We Have Shared

Me: I wish there was some way, something I could do to show you how much I love you. We have shared so much.
Austin: Money.
Me: Humiliation.
Austin: No, I meant you could give me money.

Austin Saved the World!

Austin: I beat my game today and saved the world.

Me: Wow, and all I did was go to work. I didn't even feel the ground shake.

You're Awesome

Austin made dinner once again.

Austin: How did the mashed potatoes turn out?

Me: Very good. I'd say mashed potatoes are hard to screw up, except my sister has done it so many times.

Austin: That's true. There was that one time I made mashed potatoes and they were too runny, so I turned them into soup, but you said they were excellent.

Me: You're awesome.

Austin: I was going to say—no, never mind. I'll take awesome.

Me: You were going to say that your schlong is huge and amazing.

Austin: Yeah, that'd work too.

Dishes

Austin: I've gotta do laundry and wash dishes.
Me: Yeah, you've got all of like five dishes to wash.
Austin, sweeping me up in his arms: I know it's a travesty, but I'll survive.
Me: Not if I have anything to do with it.

Quiz

Without prompting, ask your significant other these questions, and put down exactly what they say.

What is something I always say?
Austin: Mhmmm—can I say that? It's a noise, not a word.

What makes me happy?
Austin: Seems like a personal question. I'll say music downloads.

What makes me sad?
Austin: Christmas

How old am I ?
Austin: Is that a rhetorical question?

How tall am I ?
Austin: Why are you asking me these questions? You know how tall you are. I don't need to know how tall you are.

What's my favorite thing to do?
Austin: That's also completely up to you. These are things I'd like to know also.

What do I do when you're not around?
Austin: I guess I wouldn't know that, would I?

If I became famous, what will it be for?
Austin: Probably for murder.

What makes you proud of me?
Austin: Everything.

What is my favorite food?
Austin: *groans, shakes head

What is my favorite restaurant?
Austin: I don't know what your favorite restaurant is. We go to so many. Anything new.

Where is my favorite place to be?
Austin: In bed.

If I could go anywhere, where would it be?
Austin: To bed.

Do you think you could live without me?
Austin, gave me a look: In a fashion, though some wouldn't call it living.

Me: Some wouldn't call what you're doing now living. [He's playing a video game]

Back to the questions: How do I annoy you?
Austin: That would take far too long to list. Any way you can.

What is your favorite thing about me?
Austin: That you love me.

I kissed Austin after this.

Austin: Did I pass?

Me: You amused me greatly.

Austin: Don't I usually do that?

Me: Yes.

Cramps

One of my co-workers was complaining about cramps. When I got home, I was telling Austin about it.

Me: Exercise always helps. Running and stuff.

Austin: Yeah, I find running the opposite way helps me.

Me: You're lucky I love you.

He made dinner, so I'll keep him.

Bongs

This morning, Mom came to visit because she doesn't know how to put photos on her computer, much less upload them to FB. Austin was awake! He got up at 8:00 a.m.! He was dressed, presentable and everything when my mom visited.

I invite my mother to view Austin's room. He's lived here almost seven years, but she's never been in his room. Austin hastily turns his bong around. I smirked. Mom raved over the TV, didn't even notice the bong. I sat next to my father-in-law's bong for years without noticing it. It's what non-drug users do. We don't know what they are and we don't think our loved ones have them.

Austin: What are you doing, letting your mom in my room? I've got the grinder out, the drugs are visible--

Me: My mom's not going to notice.

Austin: Yeah, she'll just think it's a pretty vase.

Then he points out the mouth piece.

Austin: And what about this? What am I supposed to say when she asks what this is?

Me & Austin: It's where the water goes.

Snickering.

Austin, with his baggy of weed: And this is fertilizer.

Me: That's expensive fertilizer.

Austin's Bed

Austin & I were both bored, so I headed to the kitchen. Before too long, Austin went to the kitchen too. Cassie was cuddled up on the couch. After a bit, I went upstairs and noticed Austin had left his door wide open.
Me: Hey Cassie, Daddy's door is open and his bed is unguarded. Hurry up, come jump on the bed and roll in the sheets.
Austin: You're evil.
I laugh.
Austin: The laughter just proves it.

