Overworked

Sunday is the only day Austin and I get to spend much time together.
Austin: I wish we didn't have to work so much.
Me: I wish I didn't have to work so much. I don't mind that you have to work.

Hunky-Dory

Me and Austin were discussing grocery shopping.
Me: That'd be hunky-dory.
Austin: Well, I might be dory, but I don't think I'm the hunky part.
Me: You're not. That's why I didn't stop at the hunky part and kept going with the dory part.

Memory

Austin: I think I have a very good memory.
Me: You don't.
Austin: You think you have a very good memory.
Me: I do.
Austin: It's not as good as you think.
Me: I don't remember who I've told what, but that's people. I don't like people.
Austin: You also don't remember when you're wrong.
I should have told him I remembered marrying him, but trying to do the whole Christmas spirit last all year thing.

Frequent Shopper Card

I'm going to end up with a frequent shopper card to the Lion's Den if I don't get to see my husband more often soon.

Pick 'Em

Austin introduced me to one of his co-workers today, one of his assistants. She was telling me how lovely I was and what a beautiful couple Austin and I make.

Co-worker: Austin certainly knows how to pick 'em.

Austin: But Rachel doesn't. She picked me.

Ankles

No alcohol, drugs or anything induced this conversation . . .
Me: Do you know why we have ankles?
Austin: I think it's so we can run and stuff.
Me: That's what feet are for.
Austin, long, involved explanation about bones and muscles and how they're all attached and work together.
Me: But your ankles stick out. It's just kind of weird.
Austin: Your nose sticks out. That's kind of weird. What's your nose for?
Me: Smelling.
Austin: No, the holes are for smelling. The thing on top just sticks out. You don't need that part. We could just have slits. Those would be as good.
Me: I've said that about a million times.
Austin: No you haven't. You've said that about twice. Who have you said that to a million times?

Office Romance

One of my married, gay co-worker friends and I are having a fun little flirtation.
Homosexual co-worker: I'm off. I won't be back till After New Year.
Me: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, lover.
Co-worker X: I'm gonna tell your husband.
Me: He knows.

Stirring Occasionally

So, Austin brought home a meal in a bag both yesterday and today. I don't remember what the one from yesterday was called, but the one today was Bertoli's.
Me, as he's preparing: And be sure to actually stir it this time.
Austin: It said to stir occasionally.
Me: You stirred it once.
Austin: Yeah, that's occasionally.
Me: No, that's once.
Austin: Christmas happens occasionally.
Me: No, holidays happen occasionally. Christmas happens once a year.
Austin: Fine. Since you think you can make dinner better than me, you can stir it.
Me: Oh no, you're stirring it. If I did everything around that house that I do better than you, I'd be doing almost everything around the house. Oh wait--

Big Packages

Austin's Christmas gifts arrived today. It was a little late, but it made it.
Austin: That's for me? All of it?
Me: Yep.
Austin: Big packages are awesome or wait. Good things come in small packages. What comes in big packages?
Me: Things for you.

Chores

My boss came over to chat with us, full of Christmas cheer. He teases one co-worker for not being done.
Boss, to me: You're done.
Me: My family doesn't do anything. Now Austin's family . . . and on December 25, Austin will come to me about his stuff and I'll end up taking care of whatever Austin doesn't finish.
My boss, round-faced, blue eyes wide, mouth open. I shrug it off. My boss reacted with such shock, I felt bad for bashing Austin. I generally don't mind helping and Austin's been so much better about taking care of his own %&#.
I got off work so early and had to pick up choco chips to finish a project, so I offered to pop in to pick up a this or that for who and them wherever.
Austin: Nah, I have to pick up X anyway.
Me: Fine.
So I get chips. I'm in my car. Not pulled out of the parking lot yet.
Austin calls me on my cell: I was thinking, if I pick up dinner, it will be cold by the time I Alpha Beta Zed. Would you do it for me?
Me: Sure.
Then I went to YYYYY and it was a madhouse. And then I stood in line. The line was clogging up the aisles it was so long. Then the attendant had so many people to help she kept abandoning me when I finally got to the front. I turn to the woman next to me and start singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
Finally, I get checked out and get to leave.
Then suddenly, I don't feel so bad for bashing Austin about not doing his own chores.

I Got Your Nose!

Me, teasing Austin: I got your nose [and I do the thing with my thumb like a nose].

Austin: Give it back! I can't smell without it.

Me: Yes you can. You smell plenty.

Interpretive Dance

Me: I will never be able to tell you how much I love you.
Austin: Interpretive dance is an excellent medium. 

 

I write little notes to myself about Austin's quips so I don't forget to post them. 

So a few days later, Austin was going through the papers at my desk.

Austin: I will never be able to tell you how much I love you. Interpretive dance is an excellent medium. You never said that.

Me: No, %^$#. You said it.

Engaged, the Memories

December 19, 2012: The five-year anniversary of Austin proposing to me. Remember that we got married on January 12, 2013. The reception hall was rented, my house was cluttered with decorations and I had to-do lists coming out of my ^&#%&. 

Austin was kissing me goodnight. 

Austin: So, you wanna be my wife? 

Me: Yes. 

We kiss again. 

Me: So, is that my official proposal? 

Him: Yeah. I was gonna wait for it to snow, but it's been so warm lately. 

Me: It's supposed to snow tomorrow. 

Him: Oh. 

So that's the official proposal. 

Five years ago. SMH. And he's still mine and no one else wants him.

Platonic Love

A (female) co-worker and I declared our love for each other today. Poor Austin. What will he say?

Homemade Sprite

Austin: I mixed some tonic water and limes, thinking it'd be kind of like Sprite. It's not. In fact, it's kind of gross. You want to try some?
Me, all like you can't be serious and Austin giving me puppy dog eyes. So I try it. And it was sour, like sucking a hundred limes. Squishy face and tongue out. Go to bathroom and swish with Listerine.
I return a few minutes later, reading some French.
Austin: Do you want some more?

