$$$$

Austin: You're beautiful, you're so gorgeous.

Me: If that were true, I wouldn't have to work. People would just fling money all day just because I was walking down the street.

Austin: If I had my wallet on me, I'd pelt you with all the money I've got.

Me: I want thousands and thousands!

Austin: I have 90 cents.

Me: I'll take it.

Spoiled

So I was getting ready for bed and had brushed my teeth. I went in to kiss Austin goodnight.

Me: Hmmm, I was worried about having something sweet after brushing my teeth, but you taste vinegary.

Austin: Yep, I'm bitter.

Me: Nah, more like acidic.

Austin: I'm spoiled too!

Emun Backwards

Austin: Making spaghetti sauce?

Me: Yes.

Austin: I could tell. The whole house smells wonderful.

Me: It tastes wonderful too. I forgot how good homemade spaghetti tastes.

Austin: I don't know how you could. You make the best spaghetti sauce.

Me: It's nummy, nummy, nummy! Or Emun backwards.

Austin groans.

Me: Come on. You had to see that one coming.

Austin: No, I was completely blindsided.

I Love You Again

Me: Let's see, I've told you I love you and I've told you you're gorgeous. Is there anything else you'd like me to tell you today.
Austin: The truth.

Urologist

Austin & I have been discussing the snip for a while. I'm starting to doubt it will happen.

Nevertheless, Austin was giving me guff.
Me: Keep it up. We won't have to take you to the urologist to get your snip.
Austin: Whatever. You're going to cut off my dick.
Me: Balls.
Austin: Dick, balls, all the same thing.
Me: You're a man. You should know the difference.
Austin: All I know is that when I go to the urologist, something is getting snipped. I might come back with a haircut.

CPK

Austin: We might have D&D on Sunday.
Me: Do you still want to go out with me & Mom to California Pizza Kitchen?
Austin: Yeah.
Me: That's a lot of driving back and forth to Columbus in a single day.
Austin: I figured we'd go out with your mom on Saturday.
Me: But I like to get my work done in Saturday. Then relax on Sunday.
Austin: I consider going out with your mom work.

Pear Pie

 So I was making a pear pie for my coworkers because they keep asking me if a pear pie is like an apple pie. It is not. I cleaned out the oven, because it's an awesome storage space and Austin and I keep all kinds of things in there, like bread, leftovers and other food stuffs we don't want the dog stealing. So I look over the oven, nothing left. Preheat. Faint odor. I open the oven. Nothing. Smokey smell is stronger. Still nothing. When the smell continues, I open the oven again. This time I noticed the clothes pin on fire.

I will have to ask Austin what he had hanging from the clothes pin and why he thought it a good idea to hang it from the broiler coil.

Later:
Austin denies putting the clothespin on the broiler coil in the oven. He says it was probably on something else and got caught on the coil. As the burn is at the bottom of the pin, I believe him. Austin has now initiated this clothespin into the world of silly faces.

Flying the Bird

Me: I can't believe you flipped me off in front of my mom.
Austin: Dismissive noise.
Me: Next time we're at your mom's house, I'm so talking about our sex life.

Staircase Immortality

I was listening to the radio and John Tesh was talking about going up and down steps instead of elevators, which I do.

Tesh: And if you go up and down steps 8 times a day, you're 1/3 less likely to die.

So I'm telling Austin this.

Me: I'm pretty sure I missed something important, 'cause I can't picture taking the stairs making me immortal.

Austin: I'm removing the steps in our house.

Me: Then you won't be able to push me down then.

Austin: Lesser of two evils.

Selling Austin's Body

Because of my Kroger points, I was able to get a full tank of gas for $2.95. I continued to tell Austin about my night. Then we got onto selling Austin, because I frequently threaten to, so we discussed the value of his body.

Me: Oh please, your body is only worth like $2.95, so if I sold you, I could get another tank of gas if I had enough fuel points.
Austin: This body is worth a lot more than that. You could harvest my organs and sell them on the black market.
Me: No I couldn't.
Austin: Yes, you could, you just don't want to.
Me: Mostly I don't want to get blood on my clothes.
Austin: I know.

