Austin’s new thing is to thank me daily for the Nespresso machine.
Austin: Thank you for my coffee machine. I love it.
Me: You love that coffee machine more than you love me.
Austin: No. You gave me the coffee machine. If this coffee machine breaks, you might get me another coffee machine. You might be worth three or four coffee machines.
Our toilet seat on the toilet broke. We looked into buying a new one, but they’re like $50.
Me: When I was walking a Tess, I saw a toilet sitting out by the road. It’s an enlongated seat like ours, so the seat cover would fit. But it’s not going to just come off. I’ll need to go back with a screwdriver and pliers. I’m going to do it after dark so the neighbors won’t see.
Austin: No, we’re not. It’s a minor break. We’ll glue it. We’re not stealing—
Me: It was in the trash, so it’s not stealing.
Austin has had his Nespresso machine for a while now and he had his freshly brewed-milk frothed cup under his nose, inhaling deeply. But it’s technically his Christmas present.
Austin: Just smell that aroma.
Me: I’m allergic.
Austin: Coffee contains brain cells.
Me: If that were the case, all people who drank coffee would be brilliant and all of us nondrinkers would be rubes. You want me to tell you my IQ again?
Austin: Nah, there’s brain cells here. I take a deep breath and brain cells start plumping, pumping. My body begins to function. All with the addition of coffee.
Me: Again, if this were true, we wouldn’t have to worry about the zombie apocalypse. We’d just stockpile coffee beans.
Austin: Maybe you should write to the producers of Walking Dead, let them know.
Me: Better idea. Let’s write to Washington, require coffee there.
Anyone who reads this blog knows that I have a chocolate obsession, right?
So I was placing my order from *pricey designer chocolate company* and I applied the coupon their website was advertising, 15%, a savings of $27, then I tried to apply my rewards coupon I had earned. $10. It removed the coupon their site was advertising. I had $180 of chocolate in my shopping bag. And I qualified for free shipping.
!!!!!
I didn’t let it deter me. I placed an order for $80, qualified for free shipping and the 15% discount, saved $10.50 with the promo. And magically, my rewards points amount went up and I then qualified for a $20 rewards coupon. I decided to place the order for just over $100, used the $20 reward coupon on it. Saved $20. Plus qualified for free shipping.
Me, relating the story to Austin: If they had let me use both the coupon and my rewards promo, I would have saved $37 and they would have been charged for shipping and handling on one order. Instead, they had to give me free shipping on two orders and I saved $30. Not as much of a savings for me, but it cost their company. And I would have had another rewards certificate for the future to bring me back. They must think their customers are stupid.
Austin: Yeah, anyone who goes through all that trouble over $200 of chocolate is probably stupid to them.
So this came up on my FB memories:
Austin: I know you’re working ten hour days right now and driving forty minutes each direction, but when you have a day off, I’d appreciate it if you’d call the vet to find out what flea medicine we bought for Cassie last time.
I may have found the perfect Christmas tee. I just had to get it.
Me: I officially have too many Christmas tees. I’m not allowed to buy anymore Christmas tees unless it’s super-cute, like pink glitter starts shooting out of my ears cute.
Austin: You had too many Christmas tees last year and you said you weren’t allowed to buy anymore Christmas tees last year.
Me: Unless they’re super-cute. That’s why I added the addendum, about glitter shooting out of my ears. If pink glitter shot out of my ears for any length of time, people would see it and the government would want to run tests on me and they would take me away and lock me in a lab and you would never see me again. Then who would catch spiders and put them outside for you? See, super-cute Christmas tees only exception. I’ll just have to start wearing them earlier, like April.
In case you care, this is the shirt. You can get it from teeturtle.com
I admit it. I’m racking my brains for a Christmas gift for Austin this year. I can’t think of anything. Well, I can think of a few things, but nothing I sincerely want to spend money on. Nothing that glimmers and rings that magical bell.
Austin: X (sister-in-law) keeps talking about massages and pedicures. She goes on and on about deprivation chambers.
Me: Your life is a deprivation chamber.
So, I’m not huge into TV and movies. Maybe you could tell.
My Little Pony: A New Generation has come to Netflix. I didn’t notice right away, but I LOVE MLP: Friendship is Magic, so of course, I flipped it on.
Austin joins me on the couch.
Austin: I thought we would watch it together.
Me: You knew about this movie and didn’t tell me?
Austin graciously ignored me. Pretty good movie, easy to follow, good music. We watch the ponies go around collecting pieces of a crown to bring back the magic of Ponyville.
Finally! They have all the pieces! The crown is assembled! Then!
THEN!
Nothing.
Austin: What! But they have the crown, all the pieces. That should have worked. That should have fixed everything.
Me, rolling my eyes: Friendship is magic.
The Nespresso machine had died. Austin is sobbing. But I haven’t been able to find anything for him for Christmas, so I told him I would buy him another. He’s got $50 of Nespresso pods in the drawer. It’s necessary.
Austin: I can’t wait until Christmas for coffee.
