English Roast

 Austin brought home 5 lbs of English roast.
Me: Do you want me to make all of that?
Austin: I can do it. You don’t have to worry about it.
Me, worried about it: I don’t mind. I just want to know if you want to have all 5 lbs or if you want me to save some for later.
Austin: All of it, but I can do it.
Me, commencing to do it: It’s fine. I’ll do it.
Austin: What you really mean is you don’t trust me to do it.
Me: You know me so well.

Flatulence

 Me, having farted.

Austin: Wow, when I hear a sound like that, it makes me want to let out a mating call.

Austin then demonstrates some duck calls.

Me: I’ve mated with an idiot.

Our Oven Is Lit

While baking pies for Christmas, I switched on the oven light to check on the pies.
Me: I’m so glad we've got an oven light on our oven. I love that.
Austin: Our oven is lit.
Face palm.

Wrapping

Me: I’m done wrapping your family’s gifts. Is there anything else I need to wrap?
Austin: You need to wrap your arms around me.
Me: Haven’t I done enough?

Wrapping Presents

Austin: I’m so bad at wrapping presents. Will you help me?
Me: Of course.
So guess who’s wrapping Christmas presents while Austin watches TV?

Rudolph

It’s time to put my hair in the Rudolph bun again. Unfortunately, the eye broke and I needed some cardboard to fix it. I grabbed this old Charley’s card out of the trash, cut a square, fixed the eye and discarded the card to the counter. Austin held the card up to me as a question.
Me: I used it to fix the eye. You can throw it out.
Austin: I just wanted to be sure.
Me: You were there when I fixed it.
Austin: I just wanted to be sure you weren’t going to use it for murder.
Me: How?
Austin: I’ve been watching a lot of Murder, She Wrote. I pay attention to these details. This kind of thing can solve a murder.

That’s really me in the bottom. You can tell because it’s a bad photo.

Soppressata

I know, I make fun of Austin a lot. A LOT. But Austin is very well educated. His mother and oldest brother are also educated and even somewhat refined.

I don't know what happened with Austin's brother Pete. Pete's fiancee is worse. The first time we met her, she was telling us about being a model (she's over 200 lbs. and is 5'). We're guessing this was a long time ago.

Nevertheless, his fiancee frequently posts pictures of herself modeling bathing suits and lingerie on FB. She would make any Wal-Mart hillbilly proud.

As with all men, Austin's male relations are impossible to buy for, so we always get a pile of soppressata for them. When we were divvying up Christmas gifts, it turned out we had an extra package of sliced soppressata.

Austin: What are we supposed to do with this?

Me: Give it as a gift.

Austin: Yeah, but we've got enough for Toby, Pete, Doug...

Me: We never give enough to Pete's hick fiancee.

Austin: Yeah, but it's sliced. Will she even know what to do with it?

Me: She'll use them as pasties. And post pictures on FB.

Dinner Part 2

 Me: That chicken was so awful. You can make chocolate chip cookies to make it up to me. And bring me some tea.

Austin: What make it up to you? I had to eat that chicken too.

Dinner

 Austin is making dinner diligently right now.

Me: What did you put on this chicken?

Austin: Why? What does it taste like?

Me: Grape pop.

Where’s My Mind?

 While walking the dog.

Austin: Cassie, I forgot to give you your medicine this morning. Where is my mind?

Me: Ho ho ho. It’s close enough to Christmas, I won’t answer that.

Overtime Extravaganza

 Austin: I know you’re working ten hour days right now and driving forty minutes each direction, but when you have a day off, I’d appreciate it if you’d call the vet to find out what flea medicine we bought for Cassie last time.

I love him***

Also please note that the one day I have off a week is Saturday. 

Star Trek the Musical

When I saw this meme, I laughed my lily white *(@&* off. Naturally, I showed it to Austin.

Austin: I’d go see it.

Do I Have To?

 With working so many hours, I’ve been exhausted. On our usual night for adult time, Austin headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Me: I’m really tired, Bubby. I don’t feel like sex. But if you still want me to @&^#, I’ll be happy to do that. I just don’t think I’m up for sex.

Austin: Oh no. If you don’t feel like sex, then I don’t want you to *&@(. That wouldn’t be fair to you.

Me: I’m fine &((@ you. I just want you to be happy.

Austin: I am happy. It’s fine. Since you’re not up for sex, we can just spend some time together and talk.

Me, whining: Do I have to? Can’t I just (*&()&&*# and be done?

Special Olympics

 Austin was planning to go see a friend of ours, who happens to be in a wheelchair. We’ve mentioned her before. 

Austin: I’m really looking forward to seeing X, but I’m also thinking of cutting my visit short so I can play my video game.

Me: X isn’t as important as your video game?

Austin: It’s not that. It’s just, when you play the game, if you don’t finish the game, when you come back, you forget your strategy, the boss is harder to beat, it changes the outcome.

Me: So X can’t keep up with your game. Is it because she’s in a wheelchair?

Austin & I are both going to hell. X would also laugh if she heard me say that.

Forged in Fire 2

After watching a partizan suffer a catastrophic bend:

 Austin: You know, we see catastrophic failures on these weapons every other episode. Just once, I want to see the weapon cause a catastrophic injury. Doug Marcaida, his arm hanging from his shoulder socket, “It will keal.”

Slow...

 Me: My order from Turtle Tee just shipped.

Austin, not caring.

Me: I ordered it last Thursday!

Austin: You ordered it on a Black Friday sale. They’re busy.

Me: I have worked at more than one place that can get orders out within 24 hrs. Even on Black Friday.

Austin, ignoring me again.

Me: That’s ridiculous.