Love Note

I wrote Austin a love note, told him I loved him, but not because of his money. For his soul. You know, BS.

Austin: Thank you for the note.
Me: You like it when I tell you I don't love you for your money?
Austin: I like it when you tell me you love me in general.
Me: How about in captain?
Austin: And in corporal.

Secret Santa

Austin, text one: We're having a Secret Santa exchange at work. Describe me in three words.

Before I can reply, Austin, text two: It has to be work-appropriate.

My first response: Bizarre hippy gourmet.

My second: Radical Dungeon Master.

The Ceiling

Austin told me I had a little dirt on my cheek and how cute it looked (especially avec mon bonnet de douche).

Austin, switching his phone to selfie mode: Here, look.

Me: An all-time low, using your camera as a mirror.

It looks like I got this done in a day, but it took a month between letting the plaster dry and work.

And pics, in case you care. The last one, that's as good as it's getting. I give up.

Stomach Grumbling

I go into the kitchen.
Austin: I mixed the bacon and blah blah blah, but I can't finish it because blah blah blah.
I go through the fridge for some munchies. Austin keeps talking. Nothing strikes my fancy in the fridge.
Me: Why is there no bacon?
Austin: Because I cut it up and put it in with the quiche mix. We have more bacon if you want to cook it.
Me: No. Why don't we have quiche yet?
Austin: Because I have to wait for the pie crust to reach room temperature. You realize I just told you this not five minutes ago and this proves you weren't listening to me.
I leave the room without food or comment.

Anniversaries

Me: X forgot about his wedding anniversary.

Austin: What did his husband say?

Me: It's OK. He forgot too.

Austin: Maybe I should have married a man.

Me, the look.
Me: They should do what we did and have dating on one birthday and our wedding on the other.
Austin: Yeah, very easy. Wedding on January twelfth.
Me, looking at him.
Austin: It is, isn't it?
Me, still staring.
Austin: It is? Rachel, isn't it?

Picture

Austin: My class was asking to see pictures of you and since I got my new phone, I took the pictures out of my wallet and we can't have phones on at work . . . so no pictures. One of my students said, "I know exactly what kind of woman your wife is. She's young, she's beautiful and she's all hippy."
Me, rolling laughter.
Austin: Well, you're beautiful.

Me: You just say that because you have to live with me.

Apps

Austin: This phone has a compass. I also downloaded a translator app for our France trip next year. Oh it costs. Never mind.

Background Noise

I was working on the ceiling. Austin got up as I was working, so I paused Moana. Austin started telling me about his day, work, the people in his class. I return to working on the ceiling.
Austin: Are you watching Moana?
Me: Not really. I just put it on while I'm working, so that I have some noise in the background. But since you're up, you're my noise now.
Austin: I knew you were going to say that.

Siri

I went to my room to put away laundry.
Austin, knocking on my door: Can I bother you?
Me: Yes, you frequently do.
Austin: You want to play with Siri with me?
Austin asks it a few questions.
Austin: You want to ask a question? (I signal disinterest) Ask it a question.
Me, groaning: Siri, do I love my husband?
Siri: I'd rather not say.
Me: Ha!
Austin: Siri, where's a good place to hide a body?
Siri: I used to know the answer to that question.

Remember, I just bought jigsaw blades. I'm ready.

Jigsaw Blades

While fixing the ceiling, we needed a new blade for the jigsaw (the one we got at a yard sale for $1.00).

Me: The hardware up the street is still open. They'll have a blade. The only bad thing about that place is that you have to use case or check.

Austin: They don't take Apple Pay?!?!?!

iPhone

Austin has been talking about getting an iPhone for months. AND HE FINALLY GOT ONE.
He comes in, opens his brand new phone and hands it to me. So I start playing with it.
Austin: I went in to pick it up and blah blah blah blah blah blah. And these are the directions.
Me, still looking at the phone: Mhmmm.
Austin: I know you're not listening to me. I shouldn't have handed you the phone first. Can you at least look up for a minute so I can show you the directions?
Me: Mhmmm (acknowledging the couple of pages vs the book Verizon gave us).
Austin: And this is the key. And you're already not listening to me again.

Patching the Hole

Remember when the ceiling collapsed? Finally getting around to fixing it.

Me, wailing about the difficulty of fixing the ceiling, because it's made of plaster.

Me: It's not going to be as easy as it looked in that one video. I'm not going to be able to screw through plaster. The wood slats are too close to the plaster bit, so I'm not going to be able to fit two by fours up there. And that hole is 30 inches by 19 inches. That's not a patch job. But it will get done. And I know one thing. When I patch my hole, it's gonna look better than when Mom patched her hole. And don't say what you're thinking.

Austin, snickering. 

A Beard

Mom & I discussing happiness.
Me: You have to be happy yourself. Things don't make you happy. People can't make you happy.
Mom: I know at least one person who makes you happy. He has a beard.
I immediately think Santa Claus and smile.
Mom: And long hair.
Me: Oh. 

Yeah, my husband, completely Santa.

More Iron Fist

Watching more Iron Fist.
Me: You know that guy was probably 33 when this was shot.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: He doesn't look as old to me now.
Austin: Yeah.
Me: I think it's mostly the hair.
Austin: And the suit. They've made him up to look older. You could make me up to look 40.
Me: Easily.
Austin: Especially if I took out my teeth.

Christmas Presents

Austin: I don't know what to get my brother for Christmas.

Me: You were really nice to him for his birthday. Just something small will do.

Austin: I love my bro.

Me: Which shows poor judgment on your part.

Austin: Yep, and I also married you.

Marshmallow Cocoa Mugs

The tiny marshmallows on top are called micromallows on the package.

