Smart ^&*#

 So I showed Austin this pic and told him that was something he'd do.

Austin: Yeah, that is pretty funny. But my New Year's resolution is to be less of a smart ass.
Me: I don't mind it. As long as you don't become a dumb ass.

Penny Dreadful Nudity

So Austin & I love Penny Dreadful. Though I made a comment about the excessive nudity.

Me: I mean, I have seen way too much of Billie Piper naked.

Austin: I could stand more.

Me: What would Angela Lansbury say?

Austin: She'd understand.

Carolers

We had Christmas carolers! I mean it, a whole twenty people or so crowded onto our porch and were singing Christmas carols to us. I was absolutely tickled. And to make it even better, they gave us a plate of a dozen cookies. Oatmeal cookies sans raisins (Austin's favorite) and Hershey Kiss cookies.

I obsessed about the carolers the rest of the evening last night. I started to get paranoid about why they may have selected us. They were with a church and gave us a brochure along with the cookies. They couldn't possibly be giving cookies to everyone. It's a small village, but still, that's a lot of cookies.

Me: Maybe it's because the porch needs painted and looks all ratty and they think we're needy.

Austin: It was me. I was upstairs smoking pot. They saw the smoke coming out of my window and it was quite obvious I was lit with hell fire, so they thought we needed saved.

Because they gave us literature about their church and I'm especially suggestible when it comes to cookies, I mentioned that maybe we should go to the church.

Me, eating a cookie: How many visits to church do you think a dozen cookies buys?

Austin: It buys us walking past.

Mini-Christmas Party

Yesterday, the girls and I went out for our mini-Christmas party. It was a couple of hours after I got off of work, so I went to CAM International and picked up some stuff while I was waiting. The girls were very interested in my exotic purchases, so I was showing them as we talked.

We all had our gift exchange and were talking about what we had left to do for Christmas.

Me: I'm completely done. Been done. Now Austin . . . he'll hand me a list tomorrow and expect me to get it for him.

The girls laughed. They've heard stories.

Me, pulling out boxes of imported truffles: These are for Austin's aunt and his mother. This is how sure I am that he'll give me his shopping list.

Busy at Work

Austin was really sick this morning, so I asked him if he had any WLB days left.
Me: We're allowed to use WLB days again. Call off. You threw up yesterday.
I touched his forehead.
Austin: It's the ten hour days. But I'm going to call off. I just feel guilty.
Me: Well, when you call, be sure to say you're actually sick this time.
Austin: Yeah, sure, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna call, “*hack, hack* I'm sick--is the car warmed up?--yeah, I know I've faked before, but this time I'm really sick.--yeah, I'm coming-- so, yeah, I'm sick and I'm not going to make it to work today.”
I'm rolling laughing.
Austin: I'm not going to do that. That call will get forwarded to a manager.
Me: Well, me and the girls will talk about it tomorrow.

*FYI, I got a text at home, so they didn't even wait until I was at work to ask.

Tiramisu

Tiramisu, Austin's favorite. I picked up a piece from an Italian bakery and wrote on the bag, "Tiramisu for someone I love." I contemplated writing, "Obviously, this is not for you/my husband." But ultimately left it alone. I could see how the whole thing would play out anyway, the fake drama, how he'd moan that I got tiramisu for someone else . . .

Austin gets home after working ten hours, goes directly to the fridge.

Austin: Oh ^&*%@

Me (having forgotten): What?

Then I immediately remember and smirk.

Austin: You got tiramisu for someone else.

Me: I so predicted this would happen. I should have written that on the flip side of the bag.

What I should have said: Since I don't love you, it must not be for you.

Missed opportunities . . .

And it didn't stop him from eating it.

Last Christmas Chat (I hope)

I thought we were done talking about Christmas. I've gotten all the Christmas gifts I'm going to buy. I may purchase a couple of perishables for food I'm making, but I'm done. Now Austin, he's planning ahead. It's not even December 24^th yet, but he's talking about what he's going to get.

Anyway, I was watching Netflix and Austin was in the kitchen washing dishes. (His turn, we alternate.) He comes in with his grill pan.

Austin: What do you think of me getting you a frying pan? Just a good, basic pan. Denise got me this one and it's fantastic. I could do something like that. What do you think?

Me: I think I could use yours.

Austin: Not for you, for my friends.

Free Hugs

Austin's having a bad day & many people have hugged him. X stopped by my desk & I told her to hug me. Then Austin brought me some stuff X forgot.

Me: I told X to hug you.

Austin: I'm gonna go collect.

Christmas Planning

Austin, talking about Christmas gifts: I was thinking about getting clipboards for everyone with paper and pens for when we play D&D.
Me: Seriously? Your great D&D gift idea is clipboards?
Austin: I'm off my game. But you know, some bright colored, transparent, cool-type clipboard. That would be neat, right?
Me: Search Google for D&D gifts. Really.

Potential Christmas Gift

Austin & I were talking about my ridiculous tea rituals.
Me: Fortunately, it hasn't been cold, so I haven't brought tea to work. And I definitely can't make tea at work. Could you imagine me with all my paraphernalia laid out?
Austin: You've got that side desk, all that room where you've got your chocolate and cocoa. I see a Christmas present coming on. I could sneak into work. Lay out some doilies, get you sugar cubes.
I start shaking my head.
Austin: I could get you the Pinkie Pie Glitter Fun Party Tea Set. Wouldn't you love that? With the doilies and the cubes of sugar?
I start giggling.
Austin: I'm just kidding. I wouldn't do that.
Me: If the Pinkie Pie tea set existed, I'd love it. Not the doilies and everything else, but the Pinkie Pie tea set would be wonderful.

