Dateline

 I’ve been watching Dateline reruns all day, husband after husband murdering his wife.

Me: I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about you suddenly murdering me and throwing my body in a river.

Austin: It won’t be sudden.

Avocado

 I don’t like avocado, but it’s heart-healthy, so I’m adding a little to my diet. Austin loves avocado.

Austin: I like it with a little salt. The flavor really pops.

Me: I add avocado to my toast with a little cinnamon and sugar.

Austin: Well, yeah, you can do that if you want to be gross.

Me: If I can get used to your face, I can get used to avocado.

Merry Christmas

 Me: There was a baking incident.

Austin, checking out the damage: What happened? 

Me: The pie crust protector got stuck to the pie pan and dragged across the pie. I’ll give that one to Zach and Charmaine.

Austin, laughing.

Me: It’s not like he’s my favorite nephew.

Austin: He’s your only nephew.

Me: Robbie. (long pause) And the other one.

Pumpkin

 Me: There’s one slice of pumpkin bread left in the kitchen. You can have it. It was really good. I’ll have to make more… eventually.

Austin: You could make more for Christmas, pull it out of the oven right before we leave so your family can enjoy nice, warm pumpkin bread.

Me: In addition to the pies?

Austin: Maybe we can change it up a bit and you can do bread instead of pie. I know you’re trying to get rid of pumpkin. But then, the bread may not use as much pumpkin as the pies.

Me: Pumpkin bread uses eight ounces of pumpkin. Pie uses one pound of pumpkin. 

Austin: That’s a big difference.

Me: They’re different animals.

Austin: I thought they were vegetarian.

I have to take a minute before I can react. I pat Austin on the back.

Austin: Thank you.

Me: For what? Not killing you?

Austin: I would have liked a nice fake laugh, but I’ll take what I can get.

Prue’s Necklace

 While watching great British Baking Show, of Prue’s necklace, Austin: It looks like a cross between a spider and a jellyfish. I want to smack it off her neck.

The Sister-In-Law

 I tossed some cookie cutters with swear words on them into the thrift store pile.

Austin: You didn't even open them.

Me: I make cookies for my family and children. I'm not baking cookies that say, "Fuck Off."

Austin: I dread what we'll get from her for Christmas this year.

Me, groaning: She means well.

Austin: She means something. Like a question mark means something.

Tightening Cream

Me, rubbing Austin's tummy: I love my husband.

Austin: You don't love my flab.

Me: It's healthy. When you had a six-pack, you were dieting at an unhealthy level.

Austin, grabbing one of his new creams: This one is for tightening. I'm going to rub it all over my tummy, my butt. And if that works, I'll try it on your mouth.

Blue Eye Samaurai

  Austin was telling me about this anime he’s been watching.

Austin: There’s this samaurai. The girl is half English and half Japanese and no one knows she’s female. And she is ostracized for being half English. And she has blue eyes.

Me: She’s more than half English. For her to have blue eyes, her Japanese side would have to have married a blue eyed person and hidden it or it’s been forgotten, but the recessive blue gene would have had to be hiding in there somewhere for her then to have blue eyes with just one blue eyed parent.

Austin: This is an anime. It’s not about genetics.

Barbie Dreams

 Austin and I were listening to Barbie Dreams by Fifty Fifty. 

Me: I don’t want a pink corvette.

Austin: I want a pink corvette.

Me: With sparkles?

Austin: Of course. Is there another kind?

Nespresso

 A friend of ours was blaming Austin for his Nespresso machines breaking so frequently.

Me: No, it’s not him. Trust me, I’ve checked. You just push a button. If I could blame him, I would. I love blaming him for stuff.

Bathroom Shenanigans

 Austin: I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it, but after I burned the roof of my mouth yesterday, I just had skin peeling all day and all night. This morning when I brushed my teeth, there was still skin peeling off. It was awful.

Me: well, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but since you decided to share, I’ll share too. While you were taking a shower, I had to use the downstairs bathroom, which is never very good at flushing, but I really had to go, so I went. It took two flushes for number two to go down.

Austin: when I have to go, and you’re taking up the upstairs bathroom, I like to go in the sink.

Me: good grief.