Austin: I think it’s hysterical that you’re complaining about how slow a place called TURTLE tee is.

Forged in Fire

 Our new family favorite is Forged in Fire. Every time we get together for a family dinner, we kick on the TV and turn on Forged in Fire so we can see the blacksmiths making their knives and see Doug Marcaida making puns and wielding the blades. On this particular episode, Doug was mercilessly slashing boars.

Austin: When I die, I want to donate my body to Forged in Fire. Doug Marcaida will plunge a knife into my chest, decapitate my body. Then he will say, “It will keal.” 

Hot Tea

Watching Great British Baking Show. 

Austin: I thought a pasty was what those exotic dancers wear on their breasts.

Me: Do you want to wear my hot tea?

Austin: Only if it makes me a hottie.

You’ll Like It

 Since I’m working an obscene number of hours right now, Austin has been handling the cooking and cleaning.

Austin takes a taste of some potatoes that he threw together for dinner and starts gagging.

I look up from my spot, concern showing on my face.

Austin: You’ll like them.

Dream

 I’ve been working 6 days a week,10 hour days. To add insult to injury, this place is 45 minutes from my home and I am on my feet the whole time.

Needless to say, I’m very thankful for Austin, making incredible dinners, feeding the cats and massaging my feet when I get home. 

Me: You are the man of my dreams. So many dreams of mine came true when I met you.

Austin: Remember this is a month when you’re no longer working like this. Because then I’ll be an answer to your nightmares.

B*&#^&

 Austin: You moved the lamp.

Me: Yes. I couldn’t see, so I moved it closer. If you don’t like it, you can move it back.

Austin: I was just letting you know that I noticed.

Me: You have a huge bump (zit) on the side of your head. I’m just letting you know that I noticed.

Austin: You’re a &^#*. But you probably noticed.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My sister has special plates for Thanksgiving that say ‘grateful.’ But only four. With so many at Thanksgiving, most can’t have one. They’re also a little smaller than the average dinner plate.

Me: I’m not taking that one.

Mom: Me, either. Austin, you take that.

Me: Because you’re grateful for your wife.

Austin: If you say so.

Schroedinger’s Underwear

 Austin: I respect anyone wearing a kilt.

Mom: He’s got some pretty nice boots with that kilt.

Austin: You’ve got to have nice boots if you’re wearing a kilt. And long socks. Sporn. You need the whole ensemble if you’re wearing a kilt.

Me: But no underwear. You’re not supposed to wear underwear with a kilt.

Austin: Not necessarily. It’s like Schroedinger’s cat. Is it there or not? There’s no way to tell until you look.

Tea

 Austin: I’m going to make tea. Do you want any?

Me: Sure.

Austin: What kind do you want?

Me: Surprise me.

So Austin pulled catnip down from the cupboard.

Cottage Cheese

 While making love.

Me: Do you want more cottage cheese?

Austin: I wish that was code for something, but you’re thinking about grocery shopping.

Me: Yes.

Wife

 Austin: I officially joined meundies. I’ve also been thinking about buying a wedge pillow for my bed. I don’t think I actually want one. I think I just look at the lounge pants on Meundies and then with a wedge pillow, I could stay in bed all day.

Me: No, you can’t. We have pets.

Austin: Yes, I can. I have a wife.

Thighs

 Austin pulled out his jeans and showed me the crotch.

Austin: Oh!

Me: Didn’t you say they’d developed a hole down there a couple of weeks ago?

Austin: Now there’s two. It’s where my thighs rub together. It’s because of the amazing static electricity my thighs produce. It’s too much for Levi’s. Maybe I need Wranglers.

Hades Video Game

Austin is playing a video game called Hades. Describing the big boss and how he went through battling him twice. 

Austin: I almost made it out of Hell last night.

Me: The fact that you’re still here is indicative of your failure.

Make Water

 Austin started the electric kettle. I wanted some tea also.

Me: I'd appreciate it if you'd make some water for me too.

Austin: Do we have enough oxygen and hydrogen for that?

Me: Have I told you to &*#^ off today?

Lucky

 

 Me: I don't know how I got so lucky to find you.

Austin: I stick out in a crowd.

YiZhan

My Untamed fandom continues. I'm an adult. I separate myself from the crazed denizens of teens in love with Xiao Zhan and Wang YiBo. Great respect to both, but they are young enough to be my children...

Me: I know you don't care, but I just read a post on my Untamed group saying a fortune teller told her Xiao Zhan and Wang YiBo are going to get married in 2026. Can you believe that? Someone actually went to a fortune teller for that.

Austin: 2026? 

Me: I know. None of these kids will even care about Xiao Zhan and Wang YiBo by 2026. They'll have their own lives by then. They'll have boyfriends, married, kids...

Austin: Or maybe they'll have girlfriends.

Me: Trust me, no one in that group is going to have a girlfriend. Even the guys in that group aren't going to have girlfriends.

Austin: I was talking about the actors.

Me: Oh.

Name has been redacted to protect the teenager who likely spent money on this.

Dog Poo

Austin ordered some MeUndies. He's very happy with the product.

Austin calls me into his room, shows me the bag.

Me: We can't recycle that. Our facility won't take it.

Austin: I know. I just makes me feel obligated to recycle it now.

Austin, a moment later: I’ll show you, I’ll use you to pick up dog poo.

Breast Cancer Awareness

 It’s that time of the year again. *Sigh* My mammogram showed that my breasts were newly asymmetrical. This is often caused by changes in estrogen levels, but occasionally, cancerous cysts are the cause. Since I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago, I figured it was hormonal, but in the spirit of safety, I was signed up for a more extensive diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound.

Me, to Austin: It’s probably nothing, so don’t mention breast cancer to anyone.