OMG, the Pinkie Pie Party Tea Set exists!!!??!?!??!!!!SMH. Wow! Austin called it. I said maybe Fluttershy or Twilight Sparkle would have a tea set. Or just a generic MLP tea set, but no, Pinkie Pie has a tea set. Not currently available, but in years past, yes, I could have had a Pinkie Pie Party Tea Set.

Hugs

So, people see Austin & I hug at work all the time, so my co-workers are starting to get this misguided idea that I'm a hugger. So, I hugged Austin before I left for the day.

Co-worker, arms open: I want a hug.

So I hug him.

Me: Don't blame me for any diseases you contract.

Co-worker: Diseases?

Me: Just fair warning.

Austin: You never warn me about diseases.

Me: It's too late for you.

Co-worker: I just wanted some love.

Me: That's not what I'm giving out.

Christmas Shopping

Me: The Iron Man action figure that I got for Collin at Toys'Rus for $12 .99 was $7.67 at Aldi and $7.99 at Kroger. I mean, when I bought it, the Thor one was $7.99 and Iron Man was $12.99, but I decided that Iron Man is way cooler than Thor.

Austin: Yes, Thor isn't even close to Iron Man.

Me: But anyway, seeing it everywhere else for $7.99? That's five bucks! I was pretty steamed, but I decided that it wasn't worth the my time or money to return it and buy again, so I resisted the urge and didn't buy the cheaper one.

Austin: I think you should return it.

Me: I make X an hour. That's *&#^ percent of my hourly wage. The amount of time I'd spend waiting to return it and buying the other one isn't worth it. I can work X to make it up.

Austin: Five bucks is five bucks.

Me: So last night I lay awake thinking I need to return the thing.

Austin: Just return it and be done.

He starts to walk off.

Me, calling at him and following: That wasn't the whole story. I had made up my mind that I was going to return it and then I looked at my Toys'RUs receipt and saw they had only charged me $7.99. If you'd had stayed for the whole story, you'd know the punchline.

Austin: I think you need to shorten your story.

Secret Santa Gift

This should come as no surprise to anyone. Yesterday, I have a long to-do list, change tires (had to glue hubcaps back together because the tire people discovered they were falling apart), paint the car (have same paint damage from hitting a deer), had to stop past the craft store to pick up a couple of things for a project, was going to make zuppa Toscana, so I needed to stop past Kroger to pick up a couple of ingredients, was going to spend the day with Mom, which meant running around with her. And I told Austin my whole long to-do list that I started on at 8:30 in the morning. I knew he was working a ten-hour day, so like a good wife, I offered to help him out.

Me: Is there anything you'd like me to get while I'm out? Any chores you'd like me to take care of while I'm at it?

Austin, preoccupied with getting ready for work: No.

Today, tired and having accomplished almost everything on my chore list and coming down off a 40 hour week after several weeks of overtime and exhausted beyond belief, my big plan for the afternoon: Don't get dressed and lounge around the house.

Austin: I'm out of Greek yogurt. If you're going out today, can you pick some up?

I wonder what my Secret Santa would say if I gave her Austin instead of the gift I have wrapped up for her.

More Ice Cream

Austin E 1:23 PM

hey love, do you have $3 by any chance? long story short, I owe X $3 & I'd rather owe you than him

Rachel 1:24 PM

Remember me & no cash for tip on Saturday? I have some change. I can go out to the car and get quarters after I'm finished. I'll probably be off between 2 and 2:30

Austin E 1:28 PM

no, that's ok. thanks tho. I will get change on the way home then

is there anything we really need at Kroger, since that's where I'll probably stop to get money out & get chabe

Rachel 1:29 PM

You know, a man asking for $3.00 from his woman should get her a $1.00 ice cream cone when she asks . . . no, there's nothing at Kroger. And what's chabe?

Austin E 1:30 PM

change*

and if you want the ice cream so bad, you do have WLB days to use 

Rachel 1:31 PM

&*^#%&^$%%$

Vasectomy Again

So we were talking about Austin getting a vasectomy again. I don't personally issue illness recovery time, job accommodations, leaves of absence or even deal with the paperwork. I just note them if someone else approves them, so Austin was talking about getting an IRT for the surgery. (Nothing's scheduled, we're talking again.)

Me: You'd only be out for a week. Max. They're very non-invasive.

Austin: You'd be plucking the cherries from my nether regions, snatching my low-hanging apples.

Me: Most doctors perform the surgery in under half an hour in their offices. You get a local anesthetic. You're awake for the procedure.

Austin: They'd have to hold me down. And I'd be out for more than a week. I have an extraordinarily large scrotum.

Me: I'll testify that it's not.

Austin: When they cut off my testicles, I'm going to have them put them in a bag to I can carry them around in my hand.

Me: I already have your balls in my hand.

Austin: I'll keep the bag on the shelf next to my dad's ashes. So my balls and my ass will be next to each other.

I shake my head.

Austin: If my dad were alive, he'd have liked that joke.

Ice Cream Sale

So this internationally known ice cream vendor is having $1.00 ice cream cones today, 12-3p. I'm working so, I'm going to miss out on it, but my co-worker suggested Austin could go. I laughed. Later, I suggested Austin could get me a cone as my co-worker said, and put it in the freezer. No, he's got a friend he's going to meet in Columbus. By the time he gets up, gets ready, he won't have time to go to the ice cream shop two miles from our house. Austin wasn't in the mood to cook, so we went out for dinner.

After we go home from Olive Garden, Austin: Have I told you how much I love you today?