Elephants

My husband & I went to an adult toy store. Austin wanted to try some toys, see if it would spice things up. This store also sells bongs, though marijuana is not legal in Ohio in for recreational purposes. It's now legal for medical purposes.

I was admiring some of the interesting bongs, the shapes, the colors, the animals.

Me: They have an elephant-shaped one.

Austin: We could buy that for your mom [Mom loves elephants and has a vast collection].

Me: We're not buying my mother a bong.

P's & Q's

I was comparing a couple of managers at work.
Me: I didn't like X as a manager, but I appreciate his attention to his P's and Q's.
Austin: What?
Me: P's and Q's. It's an idiom.
Austin: What does it mean?
Me: I don't know. Like dotting your I's and crossing your T's.
Austin: I know that one. I've never heard of P's and Q's.
Me, going to one of my reference books: Well, it's an idiom. I'll see what I can find.
Austin: Don't bother. I just don't believe it's a real saying.
Me: Oh, I'm definitely going to find it now.
It means, “minds your manners, be on your best behavior.” I located the info in Wikipedia.

Divorce with Children

I was telling Austin about the super-nice waiter Mom & I had at Spaghetti Warehouse. He really was engaging and told us about his daughter and his divorce. He's been with Spaghetti Warehouse for twenty years.
Austin: That'd be awful, divorced with children.
Me: Just one, a daughter. She's fifteen.
Austin: Still, that'd be awful. I'd never want to go through a divorce with children.
Me: Well, I can promise there will never be children.
Austin, touching my arm: Can you really?
Me: As long as abortion is legal, yes.

Triscuits

I had a bad morning and really had complained liberally about it. To make myself feel better, I broke out some Triscuits and offered to share them with my co-workers.
Co-worker: You don't have any cheese. You have to have cheese with Triscuits.
Austin: You can have whine with them.
Co-worker: Oh, wine?
Me: Please no. He means whine, w-h-i-n-e. He'll start fake-bawling. I don't want to hear it.

It's sad that I know the man this well.

Crying over the Tudors

I just finished watching the series, The Tudors. Henry VIII was horrible, but I still sobbed miserably over his death at the end. So, tear-stained face, I go up to Austin. He jumps to his feet and hugs me, asks what's wrong. So I tell him. And I tell him how wonderful the series was and how horrible the period was, but how much the series made you care.
Me, cleaning up the tears: I'm sorry if I worried you.
Austin: You always worry me.

Me: Why?

Austin: Because you scare me.
I roll my eyes.
Austin: I think LaRonda's right. You're not joking when you say you're going to kill me.
Me: I never said I was.

Polo Shirts

Yesterday, I wore a red polo shirt, a pair of jeans and a red pair of tennis shoes. Austin came in from work, was getting undressed and talking about how casual the other trainers dress.

Austin: I mean even X does it. I'm the only one that wears slacks and a button-down top. At first Y dressed, but since he got talked to, he wears tees and jeans. Z looks casual, fits the dress code, but she doesn't dress nice. B dresses nice. And I refuse to wear polo shirts. I hate polos. I think they're ugly and they're uncomfortable. I'm not wearing them.

Me, staring blankly.

Austin: You're wearing a polo shirt.

Me: Yes, I am.

Austin, flustered: Well, I don't take it back.

Happy Valentine's Day Again!!!

Since I screwed up and had that snafu with the Tax Time post, I'm going to post TWO Valentine's Day posts. You lucky people . . .

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! Austin & I were turning on the romance yesterday.

We were doing more NOLA research and I discovered a Museum of Death I had somehow managed to miss on previous searches. Oh, yea!!! So we went to the website to check it out.

Austin & I reading the displays: Body bags, coffins and skull collection. Antique mortician apparatuses, Manson Family photos. Crime & morgue scene photos. Artwork and letters from infamous serial killers. Graphic car accident photos.

Austin: What do they think we are?

Me: I can get that from any of the true crime shows I watch. I want dead bodies. Actual mummification. BODIES. I have seen mummy exhibits from multiple cultures, Egyptian stuff, amazing things. (Mumbling) graphic photos . . .

