Shower

Me: I’m gonna take a shower.
Austin: Where you gonna take it?
Me: Oh, I figured to the backyard. The neighbors haven’t seen me do anything exciting for a while.

Vacation Plans

Yellowstone Nation Park Has No Government or Jurisdiction

We're talking about travel plans for 2020, mostly the British Isles. I was reading a random article about odd facts. Yellowstone National Park has a spot where you can murder someone and get away with it, because they have no government, no jurisdiction. I looked it up, verified. It's true, you can murder someone at Yellowstone and get away with it because you can't be prosecuted.

Me: I know where I want to go on vacation.

If Mom Died

My mom couldn't get out of the car because it was locked.

Me: You just open the door.

Mom, before I can explain: I can't.

So Austin unlocks it.

She gets out, we pull away. I groan loudly.

Austin: You love your mom.

Me, grumbling: I know. I love her. To death.

Austin: Come on. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself if something happened to your mom.

I mumble an assent.

Austin: Well, you'd do a dance, then you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.

GPS App

Austin was talking about his GPS app and how great it is.

Austin: And for a few more dollars, I could have gotten a special voice. Of Rachel yelling at me. 'You missed the turn, dummy.'

British Isles

We’re planning a trip to the British Isles in late 2020.
Me: I know you’ve been busy, but Mom’s been asking which trip appeals most to you, the 10-day or the 14-day.
Austin: It doesn’t really matter to me.
Me: Well, the only real difference between the 10-day and the 14-day is—
Austin: Four days?

Spaghetti Sauce

Me: I think the spaghetti sauce turned out rather well.
Austin: I think you turned out rather well. No matter what your mom says.

More Pies

I sat on Austin’s lap and he hugged me.
Austin: Let’s skip Christmas this year.
Me: But I made pies.

Pie

Me: One pie down, one to go.
Austin: Looks nice.
Me: The other one’s in the oven. This one is a little over done, but I figure it will be fine.
Austin: It looks good to me.
Me: It’s supposed to jiggle in the middle. [Hugging Austin around the waist] Good thing we’ve got you to jiggle in the middle.

Bucket of Cement

I took a bucket of cement patch powder downstairs, mixed it up, prepared the hole in the wall so I could fill it. I wiped my cheek, got cement on myself. I trudged back up the steps, washed my hands, cleaned up the bucket. Austin wandered into the kitchen.

Me: I'm done fixing the hole in the basement.
Austin: I know. Turnip (our cat) had her foot stuck in it. Like a little kitty mafia, cement shoes, drop her into the river. 

Me: That's the Christmas spirit.

Cassie the Black-Coated Puppy

So I hear the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer from the kitchen and then I hear Austin sing something about mass-consumerism.
"Cassie with your coat so black, won't you help take Christmas back?"

Yes, I stole the image of Santa. Apparently the property of Getty Images.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

I don't watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., but Austin loves it. Apparently Coulson is dead and he’s been dead for a year. And Austin felt the need to explain this to me.
Austin: They just said it. They’re celebrating the one year anniversary of Coulson’s death.
Me: Wow. That’s exactly how I’d do it. So-and-so has been dead for a year. Let’s throw a party.
Austin: Woohoo! Let’s make a cake!
Me: I’ll have to make a note so I’ll remember to do that when you die.
Austin: You won’t need a note.

Chunky

 It's no secret that Austin was overweight as a child. He's very proud of himself for losing all that weight as a teenager. And though he has a paunch now, he's still basically tall and thin.

We were talking about peanut butter and I stated that I prefer creamy.

Austin: My mom likes things chunky.

Me: That's why your mom liked you best when you were little.

Austin: You bitch.

Vegan Bread

Watching Great British Bake-off, one of the bakers making a vegan loaf of bread.
Austin: Can vegans have yeast? I mean, technically, yeast is a bacteria.
Me: Vegans can eat whatever they want. They choose not to.

Household Chores

Time to Clean the House
Me: I just took out the compost. If I clean the toilets, are you going to be able to stay away from them?
Austin: Sure.
A moment later.
Austin: For how long?
Me: An hour.
Austin: It’s a good thing we’ve got sinks.
Me: Take it outside, buddy, ‘cause I’m cleaning those too.

Cassie Peed

Austin: I took the dog out. She peed.
Me, meaning she'll still drag me out in two hours: That doesn’t really mean anything.
Austin: She peed a lot. I mean, it looks like it rained out there. I’m worried that the backyard will become a marsh.

Christmas Hints

Austin: I really want one of those stand-up-sit-down desks for work, but I just can’t justify getting one. I mean, $80 is too much. I’d really like to. The internet has all these sales, but even on sale, $80 is the best. I can’t spend that.
Me: I already told you, I already got your Christmas gift.

Tink Talking

I came into Austin’s room and bent down to pet the cat.
Me: Hi, Tink.
Austin: Hi.
Me, falsified shock: Tink, how masculine and—
Then I stopped myself.

Snoring

I got up at 6:00 a.m. Around 9:00, I went back to bed. When I rose again...
Austin: You slept for quite a while.
Me: You probably could hear me snoring all through the house.
Austin: I thought you were farting.

