Race Relations

Periodically, Austin makes fun of me for not liking black olives. After one of these remarks . . .

Me: I suppose I'm going to have to hear about the race relations going on in the backyard now.

Austin: I don't know what you mean.

Me: Our black dog chasing the brown squirrels. That looks like some bad shit going down, gang type shit.

Austin Distracted

Austin shuffles into the room, then stops suddenly.

 Austin, distracted: What was I thinking?
Me: You probably weren't.
Austin: Oh, ho ho ho!

Men of My Dreams

Last night, I dreamt that Ian Somerhalder asked me to run away with him. I told him I couldn't, that I was married. I'm so stupid sometimes . . . 

Now if had been Emun Elliott, I would have been out the door.

And for the hell of it, Colin O'Donohue too.

I definitely have a type . . . and my husband ain't it . . . Austin skiing in February.

Play Fighting

Austin & I were having a little play spar.
Austin, fighting me off: I have a shoe & I know how to use it.
Me, lifting fist.
Austin, setting the shoe aside: On my foot. Not as a war implement.

New Hires

Austin's a trainer where we work, so he does a lot of interacting with new people. He stopped me in the hall and introduced me to this new hire. He told this woman that I was his wife. I almost said, "Stop telling people that. I'll call security." But I don't involve strangers in our insanity.
When I told Austin that later, Austin: Oh, you should have totally done that. That would have been so funny.

It's a sick, sad life.

Meetings

I was telling Austin about a conversation I was having with my mom about the meeting we've got with the lawyer this week.
Me: I told her the meeting was at 7:30 and she freaked out and said,"7:30 a.m.!" I said, "p.m."
Austin: You're mother's getting old. 7:30 p.m. doesn't hardly exist for her anymore."

My Next Husband Will Be Normal

My mother got me that sign.

But:
1. There won't be a NEXT
2. Normal is boring

Changing Careers

Austin & I were discussing the possibility of me leaving the place we work. Not seriously, just discussing.
Me: You can support my &^$# for a change.
Austin: Until you get another job. Then I'd say you can go back to supporting my &^#%. But I can't support my own ^&%#, I can barely lift it off the floor.

Spaghetti

I made spaghetti for dinner.

Austin: Where's the strainer? What did you use to get the noodles out of the pan?
Me: I just drained the water off and scooped them out.
Austin, agog: What? In this kitchen, with all these tools? And it's your turn to wash dishes. I think I'm going to use a strainer and a collander. 

 

For the noodles comments, I picked up the water bottle we use on the animals as punishment. I squirted Austin with it.
Austin: I've never hit a girl . . .

Austin Blues

Austin looked a little blue.
Me: Are you all right? Can I do anything for you?
Before Austin could answer, me: Besides the dishes.
Austin: Nice addendum.

Shorts

So I had two e-mail confirmations for orders. And I freaked out because I thought the system accidentally doubled my order. No, my husband borrowed my credit card and didn't tell me. So this is what he bought. Not only did I marry him, I'm seen with him in public. 

Akademiks Hartland Jogger Pants 

Those are the pants, but those are definitely not my husbands legs. And they should be called shorts, because they come just past the knee.

Smart

So I made a comment about menstruation.
Austin: I'm not going to say anything smart.
Me: Do you ever?
Austin, who was making a sandwich, shakes his knife in my face: I'm still not going to say anything smart.

Bras

I came out of my room this morning in a white bra with two shirts.
Me: Which should I wear? The purple or brown?
Austin: The white one.

Purple Shoes

These are the shoes I wore yesterday:

Me: My feet are killing me.
Austin: Don't say that with a straight face like you're surprised your feet hurt after wearing those shoes with a three inch heel.
Me: But those shoes are super-cute!
Austin: I'm not a girl. I'm immune to super-cute shoes.

Probate Hell

Austin & I went through probate hell recently.
Austin: I'm sorry you're stressed and I know it's mostly my fault.
Me: It's all right. It'll eventually be over.
Austin: Well, you did marry me, so really, it'll never be over. I've got this 'til death do us part' thing.
Me: Divorce.
Austin: I love that. No matter how moody you are, your sense of humor never changes.

Me, talking to Mom on the phone: I checked. Family can bid on the house. Only person who can't bid legally is Austin.
Austin, from the other room: Don't tell me what I can do, woman. I need someplace to live once you kick me out.
Me: Sooner than you think if you keep it up.

Stopping Past the Store

*I hate Wal-Mart

So to help alleviate some of my stress, Austin was going to go to the store for me.
Austin: What do we need at Meijer?
I explain that we need flea spray for the carpet and flea drops for the cats. I wish I could amusingly tell you how long it took me to get Austin to understand what was needed.
Austin: OK, I got it. But just so you know, I'm going to stop at Wal-Mart to get it. Not Meijer.
Me: You didn't need to tell me that.
Austin: Sometimes when I bring you flowers, I get them from Wal-Mart. (I must have growled or something.) The look on your face is precious.
He thinks I'm joking about the divorce thing.
And for all of you panicky divas on here, I am joking about the divorce thing.

The Heat

Austin, via text: if it is 2 hot & u want 2 take a nap, or just watch tv (ipad), u can use my room & turn on the ac.