Me: You don't need to tell me. I know. You won't go two miles to get me a $1.00 ice cream cone.

Austin: No, I love you enough to take you out to Olive Garden for a three-course dinner. With a coupon.

Austin & I: And a gift card.

Texas de Brazil

So Austin & I are going out to lunch today with my sister and brother-in-law to celebrate his birthday. Texas de Brazil. The wine list is expected to be amazing. I don't drink, but Austin does love a good wine sampling.

Me: If you want to partake, I can drive home.

Austin: I'm not drinking this early on a Sunday.

Me: Yeah right, but a bong for breakfast is perfectly acceptable.

Austin: It is. It even has its own name.

Me: Really? A breakfast bong?

Austin: No, a wake and bake.

I laugh.

Austin: Wine for breakfast also has a name. It's called alcoholism.

Penny Dreadful

Austin was telling me about this show he's watching, Penny Dreadful, and it sounds like something I'd like, so I said I'd might have to watch it.

Austin: I hope you don't start to like Dorian Gray.

Me: I like strange things.

Austin: Yeah, look at me.

BTW, I loved Penny Dreadful. And I did not fall in love with Reeve Carney, though he did a fantastic job as Dorian.

Thongs

Me: You know, those thongs that I used to wear for you, those all came from that rummage sale.

Austin: What kind of church is this?

Me: It's the Methodist church up the street.

Austin: I don't want you going to that kind of church.

Me: I'd think that was exactly the kind of church you'd want me going to.

Donating Sexy Underwear

I haven't worn sexy underwear for Austin for a while, so I made a point of buying some lacy crotchless underwear for him. We had our sexy time, but he really didn't seem all that impressed.

Me: I got them just for you.

Austin, shrugging: I like your regular underwear.

I wear cotton bikinis. Sometimes solid color, sometimes lackluster patterns.

Me, a little disappointed: Well, I guess I'll give them to a rummage sale.

Austin: You can't give those to a church rummage sale.

Me: I only wore them once. I washed them. They're clean.

Austin: No, you can't have sexy underwear at church rummage sales.

Me: Nothing in the Bible says I can't give sexy underwear to a church rummage sale.

Austin: Yes it does.

Me: I've read it. I would have remembered a part about sexy underwear.

Austin: It's in an old translation, like the Dead Sea Scrolls, that got lost from the version we read.

Garbage Disposal

Austin sent me an e-mail to tell me that we carry garbage disposals. Like the e-mails about a dish washer, I think this is a hint.

jcp garbage disposal

Austin E

Thu 5:47 PM

You

We carry garbage disposals! 877-0111... less than $80.

He must not realize how easy it would be to get rid of a body with a garbage disposal. BTW, he's not getting a garbage disposal for Christmas.

Goldfish Crackers

I picked up some toiletries for Austin, so I took them up to his room. A bag of pizza flavored goldfish crackers were sitting on his desk, so I was going to eat a few. There were only ten left, so I finished off the bag. I went down to the kitchen. Austin just came in from work.
Me: I finished off your bag of goldfish crackers, so I was going to get a new one and put it up in your room.
Austin: Don't do that. They keep disappearing up there.

So I hit him with the bag.

Up Late

Austin: I'm tired this morning.

Me: Me too, but it's OK.

Austin: How is it OK?

Me: Because I went to see Music Man last night. I didn't get home till eleven.

Austin: I didn't go to bed till eleven.

Me: Yeah, and it's your own fault.

Austin: How is it my own fault?

Me: I had Music Man to see so I had to stay up. You just chose to stay up so it's your own fault.

Austin: But going to bed at eleven is normal for me.

Me: There is nothing now and will never be anything normal about you.

Austin: I was just about to say something like that.

The Cats

So our cat Thirteen is usually the mouth in our house. But Mouse was whining this morning.

Me: Shut up, Mouse. You're starting to sound like your brother.

Austin: I dont think they're brothers.

Me: There are no steps or halves in this house.

Austin: Oh really?

We live in a two story house with a basement.

Me: Fine, yes, there are stairs.

Austin: Actually, I was going to make a joke about a half-wit.

Emun's Cuffs

Austin had a jacket with a torn cuff, so yesterday, I sewed it up. I showed Austin the darning job I'd done, but his response was lackluster.

Me: You didn't even know this cuff was torn.

Austin: No.

Me: I'll bet Emun Elliott would have noticed if I had mended his cuff.

Austin: Yeah. He also would have noticed the strange woman who doesn't live in his house.

Hit the Bathroom

As soon as we got home, after an hour long drive after lunch, both Austin and I were in the same situation.

Austin: When we get in, I've got to hit the bathroom.

Me: I've got to hit the bathroom too.

I stood in the doorway taking off my coat, gloves, setting down my purse.

Austin: Move or I'm going to hit you too.

Christmas Shopping

So I was watching a Christmas special, characters shopping for gifts:
If it's the thought the counts, why are we spending so much time at the mall with all these crowds? Let's go home and think really hard.

Austin & I placed our Christmas order through Amazon together to save on shipping. So I know what I'm getting.

Austin's now being a little pookie butt because I know my gift, but he doesn't (I placed the order). So I remind him that he kind of knows what he's getting.

Me:If you really want to know, check Facebook. I was so confident you wouldn't look that I posted it to my page.

I'm still confident he's not going to know what I got him for Christmas.

Happy B-Day, Emun Elliott 11/28

I showed Austin a pic of Emun Elliott and trilled over the wonder of it being his birthday again this year. (His birthday is 11/28, my bad, this happen Monday.)
Me: And he'll have a birthday again next year! Again and again forever and ever.
Austin: Until he dies. Then we can celebrate his death.
Me, a bit older than Emun Elliott: I don't think I'll outlive him.
Austin: Oh, I'll make that dream happen. And you know, there's hope. He's a smoker, isn't he?

