Potluck

Me: We're having a potluck at work. Do you have any suggestions for what I should bring?
Austin: Nothing that's not sarcastic and mean.

Thoughtless

Austin: You're so wonderful and thoughtful.
Me: I try not to give you a thought.
Austin: I thought you tried not to think.

The ensuing was not pretty.
Austin: Zing.

Love Optimist

Me: I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.
Austin: Well, maybe in the future that love will wither and it will be more realistic to tell me.
Me: That's the way to see the bright side.
Austin: I'm an optimist.

New Shoes

Everyone says how sweet and wonderful Austin is . . . but no one ever says they'd like to take him home and keep him.

Austin is in love with his new shoes. A friend told him her boyfriend had the same shoes and that he loves them too. She told him how stylish they are.
Austin: I didn't get these shoes for style. I got them for comfort. I'm an old man. And X's boyfriend is an old man too.
Me: We're all in love with old men.
Austin, grabbing me: I'm not ! (Shaking me) I'm not, am I?
Then he squeezes my boobs.

Really, I'm selling him. Best offer.

Out of Bed

Me: Everyone at work was impressed that you were up this morning when I left.
Austin: They should be impressed all the time because I'm awesome.

Digestives

Austin was complaining about his increasing waist line.

Me: Those digestives are cookies, just because they're tasteless doesn't mean they don't have calories.
Austin: I know, and don't call them tasteless. Some people just can't appreciate their subtle flavors. Someone put a lot of blood and sweat into creating those.
Me: If you don't want your blood and sweat on the floor--
I didn't have to finish the threat.

Austin had some indigestion yesterday.
Me: I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I hate it when you're in pain, especially when I didn't cause it.

Later, Me: I borrowed some Pepto from Mom. It's only a year after the expiration date.

Next day, Austin getting ready to go to friends.
Austin: I haven't eaten anything today. I'm worried about what will happen if I eat.
Me: Take some crackers.
Austin: I already have some.
Me: And I hate to say, but you have two packs of Digestives.
Austin was not amused.

Have I . . . ?

Me: Have I told you today that I love you?
Austin: You told me this morning.
Me: I lied.
Austin: B^&$% 

Me: Have I told you today that I love you?
Austin: I'm sick of your lies.

 

Spinach

My brother-in-law mows lawn for me and my mom. Mom doesn't live with us, she lives about a street away.

Mom: My spinach has gotten so big. It's sprawling everywhere.
Austin: Yeah, mine was doing so well.
Mom: X mowed over an inch or two at the top.
Austin: Mine was a fatality.

Dr. Who

We were watching a Dr. Who episode.
Austin, repeating the Doctor: It took my bedspread.
Me: You took me heart.
Austin: It was delicious.

I Love You

I made spaghetti sauce again last night.
Me: I think it turned out really good, but I'm not sure you'll like it. You'll probably like it.
Austin: When have I ever not liked your spaghetti sauce?
Me: I know you always say that you like it, but that doesn't really mean anything.
Austin: Well, how can you tell when I'm telling you the truth.
Me: I can't.
Austin, maniacal smile: I love you.

Mick Jagger

OK, so I know that Tik Tok by Kesha has been out a while, but honest to God, every time I hear the line, "But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger," I just flutter my eyes.

Seriously, is there anyone out there who doesn't think Mick Jagger looks like roadkill? I mean, if you actually thought it was Mick Jagger, 'kay, but if the guy only has Mick Jagger's looks . . . I get the whole rhyming thing, but you couldn't find a guy who was cute then try to rhyme his name?

Proof that Austin & I have been together too long:
Austin: I don't think I know who Mick Jagger is. I mean, I probably do and I just can't think who that is.
Me: Remember the Family Guy episode where they show that video Dancin' In the Streets with Mick Jagger and David Bowie. And Peter says, "We let that happen"? That's Mick Jagger.
Austin: Oh yeah, you're right. Mick Jagger looks awful.

*Please note, I hate Family Guy.

Making Love

Me: I really enjoyed making love to you last night.
Austin: Is that what we did? OUCH! I deserved that.

Glass

Austin asked me what I was going to do today.
Me: I'm taking my car to Richardson's Glass to have the windshield fixed.
Austin:That's that place in Mt. Vernon.
Me: No, it's in Newark.
Austin: I think you should take it to Heisey Glass. They could make your windshield all pretty with patterns and different colors. 

In case you don't know about Heisey Glass, this is a pic from the museum. 

P-joint

Me: I bought the P-joint for the leak in the bathroom, but the pipes are so corroded, I can't replace it.
Austin: That's hysterical.
Me: Because I can't fix a pipe?
Austin: No, the P-joint for the toilet.
Me: It's the sink.
Austin: Oh, that's not as funny.

Bookmarks

Mom gave me & Austin bookmarks from her trip. She got me this great 3-D dinosaur bookmark. But Austin . . .
Me: Why did you get Austin a butterfly bookmark?

Austin, practically singing it: Because it's got a lot of bright and pretty colors.