Austin: I can't wait to break into those [micromallows]. I'm gonna put a whole handful in my hot chocolate.

Me: Be sure to leave enough for my marshmallow project.

Austin eyes the package of thousands.

Austin: I think you've got enough.

Grizzly Adams

Austin's beard looks a little gnarled, so I compared him to Grizzly Adams.

Austin: Who's that?

Thank you for making me feel old.

Me: He's sort of like Bear Grylls.

Austin: Does he drink his own urine too?

Me: No. He hangs out with bears and is a general nature guy.

After a pause, Austin: I think I'd rather hang out with bears than drink my own urine.

Me: Me too.

Riesling

I asked Austin to pick up some Barefoot Riesling, because I like to have it on hand for spaghetti sauce. Or in case I suddenly decide to become a raging alcoholic.
Well, the grocery was out of Barefoot. So Austin thought this an equitable replacement.

November 28

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago (OK, three years ago) I was not thinking of Emun Elliott's birthday at all on November 28.

November 28, 2014,  I wore my black Halloween sweatshirt in protest of Black Friday and all this Christmas nonsense starting so early. No one noticed. 

Austin: You need to step up your game.

BTW, Happy Birthday to Emun Elliott!

Happy Birthday, Mommy!!!!

Today is Mom's birthday and she's had her birthday restaurant picked out for at least a month. At 9:30, Austin still wasn't up so I went in to check on him.
Austin: That's today? I thought your mom was born on the twenty-eighth.
Me: No, that's Emun Elliott. Mom's is today.
So Austin goes back to sleep. I cuddle up on the bed and play on his iPad.
Austin, a few minutes later: Can you move? I want to get up. You're on the blankets.
So I get up. He yanks the bedding up and rolls over and goes back to sleep. He's up now.

Pumpkin Pie

Baking a pumpkin pie this morning, the center just wouldn't solidify and the edges were starting to crack. Every two minutes, I was checking it.
Me: I can't get this pie to set in the middle.
Austin: I'm sure it will taste great.
Me: I'm not worried about the taste. I can't serve a dry cracked pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.
Austin: Your pumpkin pies are fantastic, delicious.
Me: Thanks.
Austin: Every time we bring one to Mom's the first thing my mom says when you leave the room is that your pumpkin pie is dried and cracked.

I was obsessing over this pie. I forgot to turn it during the baking, so one side was burned, the other not. Austin gave me grief because I was busting off the crust edges where it had burned.

Me: I'm not taking a burned crust to your mother's house.

Austin: Don't be so hard on yourself. Mom has had a lot worse things in her house than this.

Fondly, I thought of some of the cooking experiments that have graced our Thanksgivings.

Austin: Like my brother's fiancee.

Forty

Watching Iron Fist, Austin: If he was 15 years old fifteen years ago, that would make him 30. No way. The guy playing that character is older than that. He looks 40. If he's thirty, he's a smoker, he's not using facial cream.
Me, checking the actor on IMDB: He was born in 82, so he's 35.
Austin: Oh my god, you're kidding. He's two years older than me. Do I look that bad? (slides to the mirror) I have wrinkles around my eyes like that. I've got a paunch too. Do I look forty? Do you think people think I'm forty?

Breath mints

Austin: Do you have any breath mints?

I hand Austin my Listerine Strips pack.

Austin: Thanks, I smell awful after eating all those onions.

Me: You always smell awful, I was just being nice.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Today, I'm thankful that my washing machine has been fixed. Three loads down, five to go.

I'm glad that my cat Clark is doing better. We had two cat deaths in October. Can't have another that close . . .

And I'm thankful that this man is older than me!  I was beginning to think all the cute ones were younger than me!

Oded Fehr

Today is his birthday. He's 47!!! Older than me!!!! Hooray!!!

Meatballs

I made these spaghetti parmigiana meatballs. I was pretty happy with how they turned out. Austin bit into one and started hacking.
Me: Are you OK?
Austin, still coughing.
Me: Austin?
Austin: I can't eat, talk and choke at the same time.

Triscuits

A box of off-brand Wheat Thins were in my food pile. I don't need Wheat Thins.
Me: Oh crud. I meant to put off-brand Triscuits on the list.
Austin: You did.
I didn't say a word, but Austin recently told me that my expressions are transparent.
Austin: What's wrong?
Me, grudgingly: Those are off-brand Wheat Thins.
Austin: What are Triscuits?
Me: You know Shredded Wheats?
Austin: The basket-weave ones. I almost got those. I'm so sorry.
Me, hugging him: It's all right. I'm just shocked that you don't know what Triscuits are.

Frankendessert

Austin & I were watching Zumbo's Just Desserts. The challenge is making Frankendesserts. Everyone is combining the names of their desserts, Wagon Wheel and Lamington, Wamington, etc.

Austin: If I was in that contest, I'd mix a Frankendessert and a tart and I'd call it a fart.

Whoopsie

I missed posting on 11/19 . . .

So, my husband's core group of friends are gay. One of his closest friends is a drag king. So, in support of her work, he went to one of her shows. Naturally, the people who go to these shows tend to be gay. He was telling me and Mom about his night.

Austin: We were playing a game, 'If you're gay and you know it, clap your hands.' And everyone claps. 'If your straight and you know it clap your hands.' I was the only one who clapped. The MC said, 'Really? With that hair?' And I said, 'Yes, really. I'm married.' They asked who I was married to, so I said, 'The most wonderful woman in the world!' And they gave me a free drink!
Mom: You had to lie for that one.

One Year Key Chain

I was telling Austin about the mini-NOC awards session we had today. A manager and Icarus each gotten their one year key chain.
Me: I remember getting my one year key chain.
Austin: You've probably been at jcp for as long as Icarus has been alive. 

