New Year's Eve Plans

Austin: We’re invited to a party New Year’s Eve. And Loni said if I have to work in the morning, we can stay over. They have a guest bed.
Me: Make sure they know we’re loud in bed.
Austin: They know.

Riverdale

Watching Riverdale, a sex scene between a couple of the “teenagers”.
Me: High school wasn’t like this when I was sixteen.
Austin: Yeah, me neither. 

Crossing Fingers

Me: Surgery is coming up. I can’t wait to never have a period again.
Austin: I can’t wait to have sex without a condom.
Me: How do you like not having sex for three months?
Austin: I don’t really like that part.

Dinner

Wednesday, Me: I think I’ll make chicken snow peas on Friday.

Austin: Okay.

Thursday, Austin: Megen’s birthday is tomorrow, so I’m going to go over there in the evening. It’s supposed to be drinks and food. I’m not really sure what that means, but we might want to hold off on chicken snow peas until Saturday.

Me: Sure.

Also me, getting chicken breast out of freezer and moving it to the fridge to thaw.

Austin: What are you doing?

Me: I know you.

Later, Thursday.

Me: If you’re going to go to Megen’s for her birthday, I’ll call Mom and see if she wants to go to lunch tomorrow. Then I’ll just do something light for dinner.

Austin: I’m going to come home tomorrow. The get-together is going to be later. I’ll be home for dinner.

Me: This is why I pulled the chicken out of the freezer.

Tale of Tales

Austin was watching Tale of Tales on Netflix. I came in during the part where the girl is running away from her husband. The guy falls into a ravine, survives, then chases down a family of gypsies and finally rejoins his wife, the girl, and she slits his throat.
Me: Why did she do that?
Austin: Her father married her off to an ogre.
Me: Was he mean to her?
Austin: No. He took care of her, all that.
Me: Then why did she do that?
Austin: Because he’s an ogre.
Me: So?
Austin: She’s a princess.
Me: So?
Austin: He’s an ogre.
Me: Yeah.
Austin: She’s a princess. A princess can’t be married to an ogre.
Me: They must not have heard about Shrek.

That Time Again

So time for my surgery is rolling around again. My fingers are crossed. I was mentioning to family members and discussing the hospital for the procedure. My sister-in-law started gushing.

SIL: I love that hospital! Their cafe is the best! I love their salad selections. After work, on my way home the other day, I was in the mood for a salad. So I decided to stop past the hospital and get one. They've got broccoli and cucumber, arugula. You can pile your plate full and you only pay $3.50.

Her husband: Oh yeah, I love that place. SIL and I stop in all the time for the salad.

Austin: Oh my god! Rachel, I might have a new dining destination for my birthday!

Merry Christmas Bonus!!!!

Playing Word Cookies.
Me: Fug is a word, but Flu is not.
Austin: Really?
Me: I don’t what fug means.
Austin: Bah, humfug.

Merry Christmas

Me, to a friend when I saw this meme: So basically, the heart moves Christmas into the blood stream, it is cleaned out as waste and is farted out of the body. Excellent Christmas quote.

Austin, when he saw this meme: It's Christmas in the farts, not the hearts, that puts Christmas in the air.

It's like we're soulmates.

The Long Ones

I was checking out the Christmas decorations at a restaurant my husband & I like to frequent. I pointed out the ornaments on the chandelier. 

Me: Very pretty. But I think the long one with balls look funny.
Austin: Long ones with balls always look funny.
*Rolls eyes*

Snow

So one of my friends was complaining about snow and referenced the meme:

Me: I actually like snow. I like a little fluff on the ground.

My friends start snickering.

Me: Yes, I'm thinking it too. I like the fluff I married too.

129 Ways to Find a Husband

So I was reading this article under George Takei’s profile, 129 Ways for a Woman to Get a Man from magazine in 1958.
Me: This thing says to read the obituaries to locate eligible widowers.
Austin snickers.
Me: They’re obsessed with widowers. This one says, “Go to all high school and college reunions. You never know where you might find a widower.”
A few minutes later.
Me: I don’t even get this one. “Carry a hatbox.”
Austin: That’s hot. I love me a woman carrying a hatbox.[pause] Mmmm, yeah, a hatbox. Women with hatboxes are sexy. Turns me on just thinking about what's in that hatbox.
Me: “Rent a billboard and put your name and phone number on it.”
Austin: What! That’s crazy. Yes, single women living alone, get a billboard and advertise.
Me: This one says, “Stand on a street corner with a lasso.”
Austin: What?
Me: That’s what it says.
Austin: Oh no, Rachel. What will I do? What if I get caught up in a lasso and another woman drags me away?

129 Ways to Get a Husband 

Do Not Open Till Christmas

An Amazon package arrived today addressed to Austin.
Me: I know what this is (my Christmas gift).
Austin: Christmas gifts are only for good girls.
Me: I'm good.
Austin: What I should do is put a note, "Do Not Open Till Christmas" and put it on your bed just to torture you.
Me: You do that anyway.

Gold Plated Wha?

After Austin and I had our "no, don't get me jewelry, give me cash" discussion, I found an article on the internet.
Me: Oh my god! Look at this, a gold-plated dildo. $15,000. Who needs that? No one needs that. That's absurd.