We'll Match

We invited Mom to go grocery shopping with us today.
Me: I don’t know when we’re leaving.
Mom: Let me know. I’ll go get dressed.
Austin: Wear your cheerleader costume so we’ll match.

Pumpkin Preserves

Austin, as we’re walking out to our car: Whoops! I didn’t even shut my door.
Me: Whoops.
Austin: Unless someone broke in to steal some of our chic groceries.
Me: Yeah, like the gourmet pumpkin preserves.
Austin: Hey, I spent good money on that. And that was a sale price. Someone’s going to appreciate getting that for Christmas.

Pillows

Austin bought a new mattress, so now he's in the market for a new pillow.

Austin, browsing pillows: I like a pillow that gives, not one that’s all puff.
Me: I like a husband that gives, but I got one that was all puff.

Have I...

Me: Have I told you I love you today?
Austin: No. I figured we’d wait till your mom got here.
Later.
Me: I don’t think I’ve said I love you yet.
Austin: Your mom isn’t looking. She’s checking out her receipt.

We waited until she was looking forward, then we gave each other a big, juicy kiss.

Mom: Oh yuck.

The Dirty Pan

Me, presenting a pan to Austin: Do you think I should throw it out? It seems like a lost cause. I’ve washed it three times.
Austin: I’ll get behind any decision you make.
Me, studying the pan, considering if it really should be thrown out.
Austin: About the pan.
I smirk.
Austin: Unless that decision is to hit me with it.

Left or Right

I took Mom down to Woodsville today to visit the grave of one of our relations. As we exited I-70.
Me: Left or right.
Mom: East.
Pause.
Me: Okay, do I turn left or right?

This is my real life, y'all.

The British Accent

Austin spent the morning watching Britain’s Best Bakery. And we are great lovers of Great British Baking Show. After finishing that binge, he flipped over to Dr. Who.

Austin: Now, when I hear a British accent, it makes me hungry.

Air Date

Me, distressed: Star Trek Discovery doesn’t have an air date for season three.
Austin: You can’t rush perfection.
Me: We can’t rush you either.
Austin: That’s right. Because I’m perfection.
Me: I said either to show you excluded from perfection.

Use a Straw

On our way to a gathering.

Me: I should go get dressed.
Austin: We have an hour yet.
Me: We should leave at 6:45. That’ll get us there at 7:15.
Austin, making a face.
Me: I know you have an aversion for being early.
Austin: Yeah. More time to stand around, drink liquids, have to use a public restroom. I have an aversion to public restrooms.
Me: All you have to do is whip it out. I have to actually sit down.
Austin: No, you don ‘t.
Me: I’m not going to squat and get urine everywhere.
Austin: You don’t have to squat. You can raise the seat, aim and point, use a straw.

Pedophilia

While at a local theatre, a teenager was sitting next to me. He kept taking over the arm rest and getting into my area of the seat.
So I complained to Austin.
Austin, running his finger up my arm: Start caressing him like this.
Me: That’ll get me thrown in jail. Pedophilia.
Austin: Love is never wrong.
Me: You haven’t been watching the news lately.

Dickens Village

Me: It’s a terrible thing, but I’m looking into long skirts for our Dickensian adventure in a couple of weeks.
Austin: Are we dressing up for the Dickens Village thing?
Me: Well, you’re wearing your top hat.
Austin: I don’t think so. There’ll be people dressed up and there’ll be mannequins. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I just want to go as a normal person.
Me: That’s not possible.

 

Memory Foam Mattress

Austin: I was looking at memory foam mattresses. They’re really affordable.
Me: Your mattress isn’t a whole year old.
Austin: The reviews specifically talk about ankylosing spondylitis. These mattresses get rid of all kinds of pain.
Me: Then I want one so I can get rid of you.

It Hurts

Me: Does my hair need brushed?
Austin: It couldn’t hurt.
So I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and started screaming: It hurts!
Austin: Oh stop.
Me: If I have to listen to you go on about memory foam mattresses, you can put up with my dramatizations.
Austin: I’m just looking for a bed that will help with my ankylosing spondylitis. You don’t like to hear me complain about my suffering.
Me: I don’t care if you’re suffering. I just don’t want to hear about it.

Vanity Plates

We saw an inordinately high number of vanity license plates today. 5HWIFTY, GR8 LMT, LVQUILTS.

Austin: Does that say FRY BOYZ?
Me: It says FRV 8012.

Monkey Bread

Me: If I make monkey bread out of the leftover rolls, would you want me to put dried cherries—
Austin: Absolutely not!
Me: I didn’t figure you’d want any, but the recipe I found calls for them.
Austin: No, no. No dried nothing. That ruins desserts. You bite down into this warm, soft, delicious bread, all sweet and gooey, then all the sudden, your teeth hits this dry, wrinkled up, bitter piece of yuck.
Me: And all of the sudden, you’re describing my mother.

I'm Thankful For...

Austin: I'm thankful that I have you. I love you. I’m so lucky you're in my life.
Austin & I embrace deeply.
Austin: The only thing that would be better than you would be two of you.
Me: Boy, you’re a glutton for punishment.


I’m thankful for this guy. Happy B-day, Emun Elliott.