Me: I will give it to you as soon as it arrives, will just say it’s for Christmas.
Austin: But it’s Thanksgiving. It will be—DAYS!!!!!—before a new one comes. What will I do until then?
Me, pointing at the three unopened bags of 8 o’clock coffee beans (22 oz each bag): You could drink the coffee that’s sitting right there.
Cue Austin sobbing and crying.
So, me being into saving money and really buying the best stuff for the food drive, I have out my coupons and my sales flyer from Kroger.
Me: I was planning to get all of the food drive cans from Aldi, because usually they have the best prices, but Kroger is having a sale on most of the stuff I was planning to get (chunky soup, beef stew, tuna, chicken). AND, I have a coupon of eight dollars off of a purchase of eighty dollars or more.
Austin nodded most sternly in agreement.
Me: And I have two coupons for Stouffer’s party dinners, but we only have room in the freezer for one more. Since I’m working again, we might want to get one. I mean, in addition to the one that’s already up there.
Austin: Nah. We’re never going to eat that one.
Me: Of course we are.
There’s only two of us and it will take us all week, but we will eat the lasagna.
Austin: No. It’s only there for show. So people will know we’re comfortable.
The cub scouts are coming around to collect canned goods for the local food drive tomorrow. I am going to the grocery store specifically to purchase food for them.
Of the things Austin & I argue about, this is perhaps the oddest.
Austin: We can give them the ramen noodles and some of the canned goods we got from your mother’s house.
Me: We aren’t giving the ramen noodles from Mom’s house to people who are in need. I ate a package and they tasted soapy. I’m throwing those out.
Austin: Well, the canned goods anyway.
Me: Those are past the best-by date. They’ll just get thrown out.
Austin: Then let them get thrown out.
Me: I’m not donating trash to charity.
Austin: Exactly, it’s charity. People who are taking hand-outs shouldn’t expect to have brand-name and high-quality. They should appreciate what they get.
Me: I don’t care about brand, but people who need charity can’t afford quality. They should be given meat and good and hearty.
Austin: I’m not saying we can’t get them meat and good and hearty. I’m just saying I’m never going to eat that can of hominy in our cupboard. We can sneak it in with the meat and good and hearty. No one will notice.
Btw
I was eating pumpkin seeds and dropped one on the floor. Though Sarah can’t see, she was right there and gobbled it up. Then she sniffed around the room for more.
Me: I don’t know what she’s doing.
Austin: She’s looking for food.
Me: She should check her food dish. It’s only a few feet away.
Austin: She can’t find it.
Austin went over to the fridge where we keep the grocery list and jotted something down.
Austin, turning to me: I just added body wash to the list, but we probably have tons.
Me: We do.
Austin: From your mom’s house.
Me: That’s right.
Austin: I’ll just cross this off then. We have body wash.
Me: Technically, it’s shower gel, but it’s the same thing.
Austin: It’s better. It sounds more masculine.
Austin, to Alexa: Get Cutthroat Kitchen on Netflix.
Me: Hulu.
Alexa: Getting Cutthroat Kitchen on Hulu.
Austin: Alexa is smarter than me.
Me, patting his back: Even AIs.
Austin has made a leeks and cheese crostata; however, it’s past 9:00 and I’m getting ready for bed.
Austin: It’s in the oven. If you stay up another half hour, you can try some.
Me: Maybe.
Austin: I heard, “moi aussi.” I’m going to take that as a yes.
Austin & I went out for a late lunch, then went grocery shopping. We were lucky enough to find some strawberry cheesecake ice cream sandwiches on clearance. When we got home, I was still stuffed from lunch.
Me: I’m so sad that I don’t have room for an ice cream sandwich. I thought my lunch would have settled by now. Oh well, ice cream for breakfast.
Austin: That’s too bad. I’m going to have one now. I’ll leave you a note, let you now how they were.
Me: In an empty box? “Sorry you couldn’t manage to have one. They were delicious.”
Austin walked into the living room with the broken spatula.
Austin: You may not have noticed that the spatula broke.
Me: I did notice. What happened?
Austin: I was folding the vegetables into the sauce and the spatula just cracked. But I find that the silicone added a sharp, tart flavor to dinner.
Tess (the dog) refused to go when I took her out. I tried, over five minutes, but gave up.
Austin: She finally went?
Me: No. I gave up.
Austin: She wears me down too.
Me: I think she likes peeing on the wood floor.
Austin: She’s making a stream. She’s going to turn it into a slip-and-slide. One day we’re going to come in and find the girls throwing a pool party.
The death of a parent goes on and on and that is completely true in my case. I’m still missing my mother and wishing she was still with me.
Me: Friend X said that I’ve been traumatized.
Austin grunted.
Me: You think I’ve been traumatized?
Austin: I think you are. I think a lot of things cause traumas. I just always associate trauma with marriage.
I’ve been cleaning Mom’s house, getting rid of appliances, etc. Austin hates our toaster and has been wanting a new one for months.
Me: I was going to give you Mom’s toaster, but it turns out that it doesn’t work.