*^)#^*&(*&@%%^&

Fine Chocolate

Me: That's one thing I get testy about with X and Y. They'll talk about fine chocolate and then they'll say Godiva. Like Godiva is the epitome of fine chocolate. I like Godiva and all, but that's just the tip of the ice burg when it comes to fine chocolate. There are so many wonderful chocolate boutiques.
Austin: Like Vosges.
Me: Yeah. You know you're a chocaholic when you plan vacations around the chocolate shops you're visiting. You should see the maps and the chocolate shops I've plotted for visits to New York and Chicago.
Austin: Or your receipts showing you've spent as much in a single day on chocolate as most people buying a new phone.
Me, laughing.
Austin: Or a month's rent.
Me, still laughing.
Austin: You know you have.

Sexy Man

Me: What a gorgeous, sexy man I've married.

Austin: You married someone else?

Me: I didn't want to tell you.

Austin: I think that's illegal.

Me, shrugging.

Austin, hugging me: I just want you to be happy.

Me: Thank you.

And because when I say sexy man, that always brings up images of Emun Elliott, here you go:

 

Nightgown

Me: Did I leave my nightgown in here?
Austin, fetching it: Yes. I was trying it on. It's pretty comfy.
Me: I'll bet it's pretty too.
Austin: It is. I took pictures.
Me: Be sure to forward them to me so I can post them on Facebook.
Austin: That was precisely why I took pictures.

Giving Austin Away

Once again, a co-worker was saying how wonderful Austin is and how mean I am to him.

Me: You don't live with him.

Co-worker: If you want to trade, you can have mine. The one who's in the hospital right now and having tests done to find out why he's dizzy and lost feeling in his limbs.

Me: I want to give Austin away. Not swap.

ATM

Austin got several hundred dollars out of the ATM on our way home and stuffed it in his wallet.

Me: You aren't going to count it?

Austin: I trust the machine.

More laughter from the peanut gallery.

Me: I married an idiot.

Then Mom laughed at me because I apologized for calling Austin an idiot.

Getting Gas

On the way home, Austin needed gas and I mentioned that we should stop at Kroger, so we get three cents off with our Kroger Plus card, so Austin turns into the lot and starts heading for the store.

Me, looking at the pumps behind us, perplexed: What are you doing?

Austin, looking back at the pumps: Oh yeah.

Laughter from the peanut gallery in the backseat.

Me: I half-expected him to have a good answer.

Choosing Lunch

So at the restaurant, I couldn't decide if I should have steak or chicken. So I got out my trusty quarter and flipped it. And Mom made fun of me for it.

Me: Look, I use a quarter to make a lot of important decisions. When I was first dating Austin, I used the quarter to make lots of decisions about our relationship.

Mom, to Austin: And you lost.

Eating Out

Austin & I decided to eat at the local Japanese steakhouse today and Austin asked if I wanted to invite Mom. I said yeah, sure.

Austin: And maybe we can get her to pay.

So I go call Mom.

Mom: Yeah, I'd like to go. And I'll bet Austin would like me to pay.

Me: In fact, yes, Austin would like it if you paid.

Car Horns

I was telling Austin about this recent study I heard on the radio.

Me: Japanese scientists were studying sounds for horns to find out which was the most appealing and they decided duck quacking was the least stressful and the best. So cars of the future will quack like a duck.

Austin: Wait, what do cars have to do with sex? I mean, not the backseat.

Me: What? Where did you get sex from?

Austin: You said it.

Me: No. I was talking about car horns.

Austin: OOOOHHHH!!!! Horns, not porns. OK, that makes a lot more sense.

Occam's Razor

When I was getting out of the shower, Austin sprayed me with the shower head. And I yelled at him.

Austin: I was rinsing suds off of you.

Me: Yeah right.

Austin: Yeah, really. You know what Occam's razor says.

Me: I'll slit your throat with Occam's razor.

Bug Bite

Austin & I were taking a shower together, which we frequently do to save water and add intimacy to our relationship. I had a big red welt on my boob from a bug bite and Austin was staring.

Me: Yeah, I got bit on the tit.

Austin: I didn't do it.

Me: I know. This thing had teeth.

Premarital Sex

My nephew had a girlfriend for about a month, then they broke it off. He's 23, so he shouldn't just now be having his first girlfriend, but the boy has lived a sheltered life. I was telling Austin about it. BTW, my sister, brother-in-law and nephew are ridiculously religious.

Austin: Why did they break up?

Me: She's had premarital sex.

Austin: Well, of course. She's 29.

Me: Yes. And my nephew said he was OK with that as long as she was sorry for her actions. And of course, she's not sorry.

Austin, dumbfounded.

Me: He intends to wait until he's married to have sex.

Austin: But—but sex is so wonderful. And what if your partner is awful?

Me: Most couples don't think sex is that big of a part of their relationship.

Austin: Well, yeah, that's true. But still, you want to know if you're sexually compatible. I mean, I can't imagine waiting till marriage. I mean, that's just ridiculous.

Me: Most people aren't in a relationship for six years before getting married.

Austin: But still. I mean, the first time really sucked and you're always going to be nervous and horrible your first time and really the first three or four times, but then you can start to figure things out. And what if it's horrible? What if you're stuck in a marriage for the rest of your life with someone who's bad at sex?

Honestly, sometimes I don't know what to say to him.

Icarus the Hair God

I mentioned that I was sitting across from Icarus at work for a meeting and noticed he had dark hair peering up from his chest in his slightly opened top button.

Austin: Of course. He's got a full beard and he's like, what, twenty-five?

Me: Yeah, but he's blond.

Austin: Doesn't matter. You can tell he's a hairy guy.

Me, rolling eyes.

Austin: He has a hairy back.

Me: Austin, I'm over him. You can stop. I was just mentioning.

Austin: That's the kind of hair that comes through your clothes. If you hugged him, you'd feel it on his back.

Me: Ooo, Austin. Gross. Stop it.

Austin: I'll bet his shirt is puffy from so much hair padding his body.