The article sited Gwyneth Paltrow.

Austin: I guess Gwyneth Paltrow needs that.

Me: For the person who has everything.

Austin: Would you rather have a gold-plated dildo for $15,000 or a ring for $15,000?
Me: Neither. Give me the cash.
Austin: Nope, you have to choose one or the other.
Me, deer in headlights.
Austin: Come on. Which would you pick?
Me, still overwhelmed by the choice.
Austin: What?
Me: I'm trying to decide which would have the best resale value. And I'm depressed to say I don't think either would retain their value.

Limerence

Austin was making fun of a jewelry commercial saying the diamonds show how much you love your female partner. I was giggling.
Austin: Stop it. I know about love. Adam Ruins Everything taught me that you and I have a long-term relationship that is based on trust and understanding.
Me: We’re past the limerence stage. We’re in the been married and bored slump stage of our relationship.
Austin: Look, if you want an expensive rock to show that I love you—
Me: Nah, just give me the cash. 

From Wikipedia:

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

My Nephew has a Girlfriend!

My nephew has a new girlfriend. They met through church and both are very religious. Um, I don't have this in common with my sister and her family. Anyway, I went to Facebook to check her out. And found this. Her FB banner and profile pic [for the protection of the innocent, I've substituted Daria].

Me: Do you think we should tell her?
Austin: No. Only heretics like us would notice anyway.

Pie in the Face

Austin made another quiche, which turned out marvelously.
Austin: Remember to call your mom and have her come up to get some. But you’re only allowed to give it to her if you give it to her like this.
He made the classic pie in the face move.

Husband for Sale

Austin gave me an early Christmas gift. 

It's a kettle corn pot. 

So I can use it to make kettle corn for his friends for Christmas. 

Christmas Job

I've been working ten hour days for six days straight. Austin had dinner ready for me when I got home. It was wonderful and delicious. I crashed on his bed and Austin took the plate to the kitchen for me. I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for my husband.

Me: Is there anything I can do to show you how much I love you that won't require me to move?

Dinner Quiche

Once upon a time, I quit my job and decided to renovate my house. Since I've only been working a real job sporadically this year, I've been taking care of the cooking and cleaning. Every night, I've had dinner ready by 5:30 p.m. I picked up a temp job for the holidays where I'm standing all day and have been working ten hour days the past couple of days. Yesterday, I left the house at 5:30 a.m. and arrived home just after 6:00 p.m. And like most Christmas jobs, the place has so much staff and not enough facility to hold them, so I don't usually get to sit down during my break. Austin told me on Monday, he was going to make a quiche on Thursday.

When I came in, Austin: Sorry, the quiche is taking longer than I thought.

He's massaging the pie crust into the pie plate.

Disappointed, hungry and beyond tired... but I pull out some celery and tear off a rib. I start dipping it into peanut butter and munching it.

Austin: Let me see that.

So I hand it over. And he cuts it in half and eats it. Mind you, he doesn't "like" peanut butter. Or celery.

Me: So, not only is dinner not ready, you're stealing my food?

Pause.

Me: If I could lift my arms, I'd beat you with a broom.

Birthday Wishes

Me: I have to remember to send Deb birthday wishes on Sunday.
Austin: You should set your iPad to remind you.
Me: Nah. I’ll just remember it.
Austin: I love the reminders function on my iPad. I use it to remind me of all kinds of things.
Me: It’s fine.
Austin: Hey Siri, remind me of Deb’s birthday on Sunday.
Siri: I will remind you of dead’s birthday on Sunday.
Me: She’s not that old.

Cut

Austin cut his hand while making garlic bread. The cut looks very much like a bite mark.

Austin: If anyone asks, just tell them I had to give you the backside of my hand and I caught your teeth.

Sit Your A$$

Friend X: Sit your ass down.

Me, throwing an arm around Austin's shoulder: He's already got a seat.

Death Planet

So Austin has returned to watching Star Trek: Voyager. We just finished watching the episode Innocence.

Me: Voyager has a lot of these episodes. Where people die and they're sent to the dying planet to die.

Austin: What are you talking about?

Me: We just had a death planet episode. This is Emanations all over again. Very convenient, these aliens know when their elderly are dying. Oops, your time is coming, time to send you to the death planet to die.

Austin: Even more convenient, their bodies disintegrate into nothing. Only leaves their clothes. Makes it very hard to prove murder.

Voltron

Austin and I were watching Voltron on Netflix. When Lotor was first introduced, I thought he was evil. Austin: No, he's not evil. He's a good guy.

Me: But he's the bad guy's son. He's evil.

Austin: Everything he's done has been good. He's a good guy.

I don't watch the show religiously, but occasional peeks while Austin is watching.

The next episode I linger on, Lotor and Princess Allura are kind of getting friendly.

Me: That proves it. He's evil.

Austin: He's not evil.

Me: Allura can't be in love with Lotor. She just saved Lance's life and all kinds of hints that she's in love with Lance too. (Lance has been in love with Allura from episode one.) Allura has to end up with Lance. Clearly Lotor interferes with this. He's a bad guy.

Austin rolled his eyes at me.

The finale: Lotor is a bad guy. He fooled everyone.

And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.