Austin: That’s all right. I don’t want a toaster as a gift. I have the perfect toaster in my head.
Me: Is that why you don’t have a brain?
Watching the episode about Bunchee Nyhuis’s murder.
Me, pointing at the screen: Take notes. This is a good way to commit murder.
Austin: I’m not taking notes. He got caught.
As the show progressed, it turned out the murder plot was hatched because the husband was having an affair and the husband and his girlfriend hatched a plan to murder their current spouses. They then married each other.
Me: Ouch! Awkward! My current husband has his name engraved on his deceased wife’s tombstone. I’d want my current husband buried next to me. Not buried next to his deceased wife.
Austin: Well, you could just cremate me. Sprinkle half of my remains next to you and half next to my new wife. Hell, I could get married a dozen times, sprinkle my body everywhere.
Me: Like allspice…
Austin and I discovered a new (to us) true crime show, Mysteries at the Morgue. We were watching the episode where a wife, Sharon Williams, was murdered by her husband. They kept flashing to her tombstone. With her murderer husband’s name also engraved on the stone.
Me: If I was murdered by my husband, I wouldn’t want to be buried next to him. I certainly wouldn’t want to have his name etched on the tombstone next to mine.
Austin, maniacal laughter.
Due to the level of flea infestation, I ordered a hazmat suit for when I work on Mom’s house. I asked a friend to help me and offered to buy a hazmat suit for her too. She said no.
Austin: I want one. Get me a hazmat suit.
Me: You’re going to help us work on Mom’s house?
Austin: Yeah. I’ll be there for the heavy lifting.
Me: Oh, don’t or I’ll die of laughter.
The new dogs are not completely house broken. They may have been at one time, but Mom did a lot and she was busy. She was getting old and she would be tired and didn’t feel like taking them out. So Austin and I are going through puppy pads like chocolate, but not in a good way. We used a box of 100 puppy pads in a single week.
Me: We didn’t have any accidents last night.
Austin: It’s because I duct taped the girls’ rectums.
Having Mom gone is… stressful. I’ve taken in her dogs, Sarah and Tess. A minpin and a manchester terrier respectively. We’re not sure how old they are, but Sarah is at least 15 and Tess is between 12 and 15. Sarah is blind and she has a growth hanging from her rear.
Friend X: Is that a tumor?
Austin: No, it’s a purse.
The growth is circled in red.
Very lackluster discovery. Took him 24 hours to find it.
Austin: What’s this pink thing in the fridge? What is it?
Me, coming into the kitchen.
Austin: It expired in 2015.
I have to take the jar out of the fridge and show him it’s a picture of him, he still isn’t getting it.
Austin, finally realizing what’s happened: My wife, the refrigerator prankster.
I saw this meme a few weeks ago:
So you know I’ve got to do it.
My version:
The trap is baited and set. Now we wait.
Possibly for months. Austin isn’t the most perceptive person sometimes.
Me: I just posted the photos of our dogs six minutes ago and I’ve already got two likes and one loves.
Austin: Of course. People love dogs. And apparently have nothing to do at 5:17 in the afternoon.
Austin: Not only is it National Dog Day, it’s the day women got the right to vote.
Me: It’s also National Toilet paper Day.
Austin: Great. Celebrate women by calling them b*tches and wiping your @$$.
Austin & I were talking about the yard sale we’re going to have Labor Day weekend.
Me: And we need to bring these bags up (a stack of geneology society bags) to pack up people’s purchases.
Austin: I’m going to make hot dogs and lemonade.
Me: That’ll be a great way to show off that the toaster oven works.
Austin, gives me a look.
Me: Of course, warm lemonade will be kind of weird.
Austin: If it’s warm, no one will believe it’s lemonade.
Austin & I have had many disputes over Tess. She’s basically in good health, but she has a skin condition and is hairless from the waist down. We’re constantly arguing over what she looks like.
Austin: No, she’s a pig. Look at her curlicue tail.
Me: That’s a straight tail. It’s like a rat’s.
Austin: It’s curly. I’m going to get a curling iron and turn it into a ringlet.
Me: And I’m going to get her some pants.
Austin: Nah. Porky Pig never wears pants.
Mom’s house is overrun with fleas. I spray my clothes, tuck in my pants… I’ve de-flea-ed the animals, but they’re still ridiculous.
Austin: What you need to do is get a pair of those cheap flea collars and wear them like ankle bracelets.
Cleaning out Mom’s purse.
Me: Mom had some of those updated heart candies. Look.
Austin: My boo. Ah. Am I your boo?
Me: You certainly scare me.
A local coffee shop has been advertising a muffuletta since October, coming soon. Mom was really looking forward to it. For Mardi Gras it wasn’t here. In May, not here. The last time we were in, Mom said rather loudly: I’ll be dead before that sandwich comes out.
When Austin and I were in, looking for a break from the tragedy of losing Mom, I noticed the sign still said, Coming Soon.
Me, leaning to Austin: If Mom were here, she’d say, “I told you so.”