Brand Loyalty

Austin: So we were talking about loyalty in class today and I said, 'I'm loyal to Coke. I love Coke. Coke is the best.' And one of the girls says, 'I thought JCP had a drug testing policy.' And of course everyone busts up laughing.
Me: What about your wife? Being loyal to your wife.
Austin: Brand loyalty. Besides, it had to be something true.

Sleeping Easy

Usually when I come in, I go directly to Austin and let him know I'm home. Today, I had to use the restroom. Directly after, I went to Austin.
Me: A burglar didn't break into the house and use the bathroom. It was me.
Austin, taking me up in his arms: Oh thank God. I was so worried.
Me: I knew you would be.
Austin: I can sleep easy now.
Me: I hate to tell you this, but you can sleep easy pretty much anytime.

You'd Love Me More If . . .

Austin was hugging me and telling me how much he loves me.

Austin: The only way I could love you more is if you were wealthy.

Me: I have $$$$$ in the bank.

Austin: I know you're wealthy with friends and family and me. And I know you have a little money saved up, but I mean really wealthy, like a million or two. So I wouldn't have to work.

Me, all kinds of amused.

Austin: Come on. You'd love me more if I was a bit more handsome.

Me: You're gorgeous.

Austin: If you could have me a bit more sexy, you'd love it. Say, if I looked a bit more like an actor.

Me: Yeah, if you looked like Emun Elliott, I'd be over the moon.

OSU vs. MU

So Austin & I were talking about the OSU/MU game and how much we don't care.
Austin: We get all excited about winning, but Michigan had a winning streak that lasted like 13 years back in the '80's, but that was before I was born, so I don't care.
Me: Wow, you make me feel old in one sentence.
Austin: I can do it in two or three too.

Dog Tricks

Austin came in after visiting his parents.
Me: You missed it. Cassie and I were just doing tricks.
Austin: Did she teach you anything?
Me: No. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Austin: That's what I was going to say.

Texting

I was texting and Austin randomly says: I don't know how I could love you more than I do.
Me, overcome with affection, went over to hug him. In his embrace, I continue to text.
Austin, as my phone beeps: Never mind.

Yellow Jackets

Austin: Oh, a bee!
He ducks.
Me: It's a yellow jacket.
I pick up a catalog and look for a glass.
Austin: Are you going to kill it or catch it?
Me: Catch it. What do you think I am?
Austin: I know what you are. You're an evil, horrible monster, but for some reason you have a soft spot for insects and arachnids. You know, some demons have insect and arachnid familiars.

Me: The house is now officially yellow jacket free. I was right. It went down the pipe under the stove burner. It was in the oven. As soon as I opened the door, it flew out, I caught it and put it outside.
Austin: Not without sampling my pumpkin pie. My poor defiled pie.
Me: I bet it won't stop you from eating it.

Notes Passing Thru The Night

Austin's been working second shift. I work first shift. We both live so far from work, by the time I get home, he's already gone. So we see each other for a few hours on weekends. Much of our communication these past few weeks has been through notes left sitting on the stove.

In case you can't read our handwriting or the photo quality is bad,
Me: Would you prefer pumpkin soup or pumpkin pie?

Pie is circled.

Austin (crossed out): There's a cheesy bean & rice burrito in the fridge. You can have it if you want.

Austin: I ate it. You would hate it. I love you. I love you. I love you. (drawing of an eye + heart + U)

Cremation

Me: I don't care what you do with my body after I die. I figure cremation is as good as anything. Just don't stick me next to your father on the shelf.

Austin: I'm sandwiching you right between him and the wall. I'm gonna push him up against you. Maybe I'll even open the containers and mix the contents.

So, now I'm getting Austin this tee for Christmas:

Flatware

Austin may be right. (But only this once.) We were watching My Little Pony and Twilight Sparkle was going gah gah over the table settings.

Austin: Just one more thing you have in common with Twilight Sparkle.

I cringe. Yes, the first thing I do at a restaurant is to arrange my flatware properly and place a napkin in my lap. I didn't know it was so brutally obvious.

So I was looking over these emoji's. And I found this one: 

The knife is facing the wrong direction. Yeah, I'm a little OCD about flatware placement.

The Paradise

This gem came up on my FB memories the other day:

2014: November 18, series/season 2 of The Paradise will be released on DVD. I was shouting joy over this yesterday.
Austin: But if you buy it for yourself, that means I won't be able to get it for you for Christmas.
Me: Does that mean you're going to guarantee me you'll get me the DVD for Christmas?
Austin: It doesn't mean I won't guarantee that I won't get it for you for Christmas.
I'm thinking he should get me something else for Christmas and not stand between me & my obsession with Emun Elliott.

Another Wedding

Austin and I are going to another wedding, this time for a pair of his male friends. I don't know when the wedding will be, but Austin says I should wear a tux. I've picked out this number for him.

I Love You

Me: Have I told you that I love you today?
Austin: I think so.
Me: Well, I'm going to say it again. I love you.
Austin: I think I love you too.
Me: Now careful, I don't want you thinking.
Austin: I don't love you anymore.

Tasia

So Austin declared Tasia dead sometime ago and that he had to accept that he has a gut. It's been a while since we've brought her up.

Me, with my hand on Austin's tummy: You sure Tasia's not still kicking around down there?