Austin Missing

Austin went over to his friends' place on Saturday, so it was no shock that he wasn't home Sunday morning. Especially after the dogs barking woke me up at 4:00 a.m.
The text I sent Sunday at 7.48 a.m.:
To the officer who gets this, please let me know what has happened to my husband. His wife is worried sick and he has a little girl who will be 12 on Tuesday [his dog] who was up all night. I know something horrible has taken him from me, because he would have texted me if he was staying at his friends' all night.
The reply: Mmmm hmmm.
Then a cop car drove past my house.

Taquitos in the House

Austin: Thank you for buying taquitos, though they're not going to last long in this house.
Then he grabs his thigh, Austin: Actually, they'll last a long time right here.

Austin, Mr. Intimidating

Austin told me he could be intimidating.

And I laughed and laughed. And a pic, just in case you forgot what my husband looks like.

IM'ing at Work

Rachel 5:51 PM

Oh help! I don't think I'm going to be able to take X much longer.

Austin 5:52 PM

I'm sorry  I would offer you my scissors, but I don't think the teat of violence would really be the best solution

threat*

although teat of violence is pretty funny

Rachel 5:53 PM

I like the teat of violence is better.

Pears

Austin: *random smart &%$ comment.
Me: Keep it up. I've got a whole pile of rock hard pears I can throw at your head.
Austin: *another snarky comment.
Me: Ah, here's a pear with a little red on it. That will completely hide the blood when it hits you.

Whit's Frozen Custard

Whit's Frozen Custard is hiring a night manager. I mentioned this to Austin, though I'm not seriously considering applying.
Austin: I don't think that's a good idea.
Me: Free food. All the frozen custard we could ever eat.
Austin: Yeah. I don't think I'll ever get sick of frozen custard. (Austin puts a hand to his stomach) I'll never lose Tasia then.
Me, throwing myself into his arms: I love Tasia. We made her together.
Austin: And I'm losing her alone.

Death

So a lot of people (and a dog) have died in my life recently. So Austin & I were having a rather morose conversation.
Me: I have to at least outlive Mom.
Austin: I don't know. The way that woman's going, she's gonna outlive you.
Me: True. She's going to be the death of me. You'll have to take care of her then.
Austin: No way.
Me: You know Leah's not going to go to Goodwill with her. Someone's got to do it.

Austin: There's no blood between us. Except for hers. On the floor. Because I put it there.

The Choice

Somehow, I missed posting this at Valentine's Day.

Austin & I were watching a commercial for The Choice, ‪#chooselove.
Me, faking sobs: Oh Valentine's movies are coming out. So obvious, she chooses to come back from the brink of death to be with her lover. Pulls on the heartstrings.
Austin: She's in a coma. What other choice is there?
Me: Well, there's a marginal chance that she chooses death and helps him move on from their romance. But Valentine's Day.
Austin: Well, if I get in an accident and I'm in a coma, on all these machines, choose--
Me: There's no choice. I'm pulling the plug.

Turbo Kid

Austin: I need to have one of my friends watch Turbo Kid, so I have someone to talk about it with. I'd love to make you watch it and talk about it with you, but I know you'd hate it.

Me: Can't it be enough that I liked Star Wars: Force Awakens?

Austin: You liked it?

Me: I liked that Emun Elliott was in it.

Austin: So if I tape a picture of Emun Elliott to the corner of the monitor, I could get you to watch anything and you'd like it?

Me: Well, eventually, I'd get desensitized to the image.

Austin: Oh, I'd change the picture every few months, just to keep it interesting.

Me: Maybe, but I really did like the Force Awakens.

Austin: Yeah, sure. I was in the theater with you, jerking on my arm every time Emun Elliott was on the screen. I know what part you liked.

Bad Day

I had a bad day yesterday. As soon as Austin walked in the door, I started to gripe about it.
Austin: Remember when I showed you my new schedule and how much compassion you showed me?
Me, my lip quivering. I called him a baby.
Austin: Exactly.

Sexy Food

So, Austin and I watched Chopped reruns again last night.
One of the judges (Aaron Sanchez) stated he wanted the competitors to make the slaw mix sexier.
Austin: I don't get people talking about sexy greens, sexy food. Food is not sexy.
Me: Plenty of foods are sexy. Chocolate's sexy, desserts, hot dogs.
Austin: Hot dogs are not sexy. They're not even food.
So then we get into a dispute about sexy foods.
Austin: You don't make sexy foods.
Me: This is what you inspire me to.