Sadly, my mother has passed away. We are going through the difficult task of cleaning out her stuff.
Me: We don’t want this dry milk, right? It doesn’t expire until December 2022, but we won’t use it, right?
Austin: Sometimes, I like to have a big spoonful of dry milk.
Me: Am I going to have to hurt you?
Austin: Too late.
Austin started a cup of coffee. But the machine stopped halfway.
Austin: I could have gotten an app that alerts me when the water is low, but no, I trusted my brain to handle this.
Me: Do I even have to comment?
Austin bought a used Nespresso machine sometime ago and just recently ordered the welcome package. We’ve gotten the coffee before and the boxes are pretty small. This box was a couple feet high. Check out Nespresso’s website to get yours.
The gift arrived while Austin was on break, just before he had to go back to work. He’s still working from home…
Me: You better call off so you can appreciate your new coffee.
Austin, touching my arm: I’m so glad you understand.
So, Austin & I were going to go out with my brother-in-law for a belated birthday celebration. I had showered earlier, but hadn’t shaved. I felt my legs and thought they were okay.
Me: What do you think?
Austin, touching my leg: Aaaaggghh! I’m bleeding.
One of the things Austin and I did during his vacation was go canoeing. While paddling down the river, Austin said something that made me mad.
So I splashed him with the oar.
Austin, grabbing the oar: Don’t start something you can finish.
Me: We’re married. I’ve got the rest of our lives to finish it.
We went to lunch at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants with my mother.
My mother went to the bathroom.
Me, snapping my fingers: I keep forgetting to tell Mom that you and I are wearing our matching Chinese takeout underwear in honor of our lunch today.
Austin: We could just take a picture and send it to her.
Me: I want to make her sick, not kill her.
Austin’s meundies obsession:
Austin’s espresso maker box remains on the floor. The cats are enjoying it so much, we may leave it there for a while.
Austin, coming down around noon. I’ve been up since 7:00. He peeks at the empty box.
Austin, probing if we can get rid of the box yet: Have the cats gotten in the box today?
Me: Oh yes! Guppy lives in the box. She loves the box. I have taken pictures of her in the box. TODAY.
I started to leave the kitchen.
Austin, before I completely disappeared, called out: Have I told you—
Recognizing this as our ‘Have I told you enough that I love you today’ thing, I lean back and listen.
Austin: How much I love my espresso machine and milk frother?
Me: I’m sorry I came back to hear that.
Austin assumed the position, standing upright, his arms spread open. He was off to meet his brother for a beer fest. The spread arms meant he expected me to stand up and hug him. While I’m in the middle of reading Scumbag Villain for the hundredth time.
Me, grunting: Fine.
We hug. While embracing.
Austin: Fine. If I die in a car accident on my way to Dankhouse (the brewery he & his brother like), you’ll have the comfort of knowing that reading a book you’ve already read was more important.
Me: Don’t say things like that.
Austin hugged me tighter.
Me: I’ve spent too long planning the perfect murder for you to die accidentally in a car crash.
Austin & I went canoeing this morning. On our way home, we stopped at our favorite meat market and picked up a couple of NY strip steaks and a 3 pound roast. Austin then fell into bed and slept the afternoon away. At dinnertime, I nudged Austin, asked him if he was ready for steaks.
Austin, mumbling: I’m not hungry.
So I boiled a hot dog instead. Quality Nathan’s hot dog. I don’t do that cheap crap that tastes like bologna.
Austin finally gets up at 8:00.
Austin: Did you do steaks?
Me: You missed out. I ate both myself.
Austin grumbles.
Me: Actually, I invited Mom up. We ate the steaks together. We had a party and everything.
Austin: Don’t lie to me. That would be a mis-steak.
Austin is type A, just very slow and leisurely about it. I’m type B all the way. But then, this pic assumes Austin & I own a vac.
Austin loves the new milk frother. He has tried to draw heart many times to varying degrees of success.
Austin, showing me his latest effort: What about this one?
Me: Well, if you look close, you can see it.
Austin: That’s what I said when I married you.
Said heart:
Austin: This milk frother is on sale for $30!
Me: That’s too much for a milk frother.
Austin: It’s regularly $50!!!!
Me: That’s too much for a milk frother. It’s just a gadget. Do Not Get It.
Austin gets it anyway.
I used it three times in a single day.
Watching Forged in Fire Reruns. The second champions episode where Neil lost to Theo. Loved all the contestants on this episode. However, as Neil leaves, he talks about how it’s more important to have your self-respect than to win.
Austin: I don’t agree with that. I’d sell my self-respect for $10,000.
Mom: You married Rachel. You don’t have any self-respect left.
Me: So, the sugar bowl was practically empty.
Austin: Huh? I wonder how it got that way? Who could have used it all?
Me, snarling.
Austin: Must have been the ants.
Me: Here, I was expecting you to say something about deliberately letting it get empty so I could wash it again.
Austin: Nah, once every three years is plenty.
Me, washing my face. My eye starts to burn and I grope for a towel.
Me: It’s so hard for me lately to not get soap in my eyes.