More Adult Time

Austin's Playstation has been overheating, so instead of Netflix, he brought up a noise app on his iPad. He played Tibetan choir, osmosis (humming), unreal ocean, cave chimes, white rain (as opposed to Purple Rain). He uses this for Dungeons and Dragons, so in addition to Irish coast and rain on a tent, he also has sounds like oblivion, dark forest and distant thunder.

Austin: What do you want to have in the background while we're making love.

Me: You're expecting a blow job, so let's go with RPG dungeon noises.

Adult Time

Austin and I were getting ready to have some adult time. Austin put on Netflix and was searching for the fireplace program.

Me: Stop right there. Series of Unfortunate Events would be perfect background noise for us during sex.

Couples App

Austin: I found this couples app that allows you to list tasks, divide them up and assign them to you or your partner.
Me, thinking relationship building tasks. To make the relationship stronger and better.
Austin: Wash dishes, you. Take out the trash, you.
Me, rolls eyes.
Austin: We just need to get you an iPhone so I can start assigning tasks to you.
Me: Sounds like a divorce app to me.

Shipped

Me: Your Christmas present has shipped.
Austin: You got me ship for Christmas?
Me: I got you a lot of ship for Christmas.

Christmas Surfing

Doing a web search for possible gifts for Austin.
Typed in: Gifts for
Computer auto-populated: Men.
Me: No.
And I continue to enter my original parameters.

Goldfish

Additionally, while wrapping gifts for our Secret Santa exchange this year, I found a bag of Goldfish Crackers I meant to given Austin for Christmas last year. Best by 2/17/17. Whoops.

Ooopsssss

It has just occurred to me that all I have for Austin for Christmas is light saber chopsticks and I have no clue what else to get him. #^&*@ I'm wondering if I can tell him I've over-purchased for him for years and buy him nothing this year . . .

Christmas on Ebay

My sister-in-law is an alcoholic. As bad as it is to support someone's addiction, we're also practical and usually get her alcohol for Christmas. Well, she was recently put in the hospital for several days to detox. And she's had her third DUI. So no alcohol.

Me: We could get her those cat chopstick holders I liked on Ebay. If they don't come in time for Christmas, I'll just keep them and we'll figure out something else last minute.

Austin: What do you mean?

Me: They come from China. It takes three weeks for delivery. It's probably too late to get them for her.

Austin: &*(#% That's what I was going to get you for Christmas.

Surgery Cancelled Continued

It's a good thing I'm in good health, because this medical &^%# is killing me. I sobbed for 1/2 an hour today on Austin’s shoulder. After I calmed down.

Austin: You’re right. You’re very good at fake crying.

After a half hour of copious tears and getting snot all over him, I was insulted by this observation.

Austin: I'm just saying. A week ago or so ago, you were fake crying and I blew you off. I’m pretty good at knowing when you’re faking or when you’re sincere. Next time you’re faking, I’m going to do a double take. Just to be sure.

Surgery Cancelled

Me via text: My surgery was just cancelled. I feel like crumpling into a ball of tears. I wish you were here so I could hug you. I love you so much and appreciate your support.

Austin's text re work: I love you and appreciate all of your support two [he dictates to Siri. I get these errors all the time]. I also need a hug desperately. Got into another argument this morning with my manager, and then he told me to go talk to his manager about it, so I did that and had a heated discussion with him also. Now I just feel like I'm shaking and grinding my teeth down to the bone.

A minute later, Austin: Plastic, whatever.

The Big Day

Today is the Big Day!!!! It's Emun Elliott's Birthday!!!

Wine is for . . .

Me: I was going to open a bottle of exotic pop, but I guess I won't.
Austin: We can still open the pop.
Me: But you've already got cranberry juice and wine.
Austin: Wine is for sipping.
Me, the look.
Austin: You're looking at me like I'm crazy.
Me: You are crazy.

Partner Up

Austin: X at work was talking about how she’s finally settled and she’s looking to partner up. You know, she’s got the apartment, the job, she’s on top of her bills. She feels like she’s ready to have a relationship.
Me: Uh-huh.
Austin: I remember feeling like that, about eight years ago, having the stable job, paying bills, had my apartment.
Me: Eight years ago?
Austin: Nine or ten.
Me: Try again.
Austin: Eleven?
Me: Eleven and a half, but I'll take it.
Austin: And really, I was just sad and alone and wanted to be in a relationship.
Me: And then I came along.

Hit the Bathroom

Austin: I’m going to hit the bathroom before we leave.
Me: What did that bathroom ever do to you?

Gifts

Yesterday, I got Austin a pigs & taters bar *his favorite* and he ignored it. Today I got Austin a packet of 6 glow rings (Halloween clearance). And he just tossed them aside.
Me: I’m gonna stop buying you things.
Austin: You say that a lot.
Me: One day I’m going to mean it.

A Walk

Me: I’m going to go for a walk.
Austin: If you give me two shakes, I’ll join you.
So I wiggled my rear twice.

Scents

My favorite scented oil merchant is closed for the next two weeks due to illness. I had a little tantrum over it. But Austin didn't care.
Austin: I don't really need any scents.
Me: I beg to differ. You desperately need sense.

Recycling

Austin told me he had a lot of recycling and asked if he could take it with us and dump it at the recycling center on our way out. So I said sure. He comes down the steps with four bags of recycling!

