The less you pay for your wedding . . .

If I had known this, I would have spent more on the wedding . . . I'm gonna be stuck with Austin FOREVER . . .

http://www.ozy.com/acumen/in-sickness-and-in-health-but-not-in-debt/38366?utm_source=A1&utm_medium=pp&utm_campaign=pp

 

Christmas Present

For Christmas, Austin got me the complete Batman animated series box set. I'm not allowed to tell you what I got for him.

Austin's Christmas gift has been on back order. Finally it arrived. :D I was so excited it showed up, I ran upstairs and wrapped it. After, I went downstairs to discard the packaging and discovered they included a Tootsie Pop for the delay. Sellers of adult toys are awesome!

I'm keeping the Tootsie Pop.

BTW, Austin's new toy takes 8 hrs to charge. I'm more disappointed in this fact than he is.

Need a Change

I've been at the same job too long and I'm bored and restless, been thinking about a change. 

Austin: Don't quit. It's not a bad job. You make good money, a lot more than me. And at least you like some of the people who work there.
Me: You've gone over to the Dark Side.

Oil Change

Austin needs to take his car in for an oil change, but his schedule is pretty full.
Me: I can take it in.
Austin: Nah, I'll do it. Besides, if you do it, it'll make me feel bad.
Me: I live to make you feel bad.

The Washing Machine

So I got everything on my to-do list done, except wash laundry. I turned on the washing machine. And nothing happened. So I check the breaker, check the plug, try a different plug with an extension cord just to be sure. It's the washing machine. We paid $35 for this washing machine a couple of years ago, so I'm debating about fixing it or just buying another.

Poor Austin had a $##%*&@% day. He was late to work, didn't realize his boss was off, so he called her at home to tell her, went to pickup lunch for his co-worker, discovered that he'd left his chap stick on the dashboard. Knowing it had probably melted, he did what any man would do and took off its lid. Getting melted chap stick all over his pants. So he tries to wipe it off with his hands while he's driving. Gets it all over his steering wheel. Then he can't hardly handle the wheel because it's slippery. The chap stick begins to solidify and he smells like peppermint all day.

All he wants is to wash his jeans and go to bed when he gets home. Well, he got to go straight to bed anyway . . .

So, on Saturday, Austin & I went out to by a washer. It was delivered the next day. On a Sunday! Hooray!
Me: This is the first major purchase we've made together.
Austin: My car.
Me: I just co-signed, you're paying it. This is 50-50. If we get divorced, we've now got property to divide.
Austin: I think this marriage will last longer than that washing machine.
Me: So, 10 to 15 years.
Austin: That's about right.

Though the delivery guys delivered it on a Sunday, they didn't hook it up. Which was fine, I can change hoses.
Me: I can't get the hose off the spigot. Would you go down and do it?
Austin: Why do you think I can do it?
Me: I'm a wimpy girl. You're a man.
Austin: Yeah, but I'm just a flimsy, little guy. If you can't do it, I won't be able to do it either.
Me: Seriously, you're going to make me call my mom?

Later:

Me: Mom was able to get the hose off the spigot.
Austin: That's awesome.
Me: So you're OK with the fact that my mother has stronger muscles than you?
Austin: I didn't even try. I took a different tack.
Me: Evasion?
Austin: Exactly.

The Way

Austin and I drove past this family walking along the railroad track. A few hundred yards away, there was an abandoned SUV.
Me: That reminds me of that song, "Flagpole Sitta."
Austin: I don't know what you're talking about.
Me: You know. It goes, da da, da and they started walking. La la.
Austin: Oh yeah, da de da, da da. Slacking, I don't remember the rest of the words.
Me: Yeah, that one. I don't remember the words either.
The song is actually The Way by Fastball. They're next to each other on my iPod favorites list. I doubt getting the song title right would have improved my odds of Austin recognizing it or knowing the lyrics.