Austin: Your eyes are just so beautiful, everything wants to be a part of them.
Me: Oh ^&@%
Me, Austin & Mom have started a tradition since COVID. We get carry-out once a week and eat together. We had the house opened up, since it’s nice out.
Mom: And I can leave through the front door?
Austin: We’d rather you leave from the second floor. Just run straight at the window and keep going.
Austin & I were talking about getting old. Not only am I over forty, I’m more than halfway to fifty!
Austin: I’m almost forty. I was just thinking the other day, ‘I’m thirty-six years old.’
Me: Unless the other day was several months ago, you’re thirty-seven.
Austin, blank look.
Me: We’ve got nine years between us. I’m forty-six, so you’re thirty-seven.
Austin: We’ve got ten years between us. You’re forty-six, so I’m thirty-six.
Me: You’ve had your birthday, so there’s nine years between us. You’re thirty-seven.
Austin, dumb-founded, counting on his fingers, trying to do math.
Me: Hey Siri, what’s 2021 minus 1984.
Siri: Two-thousand-twenty-one minus one-thousand-nine-hundred-eighty-four is thirty-seven.
Austin: Oh no!
Me, patting his back: Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. And it’s also going to happen on Facebook.
Austin: Loni (friend) just texted me. They’re going to be busy, so I’m not going to be able to go over there.
Me: What about Pete (brother)?
Austin: He’s in Indiana.
Me: So you’re going to be home?
Austin nodded.
Me: The whole weekend? With me?
Me: The SD on the current project I’m on has lost her husband. Not recently, within the last year or so. Nevertheless, she keeps mentioning, “When my husband was alive”, “before my husband die”. It makes me think about how much I love you and how much I’d hurt if I lost you.
I go over and hug him.
Austin: Me too. I thought about it a lot after we watched that sad cartoon.
Me: What cartoon?
Austin: Canvas.
Me: Oh.
A very good short film. Very moving.
Me: Anyway, I’ve just thinking how much I love you and don’t want anything to happen to you.
Austin, very quickly: Me too. You’re my whole world.
Me: That sounded convincing.
Austin: Okay. You’re eighty percent of my world. Cassie takes up the other twenty percent.
I got out of the shower. Then I asked Austin what underwear I should wear. Remember, now that Austin is a Meundies fanatic, all of our underwear matches.
Austin: I don’t know if I’ll take a shower today.
Me: So? I want to know what underwear we’re going to wear today. Alligators, bees?
Austin: If I don’t shower, I won’t change my underwear. I’m just wear the same ones I’m wearing now.
THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So this happened.
Austin, giving me a sideways glance: Is there anything you want to tell me?
This knife maker is named Rachel.
And this is our dog, Cassie. That bandana looks mighty familiar.
We had blue icing on an angel food cake. As Austin & I avoid icing, due to calories and fat, Cassie got all the icing. For the next couple of days, her poop was a brilliant shade of green.
Austin: Let’s save it and use it as finger paint.
Sorry, no pics of the poo. That would just be gross.
Since I’m working, Austin & I are sharing laundry duties. I separated the laundry into piles and Austin was switching it from washer to dryer, etc. After work, I took over and finished. As I was putting away my half of the laundry, I found of pair of Austin’s underwear mixed in with my clothes.]
Me, strutting into his room with said undies: Someone didn’t do a very good job of sorting the laundry after it was clean.
Austin: You did that. You did the blues. I know, ‘cause I was taking a nap and you put my pile of blues in the corner. The rest of my laundry was in that pile.
Me: I said someone.
My mother-in-law saw this decal and thought it looked like Cassie, so she got it for us. Austin was looking for a place to hang it.
Me: You seriously want to stick that on an appliance?
I used a magnet to hang it on the fridge.
Austin: You’ve got it up too high. If Cassie were in the fridge, it should be down here, as if Cassie were walking out of the fridge.
Me: No. It has to be like she’s busting out of the fridge. Besides, down there are the crisping drawers. She can’t bust out of those. It has to be aligned with the shelves.
Austin, moving it to the oven: Or we could put it here.
Me: Oh, come on. You’re going to get the ASPCA over here.
I was using the last of the sugar in the canister before emptying it out.
Me: This sugar down here is extra chunky. It’s probably been three years since I’ve washed this thing out.
Austin: It’s more flavorful and rich.
Me: Like aged wine?
Austin: Yeah. I think instead of washing it out, you should refill it. Then in another three years we can study the layers like geologists.
Said sugar canister. Every time it gets low, Austin just refills it. Unlike the trashcan, Austin is grossly aware of the sugar and doesn’t let it get even close to empty, so this was an effort to finally empty it out and get it washed.
Me: I think you shouldn’t boil those potatoes for so long.
Austin: You think a lot of things that don’t impact my life on a day-to-day basis.
Austin & I aren’t the kind of couple who spends all our time together. As over a year in COVID has passed, how can you stand it? Really? How?
After doing laundry, I discovered that one of my green footies was missing. Also known as an ankle sock.
