we’re wearing today.

Me: I say we go commando.

Matching Underwear Mania

 You guys are aware that Austin & I wear matching underwear 95% of the time, right? This has come up before, right?

Well, I now get photographs like this texted to me so I can get dressed at my leisure, but still select the correct underwear.

Sorry for those who are all TMI. This is my life, y’all.

Bobas

 Austin bought a can of bubble tea. You know the kind, with big tapioca beads at the bottom. They’re called bobas.

Austin: Do you want some of my tea?

Me: No, I don’t like bobas.

Austin: I like your bobas.

*smh*

AI Fun

 

Obsessed with Safety

 I was watching Wild Crimes on Hulu. The person said that Harold, the murder suspect, was obsessed with safety. It reminded me of Austin and his hyper-obsession with safety.

Me: You should be watching this show. This guy is obsessed with safety and got away with killing his first wife. You could get some tips. Would a guy who’s obsessed with safety let his wife crawl under a car to get lug nuts.

Austin: Of course he’d let his wife crawl under a car. He’s obsessed with safety. His own safety.

Snow Days

 We have 6-8 inches of snow on the ground and are in a level three snow emergency in our area.

Full of ^&@^

 So, it’s first thing in the morning, Sunday morning. My first thing in the morning thing is to go to the bathroom. Well, as I’m using the potty, I hear my husband puttering around the kitchen. I finish up and come out, embrace him.

Me: What are you doing up so early?

Austin: I’m just up. It’s not so shocking.

Me: Yeah, it is. You never get out of bed this early.

Austin: I was out of bed this early yesterday.

Me: Yeah, but you were meeting X. You never get out of bed this early without a reason.

Austin, tightening our embrace: You’re my reason.

Me: You’re full of shit. And I’m not, because I just finished using the facilities.

Austin: You better check again.

Thank You For Thinking of Me

 Austin went out with friends and left me alone all day to enjoy myself. When he came home, he brought me a plain cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Austin: I know you don’t usually like McDonalds, but there was a 2 for $6, so I thought I’d bring you one.

Me: Thank you for thinking of me.

Austin: I think of you a lot. Of ways to murder you, ways to torture you…

Getting Up

 It was 11:00 and I had the day off. I was putting it off, but…

Me: I’m going to have to brush my teeth here…

Austin: Well, don’t do it right here.

Me, swallowing my groan, go over to hug him.

Long, drawn out, lingering hug.

Me: I’m trying not to strangle you.

Austin: You’re not trying that hard, because it kind of hurts.

Ten Year Challenge

 

Hard to tell who has it worse, Austin or Sarah.

Money

 Since my house is paid off and was paid off before Austin moved in, I’ve never charged Austin rent, though it’s been an ongoing joke that I would start charging him rent. Only in the past year or so has Austin started sharing house insurance and house taxes with me.

Mom’s probate is ongoing, so I’m still dealing with lawyers, but my sense of humor is improving.

Me, handing Austin the monthly list of bills: The house taxes came today. If I hadn’t walked up to the post office, you wouldn’t have to pay house taxes this month.

Austin: I may still not have to pay it.

Me: Well, if that’s the case, I might have to start charging you rent. No, since you work from home now, it’s office space, so I’ll start charging you for commercial office space. And since you’re taking up more bandwidth, I’ll have to charge you more for internet, like a 60/40 split.

Austin: It’s a good thing you’ve still got that lawyer, because we’re going to have to put this in writing.

Sarah the Wonder Dog

 Sarah’s new thing is hanging out in Austin’s room. He keeps it like a sauna up there and Sarah is missing a lot of hair, so she loves to sneak (well, she’s blind, so she doesn’t sneak) into his room and sleep in front of the room heater. Being blind, she can’t make it up and down the stairs by herself, so Austin and I obligingly carry Miss Spoiled-Pants everywhere she goes.

This morning, I let her cry a full five minutes before I finally caved and toted her up the steps. But in the afternoon, Sarah was content to hang out with me. Two hours later, three hours later, still chilling in the living room without any interest in the illustrious sauna room with the magnificent space heater.

Me: Sarah has been sleeping all afternoon. No whimpering, no whining. I have no idea what’s up.

Austin: I peed on her rug. She doesn’t want to be in my room anymore.

Banana Ice Cream

 Making banana ice cream. I tasted the base before putting it in the mixer. Delicious!

Me, texting Austin: Banana ice cream is the best tasting ice cream in the world.

A few seconds later, footsteps on the stairs.

Austin: Oh. I thought it was done.

Ice Cream Containers

 One of the things that Austin got me for Christmas that had me gob-smacked was plastic ice cream containers. He in fact got me a Kitchen Aid stand mixer attachment for making ice cream, so not entirely out in left field, but here is our storage container cupboard:

And because we ran out of room in our storage container cupboard, here is the other storage container cupboard chockfull of restaurant doggie bag containers. The cups are from our numerous soup purchases. 

Now, keeping this in mind.

Me: We have tons of storage containers.

Austin: These are special containers for ice cream.

Before I can object, Austin: They’re specifically for the freezer, to keep your ice cream at the perfect temperature.

Me: I knew you were going to say that.

Austin: Now that you have an ice cream maker, you’re going to want to want to experiment and you’re going to want to put them in the perfect container so we can enjoy the ice cream at the optimal temperature and texture.

Me: You do realize that ice cream manufacturers have been putting ice cream in cardboard containers for decades, right?

In case you’re interested, Amazon sells these so you too can have perfect ice cream containers:

Call the Midwife

 Watching Call the Midwife, the Christmas special. A drug-addicted baby was born in the episode.

The doctor said: I’ve never seen anything like this before.

Austin: He hasn’t? This is season eleven. They’re having babies out of their ears now.

Me:That’s true. That line is a bit unbelievable. 

My Dental Appointment