Snacking

Me, whining about eating something before going to my brother-in-law's bday bash.

Austin: Have some yogurt.

Me: I don't feel like yogurt.

Austin, pinching me.

Me: I knew you were going to do that.

Austin: Now you have the joy of being right.

Masculine Pads

Austin picked up some pads for me during my time of need. I scanned the receipt to see what I owed him, couldn't find them.

Me: Oh, feminine pads. As opposed to masculine pads.

Austin: If I wore them, they'd be masculine.

Me: No they wouldn't.

Entertainment

Me: Are you going to entertain me today?

Austin: If you mean have sex with you, yes, I'd love to have sex with you today.

And on a side note:

The big story on the radio this morning: The number one way to help save the planet, Don't have kids! 

Yea! Austin and I are saving the planet!!!

Halloween Costume

Austin told me to bring an extra set of clothes to work on Halloween in case I get uncomfortable and want to change and I told him no. Well . . . Halloween isn't so fun after a few hours.

Me: I'm not going to go so far as to say you were right--

Austin: I know you're not going to say I'm right.

Me, bursting into laughter.

Austin: So I'll say it. I was right.

Shaving

Austin: I shaved my beard.
Me: And yet, it's still on your face.
Austin: Of course, where else would it be? On my shoulder? On my forehead?
Me: In the trash.

Chin Hair

Austin's chin hair needs a trim, but he told me it was impossible.
Austin: The beard gods don't want that. When I tried to use my electric razor on it, the battery died. So I can't.
Me: Mhmmm.
Austin: My real goal is to get it long enough so I can dread it.
Me: You get it long enough and I'll dread it.

Soap

After I got out of the shower, I went to Austin's room to say goodnight.

Me: Wow, it stinks to high heaven in here.

Austin: Well, you smell like Heaven.

Me: That's soap.

Urges

Sorry, running a little late. I worked 56 hours last week and I live an hour from work, so with drive time and getting ready for work, I've haven't done anything but eat and sleep and work.

I hugged Austin while he was in the kitchen making an icy drink.

Austin, ice tray in hand: I'm resisting the urge to dump all this ice down your back because I know you'd hate it.

I squeeze harder.

Austin: I'm resisting it.

Me, punching him in the chest.

Austin: Ouch, I resisted the urge.

Me: That's so you'll learn not to have those urges.

Austin: I'm still going to have those urges. You've taught me not to tell you what I'm thinking.

Grocery List Grab Bag!

Prizes to those who can tell me what flavors of Greek yogurt Austin has added to the grocery list. I finally figured out that "siren" was "straw[berry]" and blue, obviously, but Hook or blade, je ne sais pas, and the word after that, I know what it says, because I told him to add it, but God help me if someone thinks that's legible. Coconut is the one that's crossed off.

Character Creation Continued

Austin: Thank you for helping me with character creation.
Me: Well, if I could have helped you not create them, it would have been better.
Austin: No, you signed up for this. These are like my babies. You have to help me.
Me: Uh-huh.
Austin: Also, you have to keep me from making them too handsome.

Character Creation

Austin: You're just in time.
Me: Astound me.
Austin: I need your help with character creation.
Me: It's too late for you.
Austin, pointing at the game on the TV: Ha ha, I want you to help me make this guy look like me, but more manly.
Me: Good luck.

Visa Bill

Me: I got my visa bill with my car repair bill on it. Oh my God! I don't have that kind of money. But we get paid this week.
Austin, very solemn: Well, if you need money--
Me: I know, my mom's always available.
Austin: Well, actually, I was going to say for sexual favors, I would be willing. I don't think your Mom would be.
Me: Thanks, I'll manage.

The Grocery List

Austin texted me at work to make sure I picked up half and half, Greek yogurt and coffee at the grocery store. I got home, was putting away groceries and discovered seven cups of Greek yogurt in the fridge and an eleven ounce bag of coffee on the counter.

$110,000

Me: The house behind us that's for sale.
Austin: Yeah?
Me: They're asking $110,000.
Austin: What!!!
Me: They painted the house and put on a new roof.
Austin: So? The house is still here in the middle of nowhere. It's a ranch house.
Me: I know.
Austin: What are they thinking? Unless it has a three story basement.

Austin then spent the rest of the morning speculating about what could be in that basement. Like a parking garage or a swimming pool.

Austin: A swimming pool would be awesome.

Me: Yeah, I could drown you in it. And the police would never find you, because no one would know about this awesome basement.

Austin: Nah. You're more creative than that.

No Drama

Me: I was IM'ing Skippy this morning, just enough to say hi, how are you.
Austin: That's nice.
Me: We both love our jobs and our spouses. No drama in our lives.
Austin: You could make up some. 'Austin's just so frustrating. His schlong just grew ten inches overnight. I'm so upset. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.'

Dream on, Lover.

The Turkey Talking

Me, Mom and Austin went to lunch together. I had the turkey platter, Mom had fish & soup, Austin had a brunch special, eggs Benedict.
As we were leaving, Me: You are so gorgeous and wonderful. I'm so lucky to have you.
Mom: That's the turkey talking.
Me: I haven't heard Austin say a word.

Lunch Plans

Austin & I were discussing lunch tomorrow. Then we settled plans.
Me: I'm going to call Mom, let her know.
Austin: OK, but I don't think she'll hear you from here. Try going out on the porch and calling from there.

Cold

I squealed and Austin, being a good husband, dashed to the bathroom.

Austin: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah. I sprayed myself with perfume and the chill jolted me.
Austin: I think it's time to turn on the furnace.

Scones

Austin made scones.
Austin: How do you like them?
Me: They're pretty good. I don't much care of the chocolate chips.
Later, Austin, hugging me: I love you, even though you have poor taste.
Me: That's lucky for you.