Pre-Christmas Gift

 As a pre-Christmas gift, my mother-in-law gave us a Google assistant. Austin was raving over it, how wonderful it was and broke it open instantly. He was playing with it, programming it, checking its features. My mother-in-law mentioned sci-fi horror movies and how much closer we are to those becoming a reality. Austin was ignoring it all.

Austin: Check this out. Hey Google, what’s my name?
Google: Sexy hunk man.
Me: Hey Google, what’s my name?
Google: Sexy hunk man.
Me: I don’t think we have to worry about AI’s taking over the world just yet.

Surprise

Our Thai basil was looking exceptionally wilted, so I ran over to water it.
Austin: Make sure you water the sweet basil too.
Me: They’re right next to each other. Of course I’m going to water them both.
Austin: I’m just saying. You surprise me constantly. Even after twelve years, you always surprise me.
Me: What have I done lately that’s surprised you?
No answer. We finished putting away groceries.
Me, sometime later: You never said what I’ve done to surprise you lately.
Austin: Well, I woke up alive this morning. That’s always a shock.

Bad Day

I had a bad morning, so since Austin was getting off work early, he offered to take me out to eat.
Austin, walking in from work: You ready to go?
Me: Actually, I just shut down my computer and was going to take a nap when I heard you come in.
Austin: Okay. You go take your nap. I’ll go without you.

Going To Bed

Me: I think I’m going to bed.
Austin: Remember to sleep in it also.

Cranberry Tea

Austin: You made cranberry tea!
Me: You told me to.
Austin: I told you to start it. I can’t believe you finished it.
Me: You told me how to.
Austin: I’m impressed. That saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, would never work with a b*#%$ like you.

OfTen

We were watching TV and a character said: I hope you don’t ask me to do that too ofTen.
Often is pronounced offen, but is frequently mispronounced.
Me: I wonder if he would mind if I asked him to do it offen.
Austin: As long as it’s not too offen.
Me: I was disputing the pronunciation, not the modifier, Austin.
Austin: It’s Aussin. The T is silent.

Corn Dog

I made a big batch of kettle corn, then went up to Austin’s room. Normally, I snuggle in his bed while he sits at his desk, but he was in his bed, so I took his desk chair and continued to munch.
Austin, a few minutes later, hovering over me: Can I steal your seat?
Me: This seat has kettle corn.
Austin: That’s why I want it.

After giving a few kernels to Cassie.
Austin: Don’t give her too much. She’ll turn into a corn dog.

Freudian

Austin was talking about lunch.

Austin: I wasn't going to pay $11 for a little empanada and a pile of fries. Fries are only good when they're warm. After a minute or two, they're cold and limp.

Austin reached down and scratched his crotch.

Me: That was Freudian.

Trouble

Mom: How do you like your new phone?

Austin: I love it.

Mom: Then it's treating you better?

Austin: I never had a problem with it.

Mom: I thought you just bought something and you were having problems with it.

Austin, turning to me: I can't think of anything that I've been having problems with lately.

Me: Notice, he looks directly at me.

Love My Baby

I was brushing my teeth. Austin and the dog emerged from his room. I sat my toothbrush aside, crouched down and loved on my dog.

Me, baby voice: How's my girl? Are you a good girl? Of course, you're a good girl. Mommy loves you!

Austin: Hi.

Me, going back to the bathroom and picking up my toothbrush: Yeah.

Ominous

Austin was standing over me with an ominous expression on his face.
Me: What are you thinking?
Austin: I was thinking how beautiful you are and how lucky I am.
Me: That’s not what it looks like you’re thinking.
Austin: What does it look like I’m thinking?
Me: It looks like you’re planning to flay my skin off with a razor blade.
Austin: Now that you mention it, good idea.

Killing Flies

Austin & I were talking about killing flies after he took a dish towel and tried three times to swat it before actually killing it.
Me: My grandmother had trouble with fly swatters, but she could clap her hands and squash anything. Grossed me out at the time, but now that’s how I do it, then go wash my hands.
Austin: I couldn’t do that. I prefer to zap them with hairspray.
Me: See, I couldn’t do that, listening to the buzzing as they slowly die.
Austin: That’s the part I like. I like to gather their bodies into a jar and sit it on my desk and listen to it all night long.

Yellow Light

The light at the intersection was yellow.
Austin: If I put on the gas, I can make it.
Me: Better not. We’re in X. A cop will ticket us for going through.
Austin: You’re right. The guy behind us will magically transform into a cop just to spite me.

Children

Austin went over to visit one of his married friends. His wife, X, had a kid with her first husband. The kid is 13. She also has a kid with her second husband, who is 5 years old. While he was away, I was reading random articles. When I got home, I started sharing the random trivia I had learned.

 Me: Statistics show that children don’t make us as happy as we think they will.
Austin: X was just saying that. She says the only reason people want others to have babies is so they’ll be as miserable as they are.
Me: That’s a good excuse for the first one. What’s her excuse for the second one?

Upside Down Pineapple

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like going to work. Austin told me to take the day off and use PTO, since I had enough built up.
Me: I can’t. Tom will miss me.
So I went to work and told my buddy Tom this.
Tom: Uh oh! You shouldn’t say things like this. Austin might get jealous!
So I tell Austin this. He laughs.
Austin: Tom’s married. Get a picture of his wife.
Me: You’re telling me you want me to place an upside down pineapple on my desk? 