Austin: If she's kicking, she's going to kick your *^&*#

Memory

Me: I went downstairs to get my wallet so I could balance my checkbook. Guess what I came back upstairs without?

Austin: Well, the obvious answer would be your wallet, but I'm going to say your mind.

Yes, he did say ouch after I hit him.

Toothbrush Bacteria

So I read an article about 10 things loving couples do every day. Austin and I do maybe 5 of them.

Me: The article suggested putting toothpaste on your partner's toothbrush if you're the first one up. That's gross. I'm usually up hours before you. Having that toothbrush sitting on the counter in the bathroom?

Austin: Yeah, that is gross. Did it say anything about plotting to kill each other?

Me: No, apparently that's not something loving couples do. Just try to kill them with bacteria on toothbrushes.

Great British Baking Show

The only thing Austin and I love more than true murder shows is cooking shows. But we don't make as many fun comments during those shows . . .

Watching Great British Baking Show,
Judge: We have to eliminate someone. It was a very difficult decision.
Austin: So we're going to shock everyone and eliminate one of the judges. I say the one in the red jacket.
I laugh.
Austin: Wait for the real shocker in episode 10. Someone will come out with a butcher knife and kill a contestant.

Farts

So I let this loud, obnoxious fart while chilling with Austin and I apologized, of course.
Me: You know, I think farting might be how we came up with trumpets and trombones.
Austin: Then why don't we play them with our $&$)@?

Weight

Austin: What are you doing?
Me: Calculating how many calories I can eat a day to get down to 140-145 pounds by X and Y's wedding.
Austin, making an incredulous noise: Don't do that to yourself.
Me: But I want to look fabulous in that dress.
Austin: You're going to look fabulous in that dress no matter what.
Me: But I'll look more fabulous in that dress thin.
Austin: You'd also look fabulous in that dress rich.

BTW, Austin made chocolate chip cookies directly after this.

Spinach Dip

So, Austin called me a nag recently. Last night, before I went to bed, I wrote myself a note. Austin was over at a friend's, so I made an addendum to the note:

Don't forget spinach dip. This is a note to myself. But if you forgot, I'm glad it reminded you too.

Sexiness

As I'm coming in from work.

Austin: I hear sexiness coming up the stairs.

Me: Your ears deceive you.

Athletic Shoes

I IM'ed Austin at work about a sale we're having around 11:00 o'clock. He's been looking for athletic shoes for our trip. He finally IM'd me back.
Austin E 12:17 PM
that's true. ty for letting me know
 Rachel 12:17 PM
welcome
Rachel 12:18 PM
Just an FYI. You im me back so long after the initial im, I no longer have the im and completely forgot what I im'd about, then I had to use brainpower to think . . . thanks for making me use my brain @ work.

Sick Day

Austin: Man, I want to stay home today.
Me: Well, you have one WLB day left. But since you weren't willing to use it to go to your nephew's birthday party, you can't waste it spending time with your wife and mother-in-law.
Austin: I wasn't going to spend time with you and your mom. I was going to stay home.

NOC'ers

Austin 2:15 PM

also, if you could make a note...hopefully I will remember...that if X is here on Friday...please take her a little of the spinach dip...she really loves it & always asks me to bring it

I won't be here...but I thought I'd leave a note on the dip for you

or maye I'll make a tiny seperate batch...that would be better

so you won't get the stink-eye from the other NOC'ers

Rachel 2:17 PM

I'll make a note. I'm waiting on Y to research some SPIFF orders, then I'm done. They're having a meeting, so he's busy right now . . .

Austin E 2:17 PM

btw, I made myself laugh by typing noccers

We Love Our Real Murder TV

So, watching New Detectives reruns on Netflix. The murder claims that his friend murdered himself, that he was stabbed when the hood of the car smashed him into the engine.
Austin: That's ridiculous.
Me: If I murder you, I'll come up with a better story.
Austin: If you murder me, they'll have an episode about me on New Detectives.
Me: No they won't. The show isn't on anymore.
Austin: Well, they'll bring back Murder She Wrote just for me and have an episode based on me.

New Orleans

Me: Mom doesn't want to go to New Orleans with us, but she said she'd take care of our house and animals while we're gone.
Austin: But if your mom doesn't go, it won't be any fun!

A recent study showed that most people would rather take their phone than their significant other on vacation with them. My husband would rather take my mother. BTW, Mom has reconsidered. We're all going to New Orleans together.

Trash

OMG, Austin took the trash out, no prompting from me. This is the fifth time in five years. If this keeps up, I'll stop counting.

New Detectives

Watching more murder porn, New Detectives on Netflix. An episode on poisoning.

Austin, who's said this before: I've told my family to have a full tox screen done on me if I die under mysterious circumstances. You're not going to get away with poisoning me.

Me: For sure.

Austin: I'm just kidding [rubbing my arm]. I know you'd never poison me.

Me: That's not so sure.

Zoe & Wash

So I was bored and took a quiz: Which fictional romance best describes your relationship?

I got Zoe & Wash from Firefly. I've never watched Firefly, but Austin is a sci-fi fanatic. And I am a huge fan of Alan Tudyk, so I was especially excited by the results.

Austin: Zoe & Wash? Seriously?

Me: You used to love Firefly. I thought you'd like it.

Austin: Zoe's a cold, heartless mercenary.

Me: I could see that.

Austin: Wash is really funny though. He's great. So I'd be Wash. Yeah, I like that. 

In Sickness . . .

Austin: Thank you for taking such good care of me while I'm sick.
Me: You took good care of me a couple of weeks ago when I was sick.
Austin, making a fist: Yeah, but not how I'd really like to take care of you.