Me: Good lord, that's a lot of recycling.

Austin: Yes. Except for the good lord part. The good lord isn't recyclable.

Visit the Deli

I wanted to stop past the local deli and pick up some chicken.

Me: It's been close to two weeks. If I don't stop, they'll forget what I look like.

Austin: They might forget how you look, but not how you sound.

Austin made a squawking noise. I punched him.

Parmesan Chicken

Austin ate out at Melts with his friends. While I stayed at home and enjoyed a quiet evening.

Me: I made Parmesan chicken. Turned out really nice and juicy. It wasn't like your Parmesan chicken.

Austin gives me a look.

Me: I used a different recipe.

Austin: Nice save.

Party Pain

Austin and I had a party to go to on Saturday and my fibroid pain was particularly bothersome, but we hadn't seen this particular set of friends in two years, so we agreed to make an appearance. I put on a brave face. As the evening wore on . . .

Friend X: Rachel, are you okay?

Me, snapping out of it.

Friend X: You look like you're in pain.

Me: Nah. He's just next to me [hugging Austin]. I bring him with me all the time.

Choir

Austin's friend has a choir performance and we were getting ready for it.

Austin: I support X's choir activities. I'm really proud of her for continuing to sing post-university. I should be against it because her choir practices are the same time as our dungeons and dragons get-togethers but I’m not.

Bowl Continued

Austin: You posted my bowl on Facebook?
Me: Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny. So did my friends.
Austin: You know, that's not the only bowl in my closet.
Me: I can't post that on Facebook.

Bowl

Me: Why do you have a bowl in your closet?

Austin: Because we're not doing anything with it.

Me, perplexed.

Austin: I figured since we're not using it, I can keep it in there.

Me: That's not the Goodwill closet [where we store things to donate to thrift stores].

Austin: I know.

Me: So why do you have it there again?

Austin: Do you want me to keep it somewhere else?

Me: Well, generally, we keep bowls in the kitchen. But if you want to keep it there, you're right. We have plenty. We don't need it.

 

 

Adam Ruins Death

Austin and I have been watching Adam Ruins Everything. We just watched the death episode. And, well, there's less than a one percent chance that surgery could kill me, but . . .

Me, going over to Austin and sitting down next to him: When I die, I don't want a funeral or anything. Just cremate me. I mean, if I die young, maybe have a wake here [at home].

Austin: I was planning on pretending you were alive several weeks after your death to throw off suspicion. I was going to take your face, wear it like a death mask. Sound like you [squawking noise-I hit him].

Me: You'll have to learn how to use Facebook.

Austin: Yeah, that'll suck. But I'll do it. Now, for my tomb, I want gold. Solid gold, not plated. And I want Indiana Jones level booby traps.

Vinegar and Molasses

So, I have fibroids and two of them are the size of grapefruit. My uterus is consistent with the size of a woman pregnant 25 wks. I've been calling the pair the twins. I've had an ultrasound, an MRI, an endometrial biopsy . . .

Me: Oh my god! Bubby, look! Vinegar and Molasses cures fibroids! What was I thinking? I could have saved thousands of dollars.
Austin: Call the doctor!
Me: Cancel my surgery at the end of the month.

Chorizo

Chorizo was the freebie at Kroger, so Austin and I were making plans for how we were going to handle the ingredient for dinner.

Austin: I think tacos or tortilla are the obvious ones.

Me: I'd rather do tacos.

Austin: I think tacos too. I mean, you can only do one thing with tortillas.

Me: That sounded suggestive.

Austin: What?

Me: You can only do one thing with tortillas.

Austin: Like what? You mean [making a jerk-off gesture with his hand].

Me: You're the one that said it suggestively.

Austin: Ooo, yeah! That's why the guys at our favorite Mexican restaurant are so happy all the time. 'Hey guys, tortillas are ready! Ole!'

Christmas Gifts . . ,

So, Austin was running some Christmas gift ideas by me. This year, he wants to do homemade Christmas gifts.

Austin: We make detergent and fabric softener at home ourselves all the time. I was thinking we could make that for Christmas gifts this year. Dress it up a little, add fragrances. Some of our friends and family would really appreciate that.

Me: Don't ever get me detergent or fabric softener for Christmas.

Austin: Well, I know who isn't getting anything for Christmas this year.

Inversion Table

Austin: WOW! They have an inversion table for only $80!
Me: If I can use it as a torture device, I'll consider it.

Eraser

Me, showing off a purchase I’d made several years ago: I forgot about this. Ain’t it cute?
Austin: Waste of money.
Me: Nineteen cents.
Austin: And space.
Me: I’ve had the solution all along. I’ve been begging people to take you off my hands for years and here I could have gotten rid of you ages ago. [Rubbing it at him] Erase you.

Later:

I was making quinoa and had timer set on the microwave. Austin came in, decided to make an organic quinoa bowl frozen dinner, reset the microwave and put the bowl in the microwave. I snatched up the eraser and scrubbed it over him.

The Cat and the Pitcher

Me: I just put that stuffed cat there to get it out of the way, but now I kind of like it, peeking around the pitcher, cute little eyes, sparkly puffballs. It's a bluish gray so it matches.
Austin: I'd like it better without the puffballs.
Me, frowning.
Austin: They look like fuzzy, sparkly testicles on his face.
AND, eye roll.