Austin: I just run the water until it goes down.

Me: Shut up.

Austin: Sometimes, I take a fork and stir it around like it’s a big bubbling cauldron.

What To Wear

 I’ve been hounding Austin about time and place for our lunch with friends for a couple of days.

Me: Has there been any updates on where we’re eating today?

Austin: I’ll let you know when I know. 

Me: Well, I’m ready to get dressed and wanted to know.

Austin: X and Y sleep later than we do. It’s Sunday, sleep in day. And it takes 45 minutes for us to get to Z. They may text us while we’re driving.

Me: But I want to know which T-shirt I should wear. I can take a spare—

Austin started laughing so hard that I stopped.

The Man in the Mirror

 Me: When I looked into the mirror, I noticed how flabby my arms are. They’re  old lady arms.

Austin: When I looked into the mirror, I said, “Hey, [smiling and winking], who are you?”

Me: That’s Alzheimers.

Take-Out

 Austin didn’t want to get dressed to get food, so I offered to pick it up if he placed the order. Austin dug through his wallet and gave me his credit card for our joint account.

Me: I have my own, thanks.

Austin laughs all embarrassed.

Me: I’m going to take your car.

Austin dug through his bag and held out his keys.

Me: Seriously?

Holiday Grab Bag

 Austin and I were doing some Christmas shopping and Austin decided he wanted to get some Christmas crackers. I told him to get the six pack and he suggested getting the 12 pack.

Austin: we want to make sure we have enough for everybody.

Me: there is only going to be five of us.

Austin: you said there would be 12 people. 

Me, yelling likes he’s stupid: that’s for Halloween! 

Austin started laughing and I rolled my eyes. 

More T-Shirts

Me, still shopping the T-shirt sale, but down to $150 in my cart: I don’t really like this one; it’s cute and I like the color, but it’s not really me.

Austin , pointing out a different shirt: You could get rid of this one. You’ve got a ton of Halloween shirts and the holiday is over. 

Me: But I don’t have a month’s worth. I only have a week’s worth, so I can buy more of those.

T-Shirts

 Me, with a shopping bag full of $200 in sale T-shirts: I don’t need 20 T-shirts. I can get rid of this one that is the shiba ramen noodles stand and this one that’s the kitties cuddling in a heart shape. And I probably could get rid of the spicy dragon one, but I’m not sure.

Austin: You’ve already got a ton of shirts for eating at Chinese restaurants. You don’t need the boba cat. You’ve already got another one like it.

Me: That one is for Halloween. This one is for all seasons.

Austin, smacking his head: If you want to get it, get it, but I already know that you’re going to come to me with a dozen shirts and ask me which one you should wear to X, when what I really should have done is tell you to take it out of your shopping bag.

Butt Cream

 Austin: I got some butt cream to help firm up my butt. I figure I sit all day while I’m working, so I can claim it as a health expense and pay for it with my HSA.

Facials and Stuff

 Austin was showing me all facial masks and moisturizers he bought from Temu and comparing them to the ones he’d purchased at Amazon.

Austin: And this one (orange) is for daytime and this (yellow) is for nighttime. They’re even different colors.

Me: I would expect the daytime one to be yellow.

Austin: They’re for whitening.

Me: You’re already white.

Austin: You’re right, I am. I’m going to try them on my teeth.

Halloween Decorations

 

Leftover Candy

 Austin, diving into the mini rice crispy treats we bought: These are only 45 calories a piece. I can eat ten of these before I have to worry. I’ve got three more to go.

Happy Halloween!!!!

 While giving out, candy, Austin: Reese’s pumpkins?

Me: Yeah, you want one?

Austin: Yeah, we bought them. We can eat as much as we want.

[And he’s the skinny one.]

Austin, later: Do you want one?

Me: Nah.

Austin, breaking the Reese’s pumpkin open: I’ve never had one before. I’m excited to try it.

Me: It’s just a Reese’s cup shaped like a pumpkin. There’s no special flavor.

Austin: Oh. That’s not as exciting.

Me, wondering who I married: You live in a cave.

Infrared Thermometer

 Austin and I have wanted an infrared thermometer for a long time and I finally bought one. Austin pointed it at his forehead and I yelled at him about radiation. Then I admitted I had already pointed it at my hand.