If you don't know what an upside down pineapple means, Google it.

I Love You Today

Austin: I love you today.
Me: I love you today too. I probably love you tomorrow.
Austin: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
He didn’t notice I said *probably*.

Bookmark

Mom was using my computer while Austin & I were out. A pillow was on my computer chair. Austin said he didn’t do it.
Austin: Whose pillow is it?
Me: Yours. I hope she didn’t go into my room. My dildo is sitting out in plain sight.
Austin: Don’t worry. She probably thought it was a weird bookmark.

Fake-Bakes

We were down to two fake bakes. I ate one and left the last one for Austin. On our way to the store.
Me: I left you the last fake bake.
Austin: It’s gone.
So apparently it was reasonable to make the whole pack.

Coupons

God bless Austin. I had a hankering for something sweet, so Austin mentioned the fake bakes in the fridge. He's opening the package and putting all 24 chocolate chip cookies on the baking sheet.

Me: We don't need to make all of them. I only want a couple.

Austin: Nah, we need to make them all so we need to buy more so Kroger will send us more coupons.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Coupon

Me: Kroger sent us a coupon for break-and-bake cookies. Should I give it to Mom or should we keep it?
Austin: Of course we should keep it.
Me: But we have a whole package of break-and-bakes in the fridge right now.
Austin: Well, this coupon gives us motivation to eat them, then we'll need to buy more.
Me: I don't need motivation to eat cookies.
Later, at the grocery store, Austin: When does the coupon expire?
Me: December eighth.
Austin: So we've got some time.
Me: Why wait?

Math Fun

I have leftover marshmallows and decided to make more rice crispy treats, since Austin nor I like marshmallows and I don't want them to take up space in the cupboard. I had 8.5, almost 9 ounces of marshmallows. The recipe called for 12 ounces of rice crispies to 20 ounces of marshmallows. Now, I can do a decent amount of math in my head, but...

Me: Hey Google, if 3 over 5 equals X over 9, what is X.

Google: I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

Me: Hey, Google, divide 9 by 5.

Google: 1.8.

Me: Hey Google, multiply 3 by 1.8.

Google: 5.4.

Me: You're like talking to Austin sometimes.

Murder, She Potted

Me: That pot is hideous.
Austin: That one? I love it. I want to search the internet right now to find a replica so we can sit it on our front porch.
Me: Absolutely not. No, wait. That’s a pretty big pot. You could hide a body in there. That would be perfect to hide your body in when I murder you and need to get away with it.
Austin: No, it wouldn’t. That’d be a horrible spot to hide a body. And on our front porch? You’d be caught in five minutes.
Me: Nah, this is a Murder, She Wrote episode. It’d take at least an hour for Jessica to put it together. And it’d be based on who’s holding a glass. Not a body in a pot on my front porch. In fact, it won’t possibly be me. I’d be the obvious conclusion. Jessica will show that in fact, you committed suicide and put yourself in the pot to make it look like me.

Mango Chutney

Austin: This mango ginger chutney you got me is awful. It’s not sweet at all.
Me, noticing the price tags in pounds, then the best by date: I got this when me, Mom and Leah went to Scotland & Ireland. That was five years ago.

Billy Lee's Chop Suey House

Late last night.

Austin: I'm still craving Billy Lee's. You probably don't want to eat at Billy Lee's Chop Suey House.

Me: You want to drive all the way out to Heath and back?

Austin: They deliver.

Me: Not out here.

Austin: I say we find out the end of their delivery range. Drive to that person's house, sit in the front yard. Then when the delivery person comes, flag them down and say no, no. That's for us.

He thinks he's funny.

Exhausted

Austin: Man, I’m tired.
Me: I was tired before we started.
Austin: You don’t have a 100 pound dog dragging you around the neighborhood.
Me: You don’t have a five inch scar on your abdomen.
Austin: You don’t have a five foot something pain in the #$%@ next to you.
Me, punches him.

Walk

Austin: If I put on jeans, would you like to go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on jeans, I will go on a walk with you.
Austin: If I put on Daisy Dukes, will you go on a walk with me?
Me: If you put on Daisy Dukes, I’ll walk behind you with a camera and post it on Facebook.

Fortune Cookie

Me: I checked your fortune cookie. There’s no fortune in that one either.
Austin: I make my own fortune.
Me: And yet, we live in squalor.
Austin: I live in controlled chaos.

Unfortunate

Me, opening a fortune cookie: Agh! No fortune. I feel violated. [Opening a second fortune cookie, screams] No fortune in this one either.
Austin: Unfortunate.

General Tso's

Austin: The broccoli in my general tso’s wasn’t very good.
Me: I’m sorry.
Austin: It’s all right. I don’t know if it was that general tso’s or it’s general tso’s in general.

Me: It's general tso-tso?

Cupcakes Again

I promised my team cupcakes, so as soon as I got home, I started whipping up the cake batter. I had muffin tins down and had papers in them. Then Austin came home.
Austin: What time did you get home?
Me: 5:30
Austin, looking at the clock: You did all that in nine minutes?
Me: I also took the dog out.

