Sparks Joy

Austin May be in love with Marie Kondo, from a Netflix series Tidying Up. It’s basically Horders for Netflix. When she counsels families about getting rid of junk, she says an item must “spark joy” to be kept.
Me: You know, you think she’s cute—
Austin: She is. She’s adorable. Look at her!
Me: Okay, yes, she’s cute, but if she came in this house and told me to get rid of anything, I’d beat her with a broom.
Austin: No you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let you. She sparks joy.
Me: You don’t spark joy. Let’s get rid of you.

K

Me: I got your message about lunch with Loni, but the iPad was charging all day, so I only just got it at three o'clock, so I didn't bother to reply.

Austin: You sent a K.

Me: No, I didn't. I expressly didn't, because you leave at three o'clock and I didn't want to bother you if you were running late or driving.

Austin: I got a K.

Me: Well, it's possible, but I intentionally didn't send anything. If I sent something, it was a system snafu. I didn't mean to send anything. I'll have to look at the message again to see if something happened.

Austin whips out his cell.

Me: What? You're checking now?

Austin: Yep. It's not often I get to be right. And I want to enjoy it as soon as possible.

Austin sorts through his phone, shows me a K.

Me: That's not about lunch.

In fact, a picture I sent him of the mixer (a Christmas present) was posted after the K so I was sure it wasn't that.

Austin, looking closer at his phone: Oh. It must be the other Rachel.

Me, rolling eyes. He has me separately for texts and messages.

Austin: Here's lunch.

Silence.

Austin: No, you didn't send me a K.

Zombie Wife

Me: Sorry I didn’t get up this morning. I heard you getting ready for work, I just didn’t feel like getting up.
Austin: I figured that was it. Or you died. I’m glad it was the former.
Me: Well, if it was the latter, I couldn’t have made spaghetti sauce or painted the frame in the living room.
Austin: Well, yeah, if you were my zombie wife, you could still have done those things. And I’d actually be okay with that.
Me: But if I was a zombie, I’d starve. Because you have no brain.
Austin: But I’d have spaghetti.
Me: But what about me? What would I eat?
Austin: We have cats. Two of them the last I checked.

Help!

Austin & I were chilling in his room when there was a noise downstairs.

 Austin, getting up: It sounds like your mom.
Me: If it is, yell upstairs.
Austin: I will. Help!

Splitting Expenses

Me: I didn't charge you for house insurance.

Austin: But we already agreed you would.

Me: I know. That was before I picked up the temp job. Now I can afford it. But I also kind of feel like I should charge you because we already said we would. But I'm going to pay the house taxes myself.

Austin: Why?

Me: It's my house. I feel like I should pay it.

Austin: I live there.

Me: I know.

Austin: So charge me half.

Silence.

Austin: Then you won't be able to call me a freeloader anymore.

Silence.

Austin: You like calling me a freeloader.

Me: I do.

Mkay

Passing the local deli, reading the sale sign.
Me: Colby, farmer’s cheese and Cajun turkey.
Austin, mimicking Mr. Mackey from Southpark: Colby, mkay, farmer’s cheese, mkay, Cajun turkey, mkay.
Me: I keep praying for you and it keeps not working.
Austin: I don’t ever see you pray.
Me: Just because I don’t get down on me knees and hold my hands in prayer doesn’t mean I don’t pray.
Austin: Maybe that’s why it’s not working.

Steaks

At Kroger, checking out the markdown steaks.
Me: Nothing speaks to me.
Austin: Well, I’d be shocked if it did. Not only are they animals, they’re all dead.

Succulent

Me: Oh, your succulent needs watered.
Austin: It looks fine.
Me: You don’t look at it very often.
Austin: I look at it all the time. The leaves look good.
Me: The leaves are thin and dry.
Austin: It’s a cactus. It’s supposed to look like that.
Me: Just for that, I’m going to use your water.
Austin: I feed it. I give it dog food. That seems to work.
Rolls eyes.
Austin: And turkey. It really likes turkey.
I ignore him.
Austin: I should just stop now.
Me: I wish you did that more often.

Happy A....

Me: I keep thinking, in a few days, it’ll be twelve years. I can’t believe it’s been twelve years. TWELVE! How did this happen?
Austin: Twelve years of what?
Yes, I kicked him.

(Anniversary, for those of you not playing along.)