Me: It said I was 94 degrees, so it was a little off.

Austin: It’s a lot off. You’re cold as ice.

Free Weekend

 Austin has been around a lot lately. Like rarely going out with his friends and his sister has fallen down the alcoholism rabbit hole again, so he hasn’t spent time with her.

Usually, when I see Austin first thing in the morning, I give him a big hug, burrow into his plush robe and tell him how much I love him and how thankful I am that I have him.

Me, launching into his arms: I’m so glad you’re going to see your friends tonight and then spending tomorrow with your brother. And in the evening, visiting X. I’ll have the house all to myself. It’ll be so nice and quiet.

Austin: I love you too.

Soup

 Austin doesn’t usually like the soup I make, so I don’t share it with him. 

Me: I think it turned out really good this time. I added tomato paste and vegetarian sausage. It tastes really good. You might like it.

Meanwhile, Austin is making funny faces.

Me: You don’t have to try it, I just thought you’d like it.

Austin: My expression had nothing to do with that. I was just practicing making funny faces.

Me: You don’t have to practice. Your face is funny already.

Free Bread

 So this is a coupon right now. If a woman needs tampons, she should have free ice cream.

Yosemite Sam

 Me: Thank you for a lovely afternoon. I cannot imagine anyone I’d rather spend it with.

Austin: I don’t know about that. You’ve got a a pretty good imagination. You could imagine lunch with the Grinch, Mr. T, Yosemite Sam.

 Once again, Austin’s Nespresso machine is acting up. We’re going to camp out with a bunch of artists and sci-fi/fantasy writers tonight.

Me: Well, maybe we can get all the hippies to dance around the campfire and call out to the pagan gods to resurrect your machine.

Walmart

 Me: Have I told you how much i love you , how much I appreciate you and glad I am that you’re my husband?

Austin : Don’t try buttering me up. You’re going into Walmart with me.

Internet

 Our Internet went out this morning, and still is out…

Austin: You’re doing laundry? The internet is out. How are you doing that?

Me, gives the look. 

Austin : And you’re cooking? What kind of witchcraft is this?

Stale Oreos

 We have stale Oreos , so I read these suggestions to Austin.

Austin : I was going to take the Oreos apart, take the cream out, use a blow dryer on the cookies, then put the Oreos back together.

I Love You So Much

 Me: You make me so happy. I must must have been so mean and angry before I met you.

Austin: You’re still mean and angry.

Me: I love you so much.

Chocolate Extravaganza

 Me: We have had piles of exotic chocolate in our cupboard for ten days and we still haven’t touched it.

Austin: So?

Me: So, I can only resist temptation for so long. The chocolate is whispering to me. “Rachel, come eat me. Rachel, you paid for me. You are justified eating all you want.”

Austin: That’s not the chocolate talking to you. That’s a tumor.

Dinner

 Me: Do you have DnD tonight?

Austin: No.

Me: Oh. I didn't pull anything down for dinner. But you get off two hours early, so you can make dinner tonight.

Austin: I'm fine with fending for ourselves. We've got plenty of food in the fridge. We could have that turkey thing, the roll.
Me: The vegetarian turducken?
Austin: Yeah. I thought I'd release it in the backyard and shoot it with my gun and reaffirm my manhood.

Sidewalks

 The village is putting in sidewalks at the school. Long overdue.

Austin: Those sidewalks are too wide. Children will be able to walk side by side. It will lead to promiscuity in our young generation.

Poop Your Heart Out

 Austin took our dog Tess out and she peed. Shortly after he brought her back in, she indicated she needed to go out.

Austin: She was just out.

Me: I’m not going to have an accident in the house.

Austin: She doesn’t need to go.

But I took her out anyway. Tess pooped in one spot, trotted to another part of the yard, pooped again, then found another spot and pooped again.

Me, bringing Tess in: Tess just pooped her heart out.

Austin: Oh no! It’s not supposed to come out of that end. Could she get it back in? 

Butt Wiping

 Last year this time, Austin and I were in Washington with friends and their son, who was three and new to potty training at the time. We are making plans to go back next year. Their son will be five.