Austin: Yeah, that doesn't even sound interesting. With the Pompeii exhibit, I got bodies and I learned something.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I got Austin flowers for Valentine's Day. I mentioned that carnations are his favorite flower.
Austin: I never said that.
Me: Oh, I thought you had. What's you favorite flower?
Austin: I don't know.
Me, incredulously: You don't know what you favorite flower is?
Austin: I've never thought about it.
More discussion about flowers.
Austin: What's your favorite flower?
Me: I don't know. I don't really like flowers.
Austin: But you're going off that I don't know what my favorite flower is.
Me: I don't like flowers.
Austin: See, you frustrate me too.

Sex Thing

For those of you who think me admitting I have sex with my husband is TMI, stop reading now.
Random talking.
Me: I don't know what X was talking about when she said she'll never look at you the same. She might have been there when I talked about our accident.
Austin: What accident?
Me, the sex thing.
Austin, face-palm.
Me: Trust me--
Austin: No, I don't trust you when you tell people things like that.
Me: It was appropriate to the conversation we were having.
Austin: Scares me what you talk about at work. But as long as you told them my shlong is huge and magnificent, I guess I can ignore it.

Dr. Oz Bacon

Austin watched an episode of Dr. Oz today and is now convinced that we can make our very own low cal bacon with mushrooms and a few spices. Even though Austin & I neither one likes mushrooms. Austin starts telling me all the ways he's tried mushrooms and how every time, he still tastes the mushrooms.
Me: Well, I don't mind the dry ones. Shitaki I think. They're woody, sort of like bark, but a nice flavor.
Austin: This implies that you've eaten bark and have compared the flavor palate. 

BTW, we tried the mushroom bacon. Our choices were it tasted slimy and mushroomy or like charcoal.

Zits

Lately, a lot of people have been pushing me to have kids. I definitely am NOT pregnant. Austin & I were discussing this phenomenon last night. 

Austin: I try to get people to consider adoption, but everyone always talks about how great it is to have your own. Going through the process of pregnancy, feeling the baby grow inside of you, getting attached to it. My zits grow inside me and I'm not attached to them.

Austin told me I'm not allowed to post this, now I'm in a quandary over what to do.

Irish Washer Woman

In case I haven't mentioned, I'm Native American.

Austin was playing the Irish Washer Woman on violin, so I came in to listen and danced a jig.
Austin: You like my Irish Washer Woman?
Me: Absolutely. The best washer woman is an Irish washer woman.
Austin: Nah.
Me: You know it's true. Those Albanians have nothing on the Irish washer women.
Austin, touching my arm: Those Irish have nothing on my Native American mule of a woman.

Tax Time

I was really excited to file taxes because we were getting a nice refund & I was expecting that I'd have to pay this year. Austin & I always filed separately in the past, but in 2015, due to itemized deductions, we filed jointly. So this year, I figured file jointly, split up any refunds. I started out filing individually so I knew what my share was, then I added Austin on. Well, the refund amount went down. No, he didn't owe, just one of those odd situations where we do better to file separately.

Well, when I took Austin off to file separately, Turbo Tax didn't update the school, even though I went in and updated and it looked like it had in fact updated. When I opened up the file, no, it still was charging me as though we were filing jointly. Huge headache. And I explained all this to Austin.

Austin: Wow, you filed taxes too? So you got two sweaters from JCP, got groceries, stopped at Home Depot for some hardware and made dinner. You're amazing.

Me: Yeah, I'll finish yours this weekend after I straighten out this headache over the school taxes.

Austin: Yeah, and I still need to print out those papers for you.

Me: What papers?

Austin: My W-2. Unless they mailed it too.

Me: They mailed it. I told you what you were getting back already. How'd you think I did that without your W-2?

Austin: Magic.

Associate Y

I have worked at jcp almost 18 years. Austin celebrated his 10 year anniversary as an employee this past October. Everyone knows who Associate Y is.

Associate X (who's been there two or three years) was complaing about about how unhelpful this Associate Y is. She was unhelpful when Austin started. She was unhelpful back when I started.

Assoc X: Y should be fired. She's awful. She never takes calls. The stuff she tells new hires is just wrong. She told so-and-so blah-blah-blah. Austin, write her up.

Austin nods. Assoc X continues to rant, then storms off.

Austin, to two of his co-workers: You know I'm not doing that.

SMH

My current job, when work's done, I get to leave. This means sometimes I have four hour days, and sometimes I have ten hour days. Mazel tov. BTW, 'I'm not pregnant' is my euphemism for menstruation.

Rachel 12:47 PM

I'm asking if there are projects . . . so if the answer's no, I'm leaving.