Me: Thank u, i thought about that. But keep n mind, i dont need ur permission

Notice, he doesn't give me permission to watch his 32" TV.

IM'ing at work . . .

Austin & I im'ing each other at work:

Austin E 2:46 PM
by the way, I love you very much
Rachel 2:46 PM
LUVU2, forgot to tell you, it donned on me after I left yesterday who *** was . . . you're so sweet to the people who annoy you ...
Austin E 2:47 PM
yeah... I forgot to tell you that was ***…

I'm sure you will hate me for this, but I think it would be dawned, instead of donned
Rachel 2:48 PM
Yeah, my head hurts. I don't care at this moment.
Austin E 2:48 PM
I know...I feel like a Nazi for pointing it out, but I just wanted to say I love you because I didn't at lunch. You are wonderful and you make me so happy
Rachel 2:49 PM
Then I'll have to fix that. Can't have you happy. ;)
Austin E 2:49 PM
fine....then I will be jubilent
when I'm done being Austin
Rachel 2:50 PM
Just to get even, it's jubilant.

Eggs

I'm taking the china marker away from my husband.

Pony

I'm not young anymore. And I was never cool. A younger, much cooler friend of mine recently told me pony is a euphemism for &^#%^.
Austin: That completely changes the connotation of My Little Pony. 

In case I haven't mentioned it, I love My Little Pony and Austin is a Brony. 

Yep, that's my shopping bag.

And I wish I was the 15 year old girl who got that cake for her birthday.
 

My Response

Austin: Did you see what I did to the cat cannister?
Me: Yes.
Austin: Don't you think it's cute?
I shrugged it off. Me: It's been like that for a couple days.
Austin: You didn't notice.
Me: I noticed.
Austin: No you didn't.
Me: Yes, I did.
Austin: You're just saying that.

So I turn the cat head around.

Me: I noticed.

Austin Gets Bored

That's our canister set . . . SMH.

Austin's Boss

Austin was at work helping his boss hang pictures of the facility head. Austin bumped into the wall, loud crash, dept head X got his picture off kilter.
Austin: Look X is crooked.
Co-Worker: Well, he was straight until you banged him.
Hilarity ensued. Austin tells me this story and I just blink.
Austin: You don't think that's funny?
Me: X is not straight. He was like that long before you bumped into his picture. He's married to a man. He hyphenated his name with his husband's.
Austin: You can drain every drop of humor out of something.

Austin Coughin

Austin coughing at work during lunch.
Co-worker at another table: That right, Rachel, just let him choke.
Me: Of course. It's perfect. I've got all these witnesses. I obviously didn't do it if he dies.
Co-worker: Don't worry, Austin, I'll save you.
Austin, recovering himself: It's OK. I've told my family to do a autopsy, including a complete tox screen, on my death.

Putt-Putt

Austin & I are going putt-putt golfing tomorrow. For six weeks, my shoulder has been sore.
Austin: I hope your shoulder will be OK while we're playing.
Me: I'll be moving my torso, not shoulder. It should be fine. Unless I'm losing.

Hanging in Austin's Room

Chilling in Austin's room.
Me: I'm sorry.

Austin: What for?
Me: I farted.
Austin: I know, I heard you.
Me, leaving the room: Yeah, but now it stinks.

Cthulhu Minions

Because I like to buy Austin's little gifts every now and then and he loves Cthulhu.

Duct Tape Bananas

So the stems fell off the bananas. This seemed the best way to preserve them until I was ready to eat them. I'd love to say I didn't do these things until Austin came along . . . but that would be a lie.

Clothespins

I made some snarky comment about Austin putting eyes on all the clothespins.
Austin: It's about time you noticed. I did that a couple of days ago.
Me: I noticed a couple of days ago. Here's the picture I took a couple of days ago when I noticed that you'd drawn a picture of a guy with a mustache and a sun god tattoo on his head. See, I put it on the sugar bag.
Austin: That's not a guy with a tattoo. That's Leela from Futurama.
Me: If I put it on Facebook, people are going to agree with me. That's definitely not Leela from Futurama.

Ice Cream

Austin & I walked up to the local grocery store to buy ice cream. I had a coupon for a dollar off two, so we each picked a half gallon. Austin couldn't decide which to pick, but finally settled on choco chip cookie dough.
Me: So are you happy with your choice?
Austin: No.
Me: You wish you'd picked another flavor?
Austin: No, I wish I hadn't picked any at all.
Me: Me too.
Austin: Can I blame you?
Me: I'm gonna blame you & I'm not gonna ask your permission.

First Year Birthday Gifts

Austin had me get a gift for an infant's one year birthday party. I knew exactly what type of gift I was going to get, a push toy to help develop walking, but when I got there, there were five different types to choose from, so I was explaining the five different ones and why I chose the one that I did.

Me: I mean, the gears one was the cheapest, but it was pink and everyone knows babies don't have the visual acuity to see pastel as well as bright colors. And I really wanted one that played music, but the gears one just didn't make sense.
Austin: But the turtle with a handle coming out of its back and a garden in its shell makes perfect sense.
I must have had a look to kill, because Austin came over to hug me.
Me: You are such a fool to trust that I won't hurt you.