Stakes

I wish I could remember what Austin said that induced me to say this:
Me: That's like a stake through my heart.
Austin: Interesting that you say stake instead of knife. *giggling* You don't even pretend to be human like the rest of us. That's the way to embrace your inner-vampire.
Me: You know I have Facebook up right now as we speak.

Bad Breath

I was getting ready to go on a walk. Austin was just finishing up a piece of pizza bread on garlic naan.
Austin: Do you mind if I come?
Me: Sure, if you want.
I leaned in to kiss him and got a whiff of that breath.
Me: But if you do go with me, be sure you don't breathe on anyone or kiss them. Your breath reeks.
Austin: OK, I'll try not to kiss any strangers while we're walking.

No Kill Shelter

My sister-in-law is a smoker and has a heart condition. She's been battling the smoking thing for years. She's successfully quit for years. But she's tripped up again. So she was throwing a Halloween party for all of her son who is 10 and her grandkids (she has two adult sons who have--eek!--8 kids between them).

As Austin and I were leaving, sis-in-law put down her cigarette so she could hug me. I razzed her about smoking. She said she'd like Austin & I to take care of her son if she dies from smoking too much. I told her we'd find a nice no-kill shelter for him. Yep, this is our typical family interaction.

Rose Petals

Watching Lady Dynamite & the love interest does a path of rose petals to the kitchen where he's made a rose petal omelet.
Austin: How would you like it if I did that, the path and rose omelet?
Me: I'd like the path, but not the omelet. Roses are often grown with chemicals that are toxic. You'd have to make some real strides to make sure the rose petals can be consumed.
Austin, maniacal smile: Oh, I'll make sure they're not toxic.

More IM'ing

Austin  11:00 AM

I picked out another robe I can get for cheap...so now I've decided that I can finally get rid of my older, ratty robe 

Rachel 11:01 AM

SMH, stop shopping.

Austin 11:01 AM

aparently s inside of parenthesis is  

I know...but I'm so bored...I can't help myself

Rachel 11:02 AM

You can help yourself. And I have a knife at my station.

Austin E 11:07 AM

now I'm loking at appliances..X only carries one portable dishwasher...and it could be ours for only $539 

Rachel 11:07 AM

You could be homeless in only 10 minutes.

Austin E 11:09 AM

lol...also, free delivery & installation..18 or 30 mo. speacial financing, & up to 30% off (+assoc discount)...it would end up being about $340 + tax...you know you want one

*rolling eyes*

IM'ing

Austin's been bored at work, so lots of im'ing.

I told Austin he needs to get his own department store cc, because he's been giving mine such a workout.

Rachel 9:41 AM

And you can make purchases at the store without me, if something ever strikes your fancy . . . like me hitting you with a brick.

Austin 9:41 AM

If something fancy ever strikes me, I'll know you threw it.

Austin making horrible typos:

Austin 10:01 AM
having a c & o problem.

Rachel 10:01 AM
you are a c&o problem.

Austin 10:02 AM
better than a bo problem

PDA

At work, I was having a tough day because all of our systems were down. When Austin came over, I gave him a great big hug. Later, at home.

Austin: I don't think you should hug me like that at work.

Me: It was a bad day.

Austin: Yeah, I know, but it's still work. I don't want people thinking I come over for hugs.

Me: Fine, I'll go back to plotting your murder.

Murder Show Reruns

Watching Forensic Files reruns:
Me: You know you make my world go round, but if you ever murder me, I hope you get profiled on a show like this.
Austin, kissing me: That will never happen. Because I won't get caught.

Six Pack

So Austin can do that thing where you sit down on the floor without using your hands and return to a standing position, again, without pushing off the floor or balancing with your hands. The girls at work were so impressed, they made him come over and demonstrate.
After Austin was gone, one of the girls: Does Austin have a six pack from doing that?
I told Austin and we laughed and laughed.
Austin: If I had a six pack, it would hurt now from laughing so hard.

Lighting Fires

Austin & I were going to the grocery store together and he finally came downstairs. I followed him into the kitchen.

Austin: I'm getting coffee and still have to put in my teeth. You don't need to stop what you're doing yet.

Me: I came to light a fire under your butt.

Austin: You also light the fire in my heart.

Me: Oh, that's so sweet. You make me puke.

Mr. Mercedes

So Austin just finished reading Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King. Took him three days to finish the whole thing. He turned off his TV in favor of reading this book. I know. Serious.

So Austin is telling me how devastated he is over this woman who is killed when she gets into this car rigged to explode.
Me: That could happen to me. I could get into a car with a pipe bomb. Boom, I'd be dead tomorrow. But then, I don't have any life insurance.
Austin: That's why it won't happen tomorrow.

Life Insurance

Austin & I were talking about how awful our marriage is and fixing the problem.
Me: That's why I watch all those crime and forensic shows. Except I don't have a life insurance policy on you.
Austin: How's that gonna fix our marriage?
Me: I'm getting all these tips for killing you and getting away with it. But I need to take a policy on your life.
Austin: No, no, no. That's my plan. We can't both have the same plan. You come up with something else.

Like God was listening, I received a brochure for life insurance today in the mail . . .

Stay Home

Me: I want to stay home tomorrow with my handsome husband.
Austin: Liar. You just want to stay home.
Me: You're right. Now if my husband was Colin O'Donoghue, then I'd want to stay home with my husband.
Austin, fake stabbing me: I stab you with a knife.
I laugh.
Austin: I'm just kidding. I'd never stab you with a knife. It would be a crime of passion. I'd use whatever was handy. Probably a fork.