X-Men

Austin was watching one of the X-Men cartoons and a character flashed on.
Me: Was that Gambit?
Austin: Yes.
Me: Proof that I've watched too many of the movies.
Austin: Everyone recognizes Gambit. He always looks the same. Him and Nightcrawler.
Me, incredulous: Uh, Wolverine.
Austin: Nah, they're always changing how he looks. But Gamit, he's the same. And Nightcrawler, he's always blue.
Me: Nightcrawler's black.
Austin: He's blue.
Me: Beast is blue. And that girl, Manic or Mimic or whatever her name is, she's blue. Nightcrawler's black.
Austin: He's blue.
Me: In the movie, he's black.
Austin: No, he has all those tattoos, but he's blue.
Me: Women are less likely to be color blind than men.
Austin: That has nothing to do with this.

Headache

Austin: I have got such a headache.
I spooned a scoop of PB into my mouth.
Austin: And it's eating all the peanut butter.

I Love You

Austin: I love you.
Me: I love you too. But it's early. That could change.
Austin: Yeah, I can feel it changing already.

Good Morning!!!

Austin: Good morning.
Me: Don't start with me.
Austin, sweeping me up in his arms: What a wonderful, beautiful, blessed morning.
Me: You're lucky they look at the wife first.
Austin: My wonderful, blessed wife.

Mom on Vacation

Austin: Tell your mom to have a good time.
Me: She will whether I tell her or not.
Austin: Well, you tell her she better or she'll have to answer to me.

Standards

Me, Mom and Austin were eating out together. Austin was pushing his fries on me. But several had gotten into tartar sauce and lemon juice.
Me: I'm not eating those. I have high standards.
Mom laughed and laughed.
Austin: That's a comment on your standards regarding husbands.

Mrs. Woodcox

Me: I had a customer named **** Woodcox.
Austin: Oh my, that is a fantastic name.
Me: It doesn't cost that much to legally change your name.
Austin (eyes pop): If I change my name, will you be Mrs. Woodcox?
Me: I didn't take XXX. I'm not taking Woodcox.
Austin: If I change my name, I'm going all the way. I'll be Austin Thrusting Woodcox. You can call me Rust. Short for Thrust.
Me: No.
Austin: Or I could just change my middle name. I could be Austin Thrusting XXX. You don't like Rus, Rust, Thrust? That would be a great middle name.
Me: I have no witty comeback for that.

Once Upon A Time Spoiler

Me: It was touch and go, but Killian's alive.

Austin: He's alive?

I was about to explain, but then Austin starts mock-crying and doing this mad scene of wailing and pounding his chest and desk.

So I picked up his water and threw it on him.

Something Burning

Me: It smells like something is burning.
Austin: It's my hair straightener. I'm going to use it to iron my shirt.

Crackers

This morning, I opened the cabinet and found an empty cracker box. Now, if I was a rational person, I'd just throw the box out.
Me: Are you going to put crackers back in this box?
Austin: Yes.
Austin took my hand and put it in the box. Then he cackles, takes me up in his arms and kisses me.
Austin: I love you.
Me: I'll love you in the future, but right this minute, not so much.

Spoiled Milk

While eating cereal, I began to suspect the milk had gone bad.
Me: I'm not sure if it's me or the milk.
Austin comes over to me and bites my shoulder.
Austin: It's you.

The Death of Captain Hook

I don't consider myself to be a Oncer, but I am in love with Captain Hook. And I'm taking his fictional death rather hard . . .

Austin: You want to bowl a game?
Me: If you want.
Austin: You don't have to if you don't want to.
Me: No, just been thinking.
Austin: About what?
Me: Once Upon a Time, if you must know.
Austin, chuckling: There's nothing wrong with that.
Me: It's so bad, but I love it so much. I'm exorcising the demon the only way I know how.
Austin, taking my water bottle and throwing a handful of water on me: Out demon! By the power of Christ, I command thee! That also works. 

As days passed and my mourning continued . . .

Austin came over and hugged me.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm being stupid. Twitter is blowing up over Hook's death. But the more sane articles think he's not really dead. Honestly, they've killed him three times this season. I'm going to start to disrespect the show if they resurrect him again.

Austin: Well, I hope you lose respect for the show. Because you've lost your ability to use proper grammar.

Oatmeal Cookies

So it was my turn to wash dishes and they were piling up. I wasn't looking forward to doing the chore.
Austin: I'd like to make oatmeal cookies.
Me: If you want.
Austin: Really? You don't mind?
Me: I don't care.
So Austin jumps like a little kid.
Austin: But I'm kind of tired right now. I'm going to go upstairs and take a nap.
Me: That's fine.
So I washed the dishes while he was sleeping. He didn't feel like making oatmeal cookies after that.

Have I Told You I Love You?

Me: Have I told you enough today that I love you and that you're gorgeous and wonderful?
Austin: If I said yes, would you stop?
Me: I'd probably do it more to annoy you.

Dentist

Austin: X walked up to me today and asked where you were, like it was a Federal case that you didn't go to work today. I told her you had a dental appointment.
Me: I wonder what she'll do tomorrow when I'm not there again.
Austin: I'm going to tell her that there was a horrible accident in the dentist chair, that the drill slipped, bounced off the tooth and hit your eye, that your eye was gorged and popped out and that you're bloody and disgusting and you'll be blinded for life.
Me: Tell her I quit and got another job. That will scare her more.

Chapped Lips

Me: My lips are still chapped. And it's been a couple of weeks since that allergy attack.
Austin: You've got chapped lips? With all this humidity? My lips are fine. You'd think I'd have a problem with all the ass I kiss.