The Broken Mug

A few days ago, I came home and found Austin's favorite mug. It was laid out on the counter in true funerary fashion. If my husband was as effeminate as people think he is, I would have just thrown it out. Since he is male and unreasonably attached to inanimate objects, I just sent him a text, "My condolences."

Later, when Austin came home, he was mourning the loss and saying, "I just don't know what to do."
Me: "Can I put it in the recycle bin now?"

The following day I started getting this IM at work:
Austin E 2:58 PM
my purple pen broke :(

Rachel 2:58 PM
Oh no!!!!
Austin E 2:58 PM
I know

Rachel 2:58 PM
I didn't know you had a purple pen . . .

Austin E 2:58 PM
yep...my purple pen & my green mug:'(
Rachel 2:59 PM
You know this is a Sheldon & Amy moment where I'm acting like I care, right?

Austin E 2:59 PM
You care? really?

Rachel 2:59 PM
I'm acting like it.
Austin E 3:00 PM
ty
Rachel 3:00 PM
I'm glad that's good enough for you.

Austin E 3:29 PM
I know you don't care, but I fixed my purple pen

Rachel 3:29 PM
I'm so proud of you.

Austin E 3:29 PM
thank you...it was touch & go there for a bit...but I was able to save it in the end

My Plans to Stalk Emun Elliott

So my friend thinks I should just go to London & see this show Emun Elliott is currently in for the &%$< of it. So never mind that the flight would be $1000 & I'd have to get a hotel, I figure I'd check out how much the tickets cost. $300 a seat. Um, who wants to donate money to my cause? 

Dear Emun Elliott:
I am not well and need to get this silliness out of my system. I will be in the U.K. again this fall. My husband has given me permission to have a dalliance with you. So if you could see fit to squeeze me into your schedule, that would be much appreciated.

I was on the phone with my mom, bemoaning that I'd be in the UK again and would likely not get to meet Emun Elliott, again. Mom was sympathizing.
Me: Just as well. I'm too likely to say something that will embarrass me and everyone around me.
Mom: I know (she groans). Then you'll post it everywhere.
Nice to be loved.
 

Just for that:
The dogs were barking wildly this morning. I told Austin that this bag lady crazy looking woman was walking up the street.
Austin: Oh, your mother's coming to visit?

 

Red Loster

While at Red Lobster for lunch, Mom: How's the salmon?
Austin: It's pretty good, but I ate the same thing last week. Of course, I've been wanting more fish in my life lately.
Me: I can get you more fish, I can surround you with fish. I can put your feet in cement, throw you into some water . . .

Coffee

Mom came into our house.
Mom: I could smell coffee before I even got inside.
Austin: I could smell trouble.

The Muppets

Austin's gotten onto watching the new Muppets. Not like the Muppets I love and remember . . . Miss Piggy and Kermit aren't together (!!!!) and Camilla has left Gonzo. In the last episode, the very last scene, Camilla returns, flaps her wings before Gonzo.
Austin: Ahhhh, she's come back to him. That's so sweet.
Me: I'll bet she's pregnant.
Austin, laughing: OMG, I'll bet you're right.
Later, Austin comments about the new Muppets not being that great overall.
Austin: But there are points where I laugh my butt off.
Me, putting my hand firmly on a cheek: And yet it's still here.
Austin: I think I get why you're so good at predicting the jokes on that show now.

Training for the New Job

So, I'm in training for a new department at work. Part of the training was to evaluate another store's chat service. I picked Nordstrom's and was reviewing purses.
Me: Overall I'd give the CSR a seven.
Trainer: Would you shop with them in the future?
Me: No way. The purse I picked out was $545.
Trainer: So Austin will have to work a lot of overtime.