Austin’s boss, the following day: Are you okay?

Austin: Yeah, I’m fine.

Austin’s boss: Okee-dokey.

Austin: In the interest of complete transparency, my wife may have breast cancer. She’s at the hospital right now having tests.

BTW, I am fine. I DO NOT HAVE CANCER.

Halloween

Cassie got lots of good loving from enthusiastic trick-or-treaters. Once inside and the festivities were over, she whined to go out again.
Me: No, Cassie. You’ve had enough.
Austin: If you eat anymore trick-or-treaters, the neighbors will get suspicious.

Trick-Or-Treat

Me: The neighbor thinks trick-or-treat is on Thursday.
Austin: That’s what I said.
Me: Yeah, but Mr. X actually talks to people and interacts with the community.
Austin: I talk to people. [Raising his fist and shaking it] ‘Get off my lawn.'

In the Spirit of Halloween

 Austin: What are we doing for dinner?

Me: Some kind of chicken.

Austin, urging me with his eyes to elaborate.

Me: I don't know. On the stove. In the oven.

Austin: Which?

Me: Frankenstein.

Sorry

 Unfortunately, COVID is having a toll on us. We simply have very little new or exciting in our lives.

This blog is going to become more sporadic.

If you'd like, I do post fiction on WattPad, user ID RLand 9701.

It's not humor. I mostly write sci-fi & fantasy. I've just started posting, so not much there.

Love you!

MeUndies

 Austin, still going on about Christmas: X friend loves this website, MeUndies.

Me: You and your obsession with underwear.

Austin: We could have matching underwear, you and me. Me in boxers, you with bra and panties.

Me: No.

Austin: You wouldn't like that?

Me: No.

Austin: They have a lot of different patterns. We could all have dinosaurs. Imagine, Christmas day, knowing everyone will have on dinosaur underwear.

Me, rolling my eyes.

Austin: I think we can customize underwear even. You wouldn't want Untamed underwear?

Me: No.

Austin: Just imagine, Lan WangJi saying "Hi," on your @$$.

Untamed Christmas

I have purchased all of Austin's Christmas gifts. 

Knowing that my Untamed obsession is still going strong (I just finished reading Scumbag Villain), Austin was looking for merchandise related to the show to get me for Christmas.

 

Me: I'm not really into stuff.

Austin: I know, but I thought you might like this pillow.

Me, red-faced: No.

Austin: You wouldn't want that between your legs.

Me: No.

Austin: I could sneak it into your room, then you'd just discover these guys on your bed.

Me: No.

Austin: Or I can wrap it up for Christmas, have you open it in front of your mother.

In case you're interested, here's a link to the pillow:

Lan WangJi & Wei WuXian Pillow

To a Point

I was telling about Austin being *&#^ about helping me with the dog food, then referenced the time Austin wouldn't help me change the spigots when I was hooking up the washing machine and made me call me my mother. 

See "Washing Machine" on February 25, 2016 if you missed this one.

 Friend X: You love your husband.

Me: I love my husband to a point, a knife point.

Dog Food

Me: I carried in the rest of the groceries, but if you'd get the bags of dog food, I'd appreciate it.

Austin, playing a video game: I'm busy.

Me: You don't have to do it right now. Just as long as you don't forget.

Austin: You get them into the trunk. You should be able to carry them into the house.

Me: Those bags weigh 50 lbs each. I look like I’m epileptic getting those bags in the trunk.

My @$$

Putting on a pair of leggings.

Me, looking at the waistband: I hate it when clothes put the tag information directly on the fabric instead of on a tag. After a couple of washings, the info is gone and I can't tell which side is the front and the back.

Austin: I don't have that problem. My @$$ makes a huge impression, so all I have to do is look for the sag.

Tub Tiles

The tiles in the bathroom needed a little work, so I advised Austin that the tub was off-limits for the weekend.

Austin: When can I take a shower again? Monday?

Me: Yeah. I thought it would take me all morning to fix the tiles, but I only tinkered in the tub for a few minutes.

Austin: What did you say?

The Fun of Being Married to a Millenial

Discussing Halloween.
Austin: We’ll have to get glow sticks or something so everyone will know we’re giving out candy.
Me: Switch on the porch light.
Austin: It doesn’t work.
Me, stunned silence. Then I realize who I’m married to. I go get a fresh bulb, go out, swap it with the old.
Me: Flip the switch.
Austin did.
Me: Ta-duh!

You're Not Funny

Austin finished his BLT.
Austin: I’ll take the rest of the package of bacon now.
Me: You’re not funny.
Austin: I saw a little chuckle out of the corner of your mouth.
Me: Just because I laugh at you doesn’t mean you’re funny.

Warm

Austin: These sweatpants are so comfy. So warm.

Me: Unlike your heart.

Austin: I’ll put on a sweater. That’ll help.

Play It Dumb

 Austin: I'm going to tell my boss that I couldn't get a hold of the manager.

Me: You think your boss is going to buy that?

Austin: I'm going to play it dumb.

Me: That's what you do best.

THAT?

 

Austin: Today, the manager isn’t there. I hate having to call the store again and again. I don’t even bother asking the associates. They hem and haw, well, we need to talk to the manager. And even if they say, ‘pick it up,’ if the manager doesn’t want it picked up, then it’s a waste of time. Then it makes me feel stupid.

Me: THAT makes you feel stupid?

Austin: And you.

Disappointing Videogame

 Sorry for the delay...

Unfortunately, Austin & I have not been very funny lately.

Austin bought another videogame.

Austin: It's disappointing, not what I expected. I should give it up. It was only a dollar.