Dream

Austin rarely comes to my room, but I hadn’t gone to his, so there comes a little knock and he slips in.
Austin: Last night, I dreamt I went to work and all I had on was a towel around my waist. I forgot that was all I had on and sat down at my chair and I spread my legs wide open and exposed myself. So then I apologize to the girl next to me. And she said it’s fine. Ted does it all the time.
Me: Well, it’s about vulnerability and exposing yourself and embarrassment.
Austin: I have to take a shower now.
He was in his bathrobe and had a towel over his arm. I went over and hugged him.
Austin: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Austin: I just wanted to tell you before I forget.
Me: That you love me?
Austin: The dream.

Honey

I’ve had a sore throat lately and have been leaving the honey out. I was making some soothing tea and was searching the counters.
Austin: What are you looking for?
Me, rasping out: Honey.
Austin reaches into the cupboard, where the honey belongs, and hands me the bottle.
Austin, a moment later: What I meant to say [he points at himself].

Hoarse

I was refilling my mug so I could make tea. I had a sore throat and tulsi tea is the only thing that helps. Austin was patiently waiting for me so he could rinse off his teeth. I was done, then saw, no, I didn’t quite get my mug filled. So I push him aside and put my mug back under the faucet.
Me: Sorry, I’m just so hoarse. Or frog. Or kitty cat.
Austin: Sounds like a$$ to me.
Me, swatting him: No, my a$$ is right here.

Getting Old

While eating out, Austin was swilling his cherry coke.
Austin: I’m getting old.
Me: Getting? Bubby, you’re already there.
Austin: If I throw this on you, they’ll give me a free refill.

Playing on the Phone

One of our friend's kids was playing with his phone. He called Austin. The first time, Austin answered and talked to the kid for a few minutes, joked with him and laughed. Then he told this five year old kid he had to go and hung up. Immediately after, the kid called back. Austin hung up without so much as a hello. I start cracking up, howling with laughter.
Austin: Was that mean?
Me: No. But it was a sure sign that we shouldn’t have kids.

Bathroom

Austin and I were walking and noticed my mother in her front yard. She headed into the house just as we were getting there. I called out to her, but she didn’t hear me. Then I knocked on several windows, but no response.
Austin: She’s already inside. We’ve missed her.
Me: Or she’s doing something crazy like going to the bathroom.
Austin: That’s right. It’s crazy, going in the house, using a toilet to go to the bathroom. Me, I like to go outside, start spraying everything.

Ankylosing Spondylitis

We were watching a commercial for ankylosing spondylitis, for a drug to treat it.

Commercial: If you have fatigue, back pain or stiffness, you could have ankylosing spondylitis. Contact your doctor and ask about treatment with X drug.

Austin: I have back pain and fatigue. I could have ankylosing spondylitis. I should contact my doctor. I don't have to get X drug. I bet I could get a prescription for marijuana.

Me: You're married, so you've got all kinds of pain.

Austin: If the doctor's married, he'll give me a prescription instantly.

Murder

Austin is flipping through shows on Hulu and finds a murder show we hadn’t watched before. Homicide Hunter. So Austin & I start watching.
The detective says, “We start out with the most probable, then move out to least likely.”
Austin: I figure alien abduction or Cthulhu ceremonial sacrifice least likely.

D&D

Austin: D&D, blah, blah, blah, rambling, rambling, on and on. I was thinking about the mistakes I made in the last game. I mean, it’s more intuitive and less rule-like and I’m more rule based. And making so many mistakes, I realize, I’m not perfect.
Me: I could have told you that.

A Lot of S*&$

Austin & I were shopping for toilet paper. Usually we buy Charmin, but the price was $$$. So we compared some other brands.
Me: What do you think?
Austin: It’s up to you.
Me: You use as much as I do.
Austin: I don’t know. I put up with a lot of s*** out of you.

Trash

Austin: But you say I never wash dishes or put them away anyway.
Me: You never take out the trash either, but whatever.
Austin: I took the trash out last weekend.
Me: Really?
Austin: Yeah, really. I thought you would have noticed.
Me: I only notice when you take the trash out if I hand it directly to you.

Before He Cheats

Listening to Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats.
Austin: Would you do that to me, key my car and slash my tires?
Me: No. I’d hit you where it hurts. I’d burn your D&D books.

Birthday Cupcakes

I made cupcakes last night for a co-worker’s birthday. And I made a point of telling Austin that I had set aside a cupcake just for him.
Austin: Can I have my cupcake now?
Me: Well, you can. But I was letting them cool down so I could ice them with ganache.
Austin: I’ll wait.

Cupcakes

Debating about making cupcakes. So on FB, I took a poll. Do you think I should do tiramisu cupcakes or a vanilla cupcake filled with strawberry and topped with chocolate ganache whipped cream? I had two boths and the rest said chocolate and strawberry.

Me: I hate to tell you this, but everyone voted for the strawberry chocolate cupcake. A few voted both, but everyone who chose a side chose the strawberry chocolate.
Austin: Well, it’s a good thing my vote means so much more than everyone else’s.

Vanquish Monsters

Austin had a spider in his room and he kept calling me to get it, but every time I’d come, the spider would be gone. Finally, the spider escaped and Austin returned to his regularly scheduled gaming session. He decided to make his character look like me, but alas, his PS4 overheated and he moved on to watching Voyager. I headed off to bed.
Austin, kissing me goodnight: I’m sorry I couldn’t make you vanquish any monsters tonight.
Me: Oh trust me, you tried.

