I was getting ready for bed. Austin had been watching Dr. Oz earlier
that day. Nothing good ever comes of this. He was telling me about
the squatty potty that they were advertising yesterday. Basically,
you sit on the toilet, put your feet in stirrups and look like a
woman about to give birth while taking a number two.
Me: Because we've been doing it wrong all these years.
Austin: This is more ergonomically correct and make the feces come out more smoothly.
Me: You're not supposed to push.
Austin: You're not pushing, you just . . . you know.
Me: Us poor stupid Americans, taking a &%# like bumpkins.
Austin: Americans aren't the only ones using the potty.
Me: Look, I don't know what other countries' potties are like.
So then we discuss toilets across the world and back when humans would squat to relieve themselves and how this is more natural.
Then he tells me how the sitting position is all wrong. I mention how we've been doing it this way for thousands of years. I mention Rome and their potties back in the day.
Austin: We should be standing or lying down. Sitting isn't natural.
Me: Because we've been doing it wrong all these years.
Austin: This is more ergonomically correct and make the feces come out more smoothly.
Me: You're not supposed to push.
Austin: You're not pushing, you just . . . you know.
Me: Us poor stupid Americans, taking a &%# like bumpkins.
Austin: Americans aren't the only ones using the potty.
Me: Look, I don't know what other countries' potties are like.
So then we discuss toilets across the world and back when humans would squat to relieve themselves and how this is more natural.
Then he tells me how the sitting position is all wrong. I mention how we've been doing it this way for thousands of years. I mention Rome and their potties back in the day.
Austin: We should be standing or lying down. Sitting isn't natural.
I wish
you could have seen my face through this dialog. I wish I could
predict when Austin's going to launch into these absurdities so I
could videotape them.
Austin: Chairs and beds, they're not
natural. Look at all the trouble these have caused. We shouldn't be
sleeping on our sides or stomachs, all different positions.
So then we dispute how natural it is to sleep in different positions and I mention my grandfather who slept on the floor for at least 50 years of his life and slept on his side. On and on this went. Him telling me how poor chair construction had led to several different designs, me basically sighting history and archaeology.
Me: How horrible that we've been sitting and lying down. It's amazing the human race has been around for millennia, what with us sitting and lying down all wrong. People dying at the age of 40 because they were sitting. And here I thought antiseptic was why modern people now live to be 90 or more. No, it's ergonomically correct seating.
Austin: I'm not saying--Why haven't you gone to bed yet?
Me: I'm always entranced when &*^# spews from your mouth.
So then we dispute how natural it is to sleep in different positions and I mention my grandfather who slept on the floor for at least 50 years of his life and slept on his side. On and on this went. Him telling me how poor chair construction had led to several different designs, me basically sighting history and archaeology.
Me: How horrible that we've been sitting and lying down. It's amazing the human race has been around for millennia, what with us sitting and lying down all wrong. People dying at the age of 40 because they were sitting. And here I thought antiseptic was why modern people now live to be 90 or more. No, it's ergonomically correct seating.
Austin: I'm not saying--Why haven't you gone to bed yet?
Me: I'm always entranced when &*^# spews from your mouth.
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