Matching Underwear

Austin: Oh my gosh! They’re a matching set. The one has a sperm design. And look at them, they’re standing outside. I hope their socks match too. Who would take that photo and think they’re going to sell those? Do you want those? Wouldn’t you like to be like those guys? No!

Fuzzy, Sparkly

Me: I just put it there to get it out of the way, but now I kind of like it.

Austin: I'd like it better without the puffballs.

Me, frowning.

Austin: They look like fuzzy, sparkly testicles on his face.

AND, eye roll.

Star Wars

A month or so ago Austin announced this.

Austin: The new Star Wars is on Netflix.
Me, blank stare.
Austin: Episode Eight.
Still blank.
Austin: It’s OK, it’s the one we just saw.
I glance at the screen to see what he’s talking about.
Me: Oh. I thought you were talking about Star Trek. I get those two confused sometimes.
Austin: And yet I still love you.

Wedding

Me: X couldn’t make it to his sister’s wedding because he had plans, but it was a second wedding. Very low key. Sort of like me and Austin’s.
Mom: We didn’t think you and Austin were going to get married.
Me: It was touch and go for a while.
Mom: It’s still touch and go.

Paint

Austin & I officially bought the paint for the kitchen.
Austin: Don’t forget to charge me half for the paint.
Me: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. In fact, I’ll charge you an arm and a leg for it.
Austin: Don’t charge me too much. I only have two of each. Besides, I pay for being in this marriage anyway.

Chicken Breast

Me, as we’re driving past our favorite meat market: $1.49 a pound for chicken breast.
Austin: It’s probably bone-in chicken breast.
Me: We’ll stop on our way home and see.
Austin, who was driving: Maybe we will and maybe we won’t.
Me: We’re stopping on our way home.
Austin: Well, okay, just remember to tuck and roll after you open your door.

Rare Form

I was telling Mom some of the stuff Austin has been saying lately.
Mom: He's in rare form.
Me: He's always in rare form.

Going Out

We were going to all go out together, but we weren't sure when we would be ready. So as we were walking out the door, I called Mom.

Me: We're ready. We're coming to get you.

Mom: That sounds ominous.

Dog Out

Austin: I let the dog out.
Me: I’m going to have to motivate myself to get up and get dressed soon. I need to take a walk and it’s supposed to rain and I want to do that before it's too late.
Austin: Well, if you do, look for the dog. I didn’t tie her up, I just let her out.

Sunshine

Austin: You are my sunshine.
Me: It is a dark place where you live.

Who's Dying

Me: Austin & I were discussing who was going to die first and he said he was and I said, "Oh no honey, I'm going first."
Mom: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Me: I'm not taking care of everything when he dies. I already deal with enough of his crap.
Mom: Well, if he dies first, you can always get him a deer costume and toss him by the side of the road.

Two-fitty

I discovered yesterday I’d lost five pounds. I promptly celebrated by going to lunch, eating lots of candy, then today having a heavy cheesy lunch and ice cream.
Austin: Yeah, I had ice cream too.
Me: I finished off the last of the hot fudge sauce.
Austin: That’s probably a good thing.
Me: You’re not my husband.
Austin: No, I’m not. I ate him.
Me: Oh, how much do I owe you for that?
Austin: Two-fitty. (A joke from South Park.)
Me: Okay. I gave you fifty cents from eBay sale, so that’s sitting on your desk. And I’ll go downstairs and get you the two bucks later.
Austin: Not two dollars and fifty cents. Two hundred and fifty dollars.
Me: Well, never mind then.

Big Face

Me: What are you doing?
Austin: Washing my face.
Me: Really? That’s all.
Austin: Why?
Me: You’ve been at it for a while.
Austin: I have a big face.
Me: You have a big &*^#.

Cupcakes for Work

Austin, grumping about buying cupcakes for work: [Long involved story about buying cupcakes.] Even worse, I told Siri to get me back to work, and apparently she thought I still work at JCP – so I got almost to Brice Road before I turned around – what should have taken my hour lunch took 90 minutes, so I will have to work through part of my lunch another day to make the time up…grumble… but I gave Siri a piece of my mind.

Me: Don't give her too much. You can't do without it.

Killing Me

Me: My hip has been killing me all day.
Austin: It hasn’t been doing a very good job, because you’re still alive.

Bathroom

Austin was taking a shower. I peeked my head into the bathroom.
Me: I’m gonna pee.
Austin: Do it in the toilet.
Me: You’re no fun.

Cheese Tray

Austin was talking about making a cheese tray for his get-together tomorrow. He was listing a bunch of items to put on it.
Austin: I don’t want to go too crazy.
And I laughed and laughed.

Mira on the Hollow

Me: What are you watching?
Austin, ignoring me.
I think I recognize the voice of Mira, so I look up MLP, then Ashleigh Ball, the voice of Rainbow Dash. Sure enough, she’s got a credit for Mira, the Hollow.
Me: Is that the Hollow?
Austin, looking at me like I’m crazy.
Me: It’s Rainbow Dash. So I looked it up. I like being right.
Austin: You don’t have to tell me that.