Virginia

Austin & I were having a spat, so I threatened to run away to Virginia with my boss (whom I've been having a "clandestine affair" with). He's in Ohio temporarily for a project.
Me: He's going back to Virginia this weekend and I'm going with him. We can continue our romance and I can visit my friend Kirsten as often as I'd like.
Austin: Tell Kirsten I don't give you permission.
Me: I do what I want.
Austin: Just tell her.

Oreos

The reality of my life: I didn’t have a coin to flip, so I took apart an Oreo cookie. Heads (chocolate side), I wear a skirt. Tails (cream side), I wear pants. Cream side, pants.

Live Wire

My boss called me a live wire. I told this to Austin.
Austin: You know, he’s right.
So I told my boss that my husband agreed with him.
Boss: Your husband is a smart man.
Me: You’ve never met him.

Something Stupid

Austin: I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.

Me: You will.

Better

Austin: You make me a better person.
Me: I agree.

Asparagus

Me: We have asparagus, so we need to get that eaten.
Austin: I’ll make the chicken and you can take care of the asparagus.
Me: You just wet a paper towel—
Austin: I know, but I don’t know how long to put in the microwave.
Me: Two minutes.
Austin: Then it won’t take you long to do it.

Dinner

Me: I made dinner last night, so you can make dinner tonight.
Austin, reaching into the freezer and pulling out a Hot Pocket: Sure. I’ll eat this half and you can have that half.

Some obscene gestures and inappropriate spousal abuse.

Hummus Pancakes Return

Since Austin psyched me out with the hummus, I decided to make pancake batter myself.
Me: I have made real pancakes, not the fake pancakes you left in the fridge.
Austin: It wasn’t fake pancakes. It was hummus. It wasn’t trying to be pancakes. You made a mistake.
Me: Bah hummus bug.

Typical Woman

Tink hissed at Mouse.
Me: Tink, stop. You’re fine.
Austin: She’s been hissing at him all morning.
Me: I don’t get it. Most of the time, she’s fine with him and they’ll cuddle up together. Other times, she hisses at him.
Austin: Typical woman.

Hummus Pancake

This morning, while getting ready for work, I noticed a storage container in our fridge with beige stuff in it. I was so excited, I fired up the burner, grabbed a frying pan and prepared my taste buds. Then I took the lid off the container.
Me: Oh. That’s awfully thick.
Sinking feeling in my stomach. I dip a spoon in. Gloom gathers around me.
Me, texting Austin: I thought you left pancake batter in the fridge. Imagine my surprise when I prepared to make breakfast.
Then thunderous clomping down the steps and Austin storms into the kitchen.
Austin: Did you really make a hummus pancake?

I should have thrown it at him.

You're Weird

Austin: I got this black bean hummus from X. It's really good. Try it.

Me: Nah.

Austin: You ate hummus at your friend's house.

Me: Yeah. It was good.

Austin: You should eat this because it's good for you.

Me: I don't eat things just because they're good for me.

Austin: Yes, you do.

Me: No, I don't. I eat things I like.

Austin: You're into things that are good for you.

Me: Look, hummus is like avocado. I don't particularly like it, but I don't dislike it either.

Austin: So you're weird. Which I knew before.

Painting

And I'm working on the pantry floors.

Me: And I’ve got to mop the floor tonight so it can dry by morning, then I can paint it so it will be dry enough by the time you get home tomorrow.
Austin: Don’t worry about it.
Me: If I don’t get it done, you’ll have to go around to the front door.
Austin: So I’ll go around to the front.
Me: It’s just a pain in the ^&#%.
Austin: Well, look what I married.

It’s amazing he’s still alive.

Halloween is Coming Up!

Austin's working on his Halloween costume.

Me: You’re scarier without the mask.

Tit for Tat

Austin was over the sink washing a few dishes.
Me: Thanks for washing the dishes.
Austin: I’m not going to wash them all. I was just going to wash these, then stop.
Me: That’s fine. I was just thanking you because you thanked me the other day when all I washed was four plates and a few forks. Tit for tat.

Guess where Austin grabbed me.

How Much I Love You

Austin: Have I told you how much I love you today?
Me: I told you that I love you and you acknowledged it. I believe you replied that you loved me too, but I don’t know if you made any quantifiable remark regarding how much.
Austin: If space could be measurable, my love would fill it.
Me: No it wouldn’t.

Murder Planning Again

Austin was watching Forensic Files again on Netflix.
Me: You getting ideas for how to murder me?
Austin: Nah. I don’t need any ideas. I have my own.

Assume...

For our trip to Virginia, Mom was having Austin sit her house and animals.

Austin: Is your Mom going to leave me instructions or is she just going to assume I know everything?
Me: Oh, she’s not going to assume that.

Nerf Bullets

Austin, examining Nerf bullets on clearance: If only I had the gun for these.
Me: I think that all the time.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

An oldies station was playing at the store. Whitney Houston 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' came on and I was bebopping through the store. And I remembered being in middle school when the song came out.
Me: Sadly, this song is an oldie now.
Austin: I hate to tell you this, but this song has been an oldie for a while now. 