Me: I don't know. This marriage is disappointing, not what you expecting. Thoroughly disillusioning. It cost a lot more than a dollar. And here you still are.

SPA

Guppy comes whining to me.

Me, to Guppy: No. You're only getting fed twice a day. Go away.

Austin, give me a look.

Me: Guppy was really skinny when we first brought her home, but now that she's starting to fatten up, I'm trying to cut back how often I feed her.

Austin: She is getting fat. A little stout, a lager.

Me: She's a pale ale.

Austin: Exactly, she's an India Pale Ale.

Me: She's Siamese, not Indian.

Austin: Fine, she's a Siam Pale Ale. We'll call her spa for short.

Universal Translator

Austin is showing me this new translator app that Apple is giving us free on our phone. With my Untamed obsession lately, I've really been pretty hung up on the language and how every word in Chinese sounds the same and wishing I could just understand every language.

Me: Oh! That's wonderful! I love you. Embrasse-moi!

Austin, comes over to hug me, then I kiss him.

Me: It means hug and kiss both.

Austin, to the phone: Hug me.

The phone: Embrassez-moi.

Austin, to the phone: Kiss me.

The phone: Embrassez-moi.

Me: I just told you they were the same!

Austin: I just wanted to see if the phone agreed with you.

Memes

I was laughing at memes on Facebook and Austin wanted to know what was so funny, so I showed him.

Austin: I don't get it. Explain why this is funny.

Me: I love you so much, it hurts sometimes.

The Mummy Who Came In From the Cold

 God, I love my husband...

So Austin & I were watching yet another documentary on mummies, The Mummy Who Came In From the Cold.

Austin: That's the biggest Hot Pocket I've ever seen.

Walk

 Every day on Austin's break, he takes a walk. Every day, every single time, sometimes after work and in the evening, Austin asks me to join him.

Austin: I'm going on a walk.

Me, curled up in bed, reading a good book: I'm in my jammies.

Austin: So you're not coming?

Condiments

Still at lunch, same group. Me, Mom, Austin, Friend Y & Friend X.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I don't like condiments. I get a lot of flack for this. Like when people find out I'm allergic to coffee; therefore, I don't drink it. A lot of people act like I'm a blue wombat with tusks growing out of my forehead. 

We were going through the self-serve bar, pulling napkins, flatware, condiments. Friend X was grabbing stacks for everyone and then putting it in the center of the table for anyone who wanted them.

Me, feeling awful about the excessive condiment packets that we're not going to use and how wasteful we're being, to Friend X: You may not know this, but I don't like condiments. 

Austin: Yeah, she doesn't put ketchup or mustard on hotdogs.

Me: Hotdogs are bologna cylinders and are disgusting all by themselves.

Austin: She doesn't like mayonnaise, so no potato salad.

Friend Y: I don't like potato salad either.

Austin: Yeah, but she doesn't like ketchup on French fries.

Friend Y: I don't like condiments either.

Me: I love you!

Mulan

 Me, Mom, Austin, Friend Y & Friend X all go out to lunch together.

Friend Y expresses interest in seeing Mulan. She's heard a lot of good things about it.

Friend Y: I'm house sitting this weekend. They stream Disney, so I'm going to watch it.

Me: It's not free on Disney until December 4. If you want to watch it now, it's like $30.

Friend Y: That's outrageous!

Me: I think so too.

Friend X: Well, if you think about going to a movie theater to see it, it probably costs that much with popcorn and everything.

Mom: And if you've got a bunch of kids, you take the whole family...

Me: I guess, but I'm just a single woman alone--

Austin: It's like I'm not even here.

BLT

Austin finished his BLT.

Austin: I’ll take the rest of the package of bacon now.

Me: You’re not funny.

Austin: I saw a little chuckle out of the corner of your mouth.

Me: Just because I laugh at you doesn’t mean you’re funny.

Literally

After cleaning the kitchen floor.

Me: I have got a ton of splinters in these pajamas. I think I’ve gotten them all.
Austin: So, you literally have a stick up your butt.

Wallhanging

Austin works full-time, so even though I occasionally work full-time, even over-time, most of the household fix-it jobs are mine. So when our wedding certificate fell off the wall, it was my job to rehang it.

I should have thrown it out...

 
Me, letting Austin know it’s fixed: She’s hung.
Austin: What did your mom do to deserve it?

Holiday Tree

Austin: I almost had a crazy idea.
Me: I’m sure it was completely crazy.
Austin: I was thinking we could get a Christmas tree.
Me: We have a Christmas tree.
Austin: I was thinking like a Halloween Christmas tree, then a Thanksgiving Christmas tree, then a Christmas Christmas tree.
Me, making a face: I could see a Halloween tree, but not a Thanksgiving tree.
Austin: You don’t want a tree with a cornucopia and all the delicious food?
Me: Delicious food belongs in my stomach, not on a tree.
Austin: I think we can do both.
Me: Just for that—wait, I can’t quite get it to come. Oh, there it is. [Small flatulence.] I fart in your general direction.
Austin: A for effort.
Me: And an S for smell.
Austin: That was an A and two S’s.

Chocolate

Austin: This house is seriously lacking in the chocolate area.
Me: There’s mini-chocolate chips.
Austin: Those are for cooking.
And before I can suggest the milk chocolate chips.
Austin: And I don’t want to open a new bag of chips either. And I don’t want to break into the Kit-Kat’s.
Me: We bought that bag just for you.
Austin: I know, but I’m trying to wait for Halloween.
Me: We’ve got $20 of candy for Halloween hidden away. The Kit-Kats were just for you. I charged them to you!
Austin: It’s not even October yet.
Me: Five hours!!!!