Chocolate

I was starting to wonder what was taking Austin so long. I was about to go downstairs when I heard Austin’s footsteps trudging back to me.
Me: And still you didn’t bring chocolate.
Austin: I don’t think I need chocolate today. So I was going to let you decide if we needed any chocolate.
Me: And you thought my answer would be no?

Austin Bragging

Austin was bragging at work that I was redoing the kitchen and that I make dinner for him every night, etc.
Austin’s boss: Must be nice to come home every night to a home cooked meal, everything taken care of.
Austin: I don’t go home. I just FaceTime her from my mistress’s house.

Netflix

Austin, pointing at Thor: Ragnarok on Netflix: I just watched that on the plane. Now it’s on Netflix.
Me: I would have told you that, but since you’ve been telling me everything on Netflix gets e-mailed to you, I decided not to.
Austin: So you forgot.

Cleaning House

As I’m pulling the border down and scraping paint, Austin mentions that everything on this shelf can go.
Me: The church is having a rummage sale this weekend. We can put it in there.
I hugged Austin.
Austin: And when you can’t easily strangle me, I’ll mention . . .
So I stop hugging him.
Austin: All the stuff on the walls.
All my cat stuff.
Austin: All that can go too.
A wise man to recognize the suggestion would get him killed.

Pizza

We’re having pizza for dinner.
Austin: Is that enough cheese?
Me: I like it when the pizza looks like a blizzard hit, so I can imagine yetis crawling through the hills.
Austin, adding more: There, yetis to your heart’s delight.

iPod

Austin: I’m so jealous of your iPod. It’s so cute and thin.
Me: That makes me jealous of my iPod.
Austin: Why?
Me: Cute and thin.

Accidents in the Yard

Me: I had to come in and hug you one more time before going out to work in the yard. I had a vision of me having an accident with the hedge trimmer, of it cutting my jugular, and dying in the yard. So I needed one more hug.
Austin: Don’t have that kind of accident in the yard. And don’t have any accidents in here.
Me, indicating Austin: There’s already too much accident in here.
Austin: Definitely don’t have that kind of accident in the yard.

Headlights

It was sprinkling on our way home from grocery shopping. Every few seconds, Austin would flip his windshield wipers.
Me: Are your headlights on?
Austin: No.
Me: If your wipers are on, your headlights should be on.
Austin: There aren’t any cops around. It’s barely raining.
The clouds open up and start dumping rain on us.
Austin, flipping on the headlights: God’s on your side.
Me: That’s right.

Chronic Pain

There was a commercial on the radio about chronic pain, that opiates weren’t the answer, that they lead to heroin abuse. The commercial suggested seeking physical therapy to end chronic pain.
Austin: I was told divorce was the answer.
Me: Mm-hmm.
Austin: I said, no way, Jose...Because the person who told me was Jose. Now I’m not friends with Jose.

Cut

Austin: I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Me: I'm gonna cut you.

The P Word

Me: I'm feeling a bit peckish. How about you?
Austin, prodding me in the arm: Nah. I'm feeling a bit pokish.

After Ren Fest

At McDonald’s, the syrup was being changed on Cherry Coke, so we elected to wait until it was done for the drinks. It was after Ren Fest and instead of pulling into the first drive-thru waiting space, I pulled into the second one.
Austin: The parking space was right there.
Me: This one is also a drive-thru space.
Austin: Oh. Well, we want you to be comfortable.
Me, tugging the laces of my Ren Fest dress, feeling a bit compressed after seven hours in the thing: Actually, I’m pretty uncomfortable right now.
Austin: I thought that was how you made others feel.

Kilt

Going to Ren Fest. As always, Austin was wearing his kilt.
Mom: What have you got under there?
Austin: Nothing. I’m going all authentic.
Mom: We don’t want that at Ren Fest.
Austin: No one will be disappointed.
Me: I will.
Austin: I’m joking. I’m too modest.
Me: No, you’re not.

Ren Fest

Austin, to my mom: I’m not sure how to get there [to Ren Fest]. You’ll have to tell me.
Me: Don’t open that door for Mom. She’d love to tell you what to do. If you’re going to open a door, push her out.

Shovelling

Me: I know it's going to melt, but I shoveled our sidewalk.
Austin: I think you should look up the liability laws. In some states, you don't actually have to shovel the walk, just so long as you make some kind of efforts. Like for the elderly. Like I could just shuffle around, just so long as I made some kind of effort. I think I might just pee in the snow, you know, write my name with the pee.

Austin's Sick

Austin has been sick for three days. :(
Austin: I feel okay today, I just have a horrible headache and I keep getting these hot flashes.
Me: That's menopause.

Green Glass

Austin: Don’t throw out the stuff in the glass in the kitchen.
Me: Why?
Austin: I can’t tell you.
Me, lift an eyebrow at of him.
Austin: It’s a top secret government experiment. That’s all I can say. Otherwise, I’ll be putting your life in danger.

Key & Heart

Austin: Well, you had the heart hanging there. It just seemed right to hang the key there too. Because you hold the key to my heart.
Me: Ahhhhh!!!!
Mom: Bleck.

Ren Fest 2017

While looking at old photos, my aunt found one of Austin from the Ren Fest 2017.

My Aunt: What a man.
Me: That's what I think all the time. Usually with my palm over my face.