Innuendos at Work

Me: I did the X report by myself today. And I'll probably be doing it tomorrow alone too.
Austin: Don't masturbate at work.

Me: Well, Time and Attendance is frequently abbreviated T&A . . .
A moment later, Me: And Andrew kept touching stuff.

More Murder

Watching Forensic Files with Austin, this man murdered his son for the life insurance, because the killer was living beyond his means.
Austin: I'm going to live beyond my means so that I have a reason to commit murder in the future.
Me: You have reason to commit murder now.
Austin: I love you.

Showing Love

Austin was hugging me, telling me how much he loves me and how he couldn't love me any more than he does.

Austin: I don't know how I can show you how much I love you.

I start chuckling.

Austin: In these moment of silence, the love swells and I appreciate you so much.

Me: You know I'm coming up with a list.

Austin: Yeah, I could tell by the laughter.

The TV

A couple of weeks ago, I paid a hundred dollars to have a kitchen sink leak repaired. The sink still leaked, so I fixed it myself. And I did a fantastic job. So I decided to get rid of the DVR that hasn't had a satellite connection for two years. And then I couldn't get the TV to work after. I spent a good hour trying to fix it, reading directions, checking wires, hooking and rehooking.
As soon as Austin got home, I seized him and made him fix the TV. Which he did in under one minute.
Me: It takes a special kind of stupid to mess up the TV like that. Only I could do that.
Austin: Nah. Your mom could do it too.

Time & Attendance

So I'm in Time & Attendance now, so big shock, it annoys me when people are late and leave early. And pull stunts with the time clock.

Me: X annoys me so much. He does it all the time. Punches in at the time clock, but doesn't sign into his computer right off. And he always leaves a minute early.

Austin: I do that all the time.

Me: Yeah, but I can get even with you.

Embellishing

A coworker was sharing way too much about her sex life and I was telling Austin about it later.

Austin: Well, if you want to share about our sex life, embellish. Tell her how you can't get out of bed and you can't walk the next day, how I last for hours. Tell her how hard it is for me to buy underwear because I can't find any that fits.

Me: Because you're @$$ is so fat?

Austin: Yeah, lie.

Baby

Me: Holly had her baby.
Silence.
Me: You didn't know Holly was pregnant.
Austin: That's right.
A little while later.
Austin: I'm glad Holly had her baby. Imagine, if after nine months, she had given birth to a pineapple. That would be very disappointing.

I Really Love . . .

Austin: I really love that book.
Me: I really love you.
Austin: Everyone makes mistakes.
I start laughing.
Austin: I wasn't joking.

Wii Bowling

I'm a sore loser, in case someone out there didn't know. Austin's final score of 199 on Wii bowling came up. Turkey is a bowling term for three strikes in a row. In case you didn't know that too.
Austin: Your turn.
I kind of growl.
Austin: You're still going to beat me. You just got a turkey.
Me, prodding him: Yeah, and I married him.

Gorgeous Man

Austin was going down the stairs in our house, strutting like he always does and the cats were clustered in the window on the landing.
Me: Hey, you gorgeous, sexy man.
Austin turns, looks at one of the cats.
Me: That's right. I was talking about Mouse.

Where To Go

On our way to Cleveland Museum of Art.
Me, to Austin: You can turn right up here and take 13 north.
Austin: I've never been. You definitely need to tell me where we're going.
Me: I tell you where to go all the time. You don't do it.

Chicken

Me, Mom and Austin went grocery shopping today. After, I was breaking down a package of chicken breasts to freeze.
Austin, comes over, kisses my neck, then he slips his hand over the chicken: I love your breasts. They're so firm.

He's for sale. Cheap. His Christmas gifts, TV and Playstation are not included.

Hookie

So, for those of you who haven't heard, I'm back to full-time at work. So I was off yesterday. Austin was scheduled to work, but feigned a headache in the morning and called off. In the afternoon, when Mom and I went out to get groceries and eat, Austin felt better and was able to join us. Of course, I was giving him a hard time for playing hookie.

Austin: You're working full-time again. I've got my sugar mama back. I can call off all that I want.

Me: It's like you don't realize there's that window right there in your room that I can open up and toss all of your belongings out of.

Just to prove how much of a threat I am, Austin played hookie again today.

Bags of Dirt

So, I pulled a few weeds in the yard. The big rock is starting to stick up again.
Me: I need to get another bag of dirt to cover that rock.
Austin, poking Thirteen (our vocal cat): We've got plenty of bags of dirt.
Me, prodding Austin: That's right, but I'm not putting you in the backyard.
Austin: Really? You don't want me six feet under?
Me: Not in the backyard. That's the first place the police are gonna look.

PB

So I eat peanut butter a lot and usually I leave it on the counter. I was scanning the kitchen for it.

Austin: What are you doing?

Me, opening the cupboard: Looking for the PB. Found it.

Austin: I put it where it belongs.

Me: You put it on the bottom shelf. That's where all the dog treats go.

Austin: I put it where it belongs.

Me: Are you calling me a b&^%&$?

Austin: I didn't say that.

Me: Mhmmm.

SMH

Sometimes my husband does things like this and it just makes me love him so much.

Other times, he does stuff like this and I want to sell him.

Better Face

Mom was talking about lunch with a couple of friends from work.
Mom: They said how wonderful Austin is, how he's always smiling and laughing, whistling.
Austin: Only when I win TV's. Every other time, I'm putting on a face.
Me: Don't I know it. I've seen the real one. I'd like you to put on one that's better looking.
Of course, Austin shook his fist at me.