Me: At least little X will be able to wipe his own butt.

Austin: Five year olds still have potty accidents.

Me: I won’t be wiping his butt. I don’t want to wipe a butt ever again.

Austin: You might have to wipe my butt someday. I might drool and have snot that needs wiped up.

Me: If I have to wipe you up, I’m going to go directly from your butt to your mouth to your nose.

Ant Murder

 Austin and I have a policy that we don’t kill invading insects, spiders, etc. We put them outside when possible.

Me: I just killed an ant. I couldn’t get around it.

Austin: Well, it sounds like it was a crime of passion. As long as you didn’t leave any fiber or DNA evidence, you should be fine.

Groceries

 Austin, picking up a couple of bags of chips on clearance: These chips are such a great price, I can’t pass them up. But DnD keeps getting cancelled. I can’t eat two bags of chips by myself, but it nags at me.

Me: Like you married them?

Noodles

 Austin: We need to use these noodles. But I also feel like noodles never go bad. I also have those udon noodles. I can’t wait to experiment with them.

Me: I don’t like udon noodles.

Austin: I love them. I’m surprised you don’t.

Me: I don’t like thick noodles.

Austin: I’m a thick noodle.

Me: You’re a wet noodle.

Explosive Diarrhea

 One of our former co-workers died recently.

Me, hugging Austin: I don’t want you to die until after I’m already gone.

Austin: Then you want me to be alone.

Me: No. I want you to die shortly after me.

Austin: I’ll be ripped apart by wolves.

Me: Then you can be with me. And Mom will be there.

Austin: I don’t know about that. If I’m ripped apart by wolves, I might not look that great.

Me: You don’t look that great now.

Austin: Thanks. I hope you die of explosive diarrhea.

Morning

 

New Idea

 Austin: I have a new idea for an invention. An ice cube tray that makes ice cubes that fit into a water bottle.

Me: That already exists.

Austin: It's my idea now.

What’s That Say?

 A game we haven’t played for a long time, what’s that word on the grocery list?

Dexewl? Doyewl? Some combination of the two?

There’s a hint above.

Nyquil.

Ah! Dayquil.

Migraine

 Me, dashing after Austin, getting into the car: I almost took a migraine pill, but then I decided not to bother.

Austin: I’m sorry your head hurts. Do you want to go back to the house and get a pill? I can wait.

Me: Nah. Work is over now. I’d rather complain to you.

Ohio Weather

 Austin: I'm glad I closed the windows last night. It got down to 49 last night. It's supposed to be cold like that again tonight.

Me: Sounds about right.

Austin: And I heard in the forecast, it's supposed to--

Me: Snow.

Kill Me

 A friend and I were supposed to go out, but she canceled on me.

Me: X said, ‘I know you’re going to kill me.’ I said, ‘I can’t kill you if we don’t get together.’

Austin: Actually, you can. You can send a bomb. Poison them. 

A minute later.

Austin: Never mind, you’re a hands-on kind of girl.

O’Brien

 Austin: What is O’Brien’s first name on Star Trek.

Me: Miles.

Austin: oh, thank God. I couldn’t remember and it was killing me.

Me: I shouldn’t have answered. We didn’t have to call 9-1-1 or anything.

Face

 I have a cold.

Me: My face hurts.

Austin: From your sinuses being clogged?

Me: Yes.

Austin: Well, your face hurts me when I look at it.

Dime

 Austin and I were taking a walk. He bent down to pick something up.

Austin: I found a dime. [It was grimy.] Do you think stores will still take this?

Me: Yeah, we just have to wash it.

So I did just that when we got home. As soon as I saw a shield on the coin, I cringed.

Me: I hate to break it to you, bub, but this is just a penny.

Austin: Well, stop washing it. Maybe it will turn back into a dime. 

Math

 My current project is done. I turned down a Math project due to this project running over. Which upset me a little.

Me: My SD said if I still want to do Math, I can contact HR. [Grumbling.] I just came to the conclusion that I don’t need Math.

Austin: I came to that conclusion in high school.

Nespresso Again

 Austin tears down the stairs, then stops suddenly. The Nespresso again.

Austin: I was going to take the pod out, but I forgot it does it automatically. I don’t want it to become temperamental.