Dark Souls

Austin’s playing Dark Souls and his character is wearing the mask of the child. I compared it to a Greek mask.
Austin: I’m a Greek samurai.
Me: You’re a Greek tragedy.

College Football

Austin was looking up info on college football for Mom. She yanked the iPad out of his hands, started reading the article herself.

Me: You're not getting that back.

Austin: Oh yes I am. Your mom might be a black belt, but I'm a fifth degree in dirty fighting.

Wise

Austin: My manager thinks I should write an autobiography because I’m so wise.
Me, laughing uncontrollably.
Austin: It’s because I know what a merkin is.
You don’t want to know what this is.
Then he told me how impressed they were that he had so much knowledge of underwear.
Austin: It’s because guys try to search for banana hammocks. They’re call string bikini thongs for men.
Me, shaking my head.
Austin: Look, my boss called me wise. You can’t take that away from me.
Me: A wise *&^# maybe.

Dishes

Yesterday, Me: How are you going to make my dreams come true today?
Austin: I’m going to wash dishes.
Me: Really?
I was very happy, since I thought it was my turn.
Today, dishes still not washed. I was bored, so I washed them. Austin came in as I was washing and hugged me.
After, I went upstairs.
Austin: You’re amazing.
Me: I know. The mystery is why I still put up with you.

Cooking Class

Austin: I’m so excited. We’re going to have a cooking class.

Me: Two.

Austin: We’re going to be so awesome after this.

Me: We’ll be able to take on those chefs on Cutthroat Kitchen.

Opinion

So I asked Austin how he liked some of the grooming I’d done.
Austin: It’s nice.
Me: Good. Because I don’t think it’s going to get any better than that.
Austin: I don’t know why you ask me if you’re not going to listen to my opinion.
Me: It’s what women do.

Creeps

Austin was staring at me. So I glanced up at him, expecting him to tell me why he was staring. But he just kept staring. Another minute went by.
Austin, finally: I’m giving you just the slightest hint of a smile.
Me: You’re giving me the creeps.

It Sucks To Be Me

Austin was singing, "It sucks to be me" from Avenue Q.

Me: It doesn't suck to be you. You've got it pretty good.

Austin: I'm balding.

Me: No, you're not.

Austin: My forehead's getting bigger. My brain isn't.

Me: You've got me there.

Layers

Austin was talking about an app, Procreate, that's an artist app.

Austin: X said to work in layers.

Me: That’s what they say about offices with air conditioning.

Austin: You’re funny, kind of.

Me: You’re definitely funny. In the wrong way.

Driving

Austin, Mom and I were on our way home after lunch. We got stuck behind this old car that was going 5-10 miles below the speed limit. The car was weaving and a guy in the backseat had his arm hanging out the window and we were making several comments about it.
Austin: You can tell that the driver is an old guy and you can see his handicap sticker hanging from the mirror. He needs to stop turning his head to talk to the old lady sitting next to him in the passenger seat.
Me, from the passenger seat in our car: Careful, Austin. One day that will be you. You’ll be driving and I’ll be the old lady yapping at you. You know how I yap. Wait until I’m that lady’s age. That guy doesn’t have any choice.
Austin: I don’t need to turn my head and weave all over the road. I can reach across the passenger seat, open the door, push you out and keep my eyes on the road. All at the same time.

My &(#

I was working in the yard and didn’t get much done, but some weeds had grown up the side of the house and I had to go up and down the ladder a lot to pull them out.
Me: Damn, my *&#^ hurts.
Austin: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

SMH.

Blatantly Lie

Austin: I love you. You're so beautiful.

Me: I never trust you when you blatantly lie to me like that.

Breakfast for Dinner

Austin & I decided to have breakfast for dinner.
Austin: I don’t think I want hash browns anymore. I think that would be too much food. And I want sand dollar pancakes. I want my eggs over easy.
Me: I’ve never made eggs over easy.
Austin: Sunny side up is fine. I just like the yolks runny.
Me: Do you want two pieces of bacon?
Austin: I want THREE pieces of bacon.

Internet

Me: I'm going to turn off the internet unless you have a good reason for me to leave it on.

Austin: No. I have dark and sinister reasons for you to leave it on.

Password

Me, after work: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm sick of typing Emun Elliott's name.

Austin: Why?

Me: I made him my password at work.

The following day, Me: I changed my password.

Because I haven't posted a pic in a while.

Juicy Orange

Me: You got a package from Juicy Orange. I've been wondering all day what you bought from Juicy Orange.

Austin: Well, I'm not going to open it now. It might be something I got for you.

Me, peeling from the room: Fine.

Austin: Just kidding. I didn't get you anything.

So I punched him in the arm.

Austin: You don't deserve it.

So I punched him again.

Choir Concert

Austin & I had a choir concert to go to yesterday. We needed to leave at 1:45 to be on time. So at 1:43, I went to get Austin up. I sat on the bed, checked the time. 1:47.

Austin: I'm trying to get up.

Me: You're failing miserably.

Patience

Austin and I had a "fight" over patience. He said I wasn't patient. I said I was. Keep in mind we were laughing the whole time. So I got the dictionary and looked up patience, four definitions:
1. The quality or habit of enduring without complaint. Austin felt the need to point out without complaint. OK, so I complain about everything.
2. The exercise of sustained endurance and perseverance. I'm definitely that one.
3. Forbearance toward the faults or infirmities of others. I laughed out loud when I read that one. So that's a nope.
4. Tranquil waiting or expectation. So yeah. Austin said, that's pretty much the first one . . .