Austin E 12:48 PM

k

Rachel 12:48 PM

I hope the answer's no. I'm not pregnant & I prefer to be home.

Austin E 12:48 PM

well I'm not pregnant either & would also prefer to be home

Rachel 12:48 PM

SMH

Tax Time

So, I was really excited to file taxes because we were getting a nice refund & I was expecting that I'd have to pay this year. Austin & I always filed separately in the past, but in 2015, due to itemized deductions, we filed jointly. So this year, I figured file jointly, split up any refunds. I started out filing individually so I knew what my share was, then I added Austin on. Well, the refund amount went down. No, he didn't owe, just one of those odd situations where we do better to file separately.

Well, when I took Austin off to file separately, Turbo Tax didn't update the school, even though I went in and updated and it looked like it had in fact updated. When I opened up the file, no, it still was charging me as though we were filing jointly. Huge headache. And I explained all this to Austin.

Austin: Wow, you filed taxes too? So you got two sweaters from JCP, got groceries, stopped at Home Depot for some hardware and made dinner. You're amazing.

Me: Yeah, I'll finish yours this weekend after I straighten out this headache over the school taxes.

Austin: Yeah, and I still need to print out those papers for you.

Me: What papers?

Austin: My W-2. Unless they mailed it too.

Me: They mailed it. I told you what you were getting back already. How'd you think I did that without your W-2?

Austin: Magic.

New Orleans Plans

Our New Orleans trip is quickly sneaking up on us. Austin gave me a list of things he'd like me to research, to see if we could visit anything locally.

Me: We said shopping, dining, what else was it you said?

Austin: Cemeteries.

Me: Oh yeah.

Austin: Your mom will like that.

Me: Yeah, and while we're there, we can bury her in one.

Austin: That's exactly what I was thinking! And then we'll have two hotel rooms!

Mattresses

On weekends I have to get up at 4:00 am to get to work on time. So I go to bed early. As I announce I'm going to bed, Austin stops me to thank me for grilling the steaks.
Me: Thanks for buying them.
Austin: I'm going to X tomorrow, if you get off early again and want to come.
Me: I don't know if I'll get off early again.
Me, sidling toward the door.
Austin: I need to visit Y and Z, but I probably won't do that tomorrow. I hate making a special trip and they're going to have company . . . Did I tell you that they got a new mattress? When Y would sling herself into bed, Z would literally fall out of bed onto the floor. They got this special mattress, there's been commercials, where people are jumping on the bed and there's a wine glass right next to them and it doesn't fall. You've seen those commercials. Well it's really true. I tried it and it's kind of like memory foam, really great. They love it. And they're very affordable. If I start making more money, I'm gonna start replacing my mattress every ten years. That's what they recommend, replacing every ten years.
Me: My mattress is about ten years old. I replaced it shortly before we started dating.
Austin: I've never replaced my mattress. It belonged to my grandparents. My mother didn't want to give it to me because she thought I'd ruin it and I have, but that's what furniture is for, to sit on and sleep in. Back when my grandparents bought their mattress, they didn't recommend how frequently you should replace it. Who knows how long they had it. I've had it over ten years. I think once I get a little more money, I'm gonna buy a new mattress.
Pause.
Austin: But you've got to get up early and you probably want to get to bed.
Me: I wanted to go to bed ten minutes ago, but you wanted to tell me all this crap about mattresses.

New Orleans

Me, Mom and Austin were talking about our New Orleans trip.

Austin: I'm gonna get drunk and have two beautiful women on my arms.

Me: Well, I know I'm going, but who's the other beautiful woman?

Mom, ready to kill me.

Fun with Probate

Fun with probate: We had some papers we had to sign to take care of Gene's house. My sis-in-law and Austin had to sign them. Once that was done, the lawyer had to notarize them.

Austin, pointing at the signature's: Mine is bigger than hers.
Me: That only matters if you're a man.

Sick

I'm home sick today. Austin is debating about taking the day off so he can take care of me, even though I'm feeling much better.

Me: I usually do the grocery shopping today.

Austin: I thought I could do the grocery shopping and you could stay home and rest.

Me: I know. I just don't trust you to get the groceries.

Austin: You don't trust me with anything.

Me: I know. Not a good basis for a long-term, loving relationship.