Three Ring Circus

Me: This old guy told me a joke. Wedding is a three ring circus. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, then the suffer ring.
Austin: Since we never bothered to exchange rings, does that mean mine is a one ring circus? ‘Cause all I got was the suffer ring. 

Cue punch.

Feed the Cats?

Me: Did you feed the cats?
Austin: Tink ate Mouse, so now we only have one cat to worry about. And yes, she’s been fed. 

Tink & Mouse curled up on my suitcase.

 Tink on the grocery bag.

Tink: What me?

Peer Recognition

Me: I was given a peer recognition award at work for being so enthusiastic and having a positive attitude.
Austin: They don’t know you very well. 

Me: I got another peer recognition award at work today.
Austin: You’ve got them completely fooled.
Me: They have low expectations.

Hot Chocolate

There were three packets of hot chocolate in our cupboard. Believe it or not, I don’t buy hot chocolate.
Me: What’s this hot chocolate doing up here?
Austin: I brought it in.
Me: I assumed that, since I didn’t.
Austin: I thought it might be nice to have some hot chocolate around.
Me: I think it’d be nice to have some hot chocolate around too, but you take our marital vows too seriously and won’t let me have casual affairs. I don't think Emun Elliott can be considered hot chocolate. He's more mocha.

Cue Austin rolling his eyes.

Insert pic of Emun Elliott here. I'm being lazy this morning. Do a Google search for images of Emun Elliott.

That's What He Said

Austin & I were playing Fibbage on Jackbox games. It was neck and neck. One minute, Austin would be leading. The next, I was in the lead. Our biggest problem is that we tend to pick the other one's lies.

But I won!

Me: I didn't think I would, but I pulled it out in the end.

Austin: That's what he said.

Brave vs. Cunning

Someone called me brave. It’s happened before. But it always gums up my head when someone says something like that to me.
Me: Do you think I’m brave?
Austin, I can tell by the look on his face, it’s like I’ve asked him if the dress makes me look fat.
Austin, finally: In some ways. I think you’re brave when it comes to things like buying your own house. Like voicing your opinion. I don’t think you’re dragon warrior brave. I mean, I save the world all the time. You could never do that.
Me, rolls eyes.
Austin: Like skydiving.
Me: I’d never skydive. I have a brain. All kinds of things could go wrong and get you killed going skydiving.
Austin: That’s what I mean. I think you’re too smart to be truly brave. I think you’re cunning.
Me, startled.
Austin: Like with money. You’re cunning with money.
Me: I don’t think I’m cunning with money. Cunning is kind of evil and underhanded.
Austin: I could see how you’d see that. But cunning is just really sharp, really smart.
So I looked it up. Cunning: Achieving one’s goals or acquiring one’s desires by deceit or evasion.
Austin: Oh. Then, no. You’re not cunning with money. You’re cunning with husbands.

Paranoid

Austin & I are going dinner later. Austin was putting on his shoes. I check the clock, 5:30. I thought I knew what time we were leaving, but . . .
Me: What time are we leaving?
Austin: 6:00.
Me: So you’re just putting on your shoes to make me paranoid?
Austin came over, sat next to me, slithered his arm around me.
Austin: Everything I do is to make you paranoid.

Why...

Austin: Why did your doctor want you to wait three months for sex?
Me: Because the uterus and cervix was removed. I have a cuff at the top of my vagina now.
Austin: Huh?
Me: The doctor was checking me and all but one suture has dissolved. That one should be gone in two weeks, so the doctor said I should be fine for sex by then.
Austin: Have you ever had anything up around your cervix?
Me: Yeah, it's numb in that area, but I would know.
Austin: I don't think I've ever been up around your cervix.
Me: You haven't.
Austin: Well, just tell your doctor I have a small dick and we can get back to having sex now,
Me: Um, I did mention that.

Cleared to...

I had my last pelvic with my doctor. Initially, she said I wouldn't be able to have sex for three months after surgery, but after my visit, she said I could have sex in two weeks, a whole month sooner than projected.
Me: You get to have sex! For your birthday! April 20th! With your wife!
Austin: Oh with my wife.

More GBBO

Watching the Great British Bake Off. The last bit is always Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry discussing who wins. Mary Berry said, ‘Well, there was some question, but I’m in agreement with Paul.’
Austin: But in 2016, Mary doesn’t agree with Paul and that’s why Mary isn't in season 4. Paul killed her in 2017. Now she's Mary Buried.