Back to Normal

Me: Are you training again tomorrow?
Austin: No, I'm back to normal.
It would have been easy, soooo easy, but I didn't say it. This isn't a sign that I'm evolving.

Did You?

Austin: Did you go to X today?
Me: No. I told you, I didn't feel like.
Austin: I know you didn't go yesterday, but I wasn't sure about today.
Me: I just told you that, like four hours ago.
Austin: Oh, was that today? I thought that was yesterday. I've got my days mixed up.
At least he's listening to me.

The "D" Word

Austin bought a package of cream cheese at this specialty meat market and he paid $1.79 for it. Plain old package of 8 oz cream cheese. I told him that was a ridiculous price, but he did it anyway. I told him I was going to be mad at him for a while. We went home, had a nice dinner, watched some TV.
Austin: I'm glad I got the extra package of cream cheese. The cheese ball needed it.
Me, aggravated that he's bringing it up after our spat had blown over: Don't make me bring up the "D" word.
Austin: What "D" word?
Me: You know what "D" word.
Austin: There's lots of "D" words, dog, deal, dead.
Me: Dead's a good word. You'll be dead if you keep it up.

Braids

I was teasing Austin's beard.
Austin: I'm going to grow it long enough to put two braids in it.
Me: You know how I'm always saying how much I love you? I love you to a point. And that's to when you start braiding your beard.

Dark Places

Austin: I had enough change to break a $20 for X the other day, so she bought me a Rice Krispies treat. Out of the machine. You know, the good kind. Not the crappy homemade kind.
Me: You're joking.
Austin: No, I like the malty kind with chemicals that are always chewy.
Me: Sometimes I don't know you.
Austin: What?
Me: Chemicals, seriously?
Austin: You know I like box macaroni and cheese with the cheese in a packet.
Me: Sometimes, when you talk about food, I'm so proud, then other times, you go to these dark places--
Austin: When I was a kid, I used to put my finger in a jar of mayonnaise and swipe it around the rim--
Me: Just stop.

Demented Hillbilly

Me: You're so gorgeous.
Austin: I'm glad you think so. Because most of the time, I think I look like a demented hillbilly.

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies

Austin: Can we use some of that pumpkin to make pumpkin oatmeal cookies?
Me: Yes, but I made those no-bake pumpkin oatmeal cookies and there are still plenty of those in the freezer (because both of us are on a diet).
Austin: I don't want that kind. I want the kind that you bake.

One of my friends fancies herself a psychic and had a vision with me having children. Maybe she was confused. I already have one really tall, skinny, long-haired blond child.

Forever

Me: I'll love you forever and ever and ever and ever.
Austin: I'm holding you to it.
So, then I needed to find out how long forever is.
Austin: Hey Siri, how long is forever? [laughing] She wants to know which Forever, Shrek Forever After, Always and Forever, Batman Forever.
Me: I found a winner. The White Rabbit says forever is one second. I'm done.

Serial Murderers

I'm doing laundry, so all my white bras are in the washing machine. I pulled out a fuchsia one I rarely wear. Then I saw a bright pair of fuchsia panties. :D So I match today. I wanted to show Austin and remind him of this meme.
Me: Austin, look, I match!
Austin: That's great. But you know, you're running the risk of being the victim of a serial murder.
Me: That was exactly what I was going to say!

Me and the Skeletal Dinosaur

I wanted the triceratops that eyes lit up and made noise, but at a whopping $100.00, I went for a photo instead.

Me, not too thrilled with the multiple chins: I know you love me and I'm your wife and all, but if I look hideous in a photo, please tell me.
Austin: Yes. I will absolutely do that. And the next time you look fat in a dress, I'll let you know that too.

The Selfie as a Mirror

Austin: How do I look in these sunglasses?
Me, face twisting: Kind of doofy, honestly.
Austin looks for a mirror. Then he takes a picture of himself and I shake my head.
Austin: I know you can see how I look, but I can't see how I look.

Halloween Costumes

I was telling Austin about prospective Halloween costumes. One I am enthusiastic about, a zombie bride.

Me: I'd bury the dress so it'd be nice and gross and tattered.

Austin: Don't bury it. You'd want to wash it, it'd be icky to wear. A great substitute for dirt is cocoa powder.

Me: I can't see wasting cocoa powder like that.

Chocolate

Me, hugging Austin after an especially long day of work: Chocolate isn't always the answer. Sometimes it's you.

Austin: I could change my name to Chocolate. Then the cup would still be right.

Flower

I found this flower on my desk when I got to work. Turns out Austin left it for me.

Austin: I found it on the ground. Someone must have lost it or thrown it out.

Me: Wow, I mean, you took a really sweet gift and, wow.

Sapiosexual

This should be more common than it is:
sapiosexual
noun [sey-pee-oh-sek-shoo-uh l]
1. a person who finds intelligence to be a sexually attractive quality in others.

Me: I hope I'm a sapiosexual.
Austin: You found me, so that's obviously not true. You like people to be easy to manipulate.

Hello, I'm Austin

Things my husband does when he has too much time on his hands.

Cold Heart

Austin made mention of how cold it was and I told him it was always balmy in his room because he runs this little space heater non-stop.
Austin: But it's always cold in here.
Me: It's your cold heart.
Austin, as I'm leaving his room: Aren't you going to ask where I keep my cold heart?
Me, hanging back.
Austin: In my ice chest.
SMH.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

Salmon Breath

Kissing Austin goodnight, Me: Your breath smells like cat food after eating that salmon.
Austin: Don't put it down. Cat food might taste fantastic.
Me: I doubt it.
Austin: I think I'd like to try it. I bet I'd love it if you got me Fancy Feast.
I start leaving the room to go to bed.
Austin: Don't really get me Fancy Feast. I'm just joking.
Then when I send an e-mail to myself to remind myself to post this, Austin: So this was Internet worthy?