The 80's

Austin: My coworker said it’s supposed to snow next week. But I think he was just trying to get a rise out of everyone. I looked at the forecast and it said it’s supposed to get up to the 80’s next week.

Me: Oh good.

Austin: Not ‘oh good.’ I don’t like the 80’s.

Me: Don’t dog the 80’s. The 80’s were a good decade.

Austin: That’s because I was born in it.

Thirteen Cents

Austin has a passing ambition to get me into video games. But aside from trivia games, I just don't get into it.

So Austin bought a game where we go around collecting watermelon slices. I like watermelon and the goal was pretty straightforward. He was very optimistic about my opinion.

Me, after playing the game: You wasted your money on that one.

Austin: It was 13¢

Me: You wasted 13¢

D&D Chocolate

Austin: I’m trying to decide what kind of treasure to give to the characters. I always give too much or too little.

Me: It's never just right, Goldilocks? You know it doesn't matter, right?

Austin: Of course it matters!

Me: It's not real treasure. If you gave them chocolate, that would matter.

Austin: There is chocolate in Dungeons & Dragons. Magical gnomes make chocolate...

Me: Your treasure has no value. It's symbolic treasure.

Austin: They get points toward the game. I also try to make the treasure go along with the theme of the game.
Me: So if I were a monster in Dungeons & Dragons, they'd get chocolate for defeating me?

Austin: If you were a monster in D&D, there’d be no treasure, because you’d kill them all.

Austin's Japanese Steakhouse

Austin: I’m going to have my own Japanese steakhouse at our house. I’m going to pull out the stove and put stools around it. Then I’ll take a machete and carve up steaks. I’ve been practicing my onion volcano. And then we’ll do an egg toss.

Me: Didn’t you catch the eggs the last time we went?

Austin: I always catch the eggs. Whenever we’re going to a Japanese steakhouse, I practice all morning. I toss Goldfish to practice. It’s just like catching the scrambled eggs.

Me: Seven years married, thirteen years together.

Austin: What?

Me: Your family thought getting you a girl would fix you.

Hot Tea

Austin: I’m going to make a cup of hot tea. Would you like one?

Me: I don’t want anything hot.

Austin, pressing a hand to his chest, a pronounced frown on his face.

Me: That’s why I married you.

Paint Balls

Seeing a sign for paint balling.

Me: I’ve never understood paint balling. Who would really want to do that with their spare time.

Austin: Come on, you’ve never wanted to shoot a member of your family?

Me: Of course. My family would never go paint balling.

Tiny Creatures

Austin was watching this show Tiny Creatures on Netflix and I was only half-watching. First the kangaroo rat takes on a rattle snake, then a gila monster. I look up and cock my head.

Austin: Next, it's going to solve a murder.

Fake Crying

 I battle cholesterol issues, so I avoid fats. My tolerance for grease is very low.

Austin: KFC sounds so good right now.

Me: I can't do fried food anymore. Just thinking about it makes my stomach feel like it has a lead weight in it.

Austin, whining: This is me fake crying like your mom.

Mother-in-law-icide

 Me, Mom & Austin were going to lunch together. Austin parked very near the line.

Me: Look! Because of how you parked, Mom has to walk in the street.

Austin: That was my plan.

My mother starts fake-crying from the backseat.

Metal Straws

On our way to lunch, picking up Mom.

Me: I forgot our straws.

Austin: We can just use the plastic ones they give us.

Me, twitching my lips, knowing I've become a full-on hippy: Do you want to go home and get them?

Austin: Yeah.

As Mom is walking to the car, Austin: Quick, before she gets in.

Legend of Korra Finale

Austin & I were watching the season finale of the final season of Legend of Korra. In case there's someone out there who hasn't watched Legend of Korra and actually wants to, I'll be vague.
Austin, regarding the last scene: I guess that is a little suggestive.
Me: A little!?!?!
Then I pause.
Me: Well, you missed that Untamed was about a couple of gay guys. I guess I’ll allow it.

Still dreaming...

 I admit to a certain amount of discomfort over my latest infatuation. I mean, he's 23. I'm twice his age.

In my defense, I'm married to this:

I have to fantasize about this:

Strictly speaking, if I didn't have an active fantasy life, I would dig a tunnel to the fireworks factory that's a few miles from my house and blame a natural disaster for the ensuing catastrophe.

BTW, I don't own the rights to the Wang Yi Bo photo, just stole it off FB.

Asami's Superpower

 Austin: Asami's superpower is perfect car hair.

Mako

Austin: Those eyebrows aren't natural. I've never seen eyebrows like that.

Me: Learn to pluck, Mako.

Meelo

While watching Legend of Korra, season one.

Austin: I was worried about air benders, but now we’ve got Meelo. He’s obviously a lady’s man. There’s going to be two countries of air benders.

Netflix Profile

Austin put on Untamed on my profile.
Me: Don’t be messing with my profile. Switch over to your own profile.
Austin: I’m going to rename it and change the profile picture.
Me: The windows are wide open. Don’t make me swear at you.

Stay Up

Austin wanted me to stay up watching Legend of Korra with him, but I'm over 40. I go to bed at 9:00. 

Me: I’m sorry, but I’m going to bed.
Austin throwing a fit.
Me: I’m sorry. This isn’t Untamed. I’m not willing to lose sleep over it.
Austin: If I put on Untamed, would you stay up with me?

Sleep Inn

There was zero chance I'd agree to camping, but after canoeing, I was more exhausted than expected. I pointed to a hotel across from us.

Me: It's probably not too expensive to stay there. Bed, shower, TV, wifi. Might be nice.

Austin: I don’t know. We’d have to get your mom to feed the cats and the dog. She’d leave a mound of food for the cats and there’d be open Chinese take-out containers on the floor for the dog.