Me: I misplaced one of my green footies. If you see a green footie, please return it to me.
Austin: If I find it, I will write a ransom note and include a tiny corner of the green fabric.
I worked in the yard last night for over an hour and I worked in the yard again for almost an hour this morning.
Me, rubbing my back: My back aches like crazy.
Austin: I hope you didn’t catch my ankylosing spondylitis.
I was watching the Cult: Manson family murders on YouTube, as narrated by Stephanie Harlowe.
Austin: What are you watching?
So I told him.
Austin: Oh, I thought it was Marilyn Manson.
Austin & I went to visit his parents. I love Austin’s family, but they smoke, so the first thing we always do when we get home is to strip and do laundry. I took Austin’s freshly washed button-down shirt to his room and hung it up. I went back to my room (remember, Austin & I have separate bedrooms) to finish doing the laundry.
Me, going back to his room: We’ll have to remember to wear our Baby Yoda underwear together now that they’re clean.
Me, noticing the shirt I just hung up on his bed.
Me: I just hung that up.
Austin: Yeah, but you hung it on the wrong hanger. The plastic hangers are for heavier items. I have wire hangers for light-weight items like button-down shirts.
Me: This is why I have fantasies about Yan Wushi.
My current lust:
I don’t own the rights to this photo. Yan Wushi from Thousand Autumns or Qian Qiu, a Chinese anime.
Austin & I were talking about money. I’m frugal and passed judgement on spendthrifts.
Austin: A lot of people are emotional buyers.
Me: I guess that’s why I’m good with money. I’m not emotional.
Austin made a slight turn of the head.
Me: You don’t think I’m emotional, do you?
Austin, no response.
Me: I’m not emotional, right?
Austin, still no response.
Me: Answer me.
Austin: I thought it was a rhetorical question.
Austin needed gas, so we had to zigzag from downtown to Coshocton Ave. Austin has been on Coshocton Ave. dozens of times, but never zigzagged from downtown. My mother, who was born in Mt. Vernon, was in the backseat with us.
Me, as he starts the car: Do you know where we are now?
Austin, veering right out of the exit: Yes.
Me: It’s a left.
A few minutes later, heading down Vernondale Dr.
Me, again: Do you know how to get home from here?
Austin: Yes. Even if I didn’t, you’d tell me if I made a wrong turn. And if you missed it, your mother get it.
A birthday tradition, I make tiramisu for Austin, since it’s his favorite dessert. His sister is a recovering alcoholic, so I’ve been switching up my recipe so she can still partake. Also, I’m allergic to coffee.
Austin: Last time, I thought the ladyfingers were too dry. I’d like to split the batch in half and do one with coffee and rum, then you can do your half with the coffee-substitute and the rum substitute. And I want to be in the kitchen and help you make it and try it and test it out and adjust it while you’re making it.
Me, saying nothing.
Austin: And you’re thinking, ‘You’re not going to be helping me. You’re going to be in the way. And you’re going to end up make twice the number of dirty dishes by dividing the dessert in half and making my work double.’
Me: It’s so nice when you can read my mind.
Me: Happy Birthday, Bubby.
Austin: Happy Birthday.
Me: ????
Austin: I mean, thank you.
Ohio is going through a cold spell.
Austin: It. Is. Chilly.
Me: Are you sure it isn’t chicken noodle?
Austin: My boss just called to follow up on how I’m doing after getting my COVID vaccination.
Me: That was sweet.
Austin: She told me if I feel like poo, don’t force myself to go to work. [pause] I don’t know about calling off if I feel like poo.
Me: Now, if you smell like poo, that’s different.
We have a ton of fruit flies at our house. So, I take my trusty-dusty home ready, vinegar in a covered cup, small hole so flies can get to the vinegar.
Within an hour, fruit flies were floating corpses. Excited, I drag Austin in, show him my wonderful contraption.
Austin: That’s nothing to be impressed with. Doug Marcaida [Forged in Fire] would shake his head.
Me: He would say, “It weel keel.”
While watching Forged in Fire reruns: Season Two, Episode Eight.
Tonight, on Forged in Fire, we’re going to watch knives cut through .... Bread.
Me: Guest starring Alton Brown.
Austin: I can cut bread with a spoon.
Somehow, I used up my stock of any occasion cards. Also, we had an unseasonable snow shower. Also, once a week, with COVID-19, the family has been getting take-out. Yep, it’s also take-out time.
Me: I have to run up to the dollar store to buy a birthday card for my sister. I’m not looking forward to digging my car out of the snow.
Austin: If you wait, the snow will melt off. You could also wait until you go to pick up take-out.
Me, looking at Austin like he’s insane.
Austin: Just run in before you go pick it up.
Me, still gawking.
Austin: It only takes a minute.
Me: Clearly, you do not understand the importance of picking out the perfect card.
Me: You’re gorgeous.
I studied Austin’s face, the reassuring morning smile. The tuft of hair on his chin. I hate his beard.
Me: You’re be even more gorgeous if you’d shave that hair on your face.