The Bread

So, I work 2nd shift now. I come in a little after 10:00. There's a piece of bread and the heel, which I make into a sandwich.
Austin: I'll stop and pick up bread tomorrow on my way home, since it's so hard for you to get to the grocery's now.
Me: Kroger has bread, 88 cents.
Austin: OK. I'll go to Kroger.
Silence. I'm eating, ready to die of exhaustion.
Austin: I'm going to get white bread.
My eyes narrow. I always get wheat bread. And I have zero sense of humor after a long (*&%&^# day.
Austin: I'll get potato bread.
Me: Only the regular bread is on sale.
Austin: I'll splurge. I'll bring in all kinds of bread. We'll have a bread extravaganza.

Incidentally, Austin forgot to buy bread.

Valentine's Day Card

This is me and Austin all over.

Austin's Not Gay

So another person at work didn't know Austin & I were married. Always a shock to me.
Me: I said to her, I know, you thought he was gay. Of course, she swore she didn't.
Austin: Yeah right. Everyone at work thinks I'm gay. That's the vibe I give off when I'm there. So now everyone knows I'm married. In 90 days, it will reset itself and people will forget and I'll be gay again. I should just paint my nails flaming red and be done with it.

(Several people at work suggested purple lipstick to match.)

Happy Valentine's Day

Only here: Yes, my favorite meat market really intentionally tried to make this pair of rib eye look like a heart . . .

Angela Lansbury

So I'm in love with Emun Elliott (or at least with looking at him). Austin is in love with Meryl Streep and Angela Lansbury. I don't seem so crazy anymore . . .

So Angela Lansbury celebrated her 90th birthday October 16, 2015. She shares a birthday with my mother-in-law, ironically. So Austin & I were talking about his undying love for Angela Lansbury.
Me: That woman would pick you up and throw you across the room.
Austin: Nah.
Me: She has amazing upper body strength.
Austin: I just thought that was her voluptuous bosoms.
Me: Nah, you can tell it's her upper body, the width of her shoulders versus her hips--
Austin: Well, I just always imagined unzipping that jogging top--
Me: Stop.
Austin: That milky skin. Letting her bosoms free.
Me: Stop, stop, stop.
Austin: Well, I have to listen to you and your Emun Elliott crap.
Me: Emun Elliott is a gorgeous man. Angela Lansbury is 90.

After the Angela Lansbury conversation, you could understand how I would be threatening to kick Austin out.
Me: Well, your parents' basement is free. You could go live with them.
Austin: You're right. That would be great. And we'd never see each other because I have a job.
Me: You wouldn't have to contribute.
Austin: Oh, I'd contribute. I'd give my parents $100 a week for letting me stay there.
Me: You don't give me $100 a week.
Austin: I love them more than you.
So I get mad and leave the room and Austin comes and hugs me, tells me he's joking. He found this whole encounter ridiculously hilarious.
Me: You know all of this is going on Facebook.

Austin: You aren't posting about Angela Lansdury. 

Me: Especially about the Angela Lansbury bit.

The Day After Skiing

Austin: I have this really big bruise on my butt. It looks really funny.
Me: Matches your face.
Austin: Oh ho, ho ho.

Austin Went Skiing

Austin sporting like he's a model before his skiing trip. I was not allowed to take any pics after the skiing trip, as he was a blob in his bed whining about how he hurt his hand.

Have I Told You Today?

Me: Have I told you today how much I love you?
Austin: No.
Me: I love you to the moon, then Saturn, Pluto and planets after that we haven't named or even discovered yet.
Austin: Pluto isn't a planet. Science destroyed it.

Chopped

So, Austin & I were watching Chopped reruns last night.
Austin: I'd never win on that show. You have to have a good sob story to win.
Me: All I'd have to do is show a picture of you.
Austin: Yeah, let me get a bike helmet, then I'll start drooling, making indecipherable sounds.
Me: See what I put up with?

Memory Foam Pillows

Austin bought a memory foam pillow and was telling me about how great it is.
Me: Will it remember your face when I hit you with it?
Austin: No. It only retains impressions for three or four seconds. It says so on the box.