Me: You are more cautious and careful with that machine than with me.

Austin, who bought the warranty: I’m guaranteed 4 perfect years with that thing. With you, [waves it off].

Nespresso

For several days, Austin has not had his Nespresso machine. It has been touching go many days this past week. Austin literally bought two machines that did not work, before finally getting this one that does work. Austin was making a cup of coffee in the new, working Nespresso machine. The coffee was all frothy and beautiful.

Me, hugging Austin: Maybe I should take a video to post on Facebook.

Austin: I already took a video for posterity.

Dinner

 Me: Thank you for making dinner all this week.

Austin: You’re going to be on your own tomorrow.

Me: That’s fine.

Austin: I pulled some chicken down, but I don’t know if it will be defrosted in time, but you can do what you want with it. I mean, you can eat it. Don’t defile or abuse it.

President

 On the news, it showed that 60-70% of people are against Biden running for president again. Likewise, 60-70% are against Trump running again. 

Austin: Desantis yada yada.

Me: He’s a liar &$#*@. I want to at least believe my president is telling the truth.

Austin: Let’s put a dog in the White House.

Me: That’d be about as good as anyone else.

Austin, pretending to be a reporter: Mr. Snoofleballs, how is the economic situation?

Both of us: Ruff.

Card

 I gave Austin his birthday card.

Austin, opening it: I wonder what it could be?

Me, recalling birthday cards past: A coaster.

Apple TV

 Austin has wanted an Apple TV for months and months now. We have one in the living room. He loves it. I told him he could have it and I’ll get a Firestick. No, it’s fine. He wants the Apple TV in the living room. A few months have gone by. 

Austin: My Firestick has died.

I check Amazon. A new Firestick is $19.99. 

Austin: I want an Apple TV.

I suggest again that he take the one in the living room.

Austin: I really want an Apple TV.

There’s a glow in his eyes.

Me: Then get one.

Austin: I’m trying to save money.

Apple TVs cost $129.99. This is just a box that you attach to your TV. It’s not an actual TV.

Austin: Today is my birthday. Will you get me one?

Isn’t that convenient.

Do Bees Newbies

 It was Austin’s turn to pick underwear.

Austin: let’s do the bees.

Me: We were going to wear them for four-twenty day.

Austin: you and your crazy planning ahead.

OUR Yogurt

 I was making yogurt this morning and one of the ingredients in yogurt is…yogurt. So I set it on the counter. I was doing some other things, waiting for the base to come to temp and…Austin is hanging around the kitchen.

Me: Where’s my yogurt. [I spot Austin] Did you put away my yogurt?

I go to the  fridge, don’t even wait for the answer.

Austin: Yes. And it’s OUR yogurt.

I glare at him.

Austin: Sort of like it’s our house until you’re mad at me.

 While listening to a radio ad about injury at work and hiring lawyer.

Austin, who works from home: What about if my wife beats me up while I’m working? I want compensation for that.

 I asked Austin if I could have these blankets.

Austin: No.

Me: But my name is on them.

Cremation

 Austin: I decided to try the mustard sauce. I figure it’s better for you, though none of this is good for you. But my body won’t weigh as much in the casket. That will make it easier for you to carry.

Me: I’m not carrying your coffin. In fact, you better not die for me.

Austin: I’m just talking hypothetically.

Me: Good. But if you die before me, there won’t be a casket. I’ll have you cremated.

Austin: Not until a full autopsy is done.

Dishes

 Austin and I were arguing about what dishes to get rid of and not having enough space in our cupboards. Like the vitamin thing.

Me, pointing out some nesting soup bowls: Well, we can move these bowls down here. The other ones are different shapes, so they don't stack as easily.

Austin: Yeah.

Me: Now, if we could get rid of these dopey little bowls, the plates would stack nicely.

Austin: I like those dopey little bowls. You aren't really suggesting I use normal bowls like a NeanderTHall.

Me: It's pronounced NeanderTALL.

Death

 Austin: I'm having this pressure on my knees. It reminds me of mom talking about liquid building up on her knees and having to get it drained. Getting old sucks.

Me: The alternative is death.

Austin: Then I'll die.