Austin: Which one? [Pointing at his eyebrow] This one?
Me: When do you want to have sex this weekend?
Austin: I don’t know.
Me: You’re all into planning meals, weeks in advance sometimes. Nice to know your priorities.
Austin, whiney noises.
Me: Look, it’s going to be a busy weekend. You’re going out with your brother on Saturday, we’re going to see your parents on Sunday. I don’t want to miss out on our once-a-week extravangza.
Austin: I’ll get a schedule together and e-mail you.
Austin & I finally got around to watching the new Mulan. After watching the scene where the General suggests arranging a marriage between Mulan and his daughter, Austin & I roared laughter.
Austin: Wow, Disney. You went there. Next Disney flick, Mickey Mouse will have a beer while Donald Duck is smoking a bong.
Austin was thinking about putting on a coat before we leave today. Then he stopped.
Me: Exactly, that’s what I was thinking. It’s 32 now, but it’s supposed to get up to 60. Then it supposed to get back down to 32. It’s like my measurements. 32 60 32.
Austin has been working from home since COVID hit. Today, our internet has been going in and out.
Austin: I couldn’t get any work done. I tried and tried and I finally decided to stop. I’m only frustrating myself.
Me: And your wife. Let’s not underestimate the importance of frustrating your wife.
While watching Forged in Fire.
Me: If I ever happen to meet Doug Marcaida and our eyes happen to meet and we have that magic moment, where our hearts start to pound and we’re both ready to throw in everything and he says to me—
Austin: It will kill.
Yesterday, Austin & I were driving around Columbus. Siri kept telling us, “Exit Sr minus 62. Go north on Interstate minus 270.”
Yes, it was really was saying minus.
Austin: Dash.
Smh.
Me: We need to go visit your parents this weekend too.
Austin: Oh yeah, that’s right. [Glumly, as if getting presents is a chore.] My mom is going to ask me what I want for my birthday.
Me: Tell her you got everything when you met me.
Austin: Tiramisu.
Me: Which I make for you every birthday. And a blowjob, which I give you every birthday.
Austin: I’m not going to put that on a list for my mom.
So, last night, Austin wanted ice cream. The night before I wanted ice cream. So when Austin mentioned ice cream, I ran to the dollar store and bought 2 packages of ice cream. By the looks of their cases, Austin & I were not the only ones who experienced an ice cream emergency.
Me, hugging Austin: Do you know how much I love you?
Austin: Enough to go get pizza for dinner.
Me, coming out of the embrace.
Austin: Is that a no?
Me: I dropped everything and ran out and got ice cream yesterday. Now you want me to run out and get pizza? By myself?
Austin: That was a test. You failed.
For some reason, Austin & I were reminiscing about the time we had a bat in our house.
Me: I can’t believe your mom and X both were like, “You should have killed it.”
Austin: We used to get bats in the house all the time when I was little. My mom really believed killing them was the only way to keep them out.
Me: I’ve had three bats in this house in over 20 years. Bats do not go and tell their friends to come to our house.
Austin: Not with our cats. Those bats are thankful to get out alive. They warn their friends to stay away from our house. Poor traumatized bat.
Me: Y was proud of me for not killing it. We don’t kill things in our house. Bees, bats, spiders, they’re all useful creatures and help nature. We do not murder—
Austin: It’s not murder. They’re breaking into our house. It’s self-defense.
I have had a ton of friend requests from handsome widowers who are Americans, but are in other countries. Seriously, I’m getting a request every few days.
Me: Clearly I’m not posting enough about the joys of being a married woman.
Austin & I were taking Cassie (our dog) out for a walk. It’s my job to clean up after her.
Me: Good Lord, look at the size of that poo. She just pooed this morning. That dog shouldn’t be able to have that much poo in her body.
Austin: Practice makes perfect.
Austin turned on Netflix and put this show on.
Me: I don’t think it’s related to the musical.
Austin: Quinoa, lentils, spinach. We’re regular health nuts.
Me: I don’t think anyone who eats as much chocolate as you and I do can qualify as health nuts.
Me: I started watching that Age of Samurai show on Netflix.
Austin: How was it?
Me: Pretty good. It wasn’t what I wanted. I’ve been more into China lately and Japanese history is really different. But it was still pretty good. All the talk of the warring sects was like the sects in Untamed.
Austin: I’m sure it’s nothing like the sex in Untamed.
Me: &*@^&
Austin: New drinking game. Ever time a judge on Cooks vs. Cons says, “That’s a pro move,” you have to take a drink.
Me: Have I told you enough today that I love you?
Austin, shrugging: Eh.
Me: Well, I want you to know, just in case I die from eating raw bacon bits, that I love you.
We keep raw bacon bits in the freezer. I happen to love bacon, so I never buy it, but bacon bits, I can eat a handful of those now and then without too many repercussions.
Austin: Don’t eat raw bacon bits out of the freezer! We have nuts, chocolate, all kinds of things in the snack cupboard.
Me: Oh my goodness. I never guessed my husband was going to give me grief for eating bacon bits.