So two yes & two no. We called it a tie.

Salad

Austin pulled out lettuce, bacon bits and cheese.

Me: A salad sounds good to me too.

Austin: In general, I find salads don't sound like anything at all, because they don't talk.

&*(#^

Austin was giving me grief about this TV show.

Me: Why are you being such an *(#^? Never mind, forget I asked.

Chestnuts

I've been eating chestnuts and have ruined my nails cracking the bad boys open, so I was looking for articles on how to make peeling chestnuts easier.

Me, panicked: Oh my gosh! This article says you can't eat chestnuts raw. They're poisonous. They have to be cooked.

Austin: So?

Me: I've been doing it wrong for forty-three years!

Austin: Don't be so hard on yourself. You haven't eaten chestnuts your whole life. You probably started eating them when you for five or six. So that's only thirty-five years.

Wood Glue

Austin: I have six more packs of tofu to eat. I didn't like the last one. I'm afraid I won't like the other ones either.

Me: Don't worry. They probably taste like paste.

Austin: Well, that's fine. But what if they taste more like rubber cement? Eau d'Elmer's? That one has a definite scent of wood glue.

Control

Austin: I'm giving you control of my phone.

Hands over his iPhone.

Austin: Because I trust you.

Me: I thought it was because I control everything else.

Tofu

Austin was eating some tofu.
Austin: You want to try this? It tastes like paste.

Reception

Austin: It’s going to get up to 88 degrees today. That means the reception is going to be topless.
Austin then struts his tubby tummy and pasty white chest for me.
Austin: Informal reception. Dress comfortably.
Me: I’ve still got a lot of work to do on that floor. I’ll have to call Chris and tell her I can’t make it to the reception.

It's Amazing!

This is one of those things that few of you will relate to. And yet, I can’t help but share. Austin got a D&D book, the Yawning Portal.
Austin: Look at that map! It’s amazing!
Me: Look at that map. Look. At. That. Map. It’s amazing!
Both of us: Look at that map. Look. At. That. Map. It’s amazing!

Austin & I will break into this song at any given time.

Hot

Austin’s room has air conditioning. The rest of the house doesn’t. I left, then came back.
Me: It’s pretty hot out there.
Austin: That’s because I’m so cool. I’m cold as ice. Ice, ice, baby.

Bat

We had a bat in the house last night. We lost track of her and went to bed.
Me: But we’ll be prepared this time. We’ll get her tonight.
Austin: That sounds so ominous. Are we gonna use torches and pitchforks? Paint symbols on the wall to cast off demons? Where’s Sam and Dean when you need them?

Said bat, released at 1:00.

Coats

We just moved the fridge so I can paint the corner.
Me: That will give me just enough time to do a coat tonight. Then I’ll do a coat in the morning.
Austin: I don’t know. It’s pretty hot. I think you should do a T-shirt.

Shower Curtain

I currently have cat shower curtains hanging as drapes in the pantry. Since Austin & I are updating the house, I automatically started browsing shower curtains again. I picked these.
Austin: You can't hang shower curtains like curtains. It makes us look like hippies.
I don't know how he could live here for six years and not tell me that having the cat shower curtains in the pantry make me a hippy.

Guanabana

Austin and I got this juice this week, guanabana mandarin. All week, I’ve had to listen to Austin singing, “Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo. Guanabana, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.”

TSA Flight Security

Have you flown lately? Well, yes, I flew to France. Prior to that, I hadn't been on a plane for three years. So I was brushing up on my luggage restrictions. Seriously, I don't even have to embellish this.

Good to know the TSA will let me bring my antlers.
Antlers

Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes

You may transport this item in carry-on or checked bags. For items you wish to carry on, you should check with the airline to ensure that the item will fit in the overhead bin or underneath the seat of the airplane.

Artificial Skeleton Bones

Carry On Bags: Yes
Checked Bags: Yes

And I can bring my skeleton bones!

Axes and Hatchets

Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes

And I can bring my axes and hatchets, but they can't be in my carry-on luggage.Murder will have to wait for the destination.

Bear Bangers

Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: No

I don't even know what bear bangers are, but you're not allowed to have them.

https://www.tsa.gov/.../security-screening/whatcanibring/all Seriously, just read this. It's hysterical.

https://outdoors.stackexchange.com/questions/8261/how-effective-are-pen-launcher-bear-bangers-compared-to-bearspray

France Trip

Whoops! I missed a couple of entries from our France adventure.

Mom and I were discussing our plans for France. We're eating at a couple of Michelan five star restaurants, which require appropriate attire. Mom and I were comparing the outfits we were going to wear.

Mom: I have two dresses, but I wasn't sure if I should take them both or just one and wear it twice.

Me: Take them both. It's a dress. It doesn't take up that much space.

Austin: I only have one dress, but I'm going to take it.

Me, face palm.

Mom: They say you should be comfortable on the plane. Yeah, wear the dress for the flight.

Austin: Oh no, I was going to wear my bathrobe and slippers on the plane.