Me: It's Internet worthy that you think I don't know you're joking about eating cat food.

Dinner at Home

Me, cooking dinner. We recently had a marinara sausage dish, so I was trying to recreate that.I was going to share with Austin, but he brought in a salmon fillet, so nix that.
He comes in, kisses me, notices that I'm boiling rotini, sets his salmon on the counter. He goes upstairs to take off his work clothes.
I pull the sausage that's leftover from a cooking extravaganza Austin had over the weekend, chop it up and toss it in with the pasta.
Austin comes back downstairs in shorts and a tank.
Me, pulling a red sauce out of the fridge. Smells like an Italian tomato sauce.
Me: Is this like spaghetti sauce?
Austin: Yeah, but I was going to use it--
Me, putting it back: Oh.
Austin: With the leftover sausage.

Show My Love

Me: Is there anything I can do to show you how much I love you today?
Austin shakes his head.
Me: Are you sure? You should take advantage. I may not love you tomorrow.

Strong-Willed, Independent

Austin: I love you so much. You're intelligent, strong-willed, independent.
Me: If those are the qualifications, you could love my mom.
Austin: In a way I do.
OK.

A Gift

Austin was changing clothes for work.

Me: You are a gift.
Austin smiles sweetly, then smirks.
Me: I know, the booby prize.
Then I looked down at his chest.
Me: Though I shouldn't make that joke when you're topless.

Elbows

Austin: Your elbows are so gorgeous.
Me: Elbows are ugly. They're wrinkly, disgusting body parts.
Austin: Not yours. Yours are beautiful.

Egg Pie

Austin: Do you think two potatoes will be enough for my egg pie?
Me: I don't know.
Austin: Well, this is really just me playing around in the kitchen and all trial and error. It's just something fun to try.
Me: As long as you don't make me try it, I don't care.

Wonderful, Cold-Hearted

Austin: You are the most wonderful--
Me: Took you long enough to figure it out. Six years.
Austin: Cold-hearted--
I smacked him. End story.

Engaged

Austin: Can I use the iPad? Unless you're really engaged.
Me: I'm married. I'm not allowed to be engaged.
Austin: Technically, you are allowed to be engaged. Not according to my rules though. According to my rules, you're not allowed to be engaged ever again.
Me: You're a married man. You don't get to make rules.
Austin: Then you're allowed to be engaged. Now what?
Me: Well, let's see if we can get Emun Elliott on the phone and work something out.

No, Emun, I'm not serious. I just like looking at you.

In My Book

Me: You're the sexiest man in my book.
Austin: Well, that doesn't count for much. It's not a best seller. It's more like a self-published e-book.

Dishes

Me: I decided not to wash the dishes today. I didn't want to.
Austin: Uh-huh.
Me: You should care.
Austin: I don't.
Me: You should care about what I want, at least.
Austin: I don't.

Really Hot

Austin& I were watching an episode of Supernatural on Netflix. The actress is on the phone with a friend describing her date as really hot.
Me: He wasn't really hot.
Austin: I didn't think so either.
Me: I hate that on TV shows when a girl describes a guy as really hot, but he's not. Cast a hot guy if he's going to be described as hot.
Austin: He was to her.
Me: I doubt it.
Austin: She went out on a date with him.
Me: No, her character went out on a date with him. The actress probably thought he was mediocre too.
Austin: Well, her character then. If you were calling the police and I was missing, you'd describe me as pretty hot.
Me: No, I wouldn't.
Austin: Okay, that settles that. 

Later, Me: The hot guy just got lit on fire and burned to death, so I guess in that respect he was hot.

Almond Joy

Me, Mom & Austin went to Riverdance today. Always a fabulous show. After, we stopped at Whit's and I got a scoop of Almond Joy frozen custard. I relished the salty almonds as I lapped up each delicious bite.
Austin: So what's in the Almond Joy flavor?
Me: Almonds.
Austin: Of course.
Mom: Chocolate and coconut.
Austin: Yeah, sounds disgusting.
Mom: You don't like nuts, no coconut, no regular nuts?
Austin: Nope.
Mom: How can you love to cook so much and not like nuts?
Austin: I can only love so many nuts. If I liked almonds and coconut, I wouldn't have room for the nut named Rachel.
Mom: Your husband is mean to you.
Me: That's why I married him, so I could get even with him.
Mom: I think you're ahead.

Guilt

Austin & I were making dinner last night. He wanted to treat himself and suggested going to Cooper's Hawk, but after deciding that's too far away and it'd be too busy, we decided to go to a local meat market, get a couple of ribeye and fry them up.

Me: And I just cut the chives out of the herb garden and covered it with leaves. So you've got fresh chives for the mashed potatoes.

Austin: I've gotten so much out of that garden. I absolutely love our fresh herbs. I should have gone to my parents' more and gotten fresh vegetables from Doug.

Me: I tried to get you to visit. I should have guilted you more.

Austin: You guilted me plenty. Don't blame yourself.

Grapes

Me: As you requested, I got 6 pounds of grapes today, red, black and white.
Austin: I didn't request grapes.
Me: For Leah's party; you said you'd like grapes.
Austin: I said I'd eat grapes, I didn't request them. You were talking about fruits or vegetables. I made a suggestion.
Later, Austin looking in the fridge: Wow, you even took them off the stem.
Me: Of course. You can't wash them properly unless you take them off.
Austin: You don't have to wash them. You just have to run them under water. That's why the bags have holes in them.

A Walk

I informed Austin I was going on a walk.
Austin: Do you mind if I go with you?
Me: I guess if you desperately want to.
Austin: Only if I desperately want to? What if I only kind of want to?
Me: Then it would be an imposition.
Austin: Then I guess I'm going to impose.

West Side Market

If you're a foodie and happen to be in the Cleveland area, make a stop at the West Side Market. Fabulous! My mother went up and brought us back a goodie bag. Later, I was upstairs doing so work and Austin came in from work.