Austin, indicating himself in Brony tee, teeth out and flimsy thermal sleep pants: This is what you inspire me to. 

Austin was reading the post over my shoulder, as if he was not present for the original conversation. He laughed, questioned me about it. So then I went on with my life. Then he came back, asked to read it again. 

Austin: No, that makes perfect sense. Thanks. 

I'm married to a lunatic. 

 

Hot Dogs & Taquitos

Austin sneezed. Then he sneezed again.
Me: Hey, careful. Don't sneeze on my hot dogs. Or when you leave, I'll go into the freezer and lick all of your taquitos.
The threat sinks in.
Austin: I shouldn't be worried about that. Any proper cooking will destroy bacteria. What I should be worried about is that you'll like how they taste and eat them all.
Me, the girl eating a hot dog: Not likely.

Flatware

So Austin & I were disputing the technical terms for various flatware. So I looked it up and told him. The big one is called a dinner spoon and the smaller one is called a teaspoon.
Me: It's a flaw in my personality, having to look everything up like that. But I know you don't care 'cause you married me anyway.
Austin: I was young and stupid.

My Mother on Grandchildren

Most people agree: two ugly people get together and have the most gorgeous children. Mom & I agree that two attractive people get together & their children are not so cute. Mom literally says to me yesterday: You and Austin are both good looking. You shouldn't risk having children. They'd probably be ugly.
At least she agrees that we shouldn't have children.

Wasps

I have had 5 wasps in my room in the last 3 days. I have felt great guilt for murdering these wasps and was talking to my wonderful, loving husband about it.
Me: At first I was throwing the bodies out, but these last two I've left in place. Maybe the hormones from the dead bodies will warn the others away.
Austin , a sweet, kind, loving man: If you want, I can get some toothpicks. You can put their heads on them like little spikes.

Promotion

Austin got a promotion at work (sort of)! He's now a lead trainer!!! (Instead of an assistant trainer.) Whoo-hoo!!! Mom wished us luck celebrating last night.
Me: I doubt there'll be much celebrating. Austin will probably be tired when he comes in.
Mom: It's a good thing you started out with a young one. You've already worn that boy out. An old one couldn't take you.

The Big Snip

Mom offered to loan me & Austin money for his snip. I assured Mom this wasn't necessary.
Me: It's just a matter of time off and making an appointment with a doctor.
Mom: Well, I could hold his hands and you can hold his legs, then I'll just take some scissors to him. Or we could ask Scott to go over him with the lawn mower.
Austin didn't think that was funny.

Apocalypse

Got lunch meat at the local Amish deli, rang up $6.66. I'm pretty sure this is a sign of of the Apocalypse.

The Blame Game

Me and Austin talking about where we were going to eat lunch today.

Me: I've narrowed it down to three places. [I list the three places] So which one do you think I should pick?
Austin: It's your turn to pick. It's up to you.
Me: I have picked. I just can't decide which one of the three. So?
Austin: If I pick one and you don't like it, what will happen?
Me, sheepishly: I'll blame you.
Austin: Exactly.

Kids

Another foray into me and Austin & the blame game. Please keep in mind, we neither of us want kids and I'm not pregnant, nor do I intend on getting pregnant:

Austin made a remark that, if someone else heard it, they'd think we want kids.
Me: If you wanted kids, now is not the time to mention it. You know when I'm more suggestible about kids and that's when you should try to talk me into it.
Austin, roaring laughter: Oh yeah, that would be a great idea. You must be out of your mind. I'd be in so much trouble if I just decided to go for it.

I rant back at him a bit. Me: I'm just telling you how to do it if you want kids.

Austin: So you're saying if you got pregnant, you wouldn't blame me.
Me: Of course I'd blame you. I blame you for everything. Kids wouldn't be any different.

Austin's Car is Paid Off!

Austin received the title confirmation that his car has been paid off!!!
Me: Woo-hoo! It's official. Probate is over, we're done with everything. Woo-woo!
Austin: No it's not. My dad is still on the shelf in the living room.