 

 

Exhausted

After getting up early, driving an hour and a half to the river, spending 2-2 1/2 hours canoeing down a river, I didn’t feel like driving the hour and a half home.

Austin: It’s fine. I’ll drive home.

We stopped at a restaurant to eat before hitting the road.

Austin, to the waitress: Can I see the drink menu?

Canoeing Innuendo

After canoeing, even though we took a leisurely two and a half hours for a 5-mile trip, when I tried to stand up, my legs immediately gave out.

Me: I can't believe I'm having this much trouble walking. This never happens after sex.

Austin: It was the paddling.

Nose Flute

While watching the Legend of Korra, a whole bunch of people are suddenly transforming into air benders. Korra and the gang are trying to get them to come with them to train as air benders.

Austin: If you suddenly discovered you were a bending prodigy, would you give up everything, your house, your family, your job, to go study bending?

Me: No. [Thinking for a minute] I might sacrifice everything for something else, for being a musical prodigy--

Austin: So if you were a nose flute prodigy--

Me: Also no.

Teenagers in Water

Some teenagers were hanging out at the edge of the river, their kayaks idling.
Teenager 1: I love communing with nature.
Teenager 2: I like exploring. I don’t understand people who stay in the same place. Staying in the same place as your parents. Never going beyond what you know. You have to open your mind to possibilities and exploring.
Teenager 1: Yeah, like even if you move out of your parents’ house, you still stay in the same town. Or if your parents move, you move to the same place where they moved. Never moving away and being your own person. I couldn't do it.
After Austin & I were somewhere up the river and out of earshot of the teens.
Me: Is there anything we can do about teenagers besides waiting for them to grow up and grow out of it? I mean, besides killing them?

Ellen Page and Ozzy Osbourne

 Austin is convinced Ellen Page looks like Ozzy Osborne.

Austin: It’s the jawline.

Me: If you say so, Bubby.

Closed Captioned for those of us who can't understand Chinese

I've moved to the next stage of my Untamed obsession. I've been watching almost every video I can find on the Untamed. This is a gem for a different reason. View this link with English subtitles while also listening to the hostess speak. 

I can help but laugh at the closed-captions rewrites of the names... and pretty much everything else.

 https://youtu.be/WOZXz-IM5jE

 

If you don't want to watch for yourself, highlight below for the best captions.

 

JinGuangYao, JinGuangShan, Jin XiYuan, Nie HuaiSang, Wei WuXian and Lan XiChen

neophytes, Hmong Y'all, Jean Valjean, Boston, he won't yell, Julio, wind clan, Tim Wong Y'all, Jesus is his heir, ninja, ammonia, way woosh yellow, nearby son, so do you want y'all, Steve-O wants y'all, teomile, G-miles, Gi Yahoo, lassie Chen, Jiwon Yacht, wilson lamonte

I missed some, but really, I fall on the floor when I read Jesus is his heir. Christianity in China, y'all.

 

Do You Love Me As Much As...

 Me: Have I told you today that I love you?

Austin: Do you love me as much as Lan WangJi loves Wei WuXian?

Me, thinking that Lan WangJi risked his life saving Wei WuXian multiple times, took 33 whip strikes for standing up for him and continued to love him for 13 years after he died: I don’t love you quite that much, but close.

Roovy Glassware

Me: Oh, groovy glassware. I thought it said roovy glassware. I wasn’t sure what that was.

Austin: You know what groovy glassware is.

Me: Yes I do. I thought it said roovy glassware. I figured it was something to do with That dog and meddling kids.

Chicken Breasts

Discussing the chicken I bought.

Me: I didn’t like the look of any of the breasts, but I figured this one was the best.

Austin: You’re so shallow. You shouldn’t worry about the appearances of things. They're inner beauty is what matters.

Wei WuXian in the Grass

 Austin: The backyard is quite Untamed.

Me, groaning.

Austin: I was just trying to entice you into trimming the weeds. I thought if you were lusting after Wei WuXian, it might make yard work more entertaining for you.

Me: I’m Team Lan WangJi.

Inheritance

While Austin & I were walking, Austin pointed out my shoelace was untied.

Me: I know.

Austin: We can stop so you can tie it. I don’t want you to have an accident.

Me: I would think you’d want it untied so then you’d inherit all the money I’ve squirreled away into my retirement fund.

Austin: You’d just fall. You wouldn’t die. It’d be worth the laugh, but I wouldn’t inherit anything.

Quinoa

Austin: I might need your help with the quinoa.

Me: Boil water, add half a cup of quinoa, bring to a simmer and cover for 20 minutes.

Austin: Oh. I think I can handle that.

Me: If you want to dress is up a bit, you can add chicken stock and dill.

Austin: Whoa, now you're getting fancy with me. I may not be able to remember that.

Me: Simmer for 20 minutes.

Austin: You're so much smarter than me, remembering stuff like that.

Me: It's on the back of the package.

Uber

Austin: I've decided I'm going to become an Uber driver. I'm going to play classical music in my car, wear a tuxedo, serenade customers with my tenor solos, wow them with my violin skills, leave an Andes mint on the seats. Don't you think that would be nice?

Me: It's a good thing you've got a car, because you're going to be homeless if you do that.

Supermarket Sweep

In case anyone forgot, Austin & I live in the middle of nowhere. You can drive 10 miles in any direction and still be nowhere. A couple of years ago, our grocery store shut down. They wanted $3.00 for iceburg lettuce and $5.00 for canned peas. Their closure is a mystery to one and all.

Nevertheless, driving past their lot, sprigs of grass overwhelming the cracked asphalt, I saw two dozen cars corralled.