The Squatty Potty

I was getting ready for bed. Austin had been watching Dr. Oz earlier that day. Nothing good ever comes of this. He was telling me about the squatty potty that they were advertising yesterday. Basically, you sit on the toilet, put your feet in stirrups and look like a woman about to give birth while taking a number two.
Me: Because we've been doing it wrong all these years.
Austin: This is more ergonomically correct and make the feces come out more smoothly.
Me: You're not supposed to push.
Austin: You're not pushing, you just . . . you know.
Me: Us poor stupid Americans, taking a &%# like bumpkins.
Austin: Americans aren't the only ones using the potty.
Me: Look, I don't know what other countries' potties are like.
So then we discuss toilets across the world and back when humans would squat to relieve themselves and how this is more natural.
Then he tells me how the sitting position is all wrong. I mention how we've been doing it this way for thousands of years. I mention Rome and their potties back in the day.
Austin: We should be standing or lying down. Sitting isn't natural.

I wish you could have seen my face through this dialog. I wish I could predict when Austin's going to launch into these absurdities so I could videotape them.

Austin: Chairs and beds, they're not natural. Look at all the trouble these have caused. We shouldn't be sleeping on our sides or stomachs, all different positions.
So then we dispute how natural it is to sleep in different positions and I mention my grandfather who slept on the floor for at least 50 years of his life and slept on his side. On and on this went. Him telling me how poor chair construction had led to several different designs, me basically sighting history and archaeology.
Me: How horrible that we've been sitting and lying down. It's amazing the human race has been around for millennia, what with us sitting and lying down all wrong. People dying at the age of 40 because they were sitting. And here I thought antiseptic was why modern people now live to be 90 or more. No, it's ergonomically correct seating.
Austin: I'm not saying--Why haven't you gone to bed yet?
Me: I'm always entranced when &*^# spews from your mouth.

More Trips

Me, Mom and Austin were talking about taking another vacation together, this time a cruise. Me, I'm not such a lover of water, but I agreed to go along with popular vote.
Austin was looking at the brochure, telling me about the veranda view, the fine dining, the stops in France, Germany, Switzerland, Sweden, Luxembourg.
I look at the prices, he's looking at $5000-$7000 trips.
Me: Austin, you realize we're paying for this one ourselves?
He flips the pages.
Austin: This one is $3000, it includes panoramic tours of French and German castles.

What Emun Elliott means in French

According to Austin . . .

OK, adventures of Austin & Rachel time.
Me, practicing my French: Je veux donner mon coeur a Emun Elliott, mais j'aime toi.
Austin: Wow, I understood most of that. Except that Emun Elliott bit. Does Emun Elliott mean my beautiful, gorgeous blond hair or does it mean my butt chin?
The rest of the evening, Austin was saying "Emun Elliott" with a French accent and displaying his chin. Then, my disenchantment alerted Austin that the joke was getting old.

Before heading up to bed, Austin hugged me.
Me: Don't touch me with your Emun Elliott.
Austin: I thought it wasn't funny anymore.
Me: It's still funny when I do it.

The next day.
Me: I love you so much, your golden blond hair, you stunning Emun Elliott.
Austin smirks.
Me: It's true. The only Emun Elliott I love more is my Emun Elliott.
He fondles my chin: You don't have an Emun Elliott.
Me: No, not as long as stalking laws are in place.

My fortune cookie: Your love life will soon be happy and harmonious.
Me: This is proof that Emun Elliott and I will live happily ever after.
Austin, referring to our old joke, stroking his butt chin & donning a French accent: You only love me for my Emun Elliott.

The Pants

Over a pair of gray dress pants that Austin is convinced are too tight and make his hips look huge.
Austin: These pants look OK?
Me: Yes, you look gorgeous.
Austin: I don't look doofy?
Me: No. I'd love to say that I never let you leave this house looking doofy, but I don't have that kind of power.
Austin: Then you think these pants make me look doofy.
Me: I just said those pants are fine.
Austin: Then what doofy clothes are you talking about?
Me: The shorts, for one.
Austin: The black and white ones? I love those. If I'd have had them back then, I would have worn them to our wedding.
Me: The wedding you were an hour and a half late to.
Austin: Exactly. Fashionably late and the center of attention when I walk in wearing my awesome shorts. 