Austin, trudging upstairs: I wasn't here when your mom brought over all the food from West Side Market. Did she get the scone for me or did she get the scone for us? 'Cause if she got the scone for us, I cut it in half and left yours in the kitchen. If she got the scone for me, I'm going down and eating the rest of it.

iPhone Shopping

Austin has been looking at getting an iPhone. I know, we're so 20th century, we have plain old cell phones.

Austin: Every phone I looked at, every one, the battery capacity was awful. Six hours talking time. That was the best, hooked up to a charger, fourteen hours, but regular talking time, best, BEST, was six hours.

Me: You know, when my mom was little, they didn't have indoor plumbing. When she was three, she had to go out to the outhouse in the dark in the winter and froze just to go to the restroom.

Austin: I know, and my mom walked to school, up hill both ways, in the snow. And they only had one shoe between them and they had to keep stopping to switch it to the other foot so they wouldn't get frostbite.

Keep My Mouth Shut

Austin was telling me about this girl in his class who was complaining about the inaccuracies in a Disney movie. As I frequently complain about inaccuracies, continuity errors and things that just plain bother me in a flick, I had no problem with the girl's comments. Austin, on the other hand, hates when people complain. About anything. 

Austin: I mean, it's a Disney movie, for Pete's sake. It's not accurate.

Me: I get what you're saying.

Austin: But I was very sympathetic. I never let it show that I actually thought she was being whiny and even--

Me: Pedantic?

Austin: Yeah. I think I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut.

Me: I'm married to you so I know better.

Ren Fest Facilities

Austin: Thank you for driving home.
Me: It's fine. It's nice to share duties.
Austin: Welcome to married life.
Me: Let's see. What other duties can we share?
I'm think changing kitty litter, cleaning drains, toilets, etc.
Austin: I'm not sure I want to share dooties. It sounds kind of gross to me.
I rolled my eyes.
Austin: Then again, if it means I get to share the women's facilities... Sounded like nice facilities you guys had at Ren Fest.
Me: Much better than it used to be. But you just point. Not at all complicated.
Austin: But the stall I had (gross details).
Me: But better than the trough they used to have?
Austin: Much better.

Cock Mix

There's this Jamaican soup mix, "Cock Mix." Austin & I love the stuff. It's a real thing. You can buy at some grocery stores and if you can't find it locally, Amazon carries multi-packs of it.

Several years ago at work, I was telling a co-worker that I wanted to make cock mix for dinner, but my thighs hadn't thawed.

This attracted more than one associate and manager's attention. So then I had to prove this was a real thing and our intercourse was perfectly innocent.

Well, this comes up every blue moon and how funny that was.

Austin and I haven't gotten to see much of each other lately because he's working second shift & I'm working first, so we made a point of going out to dinner together. After dinner at a restaurant, Austin knocked a full glass of water over and the water and ice splashed almost entirely into my lap. My legs were wet, my rear was wet. My shirt. Everything. And it was a bit nippy as this was on the late side, so I was freezing.

Me: Well, I was hoping to have a real cock mix tonight after we got home, since I've barely seen you and my loins have been aching, but now that my thighs are frozen, I guess not.

I continued to jibe Austin about this on the way home. His poor car, the seat was drenched from me sitting there.

Austin: It was an assident, accident.

Me: You're an assident.

More Cheese

Austin was telling me about all the different cheeses they had and was showing me all the ones he got, including a blueberry goat cheese.
Me: I've been interested in trying the caveman cheese for a while.
Austin: I almost got that one! I had it in my hand. If I had known you wanted it, I would have gotten it.
Me: Why didn't you?
Austin: It was kind of pricey and I already had a couple of cheeses picked out.
Me: So we ended up with the sock cheese instead?

Mary Morbier

Austin went cheese shopping and he was showing me his take. One was Mary Morbier cheese. I pronounced it as more bee-air.
Austin: No, it's more-beer.
Then Austin cut off a slice. He sucks on it, presses it down on his tongue, let's it emulsify.
Me, waiting for his description and for him to cut off a bit for me.
And still waiting. And waiting . . .
Then, Austin: Oh! Yuck, oooo, sick, sick, awful. Yuck! Yuck! It's like dirty gym socks. Yuck. Limberger. Get this taste off my tongue. Here, try some.

Yeah right.

Birthdays

Austin's b-day is long over and, yes, I have his main birthday gift for next year, but I recently saw a couple of things for him. And will put them back for next year. And I mentioned this to Austin.
Austin: Well, be careful that you don't spend too much. I know exactly what I want next year for my birthday.
Me, skeptical but attentive.
Austin: And I'll tell you two weeks before my birthday.

Panko

Austin and I haven't had a real fight in years. But we periodically have little skirmishes. So this happened at our house.
Austin put Panko bread crumbs on our grocery list. Well, lately Austin has put all kinds of things on the list that we have plenty of. Like Hellman's mayonnaise (three jars currently) and coffee (three packages). So I checked the cupboard. Sure enough, there is a whole box of unopened Panko bread crumbs.
So I struck it off the list. I went on with my life. Well, then I went to get the list, since I was going to the grocery store.

Sure enough:

And he spelled Panko wrong.

Four-legged Mammals

Me, Mom & Austin went to Velvet yesterday.
Austin: Oh look! They have a goat now!
Me: That's a donkey, you ass.

Happy/Bad thoughts

I had a very bad thought today: The local summer stock theater announced that Full Monty will be part of their 2018 lineup. I'm hoping the cute guy from 2017 will return for the show. I could stand to see him a little less clothed.

Kevyn with a Why

I ordered this shower curtain for Mom from wish.com. It arrived today with a very nice thank you note.
Me: It's from Kevyn, K-E-V-Y-N.
Austin: Oh God, Kevyn with a Y. Why, Kevyn, why!