YOURFOREVERARMS

So, I gave Austin this big hug and he cuddled me to his chest.
Me: I want to be in your arms forever.
So Austin went to his desk and wrote on a notepad. He then presented me with a piece of paper that said, 'YOURFOREVERARMS.'
Me: What's this supposed to be.
Austin: In your arms forever.
Me: There's no in.
Austin: Forever is in your arms.
I wish I could post a picture of my face when I realized my husband had been playing too many word games.

Picking Up Mom

I was on the phone making arrangements with Mom to go to Melita for the biannual charity dinner.
Me: We'll pick you up in about five minutes.
Austin: I cleaned out the trunk, so there'll be room for her back there.

Christmas List

I showed Austin this meme and told him my list was pretty similar.
Austin: Not happening. I'll get you two of those things, but not the third.
Me: Ahhh, no kitten for me.

BTW, Austin wants me to get him something for Christmas again this year.

The Dog

Cassie kept pushing her head into my lap and sitting on my feet, which usually means she wants something, but I told her no. Still, she wouldn't stop.
Me: Wow, she's a demanding b&$@/
Austin: She learned from the best.

Crappy Pen

Austin was adding a few items to the grocery list.
Austin: This is a crappy pen.
Me: That pen's just fine.
Austin: I've got ink all over my hands, This is a defective tool.
Me, pushing a finger into his pec: This is a defective tool.

Sick

Pauvre Austin, il tombe malade, For the better part of the day, he's been in bed with horrible stomach cramps. He finally got up and was hungry. I suggested several things.
Me: We have tomato soup.
Austin: I don't want anything that vaguely reminds me of your spaghetti sauce.
Me: Yeah, spaghetti sauce would be too complex for your stomach to digest.
Austin: Nothing like that. Your spaghetti sauce is awesome, but it only tastes great going one way.

Full of Surprises

So, getting ready to go to bed. Gave Austin a big hug.
Me: There's nothing I love more than being in your arms.
Austin: I don't know. You like watching me do dishes a lot.
Me: And I thought you were going to make a jibe about Emun Elliott.
Austin: I'm full of surprises that way. I might really surprise you and take the trash out again.

Memory

I have been racking my brains, going crazy, trying to remember the funny thing Austin said last night before I went to bed.
Me: Austin, do you remember that funny thing you said last night?
Austin: I didn't say anything funny last night.
Me: Just for that, I should post your comments about your fuzzy dick.
Lucky you, Austin and I have agreed, no lewd, sexual or rude posts. But the moral of the story: When you're over 40, don't think you'll remember it the next day. Write it down.

Mother F&(@^$%^#

I came into Austin's room as he was getting dressed.
Me: You're a gorgeous mother &%#$^.
Austin: Oooo, gross. I'd never--
Me: You're right. My mom is pretty gross.
Austin: I'm not talking about your mom. I was thinking my mom. Now your mom is pretty hot.
Me, face palm.
Austin: I'll bet Angela Lansbury has kids. I'd love her.

Crying

So I came in from work and Austin was bent over the stove sniffling.
Me: Are you crying?
Austin: I always cry when I'm home alone.
Me: Well, you're not alone anymore. I'll give you something else to cry over.

Stupid Things

The dogfood bowl was empty.

Me: I don't remember if I fed the dog.

Austin: You did. I saw her eating.

Me: Oh, good. I've been forgetting all kinds of stupid things lately.

Austin, putting a hand on my arm: Trust me, you're remembering all kinds of stupid things right now.

Testosterone

Austin was complaining about the cats. All of them puking and peeing in places they ought not and just the general problem they are.
Austin: Tink is the only one that doesn't do anything bad.
Me: That's because she's a girl.
Austin: I would love it if you didn't have all these cats. Let's go back to that.
Me: Before you came along, I had a rule that only one male was allowed in this house. Since you came along, I've got all kinds of male in this house.
Austin: Don't blame me for this.
Me: Not a single one of the male cats in this house was here before you came in. I always limited myself to one male. Females, that was fine.
Austin made an incredulous noise.
Me: I never had more than one male cat in this house before you came along. After you came in, as insignificant as it is, your testosterone knocked me completely out of whack.
Austin: Ha!

Do Not Disturb

Assoc X, coming back from break, I was getting ready to go on break.
Assoc X: I just saw Austin downstairs in the break room.
Me: I better hurry up so I can see him.
Assoc X: He was reading. He doesn't want to be disturbed.
Me: I'm his wife. I'm going to disturb him.

The Night Shift

So, I've been talking about cutting my hours at my new job (still jcp, just a different position), but asking Austin about still working nights, since this is the lean shift and they need the people, how that's impacting the time we spend together and our relationship.
Austin: I didn't think there were any problems with our relationship.
Me: I miss seeing you.
Austin, attacking my arm in true melodrama style, looking up into my eyes: We can make it through anything.
Me: We're not going to make it through the next five minutes if you keep this up.

FallOut Boy

The band director must have a thing for FallOut Boy. The high school marching band is playing both Centuries and Dance Like Uma Thurman. So I'm getting the high school marching band version day and night. The joys of living across the street from a school.

Me: It messes with me every time I hear Dance Like Uma Thurman. Hearing the Munsters theme song creeping up, then oh, no, that's Dance Like Uma Thurman.

Austin: The Munsters theme song is in Dance Like Uma Thurman?

Me, nodding, a bit bemused.

Austin: I've never noticed.

Then he starts snapping his fingers.

Me: Not the Addams Family theme song. The Munsters.

Austin: How does it go?

Me: Like Dance Like Uma Thurman, nah-nah-nah-nah-na-nah-nah-nah-nah na-nuh-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.

Austin: Oh, I guess I've never heard the Munsters theme song.