The shorts, not my husband modeling:

The Coffee Grinder

So, Austin finally slunk out of bed after getting home from his New Year's party. His coffee grinder cord has gotten bent and split out of shape. A moment later I hear a pop and a poof.
Me: It was the coffee grinder, wasn't it?
Austin: It's dead.
Me: I guess we're gonna have to go out after all.
Austin: Why?
Me: You need a new grinder. You can't go without coffee.
Austin: I know where there's another. Can I use it?
I immediately know what he's referring to, my coffee grinder that I use to grind spices. I'm allergic to coffee, so that means I'm not going to be able to use it again. I whimper.
Me: I guess I know what you're getting me for my birthday.

Austin: The grinder blew a fuse. Can you go downstairs and mess with the breakers.
Me: It's really easy to fix. I'll show you how to do it yourself. You just flip a switch.
Austin: But I don't want to go downstairs.

OK, so we were going to walk to the store to buy a new coffee grinder, me, Mom & Austin. Instead, Austin & I walked up to Mom's.

Austin, re mom driving: Are you sure it's safe to let your mom drive.
Me: It's just up the street.

Austin: But she might try to drag us somewhere else.
Me: It's just up the street. I suggested walking, but Mom had a mild fit of hysterics.
Austin: I can do more than mild.
While walking to Mom's, Austin: Let's have your mom drive us home.

Turned out the store was closed.
Mom: So, we're all dressed up. You want to go somewhere else?
Later, Austin: It's sad that I know your mom better than you do.

Dinner

Austin: Thank you for making dinner.
Me: I'm sorry that it's vegetable soup again. I've just gotten into a soup loop.
Austin: No, your vegetable soup is great . . . I'm just glad you made me dinner.
Me: I didn't make you dinner. I made me dinner and there's some left that you can have.

Emun Elliott

My muse . . . and Austin's favorite thing to make fun of me for . . .

So, long ago, Austin gave me permission to have a dalliance with Emun Elliott, should I ever meet him. He says he's not the jealous type and this will not bother him at all.
I don't think Emun Elliott will have me, so I've suggested other companions who might consider a dalliance. Austin has flatly refused. So either I'm allowed to have a dalliance or not.
Austin: You're not serious.
Me: We'll see how serious I am when I say, 'I fart in your general direction.' Watch my fanny as I walk out this door.

Austin, Mom & I were eating out today. Austin asks me if I know anything about the band playing on the intercom and I said no.
Me: I don't know things about musicians and actors anymore. I don't look them up and stuff. Except Emun Elliott. I know his birthday is November 28. And Ian Somerhalder just had his birthday on December 8.
Austin: This conversation has nothing to do with Emun Elliott or Ian Somerhalder. Don't turn this conversation into them. 

So Austin has this atrocious lesion on the bridge of his nose, bloody and gross, so he put a bandage on it. And I was staring at it.
Austin: I know, it's awful, unsightly, this thing in the middle of my face.
Both: Your nose.
Austin: I knew you were going to say that.
Me: Do you think we're getting stale and predictable?
Austin: Nah. Next year for Emun Elliott's Birthday Day, we should have a huge party with Emun Elliott plates and Emun Elliott tablecloth, a big naked picture of Emun Elliott so we can play Pin the Penis on Emun Elliott.
Me: I don't have any naked pictures of Emun Elliott.
Austin: I'll stalk him for you.

Since I've been a bit obsessive about Emun Elliott lately, Austin was trying to make me feel better. Austin: You'll meet him eventually. You have your whole life. Eventually he'll be old and crippled. Then you'll be able to catch him.