You're Welcome

Me: X (who lives in Virginia) said to be sure to thank you for letting me go out and visit her.
Austin sprung to me and I was cackling, because X legitimately asked me to say this.
Austin, after he got over it, straightened his face: Tell her, 'You’re welcome.'

Thank. You.

Me: I can’t believe it’s almost 8:30.
Austin, pausing the TV: We don’t have to watch the rest of this. Go to bed.
Me, after lifting the tea and taking a sip: I don’t think I can move.
Austin: Yes, you can. You just lifted your hand.
Me: ^&*%@^&
Austin: See. I just pointed out that you can move. You’re not immobile. You should be thanking me.
Me: Thank. You.

Cold Case

Me: Mom got a visit from two Delaware County sheriffs cold case department.
Austin: That’s pretty cool.
Me: Yeah. I didn’t know we knew anyone who’d been murdered and gone cold.
Austin: Your mom’s done a good job covering it up.

Poison Sauce

Me: Thank you for making dinner.
Austin: Do you like the sauce?
Me: Yeah. Is it a maple glaze?
Austin: Nah. I just kind of made it up. Hoison, soy sauce.
Me: It sounded like you just said poison.
Austin: Just for you, dear.

Colostomy Bag

Austin: Could you imagine having a colostomy bag? That would be awful to have a tube coming out of your rectum.
Me: Guess again.
Austin: What? It comes out somewhere else?
Me: The people I know, the colostomy bag has been at your side, in your abdominal area, and your waste collects there.
Austin: So. It’s kind of like me. Always at your side and full of shit.
Me: Yes, exactly.

Sweet

Me: I love you so much and I’m so glad to have a supportive, wonderful man like you in my life.
Austin: You’re sweet.
Me: You’ve been with me too long to be deluded like that.
Austin: I said something different in my head.

Austin was Right

Austin: I know it’s a little off, but on September 25th, I was right about the lentils. You said I should make note of it, so I did. And now I’m reminding you of it.

Blonde Ponytails

We were watching a blonde with her hair in ponytails.
Austin: Those ponytails are adorbs. It makes her look sweet, innocent. I bet people do underestimate her with those things. If I put my hair in ponytails, people would underestimate me.
Me: As soon as you open your mouth, people underestimate you.

Kitchen Stool

So I picked up some fabric to fix the seat on this old kitchen step stool and I mentioned it to Austin.

Austin: The one that the cats used to climb?

Me: Yeah.

Austin: I thought you were going to get rid of it.

Me: No. I'm going to fix it up and make a new cushion for it.

Austin: But you asked me if I cared what you did with it. I told you I didn't. I thought you were asking because you wanted to get rid of it.

Me: I only ask your opinion--

Austin: You only ask my opinion so you can forget what I say and do what you want.

Flatulence

I told Austin I farted today. Now he can't stop laughing.

Seriously, it's been like five minutes and he's still laughing.

Clan of the Cave Bear

Austin has been reading the Clan of the Cave Bear series. He’s on the third book, the Mammoth Hunters, now.
Austin: Ayla called the birds and they actually came over to her. And all the mammoth hunters were really impressed and asking her how she did that.
Me: Ayla’s a Disney Princess. 

Hair Straightener

The first time I saw Austin plug in his hair straightener and apply it to his shirt collar, I was shocked. Now very little shocks me about my husband.

Austin & I are going to see a show this afternoon. Fresh from a shower, hair a frizzy mess, he plugs the hair straightener in. And nothing. He taps the surface, unplugs, re-plugs, taps again.
Austin: I think it’s dead.
Me: Well, harass work for the Amazon gift card you won, then we can order a new one.
Austin: It’s not like I desperately need one.
Me: But how will you iron your collars now?
Austin: I won’t. I’ll just go around looking stupid.
Me: Ironed collars don’t affect that.
Austin: Ooohhh!

Banana Chocolate Bread Continued

Me: Clearly I didn’t die on my walk, though it was touch and go for a minute.
Austin: Good, because I had no intention of pulling your banana chocolate bread.
Me: I would have so haunted your @$$.
Austin: I watch Supernatural. I would stock up on salt.

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread

I just put banana chocolate chip bread in the oven.
Me: I’m going for a walk. It takes 70 minutes for the bread to bake, so it shouldn’t be a problem for me to get back in time to pull it. Unless I should happen to die on my walk.
Austin: If you die on your walk, I won’t care about the banana chocolate bread in the oven.
Me: I would still appreciate it if you’d pull the bread in 70 minutes.
Austin: Okay.

In case you'd like to try it, here's a link:

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread 

Ottoman

Austin was looking to replace his Sterilite drawer set with a storage ottoman. I was controlling the iPad.
Austin: Slow down. I almost missed this nifty cow one.

Fun at the Egyptian Exhibit

Austin had a cold. I had a cold. And Mom is just old.
Me, discussing the exhibit today: I kept sneezing. I felt so bad.
Austin: I could tell by the spray of mucous on the glass cases.

 

While at the exhibit, I overheard a pair of women approximately my age discussing the ceramic pottery and plates.
Woman X: You can tell this is their day-to-day dinnerware and that this is their nicer finery here. They didn’t have plastic back then.

FYI, if you’re going to be this stupid, please don’t do it in a museum near me.