Me: What in the world are all those cars doing gathered at the abandoned grocery store?

Austin: It's the location of the new Supermarket Sweep. I'm going to call Guy Fieri, tell him to get down here quick. Guy's Grocery Games vs. David Ruprecht, middle of nowhere, Ohio.

The Man You've Become

Me: I love the man you've become. You used to be self-deprecating and now you're confident.

Austin: Well, yeah. But I used to think I had potential. Now I know I don't.

Walking Along

Austin and I were walking along.

Austin: Hey, watch that poop.

Rachel: I see it!

Austin: Well, if I didn’t pointed out and you stepped in it, then you’d be mad at me.

Me: Well, yeah.

Austin: So I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Been that way since the day we got married.

Me: The day we met.

Shower

Me: I’m debating about taking a shower.

Austin: It’s still raining, if you want to go outside.

Me: The neighbors might object to me standing outside naked with shampoo in my hair.

Held Over

Me: Sorry I’m late, two minutes before I was supposed to leave, I got a problem. It was AWS, so it should have been straight-forward, but he took his computer out of the dock and lost internet connection, lost power. He was panicking for a minute. I called him and got him calmed down, but it took a minute.

Austin: Wow.

Me: He was 27, just a kid. He’s not used problems. It’s like, chill ax.

Austin: Those tests are expensive. He probably was scared he was going to be out the fees.

Me: Yeah, that’s probably rent.

Austin: Groceries.

Me: Those tests cost more than groceries.

Austin: Not when you’re 27. He’s got a girlfriend to take care of. He’s buying steaks. He’s got the breakfast spread. Expensive wine. Bacon.

Me: You’re right. And he’s not buying that spinach on sale. He probably shops at Kroger.

Austin: Worse, Giant Eagle!

Sausage & Quinoa

A regular dinner entree Austin & I make is kielbasa, quinoa, sweet potatoes and yellow squash.

Austin: I added a special ingredient to the sausage and quinoa tonight.

Me: Was it love?

Austin: No, it was pepper.

Sweet Potatoes

Austin, making dinner: There’s one sweet potato left, but it’s kind of scary. It’s grown feelers. They’re like arms. It reach out and grabbed me. I had to fight to get the other potatoes out. It screamed and scream. I almost had to knife him.

Going to Work

Complaining about “going” to work this morning.

Me: Thank you for listening to me when I’m being a whiney baby.

Austin: That’s okay. That’s what I’m here for.

Me: That’s what I say to the test takers.

Austin: You’d do the same for me.

Me: You really think so?

Austin: Sure.

Me: I picture myself more like a hard *&^

Austin, reaching around and pinching: Nah.

Me: Thanks.

Poop

At 8:50 a.m., Cassie comes down and alerts me that she needs to go out. I put on a trench coat and take her out. At 9:00, my husband comes down the steps.

Me: You missed it. I just took Cassie out. She pooped and everything.

Austin, to the dog: You pooped! What a good dog!

Me: She’s already been given a treat.

Austin, looking at the coat: Are you cold?

Me: No, I didn’t want to get dressed and I also didn’t want to terrify the neighbors with in my pj’s, so I grabbed the trench coat.

Austin: I think you’re lying. I think you’ve become a crack detective who solves intricate murder plots.

Me: Really too bad you didn’t come down a few minutes earlier, because you and Cassie are both full of poop.

Yams

Austin, looking at the grocery list: What does that say?

Me: Yams.

Austin: Yams? Like sweet potatoes?

Me: Yes.

Austin: You and your mom and your wild names for things.

Me: You’re lucky I don’t hit you with my shoe.

Puff Pastry

While grocery shopping, Austin was scanning the grocery list.

Austin: Where do I find puff pastry?

Me: It’s in the dessert freezer section. When hot dogs are behind you, puff pastry is to the left.

Austin: I never let hot dogs get behind me. I *&^&*# [just imagine what he said here]

Me: You have the Kroger app. You can find the puff pastry all by yourself.

Austin: I only use it when you’re around to look impressive. When you’re not around, I just wander around helplessly.

Me: I have nothing to do with your helplessness. Your helplessness is boundless.

Fantasy

I was reading off the heights of the characters in Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.

"Nie MingJue 191 (6’3)

Lan XiChen 188 (6’2)

Lan WangJi 188 (6’2)

Wei WuXian 186 (6’1)

Jin ZiXuan 185 (6’1)

Jiang WanYin 185 (6’1)

Xiao XingChen 185 (6’1)

Wen QiongLin 183 (6’0)

Mo XuanYu 180 (5’11)

Nie HuaiSang 172 (5’8)

Jin GuangYao 170 (5’7)"

Austin: Well, that’s obviously a fantasy written by a woman.

FYI, Chinese men have an average height of 5’6”.

Umbrella Academy

While watching Umbrella Academy, one of the character talks about leaving her husband after ten years.
Austin: Don’t leave me after ten years.
Me: We’ve already been together ten years. That ship has sailed.
Austin: I mean after ten years of marriage.
Me: Hey Siri, set a reminder.

Guppy

The new cat was whining.

Me: Hey, Guppy.

Austin: What?

Me: I’m talking to the cat.

Austin: Oh. I thought you said Bubby.

Me: We might have to pick out a different name for her.

Austin: Nah. It’s an excuse for me to have more selective hearing. I can just say I thought you were talking to the cat.

Happy Holidays

Austin had a leftover breadstick in the oven. Austin moved it so he could start dinner.

Me: You haven’t eaten that yet?

Austin: I’m saving it for a special occasion.

Me: You save it long enough and you’ll have something green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Legend of Korra

 I went to the living room, turned on the 50” big screen TV and switched on Netflix. I had a particular hankering to see Lan WangJi refuse the loquat Wei WuXian throws at him. I love the expression Wang LiBo makes in that particular scene.