Austin: I’m not giving you grief for eating bacon bits. I’m giving you grief for eating raw bacon bits. I’ve told you before that they’re raw and need cooked before consuming.
Me: So, are you going to go off on me for eating raw cookie dough?
Austin: No. The only problem with raw cookie dough is eggs. Minuscule amount of egg. Bacon is pork. You shouldn’t eat raw pork.
Me: Well, I’m make sure I won’t let you catch me eating raw bacon bits again.
Austin made dinner, chicken and quinoa.
Austin: You shouldn’t need a knife.
Me, grabbing a knife from the butcher block: I don’t trust you.
Austin: Then you should carry a knife with you all the time.
I was browsing the Vosges Haut Chocolat Website.
Austin: See anything on there that you want for Valentine’s Day?
Me, looking at the Bastet Collection: I was looking at this one for $160.
Austin: Ouch. That’s why they’re advertising “Self-Love”, because you’re going to have to buy that yourself.
Austin: I’m so shocked by poor quality chocolate. I just can’t stand Kit-Kats and Hershey’s anymore. I use to love them.
Me: I know. John gave me Kit-Kats and Reese’s all the time this past Christmas and I just didn’t have the heart to tell him it was poor quality chocolate. I couldn’t even post comments on FB about it, because it would have hurt his feelings.
Austin: It’s the thought that counts.
Me: I will never discourage a man from thinking.
So, the hubs brought up a morbid subject. Stick with it. There is a punchline.
We’ve got close to a foot of snow right now. I haven’t been able to compost this month.
Austin: If Cassie died right now, since she’s a big dog and we wouldn’t be able to bury her, what would you do with her.
Me, really disgusted by the subject: Well, I had a cat that died in the winter in the past. I put her in a plastic bag, hid her in the bushes, then buried the whole bag when the ground was thawed. I’d probably do something similar with Cassie. Wrap her in a blanket, hide her body so the neighbors wouldn’t see, then bury it after the ground thaws.
Austin: That makes me sad.
Me: I don’t like thinking about it either. But I’ve buried my share of cats. I’m fairly sure I can handle burying a dog.
Austin: I’ve buried a dog.
After a moment of silence, Austin: I’m working my way up to people.
Austin: How long have we have the rice cooker?
Me: I can’t keep track of how long we’ve been married. You think I know how long we’ve had the rice cooker?
Me: I made an apple pie. It was really good when it first came out of the oven.
Austin: So it’s not very good now?
Me: Also, the nutmeg is a little over pronounced.
Austin: So is it NUT-meg or nut-mmmmmeg?
Austin is the gift that keeps on giving.
Me: I’ve got a whole clump of gray hairs right here up front.
Austin: They’ve gotten together to celebrate your birthday.
Austin is watching Stargate SG1, a show his friends have all loved in the past, but he's never tried before. He's in love with it now.
Austin: If I were trapped on the other side of a stargate for fifty years, would you come find me?
Me: Fifty years later?
Austin: You're saying you would move on?
Me: After fifty years, yeah.
Austin: You'd just go on with your life? You wouldn't come to find me?
Me: Fifty years later? I'd be around 95 or 96. I'd be close to death, if not dead.
Austin: So you wouldn't even try.
Me: That's right.
Austin: Even though I love you and would need you desperately.
Me: You'd be in your mid-eighties, so you'd be in the same boat. Near death if not dead.
Austin: I can't believe you wouldn't even try.
Me: Let's be realistic. You wouldn't be able to survive more than a week or two without me.
So the Christmas job is over.
Me: I'm free to let my leg hair grow out now.
Austin: You could shave it to make your husband happy.
Me: Nah.
Austin: I shave for you.
Me, tugging on his beard: No, you don't.
Austin: I shave other things for you.
Me: I shave my couter for you.
Austin: I shave my armpits for you.
Me: Don't give me that crap. You shaved those long before I came along.
Austin: It's winter. I'm cold.
Refer to:
if you don't get why this is funny.
Austin switches on the light on the oven, inspects the shepherd's pie that's baking.
Me: What are you doing?
Austin: I just wanted to see how dinner looked.
Me: Pretty much the same as on the box.
Austin: Well, fine. I smelled burning, so I was checking to see if you left the film on the dinner.
Me: I didn't leave the film on the box.
Austin: It wouldn't be the first time.
Me: *&@^&
Austin: Look, I was going to lie to you, but you were the one who insisted on the truth.
Austin: Movies in the steam punk genre usually don't work. I mean, there's that one really old movie, Dark City. That one's amazing.
Me: Never heard of it.
Austin: It has that guy in it. He's in lots of stuff.
So I look it up on IMDB.com.
Me: I knew it.
Austin: What?
Me: Old is 1998.
Austin: Yeah, that's old.
Me: Old is like the 30's, 40's, 50's. 1998 is a little over 20 years old.
Austin: Anything from when I was little or in school is old.
Me: I can’t believe our 8 year wedding anniversary is coming up.
Austin: We’ve been married 8 years? Are you sure?