Me: You're not allowed to die until I do.

Austin: You can't tell me what to do.

Me: Oh, can't I?

Cannibalism

Watching an old episode of Call the Midwife. The nun explaining why dogs can go to Heaven.

Austin: Catholics don't believe dogs go to Heaven.

Me: Not by the letter of the Bible. The Bible says that only creatures with souls go to Heaven. That's why it's okay to eat animals, because they don't have souls.

Austin: By that definition, cannibals just have to prove that the person they ate didn't have a soul.

Vitamins

 Me: I'm trying to drink the last of this milk tea so we have room in the cupboard for the vitamins again.

Austin: But we'll get more milk tea and hot chocolate.

Me: I want the vitamins to be back in the kitchen cupboard where they belong.

Austin: It makes more sense to have them in the bathroom cupboard with the medications.

Me: I want them in the kitchen.

Austin: How about I hang my clothes up in the kitchen?

Me: That's fine. I'll just get catsup all over them.

Austin: Then don't be surprised if I dump your vitamins in catsup.

Apple TV

This is a long one to finally get to the punch.

Austin has been talking about getting an Apple TV for months. Because his friend, who works for Apple, has one. Austin frequently get product envy with his friends. They got a new deck, so he wants to put in a new deck. Which will cost above $10,000. So maybe someday in the distant future…

I have been steadily selling Mom’s DVD collection through Ebay, making an extra dollar or two.

Anyway, for months, there has been nothing wrong with the Fire Stick, just things like this app that started out free wants to charge now and mirroring difficulty, that app not working.

Austin: Try shutting down and restarting

Which worked once.

Austin: Deleting the app and re-adding.

It’s an Amazon app. It can’t be deleted and re-added. 

Austin: Try resetting the Fire Stick.

The Fire Stick just goes into a loop. I can’t add apps, I can get back to the apps that were on there, it just says to press (->) to start, loops through the language, then asks me to press (->) again, over and over…

Me, groaning: I think we need a new Fire Stick.

Austin: I want an Apple TV.

Groaning and moaning, fine.

Austin takes his first break, yackety-yack-yack-yack, Apple TV how-to videos, Apple TV costs this much, will be here Wednesday.

Austin takes second break, yackety-yack-yack-yack, HDMI cable to hook into TV, price points from $10 to $70, does half a hundred different things, depending on your needs, not sure which one to get. 

Austin, after work, while making dinner, picked specific HDMI cable. Will be here on Thursday.

Me: Do you want to watch Murder, She Wrote on DVD?

Austin: Why don’t you just turn on the Fire Stick?

Favorite Spatula

 Me: I don’t know why we’re keeping this flipper. It really has had it.

Austin: I’m not the one who wanted to keep it. When you showed it to me a couple of years ago, I wanted to throw it out. But you had some really convoluted reason for keeping it and it gave me a chance to exercise the muscles in my face so I wouldn’t roll my eyes.

Do You See What I See?

 Austin, admiring the ankle socks at MeUndies: But if I got ankle socks that match my underwear, I’d feel obligated to wear the matching socks when I wear the underwear.

Me: That’s how I feel about my dinosaur footies.

Austin: Our whole underwear routine is already overly complicated.

Me: We have too much underwear and the underwear that doesn’t match doesn’t get worn enough. And really, underwear should be thrown out after a year of wear. Bacteria builds up in that area, makes it unsanitary.

Austin: That’s not true. I’ve had all kinds of underwear that’s lasted longer than a year and there’s no microbes or weird bacteria growing. Everything down there is normal.

Me, not saying anything.

Austin: Wow, the look on your face! That’s a ‘I spend time down there’ kind of face. (Singing the much loved Christmas carol) Do you see what I see?

Facebook Ads

 Me on FB: Oh my God, I can’t believe FB has an ad for this. I get jailed for jokes because FB is stupid, but it’s posting vibrators in their ad section.

Austin takes my iPad.

The Amazon pic.

Me: That is completely not even close to what I thought that was.

Age Gap

 Austin and I have been married long enough that we no longer feel the 10 year age gap between us, but every once in a while something like this happens.

Austin: I don’t know who that top group is.