Also, this same woman didn’t know Hatshepsut was a woman.

 

 

Me: The first fully synthetic plastic was invented in 1907.
Austin: WOW. Just after the end of the Egyptian era.

Starship Enterprise Keychain

I laughed hysterically at this. So I show it to Austin.
Austin: Is that real?
Me: That a piece to a toilet!
Austin: Oh.

I've Got a Crush

Me: I think I’ve got a crush on Shazad Latif (actor Star Trek: Discovery).
Austin: I don’t know why. He’s not chiseled. He even kind of has a double chin.
Me, pressing my finger into Austin’s gut: I definitely have a type.
Image taken from Crookes Magazine, photo by Leigh Keily.

Batman

Austin & I were watching Batman: Bad Blood.
Austin: Oh man! They killed the Mad Hatter and Firefly. And the big tusk guy.
Me: I think he’s the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This image is from comicbooknews.com.

This one is from Chadwick J Coleman, taken from DeviantArt.

Shaved Head

Austin: The Deep (from the Boys) shaved his head. I don’t know what it is about being depressed and shaving your head.
Me: Well, we could get you depressed and see if it works on you.
Austin: It wouldn’t. I’ve been depressed for—
Me: Don’t even go there.

Pit Bull

I was giving information on this pit bull that I’m trying to re-home for a friend. I was telling Austin that he gets special food, he’s up on his shots, rabies, etc.
Austin: Well, you know, my family is going to want a full background check and any delinquency records.
Me, laughing.
Austin: I’m pretty sure as long as he’s not a meth addict, my family won’t care.
Me: He’s a pit bull. He might be.
Austin: That’s racist.

Toothpaste

Me: I think it’s done
Austin: Oh, I don’t know. I could squeeze another dollop out of there.
Me, incredulous look.
Austin: I don’t have many teeth left.

Supernatural, Game Night

Austin & I have been fans of Supernatural for years. We were watching Game Night. The episode opens with Donatello opening the door to a stranger and being attacked.

Austin: You'd think after all these years, the characters would invest in some kind of home security system.

Leftovers

Austin, looking at my phone: Your mom wants to know if she can come up for leftovers now.
Me: Sure. I can put on a shirt.
Austin: I can’t.
So I went upstairs and got changed. Shortly after, Austin trudged up.
Me: Did you tell Mom she could come up?
Austin: I told her something.

Party Time!

Us: We're having a party! All are welcome!

X: What's the occasion?

Me: The house is clean. Take pictures.

The House is Clean!!!

Austin is gleaming over how clean our house is. I’m eyeing a clump of fur that has already fallen onto our newly swept floor.
Austin: Next time around, it won’t be such a big job.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Austin: Cleaning the house. Now that’s it’s clean, all we have to do is put in a little effort to keep it that way.
Me: You remember when we moved the couch box off of our new area rug and there was a visible line where dirt had collected on the exposed part?
Austin: Yeah, but it won’t be as bad. It won’t be monstrous bad. It’ll only be medium bad.

New Everything

Renovating the house. New carpet, new couch, new everything.

 Me: Mouse already has marked the carpet as his.
Austin: What? Where?
So I pointed it out.
Me: I cleaned it up.
Austin: That little brat. Because we moved the litter box a few feet. We should invest in deer urine. That deters everything. Or human urine. I’ve heard that’s a good deterrent. We can keep it in jars. It also bleaches leather. 

Pizza

Me: Are you ready for me to throw together dinner?
Austin: Sure. What are you making?
Me: Pizza! You said you wanted pizza!
Austin: I do, but I was just asking. You don’t always accommodate my requests.
Me, indignant for a minute: With all the effort I put into accommodating your needs, wants, requests.
I start to head for the kitchen.
Austin: Can you put Parmesan cheese on mine?
Me: Maybe.

Pipe Dream

Me to Austin: Our house being clean is a pipe dream.

Austin: You’re almost done. What we can do with the rest is box it up and put it in your room until you’ve got more time to go through it.

Me: NO!

Austin: What?

Me: Remember when you moved in? Your room used to be my junk room. I spent hours, days. Weeks, actually cleaning it out for you.

Austin: Yeah.

Me: And when I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t figure out what to do with the rest, I boxed it up and stacked it in my room.

Austin: Oh, yeah.

Me: And now you’ve been here seven years and all that crap is still in my room. 

Austin: Yeah...

Hysteria

So in February I had to have surgery for fibroids and went through a multitude of tests to find out the extent of the issue and if it's cancerous. Austin was telling a pair of his female friends.

Austin: She had fibroids. Apparently they were rather large and her uterus wasn't where it's supposed to be.

Female friend: So she had a wandering uterus.

Austin: I guess.

Female friend: So Rachel had hysteria.

Cemetery Hop

Me: You’d be proud of me. Mom asked me to go to the cemetery with her today and I told her I needed to get my work done.
Austin: You just went to the cemetery.
Me: That was Mount Vernon. We were going to go to Eden.
Austin: Well, we should just have a cemetery hop. Go from cemetery to cemetery.
Me: The Mount Vernon cemetery just put in that funeral home right in front of the cemetery.
Austin: Grand Opening! Big Sale. As many people as you can fit in a casket. You break it, cut it off, we don’t care. If it fits, we bury it.