Me, my eyes large: Austin! Legend of Korra is on Netflix.

I immediately switch it on.

Austin: And just like that, you’re over Untamed.

Me: Dream on.

Chubbikins

We have a new cat. As soon as her kittens are weaned, we're going to have her spayed.

Me, feeding the cats again: Guppy puts away the food.

Austin: She was whining for me to feed her last night, but I didn’t.

Me: She just had kittens. Cats need a lot of food to recover from that. If we feed her extra, it’s okay. I don’t want her to become a chubbikins, but she’s really skinny right now.

Austin: Well, she will become a chubbikins. After cats get fixed, they plump up.

Me: What? Because she’s not going to be looking for a man anymore, she’s going to let herself go and fill the void with food?

Sandalwood

Me, still obsessing over Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation: The first time I read it, I thought Lan WangJi wore sandalwood because Wei WuXian liked sandalwood. They reference that he buys a sandalwood box, which implies he likes sandalwood. But now that I’m rereading it, I see that the punishment boards the GusuLan Sect uses to punish their disciples is sandalwood, so it’s like a vicious circle. Wei WuXian gets punished all the time, associates GusuLan Sect with the fragrance, associates Lan WangJi with the fragrance, likes the fragrance, Lan WangJi wears it to please Wei WuXian.
Austin: I have sandalwood fragrance, if you want to smell it.
He lathers himself with it. It has a warm, somewhat smokey smell to it.
Me: It’s nice.
Austin: You know what I associate it with? Urinal cakes.

Ashes

Austin: I was thinking, when you die, I could take your ashes to China and scatter them where Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi used to walk.
Me: They're fictional characters. They didn't walk anywhere. The places in the novel are fictional.
Austin: I could take you to Scotland and scatter your ashes there, so Emun Elliott can walk over your grave.
Me: I think he lives in London now.
Austin: You want me to take you to London?
Me: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Austin: I could get your ashes, pack them up in an urn, scatter your ashes anywhere you dream of.
Me: You'd never get me past TSA.

The Paradise

Austin: You haven't mentioned Emun Elliott for a while.
Me: You want me to mention Emun Elliott?
Austin: I just noticed that you hadn't.
Me, still reading Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (again): I've had other things on my mind.
(I've also watched the first two seasons of Mo Dao Zu Shi, an anime--I hate anime.)
Austin: I was just thinking we could watch The Paradise.
Me: Are you all right?
Austin: Desperate times.

Have I...

Me: Have I told you enough today that I love you?
Austin, coming in from the other room: Oh, you’re talking to the dog.


Not my dog, a friend's dog.

Also, clearly not my house. Far too clean.

Yes, I'm still going on about Untamed...

Though I'm only posting a week's worth of Untamed obsessing, I in fact got tangled in this thing a month ago and my poor heart is still suffering. Suffer with me.

I’m reading Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation for the third time. I came to a scene Wei WuXian has Lan WangJi lift him onto the donkey.

Me: If I asked you, would you take me by the hips and lift me onto a donkey?

Austin: Huh?

Me: I just finished the scene and Wei WuXian can by such a &*@#, but it’s such a cute scene and it gets me feeling all lovey-dovey. Would you lift me onto a donkey like that?

Austin: Well, I’d lift you onto a donkey if you needed help, but I’d kneel down and do the cup thing with my hands and boost you up. I wouldn’t lift you by the hips. I’m afraid I’d drop you and you’d crash into me and we’d both end up on the ground looking like idiots.

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (Untamed Again)

If you happen to become so obsessed with Untamed that you wanted to read the novel it's based on, the English translation can be found at this web address:

https://exiledrebelsscanlations.com/novels/grandmaster-of-demonic-cultivation

Austin: I'm going to break now.

Me: I'm stuck on a problem.

Austin: You're not going to break with me?!?!

Me: We're married, we live together, we see each other every single day. It's not the end of the world if we don't take breaks together.

Austin: Yeah, but I smoke pot in my spare time and you have your book.

Said book cover:

Untamed Continued

Did I mention that I'm totally obsessed with Untamed now?

In the middle of this binge, sitting at the local cafe, Austin started to blow on the straw that was nestled in his caramel mocha macchiato.

Me: What are you doing?

Austin, playing more: I'm trying to control you. Maybe I need a blade of grass.

Again, I don't own these right. Taking pictures of the TV.

Untamed

Austin started watching this Chinese TV series, Untamed, on Netflix. Like seriously, Austin loves anime and Asian shows, but I rarely take much interest. Why I paid any attention at all is beyond me.

Me, noticing a gaze between Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian: Are these two guys gay?

Not a farfetched idea. A lot of our friends are gay and we watch a lot of shows geared toward that audience.

Austin: I don't know.

I didn't think much of it. Several episodes later, a shot of Lan WangJi with an umbrella, pan shot of him.

Me: Oh my god! They are so gay. How can you not see that?

Austin: You're being melodramatic.

Having watched a few episodes, I become engrossed and begin watching on my own.

Me: Holy Jesus, Austin! It says it on the main page!

If you can't read that, it says, "In a magical world of inter-clan rivalry, two soulmates face treacherous schemes and uncover a dark mystery linked to tragic events."

I don't own the copyright to either of these images. I literally took pictures of the TV screen.

Ice Cream Scoop

Remember a few weeks ago when I found a random scoop of ice cream returned to the container?

 

Me, finding a scoop of ice cream in the container: Look, I’ve talked to you about this before.

Austin: I’m not a physics instructor. I don’t know what happens inside the package.

 

 

On a Diet