Super bowl

 Austin and I were about to flip the radio station when the DJ said: Astrologists are predicting the Kansas City Chiefs win tonight.

Austin made some grumbly, growling noises. He thinks astrology is mumbo jumbo. And made some remarks.

Me: Astrology, real astrology, is complicated and when you know all the layers, there’s actually something to it.

Austin: Mumbo-jumbo, ya da ya da, garbage.

Me: We’ll just see tonight when Kansas City wins.

Zucchini Spears

 Austin and I were discussing healthy snack options, such as applesauce and cottage cheese.

Me: I’m going to make zucchini spears in a bit.

Austin, eyes wide: Why? Are you going to stab me? Are you going to go hunting? Will you bring back meat?

Eye roll. Later.

Austin: What are you turning on the oven for?

Me: I told you. I’m going to make zucchini spears.

Austin: Tess, run for your life!

City BBQ

While placing an order at City Barbecue.

 Austin: I want a naked turkey.

Me: That’s what I get every Sunday.

Back Pain

 So, on Wednesday, I threw out my back for the first time. And I'm not even 50 yet. Never mind that Austin frequently has back pain is 10 years younger than me. We didn't do anything special for our annibirthday on Thursday. We went to the YMCA to exercise and ate out at a local Vietnamese restaurant. 

Our big plans are for today. We're going to Columbus to eat with a friend and we're going to shop for new dinnerware, then buy chocolate from World Market.

Me, last night: Funny thing about back pain, I can walk two miles on a treadmill comfortably, but sitting kills me. I wanted to lie down on the bench in the sauna, but they didn't have any handles, so I didn't feel like I could lie down safely and I definitely would have hurt myself getting back up.

Austin: Are you feeling any better today?

Me: Ha, I wish. You know what was the worst? Being in the car. No back support, in that curved position. 

Austin: I was thinking about that. You know, tomorrow, we'll be in a car all day, an hour to Columbus, driving around to the restaurant, then different stores. You might not want to do it.

Me: Dream on. I'll lie flat on my back in the backseat.

Ten Years!!!!!!

 Austin is having a midlife crisis, so we now go to the YMCA twice a week to work out in addition to our daily walks. On Thursdays, before going to the Y, we eat out, careful to choose healthful meals. And of course, we’re democratic about these meals, each of choosing every other week.

Austin: I know it’s my turn, but since it’s your birthday, I think you should choose where we eat this week.

Me: It doesn’t really matter. It’s our anniversary also, so you might as well pick.

Austin: Your birthday is more important than our anniversary, so you pick.

Me: Well, you’re working, so it’s not like we can go somewhere special. Picking isn’t really important to me.

Austin: We’re going out this weekend. I didn’t think about taking your birthday DAY off. I wish I would have taken the day off. I’m sorry about that. 

Me: It’s also our anniversary. Our TEN year anniversary.

Austin: We’re going out this weekend.

Me: You invited your friends. To our TEN year anniversary.

Austin: I asked your permission.

Me: I wanted you to be happy, because I’m too boring to spend the day with. You need your friends to make the day worthwhile.

Austin: You like X and Y too.

Me: That’s up there with the time Mom wanted to share a hotel room for our honeymoon.

Poltergeist

 Please keep in mind we’ve been watching, “Ghosts” recently.

Me, trepidatiously: I know you didn’t do this, but I’m wondering if you know about it. The butter dish in the kitchen was flipped over and the block of butter was sitting on top of the microwave.

Austin, enthusiastically: I know exactly what happened. The rice container fell off the top of the refrigerator and it landed upside down. Since it was upside down, I put my hand on the lid and turned it right-side up, so I only lost probably a cup of rice. I was too busy with the rice, but it probably hit the butter dish on the way down.

Me: Oh. That’s good. I left a pad of paper and a pencil on the counter and called out to Mom that if she could arrange our butter that way, she could write a message.

Austin: No, we’re not leaving out pads of paper for your mother. She can leave messages on mirrors just like every other ghost.

Dumb Computers

 My laptop uses fingerprints to unlock it, much the way my iPad does.

Laptop: The fingerprint you used does not match the print on file. Please use a different finger.

Me, telling this to Austin: You can guess which finger I used, right?