Great British Bake Off

Austin: I can just see how this is going to go. I’m going to hear about Rob from Great British Bake Off for weeks to come.
Me: Nah. As soon as this is over, I’ll forget all about him.
Austin: He’s got a square jaw, fantastic hair and he can bake.
Me: You’re right. He is my type.
A bit later.
Me: But you know, he seems like he’s dumb as a brick. I have no patience for idiots.
Austin: And yet you married me.
Me: As much as you pretend to be a dip, you’re actually very intelligent.
Austin, rushing to get his iPad: Hey Siri, switch to record mode. Say that again.

Right & Wrong

Me: Mom put $2 on that potato bin. I told her to put $5 on that thing.
Austin: It’s $2 we wouldn’t have had before.
Me: I know. It just makes me mad that she insists I’m the one who said $2. I said $5. It would just kill her to admit she’s wrong.
Austin says nothing.
Me: I know. I do the same exact thing.
Austin: Thank you for understanding how frustrating that can be.

Sanding the Floor

Me: That lady [at the rental center] said that thing would pick up 90% of the dust. That thing isn’t picking up 50%.
Austin: Complain when you return it. Maybe they’ll give us a 15% discount.

Me: I’m concerned about the edging. None of my sanders will fit under the cabinets. That’s a lot of sanding to do by hand.
Austin: It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: I don’t want a bunch of accent rugs lining my kitchen floor.
Austin: You don’t have to. We can just leave it dark. It’s called rustic.
Me, the look.
Austin: Really, it is.

D&D

Austin was on his way to a D&D game.
Austin: Wish me luck.
Me: Why?
Austin: I don’t want to die.
Me: I don’t want anyone to kill you except me, so good luck.

FB Group

One of Austin's friends created a FB group so they could create a role-playing game together. More than a month has gone by since the friend created the group. Austin finally asked me to help him find the group on FB and how to use the group. As it turns out, one person posted in the group and that was to say that he couldn't participate in the game.

Austin: I feel bad that no one has posted anything, but it also makes me feel better that I haven't posted.

Me: Look at who's in the group. His brother, his step-son, he talks directly to those people. He doesn't need a FB group for them.

Austin: That's true. Cody, Eric, uh, um, uh, what's her name?

Me: His wife?

Austin: Yeah.

Me: Misty.

Meg Ryan & John Mellencamp

Me: I just found out Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are engaged. It happened in November, but I just heard about it the other day.

Austin so doesn't care.

Me: I don't know why they bother. Mellencamp has been married like four or five times. Why would you marry someone who's been married that many times? Like Emeril Lagasse, he's been married like three or four times.

[Incidentally, each of these men have been married three times, Meg would be #4, according to Wikipedia]

Austin: You wouldn't want to be Mrs. Lagasse?

Me: No.

Austin: You know you love his essence. You love my essence. You'd like to bottle my essence, share that with everyone.

Me: I'd like to bottle you up and hide you away in the pantry.

Roses

Someone was a good girl. It wasn't me. But someone was.

Incision

I'm all but recovered. I'm tired, but I don't have any pain. Every once in a while, something will bump the incision... but besides that, I'm good.

Austin hugged me goodnight, then slipped his arms around my waist.
Austin: Ooo, sorry.
Me: You’re fine, just don’t squeeze me down there.
So he reached down and squeezed my bum.

Life After the Catheter

Me: Every time I pee, it feels funny.
Austin: Good thing you haven’t had to pee in a public restroom. People would wonder why you’re laughing.
Me: Not that kind of funny.
So then Austin goes to the restroom and starts belting out laughter.
Me: Shut up!

Later, I had to use the restroom and took my iPad with me, as it seemed it would take a bit. I started laughing at this meme.
Austin: I thought it wasn’t that kind of funny.

Stupid Questions

If I Become a Burden

Austin and I were watching “Emanations” an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. A planet where the people terminate their lives if they become a burden on their families.
Austin: If I ever become a burden on you—
Me: Too late.

Bubby

I’m very cognizant of Kroger points and fuel savings and what their gas prices are.
Mom: Gas is $2.19. I think I’ll stop and get some.
Me: Gas is $2.17 at Kroger.
Mom: Nah. I’ll let Booby have the points.
Me: Austin’s nickname is Bubby.
Mom: Not to me.